Two female Romance language instructors were tossed out of their Brooklyn high school after being caught "undressed" in an empty classroom, sources told the Daily News Tuesday.

Their Romance language was Sexxx, sources said! Word of the shapely young Sapphic duo got out probably due to this Facebook group that some students from the school made last week. The page's self-description (and we quote):

So apparently Ms.Brito was caught eating out Ms.Mauro (or vice versa) during friday at S.I.N.G and a security guard caught them.

Random teens flagged down by some Daily News reporter confirm both the teachers, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro, were "sexy." So there you have it: all the unconfirmed rumors. There's not stopping this story now. Ladies, own it.

[Both teachers are now consigned to a sexxxy "Rubber Room!"]'

Thanks LeftCoastLady for posting the link to #tips.

In a big coincidence totally unrelated to unnamed outside events, whatever those might be, all the companies that paid Tiger millions upon millions of dollars to endorse their products have collectively lost interest in telling you, the consumer, that their products are officially approved by Tiger Woods. Bloomberg reports:

The last prime-time ad featuring the 33-year-old golfer was a 30-second Gillette Co. spot on Nov. 29, according to New York- based Nielsen. Woods also was absent from ads on a number of weekend sports programs, including NFL games, Nielsen said.

Also amusing is the fact that pretty much every company says no, there has been no change in our Tiger Woods endorsement deals, what are you talking about? Although the frequency of their ad buys may have declined, yes. To zero.

We advised Tiger to just get back to playing that good old golf, and things will work out for him. But PR man Mike Paul tells the NYT, "But he cannot just remain silent, out of sight. He should have done a one-on-one interview within the first 24 to 48 hours. He should have done something like Oprah, and he needs to do it - that type of interview - and soon."

But Mike Paul, if Tiger's wife is beating him about the head with a golf club as he attempts to speak to Oprah, does that not negatively impact the man's "image?" Think about it. Just play that golf, Tiger. The media is just waiting to EAT YOU ALIVE. (More so).

[And yes Gatorade is canceling its weird Tiger drink, but they already decided that a long time ago. What was that all about anyhow? 'Fruit punch' flavor Gatorade was good enough for Gene Sarazen and it's good enough for you, by gum. Pic: Getty]

According to Florida Highway Patrol tapes obtained by the Associated Press Woods' mother and mother-in-law were at the house when he was either injured in a car crash or 'injured in a car crash'. Which is embarrassing either way.

And Jesper Parnevik, the Swedish golfer who brought Woods and wife Elin Nordegren together when Nordegren was his nanny, did not pull his punches when interviewed about the 2am shenanigans. He told a Swedish newspaper he owed her an apology for even introducing them, via the AP.

I have lost all respect for him, primarily as a man and a father," Parnevik said in the Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet on Thursday from the PGA Tour qualifying tournament in West Palm Beach, Fla. It doesn't even feel like it matters what he has done on the golf course. My respect for him as a person is gone. We have been nice to Tiger before, but now he only has himself to blame.

We thought better of him, but he is not the one we thought he was.

Finally, there are more sinister developments. According to TMZ Woods' alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel canceled a planned press conference yesterday because she knows too much about Tiger and is "scared for her safety."

Here is where things stand for Tiger, this morning: His love life is pretty fucked. Although his sex life sounds great! Of the five or so extramarital women everybody thinks he boned, the big news today is about the original Tiger Fling Girl, Rachel Uchitel. Just two days ago she gave a big front-page exclusive interview to the New York Post about how this is all bullshit and she never did anything at all with Tiger and god, this is all bullshit, because of lying whores who hate her.

Well! She's changed her mind. Rachel's having a press conference this afternoon to announce that she did, in fact, do all that sexy stuff, with Tiger Woods. (Update: The press conference was just canceled, but the admission to boning the golf star is now out there.) We assume this is because she read our advice and wants to clear the air as she moves forward with her nightlife career, but, Rachel—not so abrupt next time. The turnaround from total, vehement lie to revelation of truth that everyone already suspected must be a little smoother, so as not to make you appear to be either a psycho or blackmail victim. Although we will consider everything forgiven if you make a point to mock the New York Post's dead-wrong exclusive at your press conference.

Tiger Woods: Your job is simple. Just be Tiger Woods. That means, continue being the most robotic, uninteresting sports megastar of our time. You, sir, are a cipher. Fans and sponsors love you for it, because they can project whatever image they want upon you, and your inscrutable, uninteresting being simply swallows it up.

Golf is the most uninteresting spectator sport in the world. Golf fans are not moralists. They are people who believe that golf shirts in various shades of coral are acceptable outerwear. They are the bland upper crust of Middle America. That, and rich assholes who love to cheat on their wives. Neither of these groups of golf fans cares one bit about your marital infidelity, Tiger. Nor do your sponsors. What they do care about is being forced to think about something other than golf.

