Conservative radio host Rusty Humphries asked Palin whether she'd "make the birth certificate an issue" if she runs for president in 2012. Oh no, she wouldn't have to "bother to make it an issue," because the valiant tea partiers of America are doing it for her—and "rightfully" so!

We've come to expect no better from Le Rogue, but for old time's sake, let's parse the levels of insanity:

• 1. Prima facie: She is encouraging birthers. This is a low even Palin has avoided stooping to until now.
• 
  
• 2. She is encouraging birthers, despite knowing that they are wrong. Listen to the way Palin stalls and diverts, starting with a protracted "Umm... I think..." She is careful to point to the public's fascination with the story, and to note that she herself couldn't care less, but supports their efforts. She sounds like an adult child placating her senile mother: Of course you get can your driver's license back, even though you crashed into a tree. Many people get their driver's licenses back, and I will certainly help you try. She knows the birthers are wrong, yet she congratulates their efforts and calls Obama's nationality "fair game." This is pandering in its barest, most transparent form, and the fact that Sarah thinks she can get away with it testifies to how stupid, directionless, and desperate she knows her followers are.
• 
  
• 3. If she were capable of higher levels of thinking—like extrapolation or synthesis or this very complicated intellectual maneuver known as if/then logic—she'd recognize that if it was a "weird conspiracy freak thing" to demand Trig's birth certificate, then it is a "weird conspiracy freak thing" to demand Obama's, too. (I can't believe I'm even typing this out. This must be the phenomenon known as "stupefying.") So either Palin is stuck at the bottom level of the below brain-use pyramid, or she and her followers are "weird conspiracy freaks."
• 
  

  4. Just because a bunch of loons went "grassy knoll" on Trig doesn't give her the right to use their frightful logic to impugn Obama. In fact, Obama stood up for Sarah and her family and told everyone to back off the birth-related gossip.

  In conclusion, I blame the entire fiasco that is Sarah Palin on the Miss Alaska pageant. If they'd just let her win all those years ago, maybe she could have used it to earn the fame and fortune she so desperately craves, and she'd never have felt compelled to go into politics, and wouldn't be terrorizing America to the tune of "Sarah, Queen of the Wild Frontier" (which Humphries opened the segment with) right now.

Save The Children's an awesome, nonreligious, independent charity doing great work worldwide, providing everything from shelter to education to medical care for kids who aren't within reach of it, for whatever reason. By no means do you have to buy the book to give a buck, but if you, it'll be well worth it.

Spider Man 2 thespian and recent Columbia MFA graduate James Franco signed it sometime before telling our photographer, Mo Pitz, to fuckoff. Mo will forgive him one day, but we're still thankful for the sign. Same with 2009's National Book Award fiction prize winner, Let The Great World Spin author Colum McCann. We also got I Was Told There Would Be Cake author Sloane Crosley, College Humor founder Ricky Van Veen, media reporter Jeff Bercovici (signing as Dave Eggers), the New York Times' Allen Salkin, cartoonists, other National Book Award nominees, and a bunch of other people who—like you—care about books.

Signature Gawker editors past and present grace the thing, too: Editor-in-Chief Gabriel Snyder, New York Magazine's Jessica Coen, The Awl's Alex Balk, founding editor Elizabeth Spiers, Page Six's Neel Shah, and and our very own weekend cleanup hitter, Foster Kamer, who braved the National Book Awards to do this, and also ambushed a Mediaite's live broadcast to plug it (fast-forward to 48:30 for the surprise). Besides which, if The Dark Lord Balthazar himself can pitch in...

....so can you. It's for a great cause, it's a literary treasure, and is the best copy of a Historically Important Book, Going Rogue, in existence. Hands down. Don't miss out: get your last bids in here.

