• Shauna Sand, the scariest face in adult entertainment, penned an impassioned missive to Carrie Prejean describing her own odyssey from unwitting sex tape participant to Vivid-Celeb star: "Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees... I could actually turn things around." Like Carrie, Shauna "not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to" her sex tape. I'm pretty sure Vivid chair Steve Hirsch forced Shauna to do this. Alternately, it finally dawned on Shauna that she might get a late-breaking burst of attention. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Unfortunately for Shauna and Vivid, Carrie is sick and tired of this game. No means no, you meanie heathens. Prejean's lawyer sent a letter to Vivid charging that "your company has apparently told the media that it plans to publish the videotapes and/or photographs of my client with or without her permission." Which, to be fair, is a pretty ominous thing to have hanging over your head. [TMZ]
• 
  
• 50 Cent had his arm tattoos removed. "I've been on a few acting projects and they been making me get up... My call time is four hours before the regular acting talent because of the tattoos." Now that he's starring opposite Nicolas Cage in a boxing flick, the early morning annoyance to insane laser removal pain ratio has finally reached its tipping point. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Bijou Phillips' incest-y movie is totally embarrassing now that Mackenzie's incest book is out. Bijou is freaked out about the Dec. 1 premiere of Made for Each Other, where she will have sex scenes with Chris Masterson, who is the brother of her real-life husband Danny, who is also in the movie. OK, Mackenzie's bombshell obviously makes this a lot worse, but I'd venture to say it was kind of icky before that, too. [P6]
• 
  
• "Battle of Anchors at ABC"! Charlie Gibson hates Diane Sawyer and is begging for George Stephanopoulos to be his successor on Sunday morning's This Week ABC Evening News, mostly to infuriate the guys who type in the names that go on the bottom of the screen. [P6]
• 
  
• J.Lo's ex—the one trying to sell her sex tapes—says Jenny from the Block is stalking him. Says his business manager: "She's having him followed." Says his lawyer: "He's had death threats." Now, shadowy detectives I was willing to believe, but once they threw death threats in, I knew it was a lie. J.Lo is many things, but she is not sloppy. [P6]
• 
  
• Alleged Cindy Crawford blackmailer surrenders! Edis Kayalar, the male model accused of demanding $100,000 in exchange for "sexy" S&M photos of Crawford's 8-year-old daughter, has turned himself in to German authorities. Now he must wait around while L.A. County figures out what to do with the alleged horrifying creep. [People]
• 
  
• New Moon star and werewolf-portrayer Kellan Lutz got bounced from his own movie's after party. Apparently the security guards didn't know who he was and "it looked like things were getting physical between then," at which point Lutz sprouted fur from his back and claws from his hands, ripped the velvet rope to shreds, and proceeded in. [P6]
• 
  
• The police chief accused of breaking into Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's home stole ultrasounds and a plaster cast of the mom's belly, a paparazzo testified in open court. Allegedly, the accused was a total hardball, demanding $1000 for the surrogate's name and address, and gearing up for a serious haggle for the tummy mould. Cindy Crawford's blackmailer should take note: This is how the professional sleazebags roll. [AP]
• 
  
• Heather Locklear is "acting like a prima donna" on the Melrose Place set because she is "insecure and on edge." Also, now that A.Simps is gone, she's the most famous one there, so it's sort of her right, you know? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  

  Correction: Stephanopoulos hosts This Week, the promotion Gibson allegedly wants him to get is to anchor the evening news. Apologies.

• Hey there, Michael Lohan. You again? Yes, you again. Apparently, Lohan tried to get money for tapes where one could heard recorded conversations of himself, Dina, and Lindsay. Apparently, they were not worth the $100,000 asking price he wanted for them, because, you know, for one thing, you can get that kind of thing for free. And for another: even the Nixon Tapes didn't go for $100,000, as close as a phone call between Michael and Dina Lohan comes to the Nixon Tapes, I still don't see them going for a cool hundo grand. Naturally, this came with a denial:

  Michael told us that a six-figure demand for the tapes "was a complete lie," but when asked if he was paid for his interview, he said, "That's in the hands of my lawyers. They deal with that." He insisted, "This isn't about money or getting paid, it's about saving my daughter."

