Tonight's SNL: Dave Matthews Band and Joseph Gordon-Levitt? Uh, what movie is JG-L promoting, and didn't DMB's new album come out a while back? And I'm pretty sure this isn't a re-run, so....

Okay, seriously? This feels wrong. And not just in my ear.

Joseph Gordon-Leavitt's pretty great. He is! And if you're drunk enough and with people who will not shame you for knowing the words to "Ants Marching," so is the Dave Matthews Band. And really, how much more could they screw the pooch on this show after last week? I almost kind of want it to be terrible just so I have an excuse to rip out the juicy SEO-happy headline SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: LORNE MICHAELS IS JUST FUCKING WITH US, NOW. But I kind of don't because I'm one of those people who shamelessly believes in this show to one day be good again. Hey, at least I'm not a Cubs fan. Also, Seth Meyers has a nice Sunday routine. Hopefully you all do, too, and it involves coming here and clicking on everything a million times.

OH. Before I forget. You should all vote for my New Yorker cartoon so I can win and take a tour of their offices in my Weekend at Bernies costume. No, seriously: this is art, and we can do this together, people.

Tomorrow! Altarcations at 2:30. SNL Digest. Kids who have to take Prep Tests in Kindergarten. And a very, very, very special treat. Until then, a nice song to take us out. By someone who isn't a (possible) date rapist. Thankfully, just a drunk, like the rest of us.

The short answer is probably not, but she sure will try. We speculated that her busty cover of GQ and her SNL gig were a play for career-after-Mad Men because creator Matthew Weiner wasn't bringing her back. (And given the show's relatively low salary, she'd wouldn't mind moving on.) She had an uphill struggle because many people (including plenty of our regular commenters and even her ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher) believe that because she plays an icy, passive character on the show that she can't act. While her cleavage did wonders for her public image, she did herself no favors with her lame stab at sketch comedy over the weekend.

Now that everyone thinks she can't act, her chances at movie star fame ruined, and Betty Draper's proximity to the central plot on the wane (if her character isn't cut entirely), what is Ms. Jones to do? Here are her options:

Indie Film: If she gets a plum role in an Oscar-bait indie and knocks the role out of the park, she could redeem herself and establish some much-needed street cred. Just look at what Precious is doing for Mo'Nique (of all people) right now.

Procedural: They must be casting for NCIS: Twin Cities or some shit like that. Actors in these jobs just need to be able to look good and deliver their lines, which we know that she can do. It's not going to win her any awards, but it will be a steady acting job and a big fat paycheck for years to come.

Girlfriend Roles: Join the Judd Apatow crew or play the remarkably attractive love interest for some schlub like Adam Sandler. If the movie hits big no one will confuse you with a Stella Adler devotee, but you'll be able to get some more jobs out of it.

Obscurity: She doesn't have to be an actress. Maybe she would be better suited as a lunch lady who mumbles to herself, "I used to be someone!" We always did see her in hair nets.

Sex Tape: This will get her tons of attention, but in terms of work, the best she can hope for is a reality project (see Hilton, Paris and Kardashian, Kim). Still it would be lots of fun to watch!

[Image via Getty]

Nice groundwork by whoever got these from the McCain campaign at the Huffington Post, where Sam Stein reports today on a few contradictions the emails make with portions of the book.

Granted, they have to do with Palin's Saturday Night Live appearance, a prank on Palin by a bunch of morning radio goons, and the precise level McCain's campaign manager had to be an asshole to Palin's staffers, but still: if she's lied about these things, what else?

The first email is about Sarah's trepidation regarding going on SNL. McCain's campaign was all for it. Sarah wasn't. She thought SNL was "whack." And she wasn't about to go on the show to yuk it up with those people.

"Not after seeing clips of what they've been playing re: my family," Palin writes to campaign manager Steve Schmidt..."I had no idea how gross 'celebrities' on that show and in other celebrity venues could get when it comes to family and other aspects of my life that have nothing to do with seeking the vp slot. These folks are whack - didn't know it was as bad as it is... what's the upside in giving them any celebrity venue a ratings boost? That's Todd's input also.."

Good thing she didn't see last night's episode.

Of course, Steve Schmidt basically told her "do it if you want, or don't." So, she doesn't want to go on SNL, McCain's manager basically says fine, fuckit, then don't. What does she run in the book?

The Sarah Palin Reality To Book Copy Alchemizer, everyone:

"Let's do this," I said. "Let's go on and neutralize some of this, and have some fun!" Of course, the idea was met with massive back-and-forth haggling.

Boom. Met with haggling by who? Herself? Next, the Canadian DJ prank, in which two morning DJs got Palin on the phone pretending to be French President Nicolas Sarkozy. It was funny and awesome. And exposed a huge rift in the campaign.

