A new report from Radar Online alleges that the reason Britney Spears hasn't been responding to your texts or leaving comments when you check in to Saad's Halal on Foursquare is that both her Internet and cell phone usage are "heavily monitored" to protect her from any negative influences like you and your drunk momma…

Bieber-Gomez is the new Swift-Gyllenhaal. Katie Holmes celebrates her birthday with a passionless date with Tom Cruise. Charles Barkley laughs at Brett Favre's penis. Monday gossip is for lovers.

Even from rehab, Demi competes with Miley for the Disney Girls Gone Wild crown. Britney's creepy ex might be stalking Lindsay. Natalie Portman might hate Mila Kunis. Diddy's burning woman must cut off her hair. TGIFriday gossip.

• Lindsay Lohan is certainly having a good week. Not only did she finally land another acting role—she'll be appearing in The Other Side, along with Woody Harrelson, and Giovanni Ribisi—but she may be getting her own clothing line at JCPenny, too. And the cops are getting closer to figuring out who broke into her…

After weeks of doling out clips to a Cheeto-starved global audience, MTV finally aired the paparazzi cautionary tale entitled Britney: For the Record last night. "No topic was off limits," boasted the introductory crawl. "No question went unanswered." And no follow-up question went asked! Thus, we left the special…

Britney Spears' mom has a tell-all book coming out which is sure to become a Lifetime Network original movie. In it, Lynn Spears accuses the singer's former "manager"—control freak and all around vile-sounding human—Sam Lutfi of grinding up pills and secretly dosing Britney to keep her docile while he insidiously took…

Michael Sands, publicist for Britney manager Sam Lutfi and man who can tell you something about cheesecake, is going to be deposed in Britney's custody case on March 5 [P6]. And he's very enthusiastic about it, because "the truth shall set you free!" Are you as excited about this development as we are? We've told…

Actor, model, cheesecake entrepreneur, and publicist Michael Sands is helping his client, Britney manager/ extorter Sam Lutfi, protect his valuable reputation by craftily playing gossip outlets against each other. TMZ reported last night that the LAPD is investigating Lutfi for illegally drugging Britney. Hours…

Considering that she once celebrated her birthday by hosting parties in five different cities, Paris Hilton has set the bar pretty high when it comes to self-indulgent birthday parties. So when it came time to celebrate her 27th birthday, she did what every slutty heiress would do — take the stage with The Pussycat…

Professional media spokesman and dessert entrepreneur Michael Sands is already helping his new client, Britney-associated character Sam Lutfi, put a nonchalant spin on his shady activities. What's the best PR strategy when a client is facing legal peril as well as the public dismantling of his reputation? Make…

Something for Britney Spears "manager" Sam Lutfi's new publicist to get right on: According to Blender, Lutfi met his best friend Danny Haines on MySpace, got Haines to give him X-rated pictures which he later sent to his family, borrowed $18,000 from him and never paid it back, expressed hope that Haines' sister…

Some free PR tips for Britney Spears manager and tormenter Sam Lutfi: If your new publicist has a logo that looks like he stole it from "The Colbert Report," he is not legit. If your new publicist has an aol.com email address for professional use, he is not legit. If your new publicist bills his one-man shop as a…

It's a rare day in Hollywood when drug-related accusations are confessed to, but yesterday's proclamation by Lynne Spears that professional bad influencer Sam Lutfi was "drugging" Britney aren't fazing Lutfi in the slightest. Quite the opposite, in fact — Us is quoting Lutfi in their latest issue as openly…

After hearing reports that Britney Spears's manager Sam Lutfi was playing drug dealer for his mentally unhinged client, we immediately flashed back to the analogy section of the SATs when we realized that Sam Lutfi : Britney Spears :: Howard Stern : Anna Nicole Smith. For the first time in our lives, we're on Team…