Most of the motley crew trying not to look like they're lining up a White House run in a couple of years have one or two clear, concise moments of idiocy that they will spend months dodging, obfuscating and fudging around:

• Mitt Romney: once strapped his dog, an Irish Setter named Seamus, in a carrier, to his car's roof. The dog got so scared that it crapped all over the car. The reporter who broke the story, in this Boston Globe profile meant it as an anecdote that demonstrated Romney's crisis management — because he stopped and hosed the car down or something. In fact it added to the slightly cold, creepy atmosphere that surrounds Romney. Also, he refuses to deny he wears special Mormon underpants.
• Newt Gingrich: was having an affair at the same time he led the pursuit of Bill Clinton for having an affair. This is apparently not hypocrisy because Clinton was impeached not for having the affair but for lying about it.
• Rudy Giuliani: is probably going to stick with running for the Senate in New York. But in case he decides to step onto the more vicious national stage once more, it's worth remembering that he used public money to finance an affair, remains friends with corrupt former police chief Bernie Kerik, cross-dresses and runs a very shady business.
• Ron Paul: is a racist. Or at least it seems that way if you read quotes from a political newsletter he put out in the 90s. Here are some extracts that would make delicious additions to campaign commercials in, well, anywhere black people live.
  

  If you have ever been robbed by a black teen-aged male, you know how unbelievably fleet-footed they can be.

  Opinion polls consistently show that only about 5 percent of blacks have sensible political opinions, i.e. support the free market, individual liberty and the end of welfare and affirmative action.

  Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the `criminal justice system,' I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal.

  ...we are constantly told that it is evil to be afraid of black men, it is hardly irrational. Black men commit murders, rapes, robberies, muggings and burglaries all out of proportion to their numbers.

• Bobby Jindal: his appearance in this video is bad enough. He looks like some combination of Kenneth the Page and Pinocchio. But in it he claims to have stood shoulder-to-shoulder with a New Orleans lawman during Hurricane Katrina to cut through red tape and rescue people. Except he didn't. He overheard a conversation after it all happened.

  Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

• That leaves Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty — who is ironically seen as boring precisely because he is so scandal-averse. We're choosing to ignore South Carolina Governor and hiking enthusiast Mark Sanford because it beggars belief that he would even consider running for President after running away to schtup an Argentinian lady and lying to everyone about it. If you're wondering why Sarah Palin is not on this list — it's because she's bulletproof. She has been repeatedly caught lying, cheating and stealing. She's been repeatedly revealed as a moron in clever-person's glasses. Any other politician would have been sunk by any one of these scandals. But Sarah Barracuda has built a brand based on narcissistic ineptitude and a perpetual victim status. Perhaps the other candidates should try it.

Geoffrey Dunn at the Huffington Post points out that the epigram to chapter three, "Drill, Baby Drill" attributes the following quote to coach Wooden:

Our land is everything to us... I will tell you one of the things we remember on our land. We remember our grandfathers paid for it—with their lives.

The only problem is that the quote was not by Wooden, it was by Wooden Legs. It appeared in an essay called Back on the War Ponies, part of a left-wing anthology. Here's the extract:

Our land is everything to us. It is the only place in the world where Cheyennes talk the Cheyenne language to each other. It is the only place where Cheyennes remember the same things together. I will tell you one of the things we remember on our land. We remember our grandfathers paid for it—with their life. My people and the Sioux defeated General Custer at the Little Big Horn.

Which makes it more like Kill Baby, Kill. Dunn thinks the only way the error could have been made is if Palin or her ghostwriter had grabbed it from quotefarm.com, where it is mis-attributed in the same way. This casts doubt on whether quotes from Plato and Aristotle in Going Rogue are from Palin's own close reading of the texts.

And, even better, she is forcing her staff to make the hellish trek on the bus, as she flies in comfort.

Palingates broke the terribly surprising news: Palin has been emerging from the bus at tour stops, and giving interviews from the bus, and pretending to post to Facebook from the bus, but that is all a lie, because she physically cannot stop lying, ever.

As McGinniss writes in the Daily Beast:

The bottom line is that the plane's goings and comings track Palin's tour perfectly: from Grand Rapids to Washington, Pa. and then to Rochester, N.Y., Roanoke, Va., Fayetteville, N.C., Birmingham, Ala., and Jacksonville and Orlando.