[T]he McCain staffer also provided the email that Schmidt sent to Palin and her staff after she was prank[ed]..."Who set this up? Are you kidding me? Did it occur to anyone that the french president wouldn't be looking to have a conversation with the vicepresidential candidate 3 days before the election," Schmidt writes. "From this moment forward, no interview occurs without my direct signoff. Nothing. I want to know the exact details of this. I want to know who is responsible."

Right? Because if you were a campaign manager, you'd be pretty fucking pissed, too. But Schmidt appears to handle it moderately well. Palin's version of the story's slightly different, though.

In Going Rogue, Palin recalls Schmidt screaming directly at her, so much so that it "blew my hair back."

Also, she noted that Schmidt called her. The aides are calling that bullshit, saying no call happened, that Schmidt's supposed wrath of fury was aimed at staff and not Palin, and that this was all done over email.

The best, though, is this: an email from Sarah Palin that appears to be her, apologizing for completely screwing the pooch on media appearances, and thanking the staff for their hard work in the face of her Rainman-like ability to completely Hindenburg every high-profile press opportunity given to her. So there is some self-awareness there! Damn.

"I am very sorry," Palin writes to Nicolle Wallace, Steve Schmidt, and Rick Davis, with her husband, Todd, cc:ed. "u guys are working double-triple time on this blundered-up stuff that they spin bc of my visits w press - while I apologize I say I love you guys!!!"

Naturally, the book reportedly has Palin painting the McCain campaign as overly controlling and temperamental. Maybe they were temperamental: I'd be fuckingmental if I had to work with Palin. Even so, though, her characterizations are appearing to be alternate realities, or—here's a good one I can't take credit for—"magical realism."

What else is happening with Going Rogue today? Michiko Kakutani savaged it the Times today, penning less a review than an curbside beating. Newly inducted N.W.A. member and Atlantic columnist Andrew Sullivan, now fully aware that Sarah's an avid Daily Dish reader, has basically turned his blog into the Suck It Sarah Palin Daily Digest. In one post, he organizes all of her lies. In another, he frisks the above HuffPo story, giving it his own nice twist:

Palin is a delusional fantasist, existing in a world of her own imagination, asserting fact after fact that are demonstrably untrue, and unable to adjust to the actual reality after it has been demonstrated beyond any empirical doubt....She is a deeply disturbed individual.

The doc-tah is in.

The release of Going Rogue is like that moment in dodgeball when there's only one kid left on the other side of the court, and the last ball has rolled away from them, and everyone's just standing around, waiting to see who's going to pick up the ball and really go for the killshot.

$50 on this guy.

[Photo via Getty Images]

Now, here's how we talk about SNL when we talk about SNL. These be the rules:

Standardized Responses for SNL Threads.
1. SNL is still on?
2. I might have to watch this SNL sometime.
3. SNL hasn't been funny since _____ (insert name) was president.
4. The Tina Fey era was the (Choose one:) Best/ Worst.
5. (Canadians/Brits/Aussies:) You Americans can't say Fuck on the telly?
6. (Me, other Oldes:) Jane Curtin/ Dan Aykroyd - now there was a Weekend Update.
7. And I remember when Charles Rocket said Fuck. I got on my Commodore computer and typed a letter about it.

Normally this comes with the advisory of "don't be that guy." But last night's episode was so bad—so terribly awkward and painfully unfunny—I can't exactly blame anyone who contravenes house style, here. Should I even bother embedding some of the skits? It's not like we should condone this kind of awfulness. It's bad for the economy, for fucks sake. I considering doing this for a while, because it's patently lazy and relieves me of having to do any real work. On the other hand, this is about as authentic an assement of last night's episode of Saturday Night Live as you could probably get.

From last night's comment thread, live. And these are the Weekend Commenteratti being kind. It's like a linguistic Faces of Death, Comedy Edition. These are authentic reactions of complete, absolute, real horror:

• "You know, I started watching this with an open mind, determined not to be one of those "SNL sucks" snobs, but...This "Grace Kelly farting" thing is the worst piece of sketch comedy I've ever seen in my life. And I don't think that's an exaggeration. It's heinous." - MisterHippity. Also, this.
  
  
• "It was fucking PAINFUL." - mattchew03.
  
  
• "Dear God, please make it stop. This Rear Window skit is absolutely awful. I wondered if SNL was going to waste January Jones. Guess I got my answer." - OrneryBabe
  
  
• "Normally I defend SNL to the death, but good lord, this episode is painful to watch. I haven't been this embarrassed to be a fan of the show since Paris Hilton hosted. And January Jones's sucky cue-card reading isn't helping." - VioletViolet
  
  
• "I thought nothing could be worse than a Grace Kelly farting sketch, but I was wrong." - sweet_communist
  
  
• "This is the worst fucking episode ever, I think we may be watching history, bad, bad history." - TheProfessor69

Starting to get the idea?