  But Zombie Radar says Lohan wanted money, they turned him down, and he gave them the tapes for "exposure." So, yes, Michael Lohan taped conversations of himself, Dina, and LiLo, and is trying to sell them for money under the guise of helping his own daughter and thus, his celebrity. If you haven't received it, your Father of the Year: Long Island District trophy is on the way, and you've now made nationals. Keep truckin', Michael. Also, I feel greasy just looking at your picture. [Page Six]
  
  

• Rihanna will not accept your offers of $10,000 bubbly wine, peasant strangers. She only drinks from the kind offerings of the Benevolent Sir Jay-Z, except when Beyonce is around, because Beyonce probably wants you to go away worse than Chris Brown does. Anyway. Rihanna refused a bottle of pricy bubbly from Braylon "I've Made It My Life's Mission To Savagely Fuck Up Foster's Fantasy Season Three Years In A Row" Edwards of the New York Jets because she didn't know who he was. You don't? You should! He's famous. Famously terrible. Also, this last sentence of the item:

  Also at the club was Mickey Rourke entertaining his girlfriend's mother from Russia.

  Wuuhhhhaaaatttt? [Page Six]
  
  

• Now that the revelation that he had one is out there, we've learned: Andre Agassi was absolutely terrified of his hairpiece going "rogue" as the New York Post put it. What does that even mean? It'd root for Pete Sampras? Or it'd start watching Suddenly Susan? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha. Interview publisher Peter Brant's ex-wife, Stephanie Seymour, is looking hot. And Vanity Fair decided to rub it in his face by doing a photo spread of her, and Page Six took it a step further by writing the item, and I think Interview sucks, so you know, here we are. Peter Brant, your ex-wife is smokin'. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, there's some British woman named Katherine Jenkins who we're supposed to care about, according to the British Tabloid Press? She's coming to America, I have no idea who she or why this matters. We're looking into whether or not we should give a shit at press time. All other questions can be referred to my publisher. Thank you. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does it surprise you that Shawn Wayans is a good dad and makes his kids laugh when they're crying? It does not surprise me. Damon Wayans, on the other hand... [Page Six]
  
  
• Anna Wintour said something nice about somebody getting a job and it's in Page Six. Enjoy. Savor, even. [Page Six]
  
  
• Message From Paris, to America: "You suck, you dumb, declasse morons. Also, stop ruining nightlife. Also, Jerry Lewis for President." [Page Six]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker admits in an interview that she loves the smell of wet diapers. Ergo, shit. Which explains working on Sex and the City for so long. [NYDN]
  
  
• Please, Rihanna, please stop talking about how Chris Brown beat you, says Chris Brown. Please Chris Brown, go back to the cave from whence you came and kindly shut the fuck up, says the world. [NYDN]
  
  
• HA. TLC's advertisers were beginning to complain about Jon Gosselin's behavior before they shut down the show. What, stomping around France with the Ed Hardy guy is bad for TLC? They should've just made a show about that and called it something like "Men? Hardly." Whee! [NYDN]
  
  
• America's Sweetest Homophobe Carrie Prejan has a sex tape, and her mother saw it. Karma, hello. [TMZ]
  
  
• TMZ's celebrating their fourth birthday by feeding a bunch of celebrity children Columbian Grade-A Coke and filming them talking about their parents. No, I made that up. Happy 4th Birthday, TMZ! Harvey Levin, you're a charmer. [TMZ]

And...this will be an interesting day. It already is. Wake up, get your dancing shoes on. But stay seated and keep clicking on things. But don't stop #ChairDancing. Seriously! Don't. Learn from Spike Jonze:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Michelle Obama is the honorary chair of the commitee which focuses on "arts and humanities education, cultural diplomacy, economic revitalization through the arts and humanities and special events dedicated to recognizing excellence in these areas." Looks like all the time Anna spent raising money for Obama is finally paying off! Anna is one of 26 private citizens appointed to the committee that were announced on Monday night. We would say that she would take over the whole thing, except Hollywood power gay Bryan Lourd, the über-agent who is managing director and co-chairman of CAA, is also on the committee. If she can't get her main gay André Leon Talley to call in some velvet mafia favors, he's totally going to try to rule over this whole thing.

Joining them on the list are Sarah Jessica Parker, Ed Norton, Forest Whitaker, Alfre Woodard, Yo-Yo Ma, almost first lady Teresa Heinz Kerry, Kerry Washington, and a bunch of other people we don't care about.

