• Jennifer Aniston has an "unbelievably warm and respectful" relationship with ex-husband Brad Pitt, but that skank new wife of his? Who recently told the Times she and Pitt fell in love on the Mr. & Miss Smith set, while he was still married to Aniston? She's a piece of work. "That stuff about how she couldn't wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool."
• This one ex-hooker may or may not have tape recorded her phone conversations with Ashley Dupre, call girl to Eliot Spitzer. On this basis, she's been deemed worthy of a pay-to-view porn site in her honor. Looking at naked pictures of a girl who maybe talked to Dupre a few times will set you back $5.99 . [P6]
• A Harlem church's applause for Hillary Clinton was merely "courteous." Scandal! [P6]
• Sarah Jessica Parker would like everyone to know that there is no Sex And The City movie sequel until she says there is a Sex And The City movie sequel. OK? Thanks. [Access Hollywood]
• Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend showed up at a Christian bookstore for Stephen Baldwin's book signing. Cyrus is friends with Baldwin's daughter; Baldwin has a a Hannah Montana tattoo on his arm, because Cyrus dared him to. [E!]
• Either Joe the Plumber was trashing John McCain, or a bunch of bar patrons decided to swarm some McCain-hater who looks like Joe the Plumber. [P6]

Suri Cruise in Out of This World
The daughter of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and a strange whirring machine kept in a corner of Tom's basement is but a mere babe right now. But in a few years, the curious patent leather-shoed Victorian tyke could be ready for showbiz. We see her going one of two ways. Either she stars as the spunky yet earthy and wise younger sister to the next tween sensation on a Disney Channel sitcom called Zaidee Zenkman's Zany Zoo or some crap. But more likely, she'll do a remake of Out of This World, a 1980's teen sitcom about a girl named Evie whose father is an alien who lives in a magic crystal pyramid she keeps in her bedroom. She can freeze time and shit. So it would be a reality series.

Lourdes Leon in Way Upper West Side Story
Lourdes is the daughter of a personal trainer named Carlos and a pop singer named Madonna. She's 12 years old and is becoming something of a fashion plate. So it would make sense if she, like her moms, dabbled a bit in filmmaking. Her big remake opportunity comes (everyone's gotta do a remake!) when she's asked, at age 16, to star in Way Upper West Side Story. She plays barrio princess Maria in this Latin and hip-hop infused update of the famous musical. Like current Broadway hit In The Heights, it's set in Manhattan's Washington Heights neighborhood. The story is tragic as, in the end, she loses her one true love, the Upper West Side Jewish boy Tony Arnstein (played by Harvey Weinstein's kid). It's a huge Step Up 2: The Streets-style hit. She becomes a multi-culti music sensation, her mama is proud.

James Wilke Broderick in Were The World Mine
The son of actor Matthew Broderick and the Secretariat of lady business movies and TV, Sarah Jessica Parker, James will enter showbiz against his parents wishes. He'll mostly have small roles in TV shows at first, playing the shaggy and insecure friends of various tween girl stars. Does he have a crush on them? Will they ever date? Who's going to make the first move? The answer will come when, some day down the road, he stars in a remake of this movie. Then, amid a flurry of glitter, everyone will know. He'll end up quitting the biz, opening a restaurant in Hell's Kitchen with his roommate Gideon and spending most of his time out in Montauk, in his flower garden or on the phone with his "Mother dear."