Oh, and if it wasn't bad enough, from a deeply traumatized commenter, DahlELama:

OK, if you're watching SNL, you just saw Julia Allison. You can't pretend you didn't. I will not be the only one who's seen her onscreen. I can't be.

Yeah. They ran a Julia Allison commercial for Sony during SNL. Last night's SNL. And the Black Eyed Peas were the musical guest. Poor Fergie. First, Josh Duhamel does it with a stripper, and then she gets screwed by SNL by being on this episode. I'm going to take this moment to apologize to anyone who I might've suggested watch last night. I feel guilty. For the sake of history, let's learn from how bad this one was. The "good" skits don't even deserve to be talked about.

Here's your "Grace Kelly Farting" Rear Window skit. Reminder: jokes about Jimmy Stewart haven't been funny since Tom Hanks started acting. And jokes about farting haven't been funny since I was fourteen. Watch how January Jones breaks character at 4:55 and laughs. Probably because she thinks this is funny. Which is maybe why they went with it.

Here's a Digital Short where Fred Armisen keeps walking in on Andy Samberg taking a shit. I'm serious.

Like, honestly, no, fuck that, we're done here. See you next week, I think Dave Matthews Band is going to be on. Let's all get drunk and hope they play "Ants Marching," which, of course, they won't do. Lorne Michaels, you are mean. Especially considering the irony of this being the episode's musical centerpiece. I have no idea about the video's watermark, but it's somehow appropriate:

Dear god.

First off, let's talk rules. From a commenter, on our last SNL Digest:

Standardized Responses for SNL Threads.
1. SNL is still on?
2. I might have to watch this SNL sometime.
3. SNL hasn't been funny since _____ (insert name) was president.
4. The Tina Fey era was the (Choose one:) Best/ Worst.
5. (Canadians/Brits/Aussies:) You Americans can't say Fuck on the telly?
6. (Me, other Oldes:) Jane Curtin/ Dan Aykroyd - now there was a Weekend Update.
7. And I remember when Charles Rocket said Fuck. I got on my Commodore computer and typed a letter about it.

Don't be that guy. Onward:

Taylor Swift's opening monologue: self-depreciating about writing superficial songs ("songs about douchebags who cheat on me, LA LA LA LA LA"), talking shit on Joe Jonas, Kanye West, and more or less totally came out publicly about dating Twilight star Taylor Lautner, and inspiring an audience singalong. She was crazy-charismatic and pulled it off with a fair amount of flair. This was, for what it's worth, how every one of them should be done.

The cold open was a take on Fox News, with Greta Van Susteren, Shep Smith—played by Bill Hader, somewhat homoerotically—Karl Rove, Joe Trippi, etc, but it was mostly a play on the personalities that weren't anything special (besides Hader's Shep Smith). Jason Sudekis tried to do Glenn Beck, but to properly make fun of Glenn Beck via Sketch Comedy, you're going to have to get racier than this:

Weaksauce. But back to Taylor:

She also did plenty of riffs on how young she is, including this perfectly timed short commercial with her wearing headgear braces, which is the kind of visual indignation most SNL potential diva guest hosts won't run with:

One of her three big celebrity impersonations, Kate Gosselin was a little stilted, even with the "Kate Gosselin, emphatically talking" running joke, but was, for the most part, funny. As is watching Keenan Thompson dressed up as Whoopi Goldberg, which is absurd visual humor, and yeah, an easy sight gag, but one with a decent payoff. Any sketch that involves a panel of people often runs too long, though, and this one was no exception. The last minute drags on a little.

There was a bizarre, boring sketch involving BBQ and Swine Flu jokes that's not really worth watching. The night's big viral moment's going to go to the Digital Short, which is a play on Twilight, with Frankensteins. Especially priceless was the dead-eyed look Bill Hader plays the Robert Pattenson-character (Frankenstein) with, and the flaky melodrama of Kristen Stewart that Taylor Swift kinda nailed.

As she did with her Shakira impersonation, which isn't on Hulu. Fast-forward to 1:25, you'll get the gist. It was an otherwise patently dumb sketch about a movie involving bunnies, with a soundtrack.

Except this skit, which involved lots of screaming, about two officers teaching juvie inmates lessons via dated pop culture references. Six minutes, for this? Someone in the writers' room is letting their assistant do more than carry the coffee. Come on:

Less screaming! Kenan, the crazy-eyes are funny, but every time SNL puts on a screechy sketch, most people walk away. You don't need to violate our hearing capabilities to do big humor. What happened to shock value? The key to this episode was playing The Taylor Swift Angle at every possible moment-who she is, what she is, why she's different-which is why it was kinda surprising to see Kanye West not cameo on a skit with her. Then again, they nailed it with this, which is how some hyperactive post-college roommates kind of actually talk. I know these girls, you know?