Some may see this is a minor posting, but we see it as a stepping stone to her real destiny, being installed as the monarch of a small European country full of very fashionable people, tasteful architecture, and tennis champions, where only the very slender are allowed inside its borders.

[Pic of Wintour with Obama Social Secretary Desiree Rogers by Alex Geana]

• A tired-looking Sarah Jessica Parker took her three children for a walk and, again, looked tired. So everyone says she has one foot in the grave and it's all Sex and the City's fault because SJP has to work so hard! Pitchforks, please. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Can you believe that someone as famous as Britney Spears has been checking into hotels under assumed names? Once those pitchforks are done with SJP-murdering Sex and the City, turn them on Spears. She's evil. [Page Six]
  
  
• Everyone and their mother's leaving at intermission for the latest incarnation of Othello, which stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Blasphemy! [Page Six
  
  
• Oliver Hudson, Goldie Hawn's less famous child, will soon have a second baby with wife Erinn Bartlett. Mazel! [NYDN]
  
  
• Suri Cruise's wardrobe is worth more than your impoverished life! (PS: Can you believe we live in a society where children are both richer and more fascinating that actual adults? Now, turn those pitchforks on yourselves. And us.) [San Francisco Chronicle]
  
  
• Lily Allen went out, got drunk and her sad, pathetic boyfriend had to watch. [3am]
  
  
• Famous actor Dennis Hopper has been released from the hospital, so halt your prayers. [CBS]
  
  
• The ever-wonderful Liza Minnelli will cover Beyonce's "Single Ladies," because she knows something about such matters. Well, kind of... [MSNBC]
  
  
• Katy Perry, a singer who will no doubt be remembered as a one-hit wonder, has been "snogging" Russell Brand, a comedian of some sort. She also sent him pictures of her boobies. [The Sun]
  
  
• Why are people surprised that a man as rich and connected as Simon Cowell would spend massive amounts of money on his birthday? More importantly, why were we not invited? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's been acting like more of an ass than usual since splitting with his equally horrid wife. Now TLC has suspended the reality show he left because of his "erratic behavior." Huh? [NYDN]
  
  
• A comedian named Billy Eichner recently recounted a sex session with former NYT food critic Frank Bruni, who, said Eichner at the time, has an "oral fixation." What does that even mean? He likes food? Oh... Well, who doesn't? [Page Six]
  
  
• Quentin says there will be a Kill Bill 3. Hoorah! [Page Six]

It's kind of like waking up in a strange man's bed with white powder all over your nose, but not really caring about your lost dignity because you managed to weasel your way into the Jane Hotel and hobnob with famous people. WWD reports that traffic to stores in Manhattan was up 50 percent thanks to the parties and celebrity appearances, even though the amount of revenue taken in wasn't up all that much.

Some consumers sought to connect, if not transact, with the designers making store appearances; others came to socialize and grab a drink, while a minority did actually shop. Several retailers told WWD that Fashion's Night Out, during which more than 700 stores stayed open until 11 p.m. and offered events, celebrities and designers, did lift the day's business. However, most emphasized the main purpose was to bring fun to the stores.

That's right. Since no one has any money anymore, stores are no longer for shopping, they are for getting drinks from Olsen twins, spotting Posh Spice, and watching André Leon Talley lounge around in his latest tent and host a game show. We can now close all the nightclubs, we have stores!

Our favorite quote is from Brooks Brothers bigwig Claudio Del Vecchio:

We do a lot of events, and we generally don't get a lot of business from them...The best thing about Fashion's Night Out is that a lot of people came out and are still looking at shopping in a positive way, even if they didn't shop.

Isn't that like discharging an anorexic from the hospital and saying, "well, she now has a positive view of food, even if she's still not eating." Everyone has a positive view of shopping. Who doesn't love shopping? We'd do it every day, if we could. The problem isn't that people don't like shopping, it's that they have no fucking money! No matter how many times you trot Oscar de la Renta out to sing with Barbara Walters, Bette Midler, and Sarah Jessica Parker, we're still not going to be able to afford the socks at his store. Until everyone can do something about that, all Fashion's Night Out is going to be is just what the fashion world doesn't need—another excuse to get drunk.

You remember, don't you? I was sitting in the back room of the Beatrice about a year ago, drinking a Stella and checking out the 2 a.m. dance floor scene. You walked over and said, "Did you used to work at Page Six?" I agreed that I had, and you sat down next to me.