On November 25, the plane carried Palin, her parents, her two youngest children and her Aunt Katie to Pasco, Washington, for Thanksgiving. And there it sat, at Tri-Cities Airport in Pasco, for four full days, which is a lot of inactivity for a plane that rents for more than $4,000 an hour. But it was Thanksgiving weekend and the Pasco-Richland area was where Palin wanted to be.

This is another wonderful example of Sarah Palin creating her own fucking mess for herself through her incredible contempt for her followers, her own stupidity, and her staff's astounding ineptitude. Because using a plane to conduct a book tour is a standard practice. But pretending that you are taking a bus and driving all night—because you want to appear salt-of-the-earth—while you are actually flying and staying in hotels is insane. Sarah Palin is just baiting Andrew Sullivan, now.

[Pic: AP]

Update: Harper Collins is taking the fall! And also denying that the whole bus thing is a fraud! They confirmed to Greg Sargent that Sarah Palin has taken a plane, but her publisher booked and paid for the flights. Also they say she only took the plane three times, even though the plane has been following their itinerary this whole time. (Palingates finds this hard to believe!)

"The plane stops were minimal" and were only done for "logistical reasons," Andreadis argued. "The majority of it was done by bus, but there were some stops we couldn't do by bus."

Andreadis allowed that the trip had been billed as a bus tour, but insisted: "We never hid the fact that there would be some planes."

It is a good thing that Sarah Palin is probably going to make Harper Collins a lot of money, because doing her damage control is a lot of thankless work.

As you can imagine it most resembled a panel discussion at the Council on Foreign Relations. There was sophisticated analysis, witty repartee and displays of incisive intelligence. Issues such as domestic oil production, the environment and macro-economics were dissected with the kind of verve and... oh fuck it, too much sarcasm. Just watch:

Bidding for the book is already at $710. Seriously.

All money from the auction is going directly to Save The Children, who've done great work in all areas providing everything from shelter to education to medical care for kids who aren't within reach of it, for whatever reason. Despite being a nonreligious, independent charity, even Barbie put on a Burkha for them recently, they're so goddamn great. Their work on domestic children's literacy programs is excellent stuff, and by no means do you have to buy the book to give a buck. Someone already did this.

We owe a big, big shoutout to commenter Matty McBoy (aka, Mr. Matt Carlton). Matt tried to win the book in one fell swoop, and his accountant freaked the fuck out and tried to strangle him. So he donated $250 to Save The Children anyway.

Dear Matt (and Matt's Accountant):

On behalf of everyone here, and the American economy: You're a mensch. Thank you. May we all have accountants so anal.

And the rest of us can be thankful our reading abilities enable us to read this website! Starting to see the subtext behind all of this? This auction will raise money to help children read...Gawker Media properties! And click on them a bajillion times and give my bosses more money. That's the idea here, you know? Really, how else do you think I got away with this?

#KIDDING. Thankfully, Save The Children doesn't have a literacy program encouraging children to end their reading capabilities at hashtags or dick jokes about Glenn Beck or color commentary on Lady Gaga's Hidden Appendages. It's why we picked them. Hopefully, children will read books. Any of 'em, lots of 'em, thousands at a time. And if they don't start with Colum McCann's, it's okay.

And speaking of which, some parting Thanksgiving wisdom from National Book Award winner (and Sarah Palin SlamBook Signee), Let The Great World Spin author Colum McCann:

Have a great holiday, catch you all on Saturday. Don't forget to bid.

The Palin-Beck drama began when the former governor of Alaska told Newsmax she considers Beck "a hoot" and would be open to running with him. She repeated the coy "we'll see..." wink-nudge invite on Fox and Friends, prompting the king of televised weeping to dismiss Palin as frivolous, strident, and exceedingly female. First he asks her to stop using the word "hoot":

BECK: I don't think things are hoots. I don't. I don't think it's a hoot. I would never use the word hoot, and I respectfully ask that every time my name is brought up she would stop using the word "hoot."