People play (and watch) golf to escape the real world. The world of golf is a world of creepy perfectly manicured lawns and rolling greens as far as the eye can see and lots middle-aged white guys. People want to embrace you as the staid, unblinking image of perfection on a golf course, Tiger. They don't want to be forced to consider who you're fucking. The masochistic desire of sports fans for a feeling of inadequacy next to their heroes does not extend into the bedroom.

So just shut the fuck up and play golf, Tiger. You'll be boring the hell out of America again before you know it.

Us paid $150,000 for the Grubbs exclusive, according to our (unverified) tipster. The full story supposedly runs tomorrow, with the headline "Tiger Trouble." Our tipster also says that People didn't bid on her story, because "they are hoping to get first sit down with Tiger and don't want to piss him off!"

Makes sense! Email us if you know more. What we do know for sure: All these magazines are in a much better position than TMZ, which has been running breathless exclusives about all the trouble Tiger was in with Florida law enforcement, right up to the moment he received a big $164 ticket. TMZ commenters are mocking the site for its coverage. Heh.

• What do you want to be when you grow up? This is the question you must ask yourself now, Rachel. Out of scandal comes opportunity. But you must know what you're pursuing if you are to achieve it. Think about it. We have some ideas too!
• Only talk to your friends. The corollary of this being, "Know who your friends are." The New York Post is not your friend, Rachel. It is not anyone's friend. So why oh why did you give them the big interview today? The gist of your interview was "I barely know Tiger Woods and nothing happened between us." The cover headline: "TIGER & ME: Beautiful 'other woman reveals the truth about her relationship with sports' biggest star." See how that does not serve you well, since many more people will read the headline than will read your actual words? Yes. A "friend" in the media is an outlet that will cede you friendly coverage in exchange for access. And don't go too far downscale. RadarOnline, for example, would just make you seem like more of a nut. Aim for Barbara Walters. Settle for Bob Costas.
• Pick an image and stick to it. From a BlackBook interview, June 2008: "Although I've been romantically linked to a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors, I will never kiss and tell!"
  From your New York Post interview today: "It doesn't look good because of stories in the past about me and other celebrities, and everybody thinks I'm just a celebrity f - - -er. Well the truth is, I live alone, I don't have a boyfriend, and I have my gay best friend staying over most nights. I'm a recluse. I don't go out, I stay home with my dogs and friends."
  So which is it? Clearly, it is "Celebrity fucker," in truth. Which is okay! Many people in this world aspire to become a celebrity fucker, but few ever live that dream. You have, and you should not be ashamed. Just go with it.
• Work that nightlife angle. Hmm, what would be a perfect industry in which a woman such as yourself could use the fame associated with vague celebrity sex scandal to her advantage? An industry in which the mystique cultivated by more silence, Rachel,selective silence, could be beneficially used to draw people into your orbit? And industry in which you already know everyone? Yes. Nightlife. You should right now be out hustling investors to open your own club down the road. A sexy and dangerous club. A club where the notoriety that goes along with fucking Tiger Woods et al. will not be shameful. It will be celebrated. It will make you popular. And you will win.
• Calibrate your edginess carefully. Nightclub, yes. Porn, no. You're no Ashley Dupre.

The New York Times wrote a story about Biggest Loser. What did they find out?

• The winner of season one "dropped some of the weight by fasting and dehydrating himself to the point that he was urinating blood." Actually many of the people dropped mostly water weight, and gained much of it back after the show ended and they began hydrating properly.
• Whose fault is it that these dangerously fat people are dangerously dehydrating themselves in pursuit of a cash prize? The fault of the fat people themselves, according to the professional fitness trainer Jillian "Evil" Michaels. "Contestants can get a little too crazy and they can get too thin," she said.
• Don't go blaming the show for that; they never said they were qualified to know about health and weight loss and whatever! The show's waivers state that no guarantees have been made that the medical professionals are qualified to "diagnose medical conditions that may affect my fitness to participate in the series."
• Also the show tried to intimidate former contestants into not speaking to the New York Times.

Overweight Americans: Would you like to slim down, but don't have access to evil fitness trainer Jillian Michaels? Here is the secret formula! Eat a few hundred calories less than you burn every day; exercise for no more than an hour five days a week, with a sensible mix of interval cardio workouts and basic weight training; lose a couple pounds a week; continue until satisfied. Just read this! Better yet, forget about losing weight altogether. Put that weight to work for you. You can gain up to 30 pounds of pure power with THIS:

Disclaimer: This theory is posited by Neill's own lawyer, and is probably false. That said! The New York Post has the attorney's intricate legal reasoning:

Hillgardner argued that case law protects mere nude physical activity — like calisthenics and ball-playing — from lewdness charges.

So because Neill was kind of writhing around in a "I look like I'm on so much PCP but actually I'm an artistic nudie model" way, it was protected! Also the lawyer says that the only things ladies cannot legally do topless are sunbathing and "handing out promotional material," so, ladies? Everybody's into art again.
[Pic via]

"While I'm innocent, I'm sorry to all my fans and supporters for this embarrassment," Carter said.
Then he drove off in his shiny black Mercedes.