Brooklyn Beckham in Ya Fucked, a Peter Pan "Update"
The eldest son of bedazzled pop singer and fashion designer Victoria and, well, equally bedazzled futbol player David, Brooklyn is as close to royalty as it gets in England (oh... wait.) When he hits 15, coming out of a painful awkward phase and blossoming into his genes-given good looks, he'll decide to take on a ludicrous white-boy rapping career. This will be like seven years in the future, so rapping will mostly involve computers and the sound of cash registers blinging. He'll follow that up with a couple action movies, eventually doing a Guy Ritchie-directed techno funk remake of Peter Pan simply and oddly titled Ya Fucked. It will perform poorly and be the running joke of the industry for about two years or so. After that embarrassment, he'll quit showbiz to go to Cambridge, where he'll excel at art history, eventually taking a teaching post at New Castle and living a quiet life. Until, inevitably every year, one of his students finds an old copy of Ya Fucked and makes him play it in class.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in Sweet Valley High School Musical
Shiloh, Brad and Angie's first biological child, will go heavy into showbiz. She'll get her own Nickelodeon sitcom at age 12 called Nipsy Nugget's Nine Nannies about a rich girl with a series of wacky nannies. At age 14 she'll release her debut album, called No More Secretz, featuring such confessional tracks as "U Didn't Kno Bout My Celly" and "Better Luck Text Time." Then will come her most infamous role, playing both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield in a short-lived TV series called Sweet Valley High School Musical. By age 23 she'll have blown through her Nipsy money, and will be reeling from the relative failure of her two follow-up albums, What U Need From Me? and The Great Connecticut Sousaphone Experiment. After a mild meth problem, mama Angie will swoop in and save the day. At 30, Shiloh will release a searing memoir called Til Smith Do Us Part and will land a supporting role in the remake of the remake of 90210 as a sassy, if world-weary, English teacher.

There are so many more Jolie-Pitts to consider! Let's do a list! (A listicle WITHIN a listicle! Pareene's head just exploded)

• Maddox: This was the first one, right? Angelina Jolie adopted him from Cambodia before she married hooked up with actor Brad Pitt. He'll end up being kind of alterna and will go to Reed in Oregon. He won't do much showbiz, except for directing a few weirdo, trippy skateboarding shorts
• Zahara and Pax: Jolie's two other adopted chillens, they'll both attend Northwestern and graduate with honors. Zahara will become a scholar of feminist theatre, writing her dissertation on Suzan Lori-Parks. Pax and his life partner Ethan will move to Ethan's native Calgary, Alberta where Pax will work as a high school administrator and part-time saxophonist in a local jazz band.
• Vivienne and Knox: In the summer of 2024, the twins, vacationing in Borneo, will hop into a hot air balloon and float away, never to be seen again. Some people will claim to have spotted them doing drag performances of Gypsy at the Guthrie in Minneapolis under assumed names, but those reports will mostly be dismissed as rumor.

Well I think we know who it's not:



Jessica Lange: hair looks good, but the eyes look all senile and disoriented. Possible?



Oy, Edie Falco. But it's nowhere near as scary as the Wikipedia photo she has not to my knowledge made any attempts to alter, so it's probably not her.



Ha ha ha, Lypsinka



Oh God it's totally Ellen Barkin, duh. Maybe don't pose with Julianne Moore next time, lady! But what a week for the phantom plastic surgery shadow, huh.

SidAndFinancy's new line beats the original, Sarah Jessica Parker Will Not Apologize For These Sweet Threads.

MattGaymon's new line beats the original, Doomsday at Tiffany's.

Although we've wondered whether Zee makes Elle too gay, he comes complete with long-running connections with J. Lo, Justin Timberlake and Sarah Jessica Parker plus a Horacio Alger, immigrant-makes-good biography. And he apparently also has a silver tongue. Here's what he told Page Six about the naked Vanity Fair shoot:

“Keira and Scarlett really were naked [in front of the cameras] for a while, but they got it. You have [photographer] Annie Leibovitz, you have Tom Ford—I think the girls realized that they were in trusted hands. It’s not Playboy. They knew it would be interesting and artful. Plus, Tom Ford [guest edited this issue and he] is incredibly visual and incredibly specific. He wants to direct movies now, and no doubt he’ll be phenomenal at it.”

Zee also bends other celebrity women to his will, through the magic of, uh, listening. Tricky and clever! Here's how it works:

“I identify with big personality women like Jennifer, Madonna, Mariah,” Joe says of the connection he has with stars. “I love their style, but I also love their careers, the decisions they make—all those things that make them who they are. Maybe it’s because I treat them as three-dimensional, successful women with real ideas, not as models.”