And then he puts her in her place, the kitchen. He adds a note of self-irony about "evil conservative stereotypes," but does that actually redeem it?

BECK: I'm just saying, Beck-Palin, I'll consider. But Palin-Beck—can you imagine, can you imagine what an administration with the two of us would be like? What? Come on! She'd be yapping or something, and I'd say, "I'm sorry, why am I hearing your voice? I'm not in the kitchen." I mean, you'd have to live up to the evil conservative stereotypes, you'd have no choice, you'd have to. Look, I talked to the woman about it, I don't even know what she was saying.

Listen here:

Palin has a hair-trigger reaction to sexist slights—see Newsweek Cover Melodrama, The—so I would predict a wingnut feud, but in this case, Lady Alaska's martyr complex is going to conflict with her effusive love of right-wing media. Also, Beck's producers will likely pressure him to make nice. She's way too valuable to them.

Then again, if this most schadenfreude-rich year has taught us anything, it's that the only predictable thing about the Thrilla from Wasilla is her ability to hold grudges, so I'm going to call a 50-50 split on whether she flies into attack mode or sits back, arches an eyebrow, and quietly snubs him, instead. Hooray, now we have something to look forward to for after the holiday!

Beck's Sexist Reason For Ruling Out Palin-Beck Ticket: She'd Always Be ‘Yapping' Like We're ‘In The Kitchen' [Think Progress]

Correction: An early version of this post said Beck's Palin-slamming broadcast occurred today, but in fact it was yesterday.

[BID ON THE BOOK HERE. SERIOUSLY. IT'S FOR CHARITY.]

Realize: this is the best copy of this book in existence. Period. Bar none. And at a ceremony when the books and authors being honored have the sales of their books disproportionately inverted by their quality, it only seemed appropriate to get everybody in on The Big Joke of the evening: that more people would read Sarah Palin's Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Bullshit than any of the nominees' and winners' books, combined.

We offered the book up to some of our favorite literature and media luminaries that were in the house that evening. Dave Eggers—that asshole!—was very nice about refusing to sign our book, probably because it wasn't for his 826 charity. But he was kind. How's that for an endorsement?

Not good enough? What about super awesome sleepy Columbia MFA graduate and Freaks and Geeks actor James Franco signing our book?

Yes, this man signed our book. Okay, Jim. Maybe you made our photographer cry. But you did this one for the children. You're okay, today. Also, the nerds at Slate think you're The Sexiest Man With A Pulse, for what it's worth (read: the most ostentatious pillow talk ever). Congrats. But what if an awesome hunky dreamy movie star with an MFA from Columbia isn't enough reason to spend lots of money on a book people drew on?

Maybe 2009 National Book Award winner Colum McCann signing this bad boy is! YES THAT IS COLUM MCCANN SIGNING THE PALIN BOOK. This took a lot—a lot—of convincing. Charity, huh? But it's Sarah Palin's book! Sarah Palin! I can't put my name on anything of hers! Are you sure this is for charity? What charity?!

Funny you should ask, Mr. McCann. I've picked a charity so great, you can't even say their name out loud without feeling awful for never having done something for them until now: Save The Children. Yeah, you're gonna stiff these guys?

They've done great work bringing literacy programs to kids in need across the country, among other great things they've done for kids that otherwise don't get things done for them that should be. If I were running these programs, I would have them all reading Gawker Weekends and Calvin and Hobbes, because that's what I grew up on, but I'm not, and these people are, and we're all better off. You don't have to buy the book to give a buck. Oh, and if you complain about the charity I picked, I'll come to your house and personally beat you with an unsigned copy of Ms. Palin's 2010 NBA Fiction Winner. But yes, people actually signed this thing.

You want proof?

2009 NBA Fiction Prize winner Collum McCann (fourth page, center) really, actually did take this much convincing. He wrote: "'For we must love this poor earth, for we have not seen another...' Go Obama!" Awesome.

Ricky Van Veen and Neel Shah marvel at how incredibly awesome this book is, while Jessica Coen is laughing to herself imagining Sarah Palin read her fabulous, fierce nugget of wisdom.