I was impressed that you were smoking a Marlboro Red and drinking what looked like a whiskey on the rocks. You told me that you had just filmed an episode of Weeds for Showtime, and asked what I was up to. I said I was working at Maxim, which was true at the time. Or maybe I said that I owned Maxim. Or owned all magazines. Let's just say I was trying to impress you.

I don't recall much about the rest of our conversation, other than you were very sweet, were wearing a lot of black eyeliner, and that your hair kind of smelled like clouds. But I do remember that once we were done with our surreal little chat, you said, "Well, I just wanted to say that you look really good tonight." And then you got up, walked across the room and sat with the friends you came with.

I wondered if I had just been totally goofed on. Because by that point in the night I was most likely a wobbly, red-eyed beast who was only capable of engaging women by doing that magic trick that I do with the handkerchief and the collapsible wand. You know the one.

But in retrospect I think that you were probably just in a really good mood. Had you not been Mary-Kate Olsen, I would probably tried to get your number, or at least asked if you wanted to take a ride in my van. But instead, I just smiled and accepted the compliment. Always wanted to say thanks for that. But I've never been able to, because that was the last time I saw you!

So I thought I'd finally have a chance to tell you in person last night when I saw you at Bergdorf-Goodman, where you and your twin sister Ashley were doing a relentlessly-hyped bartending appearance for Fashion's Night Out.

I knew it was a big deal because my cab driver actually asked if I was going to "the thing were the Olsen twins were bartending." We pulled up to a mob of several hundred eager young women clogging the front entrance. I talked my way into a side door and began to look for you in the oppressively-lit department store that reeked of decades of perfume-squirts and shoppers' flop sweat.

I navigated past the throngs of girls roaming the racks to get on the escalator to the 7th Floor, where you were allegedly pouring drinks. Even the escalator was jammed with squealing humanity, and I started getting claustrophobic and sweating a little myself. Honestly, I hadn't seen that much hubbub since the last time I attended a Jonas Brothers lunch box signing!

But once I got to the 7th floor, you were already gone. Mind you, this was only 7:30, and the event started at 7. When I said, out loud, to no one in particular, "Where are the Olsens?" a sad-eyed teenage girl told me that you had left the building. This was particularly devastating because at this point I really needed a drink.

So I pushed through another mob that was surrounding stylist Rachel Zoe as she was shot by about 20 photographers, towards the nearest fire exit. When I finally made it outside, a black Escalade slowed to a stop in front of the crowd spilling outside Bergdorf's. I thought maybe it was you, but it turned out to be designer Zac Posen, who popped out of the sun roof and waved at everyone.

I went to a few other insanely crowded boutiques before I headed back downtown: The Versace store, where the MisShapes deejayed and Taylor Momsen darted past me wearing a garter belt and a white dress shirt; the Calvin Klein store, where the disturbingly pretty male model Jamie Burke played a set with his band; and Barney's, where so many strangers rubbed up against me that I felt like I owed them money afterwards.

But you weren't at any of those places, so I hopped a cab back downtown and met some friends at the Jane Hotel, which is kind of like the Beatrice was, except not quite as much fun.

Your pal,

Chris

P.S.

Call Me!
Mary-Kate Olsen serves the drinks, for a change.
Sarah Jessica Parker can barely stand the funky music from Oscar de la Renta, Barbara Walters, and Bette Midler. Neither can we.
Fashion Victim.
Grace Coddington is the only Vogue staffer allowed to laugh.
This leatherman is the ghost of the the Meatpacking District past.
Someone tries to mess with The Tinz' perfection.
Radical knitting group tries to take over Barney's handbag department in hopes of reinvigorating interest in wool handbags.
Gossip Girl-on-girl action.
Food! You don't serve food at a fashion party!
Booze. Now that's more like it.
Blake, what if we told you there will be blow at the afterparty.
That's more like it.
Running out of live celebrities, Bloomingdale's hired wax Leonardo DiCaprio to make an appearance.
Fashion's Night Out works! This woman came out to shop for the first time since 1977!
Charlize Theron is beautiful. That is all.
The only way to shut Isaac Mizrahi up is to ask him to sing.
Don't knock these boots.
"Uh, who are we waiting for?"
Give Georgio Armani five.
Rhianna got the dates confused with July 23, which is Fashion's Day Out At The Beach.
Anna Wintour has decided to start talking shit about Sienna Miller to her face.
Jill Zarin inspects her human avatar.
The rare site of Lindsay Lohan shopping.
Last night Jonathan Adler and Simon Doonan made that rhino while playing Ghost.
André Leon Talley shows off his latest Snuggie.
Victoria Beckham thought she was showing up for a literacy benefit.
Michael Kors tries to slap Debra Messing when she points out the step and repeat matches his skin tone exactly.