Terrifying, funny, nuanced. Weekend Update was fairly boring other than a drop-in from Amy Poehler on Goldman Sachs getting Swine Flu vaccines from the CDC. Two minutes and sixteen seconds of complete Goldman Sachs raging. Just long enough, just enough indignation, and completely to the point:

The only other skit worth mentioning was the Entertainment Tonight spoof. Celebrity news broadcast journalists really are this insane.

Big complaint: Andy Samberg was incredibly underused this week—why?—but other than that, not bad at all! If the show used all their guest hosts like this, if they were all as good, we'd watch more. The writing still desperately needs work, and Saturday Night Life needs to forget being more family friendly. So far, Jenny Slate saying "fuck" is still as edgy as this season's been, and this is a show with a legacy most of us would rather not see be any more sullied.

Either way, suck it, Joe Jonas. Taylor Swift did a better job than anyone in recent memory, and definitely, this season; SNL, learn quickly, your performer-host double-threats like Swift (and Justin Timberlake) seem to be natural fits lately. And they have catchy songs, too! Take it out, Taylor Swift.

What'd we think?

The interesting thing about this is that Saturday Night Live by no means has to edit the episode to contain the rehearsal footage skit; they could've just run the same episode and be fine. You have to wonder where along the chain of command someone said "run the funnier version." But why couldn't they have just performed it the first time?

Eh. SNL disappointment shouldn't come as a surprise to many, but the fact that they hold back on the good stuff is just depressing. Then again, it's nice to know they're making an effort to put it out there. Here's hoping they can add some pizazz to a fairly blase November schedule.

Sometimes, Saturday's Like This One happen, and since it rained all day and all night last night and cats were screaming at me for the last twelve hours, I'm not entirely sure what, exactly, the hell happened, suffice to say that the results (a very, very long lull in posting) were both unexpected and as mildly unpleasant for me as they were for you. I can assure you that we'll do our best to make sure it doesn't happen again, as our Weekend Labs physicians figure out exactly which chemical imbalance rendered me unconscious for four hours this afternoon. Also, I might have the Swine Flu, but if that actually happens, let me assure you that I will not be abandoning my post. The Great Swine Flu Weekend Blogging Experiment will be a contribution the likes of science haven't seen since that guy who fucked the monkey that gave everyone AIDS came out, except this time, I'm going to infect you all with partially braindead ruminations on the Sunday Styles naming the South Bronx the new Berkshires and the new holiday Sunday Styles writers have invented for you to celebrate there and only there.

Anyway! Enjoy Saturday Night Live tonight, maybe we'll bring back SNL Digest tomorrow, who knows. We'll definitely be talking about Hugh Hefner's shriveled penis and revisiting the topic of Old People Doing It as well. Tomorrow's Altarcations will be an epic blast, because Phyllis Nefler is the best bloggette ev-ah, and oh yeah: did you get invited to Jared and Ivanka's wedding? If you or someone you know did, you should tell them to send us pictures of her under the chuppah. If we'll pay for Balloon Boy, there's gotta be some scratch lying around for that kind of thing.

Finally, here's the jam to take you out tonight. Just because. Saturdays like these! They happen.

We've seen this sort of behavior before, most notably with people like Jude Law and Colin Farrell, guys who were made into leading men before they had time to prove that they had the chops for such a responsibility. Let lessons be learned from the past and let's put Butler on probation.

Why does this misbehaving star deserve to be grounded? Well, after some early success in a Tomb Raider movie and the title role in the abysmal film adaptation of Phantom of the Opera, Butler and his abs starred in the surprise hit 300, grossing half a billion worldwide and making a legion of fanboys, ladies, and gay men very happy in the process. Because of this crossover appeal, his handlers thought that he could simultaneously dabble in both action and romantic comedy. That could be true, but he hasn't bothered to be in a good movie since 300. Crappy movies are crappy in any genre.

With P.S. I Love You and The Ugly Truth, his rom-coms with Hilary Swank and Katherine Heigl respectively, were both box office flops and critical duds. Gamer, released last month to deafening silence, has barely made a mark and struggled to get past the $20 million mark. It has been a series of missteps for this Scotsman. Citizen, which costars Jamie Foxx, had a good showing at the box office, but critics lit into it, which means that it probably won't rally much more in coming weeks.

While not as bad as Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr or professional bad decision makers Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, Butler is headed down that path if we don't intervene. If he can't pull out a decent project or two then he will be banned from all movies, tabloids, red carpet affairs, awards ceremonies, and celebrity relationships. If he can stay out of the press for three years, he may be rewarded with the starring role on a CBS procedural. This is your punishment Butler, so you better shape up.