At the moment, though, J.Lo looks as comfortable in front of the camera as any career catwalker. It’s not the first time the pair has collaborated: Joe styled her for every W cover she’s shot over the years and for her album art for 2001’s J.Lo. Today, she rolls her caramel shoulders and tosses her hair before photographer Carter Smith as Joe stands nearby, directing her while chewing furiously on a piece of gum. “Gorgeous with your arm up like that,” he shouts. “Hot! Hot! She’s smokin’!”

You know what else Joe Zee is good at, besides fashion? Name dropping!

[Page Six Magazine]

They always remember names and stuff? Well that's easy enough to fake. They just have their assistants look up whatever journalist they're meeting with that day, print out a picture, and make a little flashcard. Simple as that! Of course these people are friendly to the press. They're at work. Though I'm sure myriad waiters and Starbucks baristas and parking valets and hotel concierges would agree with the choices, right? Right?

SidAndFinancy's new line beats the original, The Hair Says "I Love You," The Eyes Say "Dear God Help Me"

• Kate Hudson totally finished her first Tour De Lance! Congratulations! [P6]
• Donna Karan is going to Africa with Calvin Klein and two Vanity Fair editors to try and find inspiration for her new collection, "Urban Zen." Because when you think of Zen, you think of the continent of Africa! [Observer]
• Despite rumors that Matthew Broderick cheated on Sarah Jessica Parker with a 25-year-old youth counselor, everything is totally fine in their relationship. You can tell by how hapy they look in the attached photo. [OK!]
• In jail for soliciting a 14-year-old prostitute, billionaire scuzz Jeff Epstein "has a cell to himself and spends his days at the library e-mailing various models he befriended in New York." I'll bet he does. [P6]
• So, wow, it turns out Amy Winehouse didn't go to the hospital due to legal addiction-busting drugs after all! Go figure. It turns out ecstasy was somehow involved. Also there was a four-hour drinking game and 11 prescription pills. Now her father is trying to figure out which devious soul slipped drugs into her drink. Um, gosh, no idea.
• Ben Silverman, onetime NBC golden boy and close friend to Rupert Murdoch's daughter, may be done for at the network if his fall shows do as poorly as his summer shows. [P6]
• OMG Lauren Conrad cried at home recently once. This means the Hills star is an "out of control... emotional train wreck" who is "wallowing in the misery that she feels her life has become." Someone stop her before she cries again! [Star]
• Though probably drunk, Shia LaBeouf may also have been the victim of a red-light-runner and thus not at fault in his big accident. [People]
• Britney Spears spent $22,000 per month to go from 144 pounds to whatever pretty hot weight she's at now. [Mail]
• The doorman who won $5 million in the lottery has been fired. [Post]

• Dark Knight star Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his own mother and sister. Police apparently waited to question Bale about the incident because "it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere." Yes, one wouldn't want to interrupt the celebration of a fictional vigilante crime fighter with an awkward attempt to, you know, fight crime. [Sun]
• Alec Baldwin's book A Promise To Ourselves is about how the screwed up divorce and family court system made him very angry, resulting in the famously abusive voice mail he left his daughter. You know what else makes Baldwin very angry? Being rescheduled four times for an interview with Diane Sawyer about the book, just because her husband went into heart surgery or whatever. [R&M]
• Sarah Jessica Parker has an art competition show, and it's headed for Bravo. The creators of Project Runway are involved. [P6]
• Harvey Weinstein's Weinstein Co. is expanding with a full 11,000-square-foot floor in a TriBeCa building. Their credit is still good! Or at least it is with their old landlord. [Post]
• Britney Spears looks good in a bikini again, thanks to the magic of cool, refreshing cigarettes. [Egotastic]
• Madonna is taking time off from her tour under doctor's orders. Supposedly, the pop star fired two dancers and her tour manager was on the verge of walking out. "One of her closest pals says she has never seen Madonna so low." [Sun]
• Alex Rodriguez is negotiating with his wife Cynthia in New York this week to "quickly settle their divorce" and "avoid a public 'slugfest.'" Oh, good. Because one can only imagine the salacious gossip that might emerge from such a situation. [Post]
• Al Reynolds was spotted at Miami Fashion Week with a woman "who was the spitting image" of Star Jones, complete with four-inch stilettos. [Post]
• Larry Mendte, the Philadelphia TV news co-anchor of cop-puncher Alycia Lane, was charged by the feds with reading Lane's email, including during breaks from the 11 o'clock news, and presumably for also forwarding her email to various tabloids, because if low-grade email snooping alone is a federal crime this guy is one unlucky bastard. [P6]
• Miley Cyrus is interested in taking the movie role of "a lovable, lost suburban girl who descends into a life of reckless partying and promiscuity." How does Vanity Fair continue to manipulate her this way?? [Scoop]
• Fashion line Guess wants its lead model to look like Amy Winehouse. On purpose. [P6]
• Paris Hilton is maybe tired of boyfriend Benji Madden, even though she recently wanted to marry him and have his babies, according to rumor and so forth. [E!]