• Sarah Jessica Parker and her Sex and The City cast mates need extra security to protect them from hordes of fans. Said one witness, "At one point, teenage girls were practically trampling each other trying to get to Sarah Jessica as she was walking back to her trailer, but her security team was shoving everyone out of the way." Don't worry, though, SJP told her security detail to treat the deranged masses kindly. But not too kindly.[Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ashley Dupre, Eliot Spitzer's once-favorite prostitute, bit back at ladies who criticize her. According to Dupre, many women, not just hookers, use their feminine wiles to get bags, clothes and other lavish things. Some men do, too. [NY Post]
  
  
• Freddie Fackelmayer is allegedly Whitney Port's new love interest on The Hills, but they reality couple said nothing to one another during a recent outing to the Jane Hotel. One source couldn't be more pleased, because Fackelmayer's a "total mess." [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, damn! Page Six has a follow-up to the NYDN's item about Alec Baldwin wanting to meet Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel. Says Baldwin, "I don't know her and wasn't looking to meet her, but somehow this ends up in the Daily News — manufacturing a nice gesture into a total BS item suggesting I want to date this woman. Nothing against her, but I'm not dating anyone." [Page Six]
  
  
• Ew. Jon Gosselin has been hanging out in Vegas, buying drinks for ladies and the ladies are returning the favor by giving him massages. And, we fear, more. [Page Six]
  
  
• In other Jon Gosselin news, the father of eight recorded his first interview and says hell demon wife Kate was mean and verbally abused him: "She'll call me like, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere." [NYDN]
  
  
• Former British PM Tony Blair will visit David Letterman's Late Show next week. Expect an explosion of self-deprecating humor. [Reuters]
  
  
• A former assistant for Tyra Banks is suing the mini-mogul for $5,820 in back wages. [TMZ]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will break her silence on Michael's death in an upcoming issue of Harper's Bazaar. [Page Six]
  
  
• Friends and family gathered in Los Angeles yesterday to lay the late DJ AM to rest. [Bauer-Griffin]
  
  
• Lisa Loeb (remember her?) has been impregnated by her husband, Roey Hershkovitz. [ET]
  
  
• Daniel Radcliffe refuses to go to parties populated by lowly B-list celebrities. It's only A-list for him. And rightfully so. [PTI]
  
  
• Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts is not leaving the band, so stop saying he is. [NME]

The paper points out that Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw was snapped filming a scene without a wedding ring. It's true! We ran a picture too! From that they surmise that Carrie will end up single again. But later in the day, Parker and Chris "Mr. Big" Noth filmed a scene when they were both wearing wedding rings. Does that mean they're divorcing? Or maybe they get divorced, and are single, and then they remarry. Maybe Carrie gets divorced and then she remarries Miranda in Connecticut (the ladies can do that there) so that Carrie can raise a red-headed stepchild of her own. Or maybe one is a dream sequence. Oh, this game makes our head hurt more than a night of cosmo and cougar sex talk with the girls!

• Reality show siren Heidi Montag thinks she's ready for children. Thankfully, her husband, the weaselly Spencer Pratt, has enough common sense to hold off on reproduction. [NYDN]
  
  
• Superman: Man of Steel producer Jon Peters has been ordered to stay 100 yards away from colleague Brian Quintana after Peters allegedly threatened to break his legs during a hearing for Quintana's ongoing sexual harassment suit against Peters. And you thought your office had drama. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bethenny Frankel does not approve of her Real Housewives of New York co-star Jill Zarin's new friends: Why would Jill be hanging with Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan?.... It is utterly embarrassing." [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Did that 2008 plane crash play a role in DJ AM's untimely death? Addiction expert and reality star Dr. Drew Pinsky thinks the pain killers Mr. AM took after the crash led to his relapse and, ultimately, his overdose. [ET]
  