Here's the guy who I thought was Toph Eggers, right. I got everyone's name wrong that night. At one point I think I remember identifying Keith Waldrop as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Jeff Bercovici signed the book as Dave Eggers, since Dave Eggers doesn't care about Saving The Children so much as making them read George Saunders or whatever.

Here're the first two pages:

And here're the second two:

And here's the full list of who we know we got:

2009 NBA Fiction Winner, Let The Great World Spin author Colum McCann.

Spider Man 2 actor and recent Columbia MFA graduate James Franco wrote (third page, top-right): "FUCK YEAH!" with a strange vampire-smiley face.

2008 NBA Fiction Finalist Salvatore Scibona (second page, middle-right) gave her "hugs."

2008 NBA Fiction Finalist Rachel Kushner (second page, bottom-left) offers her insight on context clues regarding snowmobiles.

I Was Told There Would Be Cake author by night and Random House book publicist by day Sloane Crosley offered her encouragement "storming the castle." True story: Sloane had no idea what she was signing.

The Seymore Hersh of the Sunday Styles, New York Times writer Allen Salkin took up the entire bottom-third of the fourth page ensuring that I wasn't conning him. He also drew a fairly accurate drawing of himself.

Dave Eggers! As performed/signed by former Portfolio and current Daily Finance media columnist Jeff Bercovici (fourth page, top-right).

Columnist Katie Bakes tried to start a #hashtag, while the New York Observer's publishing beat gangsta Leon Neyfakh wrote...something.

Vice and New York Press writer Jamie Peck (second-page, bottom-right, I think) talked to her about wolves. Someone who isn't Vice writer Jamie Peck, apparently, talked to her about wolves. Claim your identity here!

College Humor founder Ricky Van Veen gave Sarah a big CHILL, BABY, CHILL while Former Radar, Gawker, and Page Six writer Neel Shah got tactful.

The Awl writer Alex Balk.

Flavorwire's Kelsey Keith had more sage advice for Palin's future career aspirations.

Cartoonist Laurie Sandell drew a woman holding a smoking gun on the third page. Get it?

Gawker Past and Present: Media Overlord Nick Denton and current Gawker Editor-in-Chief Gabriel Snyder both thanked her for pageviews—heh—while founding Gawker editor Elizabeth Spiers wished her luck, and Gawker J²-era/New York Magazine editor Jessica Coen gave her hair tips.

Oh, and me, lending to this the extent of my own profound, political insight.

We also got Gawker's Altarcations writer Phyllis Nefler. and some guy who looks like Dave Eggers brother, who turned out not to be Dave Eggers' brother after I thought he was Dave Eggers' brother. His name is Alec Friedman.

[Alas, because we were drunk, there may be signatures in here we missed. Seriously! If you see your John Hancock—heh: cock—please email me with it. It's for charity. You don't want children growing up to one day actually think that was funny, do you? Right. Neither do I.]

The book's sanctity has been preserved by only having been signed on the night of the 2009 National Book Awards, by attendees of the ceremony. That said, if you win it and want to have anybody else in the Gawker Media offices sign it, sure, fuckit, I'll get them to sign. Hell, we know people who are experts on books that are imaginary that are supposed to be real, and I bet we could get them to sign if that's what you wanted. Or I could eat the book, or I could drop-kick it, or I could detonate it with whatever fireworks you send us, or I could read it, but who's that awful? Not you, potential charity-giver. Anyway. You could do any of those things, or none of them, and just keep it as one of the most awesome literary collectibles ever. You know? You know.

Because one day, you can show this to your children's children, and tell them: I bought this so you could see how happy the people were before it was like this. Now that James Franco is the new Daniel Mendelsohn, and every book published is full of shit, and they all come from blogs, and they're the only things that sell, and they are read on calculators, there was this. There was this night. There were these drunk people signing Frau Palin's book.

And then you can blame it on this guy:

But seriously, it's for charity. Buy the goddamn book. Now. Please. Our auction is here.