• Britney Spears gave up custody of her two sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline, retaining only visitation rights. The singer had been showing signs of steady mental and physical improvement, so it seemed odd she'd give up her custody battle so readily. Meanwhile, Spears' handlers keep trying to nudge her into making some more money for them, already. Sad.
• Amy Poehler is leaving Saturday Night Live for a spinoff of the Office. I think it's safe to blame Chris Matthews. [AP]
• After admitting she was stung by Maxim magazine calling her the "unsexiest woman in the world," Sarah Jessica Parker had her trademark mole removed. Or maybe it had nothing to do with the stupid magazine thing and everything to do with the mole having to be digitally edited out of the Sex And The City movie, which would make anyone a touch self-conscious. [LA Times]
• The Who bandmates Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey are supposed to do a $100 million tour but are already fighting over song selection and insisting on separate dressing rooms, hotels, travel arrangements and staff, because that's what cranky senior citizens do. [P6]
• Ryan Phillippe sent his brunette girlfriend, Australian actress Abbie Cornish, to get her hair dyed the same color as his blonde ex-wife, Reese Witherspoon — in the same salon. [P6]
• Pictures of British actress Dame Helen Mirren in a bikini: Surprisingly hot! [Daily Mail]
• Jennifer Aniston told Miley Cyrus she'd like to make a movie together. Cyrus gave a tentative OK, subject to Annie Leibovitz's approval. [Star]

• Jennifer Aniston spends $20,000 per month on beauty treatments, supposedly, including twice-a-month, $1,000-a-pop spa treatments for cellulite. All to impress John Mayer, who kissed Perez Hilton? [Enquirer]
• Actress Tatum O'Neal is paying a fine and attending two half-day drug-treatment sessions as punishment for her crack buy. Her dealer? Deported! No wonder he was saying he felt abandoned. [Post]
• Director Mike Nichols had a coronay bypass operation over the weekend and is recuperating. [P6]
• After deciding Sarah Jessica Parker was the "unsexiest woman alive," Maxim magazine is now calling her its "Unexpected Crush." Maxim is a 12 year-old boy. [Post]
• Before throwing herself at actress Drew Barrymore's ex, Justin Long, actress Kirsten Dunst followed actor Emile Hirsch to a club, by herself. [P6]
• Teen star Miley Cyrus gave a "rude hand gesture" to some paparazzi while riding a rollercoaster. But it somehow involved two fingers. One gesture, two fingers — how rude could it have been? [Showbiz Spy]
• The girlfriend of the brother of Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend Sam Ronson is "confirming" they are together. This would be what is meant by "inching out of the closet," right?? [Sun]

The success of Sex and the City has convinced execs that film versions of beloved 90's sitcoms are a good idea, so a Friends movie is on the way. The article emphasizes Jennifer Aniston's role in the decision making process and speculates she's jealous of Sarah Jessica Parker's recent success. We should put together a magazine exclusively dedicated to speculating about Jennifer Aniston's emotions. It seems to be a popular preoccupation these days.

This is a horrible idea. Sex and the City was pay cable and it was classy. Watching it always felt like you were getting a little gem. Sometimes the gems sucked, but the irregular production schedule and HBO gloss made you feel like it was special. Also, partial nudity!