  
• Holy smokes! Victoria Beckham went to the gym without makeup! What is the world coming to? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Libyan tyrant Moammar Khadafy will be coming to New York next month and, according to her, wanted to rent Joan Rivers' apartment for $200,000/week. Sadly, it didn't work out. [Page Six]
  
  
• Elizabeth Moss, arguably one of the best actresses around, doesn't have a "grand strategy" when picking her roles, which explains her turn in the Sarah Jessica Parker romantic comedy Did You Hear About The Morgans? [THR]
  
  
• Dancing With The Stars "star" Melissa Rycroft accidentally squirted Orlando Bloom girlfriend Miranda Kerr in the face with a perfume spritzer. We won't even go there.... [Page Six]
  
  
• Oasis brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher got into a huge tiff during a Friday concert and, apparently, the band's now broken up, because Noel thinks Liam's a "fucking moron." Fair enough. [The Sun]
  
  
• Fashion designer Tara Subkoff has bounced back after having a benign tumor removed from her brain. That's good news. [Page Six]
  
  
• Martha's Vineyard can't stop talking about Chelsea Clinton's wedding. Though the former first daughter's parents haven't said anything, everyone's convinced the nuptials could happen at any second. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna and boyfriend Jesus visited the Western Wall while in Israel. Hilarity ensued. (Well, not really.) [AP]

The assumption when any television show hit ends its run is that the stars will go on to fame and fortune and other projects. Sometimes that happens and we never hear from them again (see Friends and inexplicably Full House) but when it doesn't, they all rush back to familiar territory to jump start their careers. Here's are scale from the worst to best.

Dynasty
Final Episode: May 1989
Breakout Stars: Heather Locklear, Emma Samms (just kidding)
Reunion: Dynasty: The Reunion aired in August 1991. The came back for another go-round Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar in 2006.
Cause: There were some cliffhanger plotlines to tie up, and really, nobody was doing anything else. Also, shoulder pads were about to go out of style, so they had to do it to save on the wardrobe budget.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: So bad it's campy.

Firefly
Final Episode: August 2003
Breakout Stars: Does anyone beside us and hardcore Joss Whedon fans even remember this?
Reunion: Serenity hit movie theaters in September, 2005
Cause: To try to get someone, anyone, to finally watch this thing. It failed.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: Did it have any to start with?

Sex and the City
Final Episode: February 2004
Breakout Stars: Sarah Jessica Parker, who was the biggest show when the series started. Everyone else found out there really aren't any roles for women over 30.
Reunion: Sex and the City: The Movie came out in May 2008 and broke box office records. A sequel is planned
Cause: These ladies needed a way to make some money. And, obviously, cosmo-swilling Midwestern "fashionistas" demanded it.
Held Out: 4 years.
Respectability: Shameless.

The X-Files
Final Episode: May 2002
Breakout Stars: David Duchovny, who was only a recurring character on the show's final two seasons, is doing quite well on Californication.
Reunion: X-Files: I Want to Believe, the second movie based on the show, failed at the box office in July of 2008.
Cause: We still haven't figured this one out.
Held Out: 6 years.
Respectability: Pretty lame.

Seinfeld
Final Episode: May 1998
Breakout Stars: All of them, but the biggest has been Larry David, now of Curb Your Enthusiasm who wasn't even an actor on the show. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is still holding down The Adventures of Old Christine. Jerry Seinfeld sits in his house and counts his money, only leaving occasionally to do stand-up, American Express commercials, and The Bee Movie. Jason Alexander had a few failed sitcoms and KFC commercials. Michael Richards had a racist rant that ruined his career.
Reunion: On the cover of Entertainment Weekly August 2009.
Cause: They'll all guest on Curb Your Enthusiasm this year, where a Seinfeld reunion becomes a meta plot point. For a giggle. They're all still rolling in residuals.
Held Out: 11 years.
Respectability: High.

Facts of Life
Final Episode: May 1988
Breakout Stars: Nancy McKeon was a Lifetime fixture before going to rock the tween set on the Disney Channel's Sonny with a Chance. George Clooney did two seasons.
Reunion: The Facts of Life Reunion aired on ABC in November 2001
Cause: Because the gays thought it would be fun and Mrs. Garrett wasn't getting any younger.
Held Out: 13 years.
Respectability: Surprising good. This also seems to be the exception that proves the rule, either that or all the girls have given up on acting careers.