Next year's Jennifer Aniston comedy The Bounty could go either way. Aniston was in The Break Up, the best romantic comedy of the decade, but the quality probably had more to do with the writing and direction than her abilities. It better work out, because if not, Butler is well on his way to being an over-valued, over-paid star who can't open anything bigger than a cereal box. If it does, along with maybe a prestige picture or a great cameo in a smaller film, then we will reinstate him into our good grace. Until them, he's in a professional time out.

[Image via Getty]

• It's hard keeping track of Jennifer Aniston's alleged love life. One day she's screwing Gerard Butler, the next it's secret meetings with Brad. Now she's apparently staying in close contact with her "ex" John Mayer, on whom she's "hooked" and "can't let go." Yes, it can all get confusing, but at least she only has three in the rotation. For now. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin's former babysitter claims Jon hacked into Kate's emails and now Kate's saying she may talk to her lawyers because she's "disturbed" by it all. Yeah, so are we. [Us]
  
  
• Oh, haha! Professional actor Jesse Metcalfe joked that he got erections while making out with Eva Longoria. No wonder this guy doesn't get more acting jobs. [TMZ]
  
  
• Donald Trump continues his war of words on Tilda Swinton, who opposes his plans to construct a golf course on a Scottish coast. She compared it to poor people's forceful evictions during the Highland Clearance's gentrification, which led Trump to say of the world-famous actress: "It's a shame that she would disgrace the thousands of Scots who suffered for her own personal gain and in order to get some easy publicity for herself." [Page Six]
  
  
• Tao will pay Kim Kardashian $50,000 to "celebrate" her birthday at their Las Vegas location. Life's truly unfair. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney's son, James, was trying to quietly start a music career. Now the papers are on to him, so that bubble's burst. [The Sun]
  
  
• California claims Patti LuPone owes nearly $10,000 in back taxes, but her people say it just isn't so, because the actress is "meticulous" about paying the tax man. So there! [Page Six]
  
  
• Ahhh! We've seen scary skinny models, and Miranda Kerr definitely deserves honorary mention. Well done! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Melissa Rycroft, who's a "celebrity" for being on The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars, has swine flu... [NYDN]
  
  
• ...And MSNBC's think Rycroft's announcing her swine flu for publicity. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Poor Fred Durst! Married three months and it's already over. [People]
  
  
• Just when you thought the Kanye/Taylor Swift scandal had gone to tabloid heaven, Taylor Swift hints that she may make fun of it when she hosts Saturday Night Live. Sounds like too easy a set-up. [Star]
  
  
• Sources say GQ photo-shopped January Jones' boobs to make them bigger, but photo editor Dora Samo insists Jones just uses what her mama gave her: "Yes, they're real. And they're spectacular." [Page Six]
  
  
• A second autopsy reveals that cocaine did not contribute to Billy Mays' death. Now, let's let the poor man's family rest. [NYDN]

It's one of the ironies of Morgan's career that he's found bigger stardom as the star of a parody of Saturday Night Live than he ever did on the real thing. And in his upcoming book, I Am the New Black, he mentions who treated him like shit, namely then stars Chris Kattan and Cheri Oteri. Morgan writes, "All I have to say about that is, where's Chris Kattan now? Where's Cheri Oteri now? That bitch can't even get arrested."

But the grudge apparently runs even deeper, because when Morgan sat down to record the audio version (in the clip above) of that passage, he started ad-libbing, expanding on his earlier points: Morgan says he still counts Will Ferrell, Molly Shannon and Colin Quinn as friends, but as for Oteri and Kattan: "Fuck 'em."

Amazing. It's not everyday you hear Tracy Morgan acting like a demanding, slightly unhinged television star who feels underappreciated by his co-workers. It's more like every week.

We're told Mogan will be at the Union Square Barnes & Noble Thursday Oct. 22 at 7pm if you want to see if he'll curse more old colleagues.

• Madonna once called Guy Ritchie "retarded." Now he's getting revenge by calling her "retarded," too. Shit, celebrities can be so retarded. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, good! The gloves are coming off in Peter Brant's divorce from Stephanie Seymour. Court papers say that Seymour, who's famous for being a model, spends $50,000 on clothes every month and has been stealing art from the mansion she shared with Brant, who owns Interview. Yee-haw! [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love, who posts a scary amount of late night tweets, would like to thank her parents for her ass, but nothing else. [Twitter]
  
  
• Get excited, people, because Tina Fey will again impersonate Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. [NYDN]
  
  
• Conrad Murray, the doctor everyone thinks killed Michael Jackson, may be arrested after failing to show up to family court to discuss the $13,000 he owes in back child support. [ET]
  
  
• Dina Lohan has a line of shoes, which we hope will be more bearable than Lindsay's pathetic fashion line. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West loves Alexander McQueen sooo much. But in the straightest way possible, of course. [Kanye]
  
  
• Heidi Fleiss was in a "horrific" car crash back in June. Don't worry, though, she's as alright as she was before the crash, which we suppose isn't saying much, but it's something. [TMZ]
  
  
• Wow! So, Gourmet's closing's a big deal, huh? It's so big, in fact, that a cafe worker at Newark's airport recognized former editor Ruth Reichl and gave her a sandwich. If only all former Conde staffers were getting such treatment... [Page Six]

The word was "strategery," which acclaimed Land of the Lost actor Will Farrell made famous back in 2000, when he lampooned the man who would become President George W. Bush.