Friends was sharp, sure, but it was mass produced. We've got 238 episodes of it, and we've spent the past 10 years catching re-runs of it at 6:30 because we had nothing better to do between the gym and dinner. The characters are definitely beloved, but I don't know if a movie feels appropriate to it.

One issue is that Friends was a old-school three-camera sitcom. The genre leads to an unusual level of reality that can be hard to could be hard to bring to the screen. Also, they're old. Do we want to see Phoebe Buffay in her late 40s?

The biggest question, though: Can they get Marcel the monkey to sign on?

[Daily Mail]

SidAndFinancy's new line beats the original, "If You Need Me to Go Up Front and Pull, No Problem."

The actress is in talks with Warner Bros. to star in "The Ivy Chronicles," a story of class and the single woman in contemporary New York. It centers on Ivy Ames, an Upper East Side woman who, after losing her high-powered job and getting divorced, starts over again in a less ritzy downtown apartment. After pulling her children from private school, Ames starts a business to help upper-middle-class women get their children into elite kindergartens.

The project, based on Karen Quinn's eponymous novel, is described as following in the vein of "The Devil Wears Prada" and "The Nanny Diaries" as well as Gigi Levangie Grazer's "The Starter Wife," which became a successful limited series on USA. Jerry Weintraub is set to produce.

• Tatum O'Neal, recently busted for buying cocaine, is now attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. But Showbiz Spy reported the actress was spotted with "what looked like white wine" at a New York ballet gala. Showbiz Spy attributed the sighting to People.com, but any mention of the wine has been scrubbed from the People.com report. We found this picture of the event from Getty Images — totally looks like iced tea. Click the thumbnail for a larger shot.
• Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is in a fight with Sarah Jessica Parker over who recognized who outside the Bloomberg Building, and which one of them bummed a cigarette. Dignified. [P6, NYM]
• Michael Madsen, the actor from Reservoir Dogs and Kill Bill, fought so loudly with his wife in a London hotel room that police were summoned. He ended up leaving in an ambulance with "cuts and bruises." [R&M]
• Tricia Walsh-Smith, famous for ranting at her estranged, rich husband on YouTube, is now raging at her videographer. [P6]
• NBC is supposedly close to paying $2 million for footage of Farrah Fawcett being treated for anal cancer. [P6]
• Mariah Carey? Greedy about wedding gifts. [P6]

“In the big picture, this is not important, but there is a relationship between the entertainment industry and fashion,” Parker said on Thursday evening, adding. “We’ve watched sales dwindle and we’ve watched people be less inclined to spend money on clothes.” To Parker, these are reasons for companies to take particular care with their relationships. “Look, my affection for the dress hasn’t changed,” she said, “but what they did was so short-sighted. It’s just unethical and disappointing that they would allow the dress to be worn again.”

Interesting. But, um, also unethical? Using your biggest fans as unwitting publicity props by giving the worthless tickets, having them line up for hours and then sending them home without the promised movie, all because your production company was too incompetent to secure the thousands of available extra seats.

And they don't have a $56 million, twice-as-good-as-expected opening weekend box office to cushion the slight.

[Times]

In a montage of wedding-dress fittings, [Parker's "Carrie"] honors "new friends like Vera Wang and Carolina Herrera and Christian Lacroix, Lanvin and Dior," and so on; what I object to is not the name-dropping—think of it as a chick response to American Psycho—but the montage itself, which is shot in lazy veils of schmaltz. Compare the quick-change sequence in Funny Face, with Audrey Hepburn robed in one Givenchy masterpiece after another, and you sense not merely the greater snap in Stanley Donen’s direction (with more than a hand from Richard Avedon), and the hotter bloom of the coloring, but the way in which Hepburn herself outglows the frocks, with her smile and her imperious shout—“Take the picture, take the picture!” No thoroughbred was ever just a clotheshorse.

The women in Sex and the City, by that standard, are little better than also-rans, and their gallops of conspicuous consumption seem oddly joyless, as displacement activities tend to be.

You know, Anthony, beating the dead horse of the Sex And The City movie is fine because you do it so well, but trotting out insensitive language like this will only saddle you with criticism.