Saved by the Bell
Final Episode: May 1993 (we're not counting The College Years, which ended in 1994)
Breakout Stars: Mark-Paul Gosselaar did the later seasons of NYPD Blue and is now a hit on cable's Raising the Bar. Tiffani Amber Thiessen did 90210, Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place, Fastlane, and Good Morning, Miami. Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls and became a Hollywood punchline, Mario Lopez danced with stars, and Dustin Diamond released a sex tape.
Reunion: The cover of People in August 2009.
Cause: Because it was either that or Jimmy Kimmel.
Held Out:16 years.
Respectability: Amazing!

We ate at 9 and they were still there when we left at 11:30.

Yesterday we gaev you a preview of Prospect Park West, Sohn's upcoming book about four Brooklyn mommies behaving badly. One of the ladies is Melora, a Hollywood actress who moves to Park Slope, so the narrative is peppered with fake stories about real celebrities. Melora and Hudson fight over a part, Lucy Liu calls Melora a "fucked up woman," Maggie Gyllenhaal is her mortal enemy (her's too?) and Alec Baldwin steals her therapist. Do you think some of them will guest star when Sarah Jessica Parker turns this into a series?

The Post dutifully called the publicists of the celebs involved. Most wouldn't comment, one never heard of the book, and Alec Baldwin's harried publicist, happy that his client didn't call anyone a pig in a voicemail again, says Baldwin doesn't care about Sohn's made-up tales, adding "It doesn't sound like such a good book."

But at least Sohn is fun enough to add a bit of sizzle to her novel. Today the New York Times fills us in on the new trend in chick lit: books with heroines who are weathering the economic meltdown.

Framed as cautionary tales, these books introduce female characters compelled to "face facts, raise funds and watch out for themselves," said Elizabeth Beier, who edited The Summer Kitchen. "They're not just vicariously experiencing other women's getting and spending," she said. "They are taking charge of their own identities; they are actually doing something, and that always makes more involving fiction."

God, that sounds as boring as reading Ruth Madoff's inevitable indictment. We'd much rather read some fake bullshit about famous people than some fake bullshit about the formerly rich trying to turn their lives around. That's why we pick up the Post every morning!

Well, it's just like Sex and the City if all the girls pulled a Miranda and moved to Park Slope. In the novel, Sohn—a former sex columnist for the New York Press and New York— follows around four different women in the neighborhood as they negotiate husbands, kids, real estate, play dates, and shifts at the co-op. It's all very Brooklyn.

Naturally one is a freelance writer (hi, Amy!) and one is an insecure actress (hi, Sarah!), and there's a bitchy supermom and a former lesbian too! It will be great once this thing really takes off and the "Prospect Park West" tours begin in Brooklyn. Between the tourists and the strollers, there won't be an inch of free sidewalk space anywhere.

Read below where Rebecca, the freelance journalist character (who hasn't had sex in 18 months!), takes on some evil mommies at the playground.

Cohen, the senior vice president of original programming and development at the channel beloved of gays and their hags, started inserting his pretty little face on the tube by hosting the reunion shows of various incarnations of the Real Housewives franchise. Their high ratings naturally lead him to believe that he was the reason viewers were tuning in and decided to give us a weekly dose of wankery on Watch What Happens Live, where he interviews celebrities (about himself) and Bravo mainstays (about how much they love him). It's horrible and we can't stop watching.

Last week featured the sharpened-pencil face of "real" housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub, finally shedding light on the horrible thing she did to fellow housewife Dina Manzo that made sister Caroline cry on the recent reunion show. We also got a booty call with Andy's close personal friend Sarah Jessica Parker. He asks her questions about the Sex and the City episodes he guest-starred in, and she rightfully doesn't remember. Don't worry Andy, we'll kiss your bruised ego and make it all better.

Our favorite bit is when he says he's going to send SJP some fried chicken so that she can put it in the blender and feed it to her newborn twins. That, right there, is why Florida won't let gays adopt children.

What we love is that everything about him and his show is as obvious as Michael Kors' fake tan. This Thursday he has on his friends Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos and designer Isaac Mizrahi, who is cashing his Bravo paycheck when he's not making $10 frocks for Target. So, yet again the show will be all about Andy and his network.

And that's with us. We haven't haven't seen such boldfaced buffoonery on television since Britney and Kevin: Chaotic and look how well that turned out!