[Photographs via Gawker Party Crash photog Mo Pitz.]

We know Sarah Palin isn't the biggest fan of Vogue, but we think she'd do really well guest-editing her own issue. So we've worked up a sample cover in the style of our Cover Lies feature (in which we expose how little relationship ladymags, like Sarah Palin, have to reality). While the real Vogue bows to the recession with its $300 "Steal" of the Month, Palin could show us how to get a $150,000 wardrobe for free — and how to pick a $700/night hotel, complete with robe and slippers. In lieu of book reviews, she could offer up a bunch of snide remarks about Katie Couric — "the perky one" probably can't read anyway. And for balance, Palin could add some media elite contributors, like Trig-birther Andrew Sullivan and Rebecca Johnson. (Johnson works for the fake America but the real Vogue, and says all Palin wanted to talk about in her much-maligned interview was "drilling for oil" — but what else is there, anyway?) In fact, right after a Jeffrey Steingarten piece on moose-meat, Going Vogue should include a free sample of premium Alaska crude. We hear it gets rid of both wrinkles and endangered wildlife.

Fact Check: Palin's Book Goes Rogue On Some Facts [AP, via Yahoo News]
Palin's Katie Couric Myths [Daily Beast]
Palin's Ego Trip [Daily Beast]

First Fox got caught lying about the crowd at Michele Bachmann's healthcare protest, then it got caught lying about the size of the crowd at Sarah Palin's book-signing. But the straw that broke the camel's back came last week when producers showed a screenshot of a horrible cruel attack on Sarah Palin called Going Rouge when they should have showed a screenshot of a brilliant sacred book by Sarah Palin called Going Rogue.

So now they've decided to start caring about "quality" to avoid embarrassing Palin again in the future, and sent out a staff memo, obtained by FishbowlDC, threatening everyone who screws up again with "termination." To that end, and to make things easier since facts are hard, Fox will "zero base" production, eliminating everything that has a potential for being wrong from each broadcast. It will be exceedingly boring to watch, but at least Roger Ailes will never have to "explain, retract, qualify or apologize again." Because the whole "never apologize, never back down, always attack" routine only works if you don't constantly get caught lying.

Subject: Quality Control We had a mistake on Newsroom today when a wrong book cover went on screen during a guest segment, the kind of thing that can fall through the cracks on any day with any story given the large amount of elements and editorial we run through our broadcasts. Unfortunately, it is the latest in a series of mistakes on FNC in recent months. We have to all improve our performance in terms of ensuring error-free broadcasts. To that end, there was a meeting this afternoon between senior managers and the folks who run the daytime shows in which expectations were reviewed, and the following results were announced: Effective immediately, there is zero tolerance for on-screen errors. Mistakes by any member of the show team that end up on air may result in immediate disciplinary action against those who played significant roles in the "mistake chain," and those who supervise them. That may include warning letters to personnel files, suspensions, and other possible actions up to and including termination, and this will all obviously play a role in performance reviews. So we now face a great opportunity to review and improve on our workflow and quality control efforts. To make the most of that opportunity, effective immediately, Newsroom is going to "zero base" our newscast production. That means we will start by going to air with only the most essential, basic, and manageable elements. To share a key quote from today's meeting: "It is more important to get it right, than it is to get it on." We may then build up again slowly as deadlines and workloads allow so that we can be sure we can quality check everything before it makes air, and we never having to explain, retract, qualify or apologize again. Please know that jobs are on the line here. I can not stress that enough. I will review again during our Monday editorial meeting, and in the days and weeks ahead. This experience should make us stronger editorially, and I encourage everyone to invest themselves one hundred and ten percent in this effort.

Fred Thompson had Dobbs on his radio show today, and asked him if he'd given thought to a presidential run. Dobbs said "yes," adding that he's engaging the services of all sorts of experts to give him the best advice.

