"No disrespect to my man Barack, but I [bleeped] with John McCain. He greeted me like a god," Jeezy, who has endorsed Barack Obama, tells Vibe magazine. "The fact that he acknowledged me was crazy. I said, 'I'm Young Jeezy, and it's rough out here.' He blew me off at first. I was like, 'Nah, for real. It's rough out here, so what you gonna do to change it?' . . . And he gave me a look back, like, 'I know.' "

Now that McCain has the support of the drug trafficking industry, we may just have to vote for him!

If only Obama was better at race-baiting.

[P6]

The funnier candidate nearly always loses. This has been true since time immemorial. It's why Lincoln was the best President ever and why LBJ only got in accidentally. Is a dude who was in Wedding Crashers really suited to run the nation? Really?

The nation does not care for irony or wisecracks. The nation hates smarty-pants who think they're better than everyone else, which describes most good comedians. Adlai Stevenson was witty. Al Gore, painted as a stuck-up nerdlinger, has a deft, ironic sense of humor. We still think Hillary making fun of Barack Obama was funny. Big fat losers, all of them.

And John McCain can crack wise with the best of them, which is why reporters love him. He's got no filter (though he's working on it), he invites the press to bullshit with him, and they eat it up. He's been on The Daily Show 500 times. Of course, the last appearance was his least funny appearance. And this SNL cameo will be appropriately bland.

49. "Ass Pennies," Upright Citizen's Brigade:

46. "Celebrity Jeopardy," Saturday Night Live:

43. "The Pre-Taped Call-in Show," Mr. Show:

35. "The Spanish Inquisition," Monty Python

27. "Head Crusher Vs. Face Pincher," Kids in the Hall

14. "Ministry of Silly Walks," Monty Python

11. "Jaws II" (Land Shark), Saturday Night Live

3. "Argument Clinic," Monty Python

2. "Who's On First?" Abbott and Costello

1. "Dead Parrot," Monty Python

So, what got left out of the top 50? Stick it below so we can all watch.

When an officer detected the odor of burnt marijuana in the SUV, he questioned Thompson and passenger Kyle Mosley, to whom the vehicle belonged. At that point, Mosley handed over a cigarette pack containing a partially smoked joint. A subsequent police search recovered two small baggies of marijuana and a pack of rolling papers in Mosley's pockets. The 39-year-old Long Beach, N.Y. resident claimed "sole ownership" of the pot, said Lt. Stephen Elder in an e-mail to TSG.

Thompson was charged with careless driving, while Mosley was nabbed for possessing pot and drug paraphernalia. The March 26 traffic stop occurred on North Maple Avenue in Bernards Township, which is about 40 miles west of New York City.

Drug use by SNL castmembers! Is the show funny again?

"SNL" Star In Pot Stop [TSG]

[via TVTattle]

Hosted by NBC because they hate YouTube. Sorry! The monologue was actually pretty good too, btw.

The actual ambush in Bill's segment is woefully short, with the rest of the clip being given over to repetition of theoretically true conspiracies from a disgruntled former employee (in a journal published by M.I.T.), but it's nice to see O'Reilly using his personal vendettas to accidentally become Michael Moore.

Back in 1986, when GE first purchased RCA and, with it, NBC, then-NBC Late Night host David Letterman began a crusade against the corporation that would last through his move to CBS. Here's how to ambush corporate in a more entertaining fashion.

And, of course, Robert Smiegel's GE-destroying "Conspiracy Theory Rock", from a 1998 SNL. Legendarily—maybe apocryphally?—edited out of all future reruns. O'Reilly, being new to critiques of media ownership by disreputable corporations, borrows a bit of his argument from this cartoon.

It does all sort of make Rupert Murdoch's "I will do anything to broadcast professional wrestling to the Chinese" treachery seem a little small-time, doesn't it?

Bill O'Reilly's Goons Ambush GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt [Crooks and Liars]

As per the press material:

As recently as Mean Girls in 2004, Lindsay Lohan was a bright and shining new star with nothing but promise (ah, remember those days?). This Mid-Career Retrospective is a reminder of what made us love her (the unbelievably charming Freaky Friday) and a wake-up call as to what she has become (the preposterously bad I Know Who Killed Me)."

Bring your jersey pajamas and an eightball of cocaine! And see, if you don't attend, you'll feel really bad—because she'll probably be dead in a few years.

A single professional woman (Fey) opts to hire a surrogate mother (Poehler) so she can have a baby and keep her career on track.