Always hip to popular culture, Press Secretary Gibbs instantly recognized the reference, saying, ""I love it how a 'Saturday Night Live' word has entered into the lexicon." He then threatened to curse.

Who knew government could be so darn great? Plus, as an added bonus, it gives Gibbs' opponents some fuel for their "he's not dignified" fire.

Here's the clip of Farrell on SNL, in case you don't remember...

Typically, we'll get to this a lot earlier in the day, but there was a special kind of fun going on this weekend.

First off, let's talk rules. A commenter made a very astute observation (it happens) about much of the conversation regarding Saturday Night Live these days. It bears repeating here, because it was so spot-on:

Standardized Responses for SNL Threads.
1. SNL is still on?
2. I might have to watch this SNL sometime.
3. SNL hasn't been funny since _____ (insert name) was president.
4. The Tina Fey era was the (Choose one:) Best/ Worst.
5. (Canadians/Brits/Aussies:) You Americans can't say Fuck on the telly?
6. (Me, other Oldes:) Jane Curtin/ Dan Aykroyd - now there was a Weekend Update.
7. And I remember when Charles Rocket said Fuck. I got on my Commodore computer and typed a letter about it.

Saturday Night Live's still on TV because people still watch it. Why? Because it's live, because there are celebrities in skits, because there's music, because sometimes there's nothing better than staying home on a Saturday night, but mostly because sometimes, it can be funny. If you're going to be old and assy, please: now would be the best time to go the fuck away.

So! Let's talk the hype on this thing. Lorne shitcanned Michaela Watkins and Casey Wilson, which Brian thinks dooms them to lives of obscurity, and which some people think had to do with one of them being "fat." He replaced them with Jenny Slate and Nasim Perdrad, whom bloggers were blogging about.

First guest lineup: Megan Fox and U2. Hype rating: B.

Opening sketch: a little underwhelming for the first of the season. It was lampooning Moammar Gadhafi's rambling UN speech, which is an obscure political flub for SNL to dive into. Maybe that's what made it so funny: the comedy of being semi-lost in translation, the comedy of foreign diplomacy (inherently funny IRL), and, well, foreigners (easy stuff for SNL). It won me over, but still: I'd expect bigger. Also: too long. That makeup job, however, is great, and hysterically accurate. Grade: B-

Megan Fox's opening monologue was about guys photoshopping her head onto the bodies of other people on the internet. First joke ("Feels like being here is a dream. Based on the way they dressed me: a 13 year-old boy's dream.") was great, but the play on nudie pics got old, quick. They threw an "audience" internerd in for good measure. Fox was charismatic, but also, looked strangely into the camera, like she wanted to eat it. A photoshopped picture of U2, however childish, was funny. This was the second most entertaining thing involving U2 last night, and they played three songs. Grade: C

Kristen Wiig's first skit of the night was her and Fox as flight attendants to terrified passengers. The conventions on bad flight attendants were cute, but it dissolved into a headache-inducing, screechy conversation about Monk, which is funnier out of context than it is when you're watching it. SNL Writers, learn: play on conventions, funny, overkill of characters, not. To be fair, Fox and Wiig were solid. Grade: C-

My next note read the following: "LADY GAGA IS ON NEXT WEEK OMFG YOU GUYS." I had to be reminded that the guest was Ryan Reynolds. Hype Level: A- Gags better deliver. Reynolds knows how to do comedy. But they really—really—need to put Gags in a skit. Please, for the love of Gag, put her in a skit.

Next: Bill Hader doing the Russian Bride suitor joke. Megan Fox and Fred Armison are the Russian Brides. This is funny because Fred Armison looks fucking ridiculous, and making fun of Russian sexuality: funny. Megan Fox as Katya put her best "bitchface" on to great effect. Fred Armison singing "The Groove": amazing. Just silly. Grade: A-

The first of the two digital shorts (yes, two) wasn't that great. Maybe great in an art-house humor way, but: I didn't get it. Megan Fox is on a date with someone mentally challenged? What'd the description say, "effete retard?" Fox knows how to work a camera far better than a live stage, and it showed. She played this one really, really well. Too bad it just wasn't that great. Grade: D.