Which means that the 2012 primaries—even if Dobbs runs as an independent, his campaign will be perceived as an adjunct of the festival of white rage that will determine the GOP's standard-bearer—will, god willing, be nothing short of a phantasmagorical Hunter Thompson-esque fever-dream populated by snake-handlers, idiots, Mormons, and fat, chain-smoking television hacks. Between Dobbs, Sarah Palin, and whatever Glenn Beck's 100-year-war "plan" has in store for us, the wingnut beat will be a life-changing event for those reporters lucky enough to chronicle it in 2012. The New York Times' David Kirkpatrick famously pioneered the paper's "conservative beat" in 2004, but it was largely a survey of the intellectual undercurrents of neoconservatism and seems to have been abandoned. Whoever picks up the mantle from him in two years will be richly rewarded. It's never too early to start strategizing.

What is even going on, when "liberal columnist" Maureen Dowd writes a column about how Obama should govern the country the way Sarah Palin promotes books, and token conservative Ross "still at least definitely not Bill Kristol" Douthat patiently explains that Huckabee and Palin are both ridiculous jokes.

Well, what is going on is that Ross "cares" about the "credibility" of the Republican party, and also he knows, as a grown man who reads books and remembers history, that these clowns will not be president of anything, ever.

Whereas Maureen is, as always, internalizing and repeating the dumbest talking points of the Cheney wing of the Republican party (a world where "bowing" is a scandal and "dithering" is a resonant critique) (and also "mom jeans," because, you know, it's not a Maureen Dowd column without a crack about how a Democrat is embarrassingly feminine). Obviously Obama should just act more like a petulant, polarizing moron, screeching for attention and repeatedly castigating the various people who have wronged him, because that would definitely take care of this Afghanistan mess.

Here are the sort of people he could then welcome into his governing coalition, once he "goes rogue."

The two books have almost identical covers, and are a mere typo away from each other. According to Page Six media outlets are even contacting the people behind Going Rouge for interviews with the real Palin. This is clearly upsetting HarperCollins, the publishers of Palin's actual 'thoughts'. Colin Robinson, co-publisher of the parody which is edited by Betsy Reed and Richard Kim of The Nation magazine, told the Post that:

We've noticed that someone, presumably HarperCollins, has been buying ads on Google redirecting people looking for 'Going Rouge' to 'Going Rogue,' which seems very unsporting of them.

If you'd paid $5m for some 'I can see it from my house'-type analysis from Palin you'd probably want your money back too.

Not exaggerating. Martha Stewart got asked by CNN why Sarah Palin's polarizing. Martha calls her "boring," "confused," "a dangerous person," and a "real problem." The best is when Martha throws down on a patronizing "good for her" when told about her book sales and then, after, "I wouldn't watch her if you pay me." SHOTS FIRED!

And then there's this wonderful clip. Palin dipped out of a signing early, and got booed by her fans, who were pissed that they didn't get their books signed. It goes without saying that Palin's fans sound just as patently insane hating her as they do loving her, but hey, you can't put lipstick on an neglectful idol, or whatever. Or you can, but, she's still gonna stiff you for a book signature.

This sounds like the worst book tour ever.

...As opposed to former New York Times $25 and Under food writer Peter Meehan and Momofuku Cookbook chef David Chang's book tour. Which goes something like this:

WHY was somebody calling me? Didn't they know I was still DRUNK from the night before? It was 5:00 a.m. Tosi explained to me what was going on. I had to get to Ssam Bar to pick up her and Gabe, a cook who'd be coming down to help us, and head to LGA. I was fucked up. Tosi wanted to kill me. I was literally falling over in a drunken stupor like Dudley Moore in Arthur. My life had two-day hangover written all over it. Arrive at airport at 5:50 for a 6:30 am flight and magically got on. For some reason, the flight got delayed for four hours... but it was all news to me: I pilled myself out, so I came to on the runway in Memphis.

See, Sarah Palin! If you're gonna do the book tour of a dangerous person who doesn't give a shit about pissing people off, there's a right way, and a wrong way. As far as signing books goes, if you ever need help, don't be afraid to ask. We might know a thing or two about it to help you on your way.

[Photo by Shealah Craighead, via the Going Rogue Facebook Group.]