Baby Mama [IMDB]

Which smoking-hot young TV actress started on her way in the industry by bedding one of the least attractive 'SNL' cast members while still in college?

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Which "SNL"-er is living up to the show's storied history of drug abuse with a whole lot of blow at the all-night after-show parties?

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

a holiday song about making a gift to their girlfriends of their male anatomy, which they appeared to have wrapped in boxes (strategically placed) and then topped with bows.

UPDATE: This is actually from The Morning News back in 2003, submitted to the mole-line by author Alan Baird, though its source wasn't attributed (or recognized by your ignroant editor). Gawker regrets the error.

1) John Belushi grips my blue tie, which is still attached to my neck, and drags me down the hall to his Saturday Night Live dressing room. The Windsor slipknot cinches ever tighter, and my vision becomes fuzzy around the edges. Dressing for my shift this morning, I never guessed the tie could be so easily converted into a deadly weapon.

John wanted to share a joint with someone (anyone!), and I happened to be the closest warm body. "C'mon, Tommy-boy. Rehearsal is over, and your work here is finished. Let's go get wasted."

But when you're the newest page on staff, and terrified of being caught, you try to make a show of resisting. At least when in public.

It's a classic case of mistaken identity. Tom is usually assigned to the Studio 8H desk during the week leading up to a live show, answering phones, taking messages, dealing with the steady stream of celebrities and hangers-on. And everyone says I look a lot like Tom. So the last images I see, before blacking out, are the smiling faces of two fellow pages, receding into the distance as I'm towed away. Those same two faces, now hovering above me and filled with concern, are also the first things I see upon returning to consciousness.

"Did I smoke with him?"

"No. He kept dragging until you turned blue and passed out. Why'd you resist?"

"This is a cool job. I didn't want to get canned."

They exchange knowing looks and mutter, "Rookie."

2) We're a lucky group of pages: our boss is hosting a weekend getaway at her summer cottage in the Hamptons. My colleague Robyn has gone outside to try the secluded swimming cove, but nobody else wants to break away from our showbiz gossip-fest in the rec room, so I decide to keep her company and head for the beach a few minutes later. Robyn emerges from her first dip when I arrive. There's no need to test the water; Robyn's exposed left nipple announces that it's quite chilly.

I'm not sure if she realizes the surf has tugged at her bikini top, so I gallantly offer my towel...after a short delay for gawking. She smirks up at me. Honi soit qui Malibu.

3) David Bowie and I manhandle his life-size plastic punching doll into the elevator. The next night, NBC's costumers will bolt David into this rigid contraption so he can spin and wobble across the stage on live television, while lip-synching one of the songs that made him into the icon known as Ziggy Stardust.

For a second, I gaze into Bowie's left eye and notice his famous blown pupil. "Why drag this all the way back to your hotel? The Props department could lock it up for you."

He laughs. "Nothing personal, but if it goes missing, I can't just buy another one down at the corner shop."

I giggle. "Good point."

I still look back on this comment as my best shot at the Melonhead Hall of Fame.

Nobody gives us a second glance as we struggle outside to the Plaza. The Thin White Duke and an anonymous melonhead are trying to stuff a six-foot-tall, brightly-colored punching doll into the back seat of a stretch limo, but New Yorkers, true to form, don't even notice this singular tableau. David turns, to say thanks for the help. Polite guy. My brain is churning at light speed, searching for another bon mot.

So I bring out the big guns: "Break a leg!" When David looks puzzled, I rush to explain: "Not now. Tomorrow night." He smiles and thanks me again.

Then his limousine is gone, and I'm left alone to compose my Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

4) Six of us are squeezed into the rented car, driving back from glorious day at the shore. It's very dark and very late; we all have sand in our sneakers. And salt on our lips. Especially Mindy.

Traffic is light on the Long Island Expressway, and somebody flips through several NYC radio stations, hoping to avoid the musical stylings of Billy Joel. When a few strange electronic notes ooze from the speakers, we all perk up. "Stop! Right there!" At first, the exotic music seems cold and inhuman, as though composed by aliens. But we gradually fall under its spell, almost holding our breaths; nobody is willing to interfere, even slightly, with the unworldly sounds. We sigh when the song finally ends, nearly twenty minutes later. Our short silence is broken by a whisper: "What the hell was that?" The deejay tells us (Tangerine Dream's "Tangram"), and I spend the next ten years looking for a copy.