Keenan Thompson: sore spot for plenty of people. Remember: Tracy Morgan had his haters, too. Some people despised the Brian Fellows character. Don't count Thompson out. Keenan as "Grady Wilson" with sex positions? Nothing new, but: funny, especially since the Megan-Fox-having-sex innuendo plays really, really dirty. "Speaking in Tounges?" "The Jabberwocky?" Those are funny. Watch Megan Fox break character at the very end of the "Wild Boar." Grade: B.

I'm not wasting any words on U2's first two performances, suffice to say that Bono thinks he's Jesus, tried to freestyle during one of them (not joking), and that the new songs sound like murky Pop b-sides we could definitely live without. Musical Guest U2: D, if only for spectacle.

Next few skits were nothing special:

Weekend Update was decent, but Seth Meyers tore through the one-liners too quickly for any of them to be funny. Kennan played a Def Jam Paris correspondent (Huh?) and Kristen Wiig did the "just kidding" nervous travel correspondent, which was kind of amazing. Still waiting to see Seth Meyers carry this thing alone slightly better, but he's got a decent handle on it for the moment. Grade: C+, for Kristen Wiig. Less a feat of humor, more one of endurance.

A late-night party line ad skit was bizarre and somewhat uncomfortable. The second digital short—about Megan Fox's roommate being Optimus Prime—wasn't great either, aside from a bizarre cameo at the very end. I won't ruin it for you, but really: was that worth it? Meh. They should stick to making celebrities rap. It doesn't get old. It really doesn't. Phone Sex grade: D. Optimus Prime grade: D.

Final skit of the night: Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox. Kristen Wiig played your mom. Not a character they can go anywhere with, because the joke's too subtle. But: points for depicting a bizarre situation accurately. Grade: D+

Finally: U2 came out to play their last song over the credits. Bono was full of lazers and swung around on this red lavawheel microphone thing, it's just something to look at. He looks like a Spider Man villain. The song sounded better than the other two, but that wasn't saying much. When will a band just go on Saturday Night Live and play a crowdpleaser? When will U2 learn that the best way to sell new albums is to sell old albums? Etc.

Ah: there's one skit you won't find on Hulu today. Wonder why that is. Jenny Slate was the first of the two new cast members to go live, and it was fuck-ing exciting. The skit? It almost felt like a setup for Slate to say "fucking," because every other word was "frickin." It was the old talk show format, starring biker chicks. You can imagine how this went. We'll omit this from the judging because who can be funny when they think their life as they know it just ended? You could tell she was shocked, and the premise wasn't that great to begin with.

Verdict: C-. Megan Fox: great guest. But used in the same kinds of sketches we're used to, with exceptions to a few. The bad ones were bad: gratingly so. Fred Armisen was underused. Kennan Thompson showed the potential I want him to have (that plenty of SNL viewers don't, for whatever reason). U2 was...U2. SNL needs to make their performances exciting again, and they're not going to do that with lasers. Remember when Elvis Costello "sabatoged" the Beastie Boys with "Radio Radio" on the 25th Anniversary? It doesn't take much to pull that kind of thing off. When the most shocking thing about SNL is someone accidentally saying "fuck" their first night on the job, something's gotta give.

Fingers crossed for Lady Gaga. Seriously. Let's see some penis.

As commenter DahlELama put it: "Serves Lorne right—Michaela Watkins would never have done that." Entirely possible! But also: maybe not? Not sure. Either way, it's surely going to generate a nice amount of publicity for the new season, which we'll get into tomorrow morning. In the mean time, enjoy the blowfish face of "oh, shit, Lorne's going to have my ass on the fryer in about twenty minutes." Let's see if she's in any skits next week. Or the week after. Or the week after that.

Be nice to her, Lorne. It's the kid's first night.

[Thanks for the assist, Mattchew03.]

And in case the above gets taken down, the original:

And these guys put together a bunch. Who wants to take a bet that at least half-at least-will be taken down by noon?

Finally, here's Seth Meyers hugging Slate at the end of the show.

While Will Farrell is allowed to make mediocre comedy after mediocre comedy, Jan Hooks hasn't worked since 2004. Yes, SNL has launched the careers of countless male superstars, but what has it done for the women? Pretty much bubkas. There are a few notable exceptions—Tina Fey, Gilda Radner, Amy Poehler, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, for instance—but whither Ellen Cleghorne, Victoria Jackson, and Julia Sweeney? From the show's original cast, Jane Curtin may have gone on to several sitcoms, but Laraine Newman has been doing little more than guest spots and voice work for the better part of the decade.

Luckily Ana Gasteyer and Christine Ebersole went on to find steady work on Broadway, but that's kind of like being the chastest girl at a Sex-aholics Anonymous meeting. Why can Jimmy Fallon get his own late-night talk show, when Nora Dunn and Cheri Oteri are at home waiting by their phones? And for every Janeane Garofalo — who fled 30 Rock after one season, allowing her to escape with her career intact — a dozen Siobhan Fallones or Mary Grosses float out of sight. Maybe they should have taken the Maya Rudolph route and married a hipster director and done a drama. Now people are talking about how she's an "actress" instead of a comedian.