It has to be Peter Mattis, co-creator of the open-source image editor GIMP and a Google engineer. The clues are all right there in the Times article. A tipster helped lay them out for us.

"Harken Pretty" anagram: The apartment, once thought to be sold to movie stars Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, instead went to an LLC called "Harken Pretty," which is an anagram of the first names of the buyers, according to the Times. Mattis is married to Kathryn Kimball; the couple are pictured in the image at left, taken from Kimball's Facebook profile (here's Peter's profile). "Harken Pretty" is the most coherent anagram for the couple's first names.

Young family: The buyers have a "young family," just like the trio of Mattis, Kimball and baby in the picture above.

Used to live in SoHo: The Times' mystery buyers want to escape "the hustle and bustle and celebrity of SoHo, where the family now lives." Mattis and Kimball used to live at 56 Crosby Street, according to sales records, before putting the property up for sale earlier this year. (Mattis implied in the Times that some of his coworkers might be jealous of his new home; perhaps they could take some relief in the fact he had to cut the price of his old home twice, reducing the asking price by a total of $650,000.)

Money to burn: The new apartment costs about $3.5 million more than the current listing price of the old apartment. But judging by Mattis and Kimball's political donations, they have plenty surplus cash to spend. Campaign records show donations to three different candidates in the last presidential election by the couple: $2,300 to libertarian Republican Ron Paul; $4,600 to Demorat Hillary Clinton; and $4,600 to Democrat Barack Obama in Mattis' name and another $2,300 in his wife's name (see here and here).

We've emailed Mattis at Google, Facebook and two old Berkeley email addresses. We'll let you know if we hear back. UPDATE: Mattis called; he wasn't happy to see his family plastered on a website and went out of his way to say he wasn't telling us anything on the record. (The photos above were taken from the public front of Mattis and Kimball's Facebook profiles.)

Okay, so maybe not Bazillionaires, but they were definitely around before the Google IPO. Reports the Times on who actually ended up on what was rumored to be the pad SJP and Matthew Broderick were migrating to from the West Village: Google employees who declined to be named. And why all the anonymity?

The buyers asked that their names not be published - not to keep autograph seekers at bay, but because of the office culture at Google. It seems that the first generation of employees, who earned millions from stock options awarded when the company went public, sit side by side with colleagues who were hired later.

Ouch. Somewhere in the Google offices, someone who lives in a mansion is sitting side-by-side with someone stuck in a one-bedroom in the land of the hoi polloi. Meanwhile, the Times took this time to stick their tounge out at, uh, lesser outlets who rested their reporting on purely speculative efforts:

Ina Treciokas, a spokesman for Ms. Parker, said that as of last week she had received only two calls about the town house, and had unequivocally denied that Ms. Parker had any connection to it. She also said that none of the scores of entertainment and real estate Web sites that picked up the story bothered to call to ask about Ms. Parker's real estate plans.

In your face, entertainment sites! But it gets better: the Times also took a moment to swipe at what's - truth be told - another borough that isn't Manhattan. Clearly fit for a Google employee, not movie stars. Duh.

In the last few days, real estate and entertainment bloggers and columnists have been twittering en masse over rumors and reports that the ultimate Manhattan girl, Sarah Jessica Parker, and her husband, Matthew Broderick, had decided to abandon Manhattan, and their 20-foot-wide West Village town house, for a larger place in what, truth be told, is still an outer borough.

We may be a speculative entertainment blogger, but the reporters at the Times are still, truth be told, kinda assholes. No matter where they live.

Further reading: Brooklyn Loses Sarah Jessica Parker, Gains a Super Rich Googler [All Things Digital]

Now that they're the proud parents of three chillens, it might be time for the actor couple to bust out of their simply tiny West Village townhouse and into more respectable mansiony digs. Perfect then that artsy power couple Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany sold their Prospect Park West manse last year. A company called Harken Pretty purchased the home for $8.45 million last December, and the Post thinks that simply must have something to do with SJP's production company Pretty Matches. It just must! Whoever bought the palace is gutting it completely. After all the work you put into, Jennifer...

Parker has shown an interest in Park Slope creatively recently, snapping up the rights to Amy Sohn's decadent take on the Park Slope mommy-cult Prospect Park West. It could become a TV series! Because everyone loved Lipstick Jungle so much they'll like it even better when it's about moms! In Brooklyn!

Oh man, get us outta here.

Pic via Curbed

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