[New Yorker]

So my friend and I had tickets to the SATC premiere tonight. We left work early and booked it over there. When we got there, there was a line spanning from 50th and 6th to 50th and 5th around to 51st between 5th and 6th. We realized there probably wasn't much of a chance everyone would fit but it was Radio City sooo lots of seats. Some photographers took pics of the line and once that was done they told EVERYONE to go home. Not one ticket holder entered the theater. There were probably a couple of thousand people all decked out having travels from who knows where to get there holding their tickets and told to leave. There was a near riot of Louboutin clicking girls to the security windows in the front. I had gotten the tickets recently so I wasn't as emotionally invested but I thought it was really wrong. Some were in near tears waving their tickets and yelling into their cells. There were some people who had been there for hours and had missed work. They told us later that they didn't open the mezzanine so basically the tickets were for show. Just mean - all for a PR shots...

• An LA band called Lustra called out Miley Cyrus by name for a song that sounds way, way too much like one of their songs. But it turns out Cyrus doesn't write any of her own songs, so now the band kind of looks like a bunch of assholes. [P6]
• Natalie Portman took a jet ride with movie producer Ryan Kavanaugh and then supposedly "looked smitten." But she's still in love with hippie folksinger Devendra Banhart. [P6]
• Sarah Jessica Parker insisted she is not in a massive catfight with Sex And The City co-stars, particularly Kim Cattrall. Supposedly Cattrall refused to sit through the movie's premiere. Parker said, "I wouldn't have wanted to do it with anyone else," which doesn't really address the rumor. [Daily Star]
• Pete Doherty keeps writing songs for Amy Winehouse, who keeps calling them "shit" and "rubbish." [Mirror]
• You know how you can tell Britney Spears is, indeed, pregnant? Because she recently visited a doctor. [Showbiz Spy]
• First Jack Black revealed Angelina Jolie is pregnant, now Dustin Hoffman has leaked the due date, August 19. More cameos! [Sun]

"This is the fashion equivalent of getting a master's at Harvard. Seriously. There is no awkwardness, no discomfort. It's costume-y, but it's costume-y in the most fabulous way," says celebrity stylist Robert Verdi of Parker's headwear. "I think it would look crazier in the US than it does there [in London, where the world premier was held]."

Said the woman from Lucky: "I thought it was pretty fabulous of it to take a risk and totally appropriate because the premiere was in London."

So that would be two out of two fashion people — from New York — citing London as edgier when it comes to fashion. London has also been stealing investment banking business from Gotham for several years now, leading to something of an identity crisis on Wall Street. The weak dollar has Britons and European continentals gobbling up restaurant reservations and hogging the sidewalks all over town. The Wall Street Journal is being remade by a Brit in the image of the Financial Times of London.

This hat isn't just a hat. It's a god-damned wakeup call, people.

[Post]

EasyEVG's new line beat out the original, Many Years Late, Four Drunks Stumble Up to the Prom.

• There is no goddamned way animal-hating monster Paris Hilton actually said this to justify her alleged competitive need to conceive: "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children."
• British police kept hold of singer Amy Winehouse for nine hours of questioning after arresting her in connection with a January video in which she apparently smoked crack. She was said to have "sobbed uncontrollably once inside Limehouse" jail before being released around 1:30 am. By 4 am she was happily rummaging around at a convenience store, chatting up reporters.
• Jennifer Aniston was calling flame John Mayer "every spare moment" she got on a Miami film set. Then he flew to Miami to make out with her in a football stadium. This is the part where we all tune out for our own sanity, right? [OK!]
• For the Sex And The City movie, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon got to keep their clothes, but Kristin Davis and Kim Cattrall did not. So unjust. How do they expect Kristin Davis to make movies without clothes? [E!]
• The Barbara Walters episode of Oprah attracted more viewers than both Tom Cruise episodes of Oprah, according to television tracking firm Perez Hilton.
• Here is Matt Damon looking creepy in a moustache. [IsThisHappening]

Of course, for any longtime fan of the series—and I am one—the movie also has a significant level of terror attached to it.

She can be hilariously unguarded about saying things that, when taken out of context, might seem absurdly suggestive. For instance, when I talk abou