And it's not that these women aren't funny; they did scale to the very pinnacle of their trade by earning their places on the show. Hollywood doesn't know what to do with funny women. After all, it would rather have an attractive but bland actress playing the female lead on a sitcom rather than someone who has actual comedic timing. Look at who is starring in this season's romantic comedies: Amy Adams, Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Aniston, three ladies who never let themselves get pigeon-holed as "funny."

Don't worry, Casey and Michaela, just remember that there was a little girl named Sarah Silverman who got fired from SNL after one season too. She went out there and did her own thing, and in the end talent won out, and now she has her own show on basic cable! Look at how far you can go!

First, the inevitable viral Digital Short that happens when Justin Timberlake hosts: Timeberlake and Andy Samberg reunite for the "Dick In A Box" sequel, "Motherlover." Cameos from perennial MILF's Patricia Clarkson and Susan Sarandon, masterful comedy.

The show cold-opened with Will Forte as Tim Geithner in a relatively highbrow sketch about a banking stress test. Forte's Geithner impersonation wasn't perfect - or close, for that matter - but the jokes were both fairly topical and spot-on.

JT opened the show with the old standby I'm-Always-On-SNL shtick repeat hosts get to pull at some point. Typically, this is the kind of staid, old, boring shit SNL's writers lean on to devote energy towards other material that isn't funny, either. But: pair it with a musical bend and an effortlessly, ridiculously charismatic Timberlake, and it floats.

More cameos and Star Trek topicality on Weekend Update: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, and Leonard Nimoy. Finally, the stars get to slag on the fundamentalist fanboy Trekkies who're trashing the franchise's epic revitalization. Fun: watch Keenan Thompson break character at Nimoy's surprisingly decent comedic chops.

Finally, Jimmy Fallon pops in for another Barry Gibb Talk Show with Timberlake. Slightly meandering at times, but the overall effect of seeing (A) Fallon playing characters again and (B) anything that involves Justin Timberlake singing on the show plays well is a nice reminder of the glory days. It's too bad SNL has to keep dipping into the (fairly recent) past to unearth a quality hour of TV, but we'll take what we can get.

Sure, this celebrity mashup has been suggested before — but SNL actually made it funny. What if the most powerful person in the world actually flexed his beach-toned muscles instead of staying intellectually detached? Andy Samberg's smirking Rahm Emanuel completes the fantasy — until his "Rahmbo" character snaps out of it and realizes it was just a dream.

This bizarro sketch about circumcision and gay stuff (glory holes, mostly) was short and weird and sweet. Will Forte seems to be responsible for these ones.

The Fourth Jonas Brother sketch was good for two reasons. First because Alec Baldwin is just a funny fellow and looks good in a wig. Second because the Jonas Brothers didn't get any applause when they first showed up, which was hilarious, and they didn't seem to get that they were being made fun of the whole time. Ha.

In this one, it looks like they're masturbating!

The Vincent Price Valentine's Day special skit was probably the best of the evening. Those ones are always good though, if only because Kristen Wiig generally does a whacked-out Judy Garland or, in this case, Carol Channing impression. Raspberries! Too bad it's not available for embedding.

Kellogg's Keebler Eleves, after all, "live together in a treehouse and do nothing all day but think of new things to put cheese on." (See clip above.)

The company already seems to regret slamming Phelps for his on-camera smoking, and is now claiming the toking had nothing to do with Kellogg's decision to let Phelps' endorsement deal expire.

Perhaps Kellogg's finally took a hard look at its own website, which illustrated all the munchies-relieving ways its products can be used:

Dessert Nachos  

Meyers wasn't kidding, this is an actual recipe from the Kellogg's site, involving flour tortillas and "Smart Start" cereal. We doubt stoners would bother with all the finely-sliced fresh fruit, particularly when they could just add extra chocolate chips.

Gold Medal Sundae

Rice Krispies treats + ice cream + "gold medal" reference = perfect post-pipe snack for an Olympic-medallion-dappled swimmer.

Gummy Worm S'mores

There's a certain lazy genius at work here.

Apple Jacks Ice Cream Balls

Pretty much what the name implies, plus caramel sauce. Fast, delicious, and requiring very little eye-hand coordination.

Rice Krispies Treats Drumsticks

This involves peanut butter, Rice Krispies treats and Cocoa Krispies. Bonus points: the recipe could be easily adapted to include an actual fried-chicken drumstick in the center.

Runners-up: Cheez-It Surprise Soup, Krispy Ham Roll-Ups

Full video: SNL