5) The Grateful Dead begin psyching themselves up to perform 20 minutes before air, and by the time we let the audience take their seats, clouds of marijuana smoke in the entry hall have reduced visibility to five or ten feet at best.

Then the red "On Air" light starts blinking, and through the heavy double doors, I can hear SNL's house band rip into the theme music. Don Pardo's dulcet tones announce the Dead and their guest host. Later, I'll go inside to watch some of the sketches that have survived dress rehearsal, and none of us will miss the two musical performances. But for now, I stand in the empty hallway, sucking up a few lungfuls of second-hand reefer. After an earlier rehearsal, Jerry Garcia gave me one of his plastic guitar picks, and I run a finger along its triangular shape, resting securely in my pocket. This little treasure will look mighty fine, pasted into the ol' scrapbook.

Earlier: Maybe Don't Use Marci Klein As a Reference, FYI

We're not sure when Atoosa Rubenstein became a figure of such renown that she merits a parody on Saturday Night Live, but this Maya Rudolph impersonation from Saturday's episode is probably the funniest thing that show has done in a decade. (And we know how desperate they are.) Extra points to the makeup people for not slapping on an oversized putty nose or arm hair. One quibble: no fried shrimp present.

Gawker's coverage of Atoosa Rubenstein

According to my SNL-insider source, when Hilton hosted, she toted her dog Tinkerbell with her the whole time. And one day during the week, little Tinkerbell took a little doggie crap on the floor of the Talent Office, just outside of where Lorne Michaels' office is.

Tina Fey Rags on Paris Hilton [ETP]
Earlier: Tina Fey Reveals that Paris Hilton is Dumb

Update: An SNL-insider tipster gives us even more information about this hot 'Paris Hilton is dumb' rumor . . .

I was interning at SNL when Paris hosted and, indeed, everyone HATED her. One day, she was waiting to rehearse a sketch and while she thought no one was looking, she took the gum she had been chewing out of her mouth and stuck it onto the set. Naturally, everyone in the control room had seen the cuntrag do it and when someone called her, she continued to stare blankly. She also couldn't read the cue cards while filming promos and pronounced the name of the band Keane as "Key-annie." Don't you live those tidbits about how she's actually "really smart" and "knows what she's doing?"

The cast had a running bet to see if the self-obsessed Hilton would ask a single personal question to any cast member at any time during the entire week. She asked one, according to Fey, to Seth Meyers, about the ethnicity of another cast mate.

When the discussion turned to Hilton's looks, Fey complained that strands of Hilton's "gross Barbie hair" were found all over the set, and that up-close, Paris actually "looks like a tranny."

SNL has writers, sets, cameramen, lighting, makeup, wigs—and really good actors.

Well, there's unfortunately no easy way to explain why SNL can suck so hard, especially when passing over obvious comedy gold. Other than a rundown of how the show operationally works these days — much the same as ever — the best nuggets are occasional, defensive quotes from the cast and associated professionals. Perhaps the saddest encomium for how things used to be versus how they are proves that you really do need lots of sex and drugs to keep a comedy troupe properly stoked. "There's way less, you know, crazy everyone's-boning-each-other kind of awesome gossip," says cast member Andy Samberg, "but at the same time everyone's much more relaxed and friendly." Adds Amy Poehler, "We all really love each other a lot around here." Hey, if we want relaxed and friendly and love, we'll tune back in to Gilmore Girls. Make with the drugs and the wife-swapping and the backstage fistfights. Or at least do a sketch about 'em. It's certainly not the time for a Darrell Hammond clip show.

That '70s Show [VV]

[via TVNewser]
Related: 'SNL' at 32: Cutting Edge Yields to Comfy Middle [WaPo]

To recap: a music mogul is a trustee for Saturday Night Live producer's impressive new digs. Well, that's one way to get your artists on NBC.

Is David Geffen Moving to Mercer Street? [The Real Estate]
Gimme Shelter [NYP (2nd item)]

The Paramount Pictures project centers on an accident-prone daredevil (Samberg) who plans to jump the Snake River on a moped to emulate his hero Evel Knievel in order to win over his hard-to-please stepfather.

Oh, good. We're so glad someone's going to defeat that nasty SNL box-office curse, once and for all.

'SNL' Star Samberg Hops Into 'Hot Rod' [HR]

Watch it now, before NBC takes it away. God forbid the the show garners any positive buzz.

Update: Yep, it's been removed from YouTube. Silly copyright infringement. If NBC would throw their millions around getting a version up on their website, maybe these things wouldn't happen.
Update #2: NBC has the video here.