Ouch.
[NYDN]

You probably know Christina Ambers' feet from such ads as "Rescue Me," "Maybelline," and "Sally Hansen Hard as Nails Xtreme Wear." She is only considered the hottest foot model around these days, that's all. And her hands aren't too shabby either!

Anyhow she married the doorman at her building on E. 74 St., and now she's alleging in a $10 million lawsuit that the co-op board is trying to evict her because they simply can't stand the sight of the doorman, a poor, rubbing all up on the precious rich sexxxy feet of Ambers, a non-poor. Other residents in her building say the couple had a tumultuous relationship, made noise, and had the cops called to their apartment. The Post, predictably, ignores that angle in favor of class war without mercy, leading its story with "Stick to taking out the recyclables, Angel."

The most interesting part of this story, of course, is not actual facts. It's the question of whether the New York Post can stir up a decent amount of class-based outrage amongst its readers on behalf of a couple that is one-half Latino man from the Bronx. If Ambers had married, say, a poor but proud firefighter from Bay Ridge, this would be an easy layup. But can the Post's faux-populism overcome its real racism? We shall see.

There's always the sexxxy feet pics to fall back on!
[Pic: Christina Ambers' Flickr]

The conspiracy theory when he stepped down was that the lover/aide who outed him, Golan Cipel, a "special adviser to the governor" on $110,000, had been pushed to do so to allow a run by Jon Corzine. Which worked out spectacularly.

McGreevey, according to the Post, has now turned to God. Here's how they sum it up:

The former New Jersey love gov has gone from Turnpike rest stops to the church rostrum as part of his training to become an Episcopal priest, working each weekend at All Saints Church in Hoboken.

To be fair, if any profession understands sex scandals it's the priesthood.

UPDATE: Choire Sicha points out that this very site broke the above news, via his fair hand, two-and-a-half years ago.

Big Pork demands that Neighborhoodies cease and desist selling this hot, tasty shirt at once, lest the public become confused about which animal does, in fact, constitute an appropriately pale substitute for chicken.

One might say the hotel's guests are really getting into the spirit of the place! The Standard did everything it could to encourage its reputation as a $400 a night orgy den. Let's look back at this nice NY Post story from September 2:

Even hotel staffers and managers get in on the act, workers said, stripping down and posing provocatively in front of the massive floor-to-ceiling windows to draw attention to the hotel, which straddles the city's new High Line Park.

"We don't discourage it. In actual fact, we encourage it," a friendly bellhop told a pair of reporters as they checked in yesterday at The Standard, where randy guests cavort with abandon to the dismay — or delight — of parkgoers below.

Fucking in front of the assembled crowds below was actually the basis of the hotel's marketing policy, in a very thinly veiled way. Well, now we can officially dub that a "miscalculation;" last weekend, a hotel guest decided to help himself to the cleaning lady. She came in his room; he started chatting her up, asked if she had a boyfriend, asked if she thought he was handsome, then went ahead and jumped on her. (He was unsuccessful).

Could have happened anywhere, of course. But it's probably a much smaller mental leap for a horny hotel guest to decide that the cleaning lady must be interested in a quick fuck if he's staying in a place that's already been all over the tabloids for running ads saying "We'll put up with your banging if you'll put up with ours." Orgies are included with the room rate, right?

Hard to believe that not one marketing person, at any point, said, "These ads are edgy and all, but it sure would suck for us if any sex crimes happened in this place. Ya know?" Anyhow, expect the Standard Hotel to come up with some new taglines soon. It is very convenient to transportation!
[Pic: Ed Yourdon]

Who's to say that flying milk carton is not full of kerosene? Go, NYT:

Diana Shulla-Cose, president and co-founder of Perspectives Charter Schools, said that an on-campus police officer had called for backup as the food fight escalated and that the resulting heavy police presence had led in turn to the large number of arrests.

Any time you're in need of assistance, call the police, and they will arrest somebody, for something, or, failing that, arrest you.

UPDATE: The PR person from Perspectives Charter School sent us a lengthy statement on this, which can be summarized as "The event is not reflective of the culture of our school." Duly noted.
[Pic via]

Allow alleged extortionist Joe Halderman's attorney to lay it all out for you how it really happened: after Joe discovered Letterman was boning Joe's girlfriend, still, he thought, hey, great idea for a screenplay!

The lawyer says this was not extortion, calling it "a pure commercial transaction." The lawyer says Halderman was merely trying to sell the exclusive screenplay rights to Letterman.

Who would enjoy a screenplay of Letterman's sexual foibles more than the man himself? So, can Joe go now? And also he'd like his job back.
[Pic: Getty]

Because once Carter (and his wife Marilyn, who now says he's innocent of abusing her) got onto that flight, they went to Kansas City for a little R&R, just to get away from it all. Apparently it did not go so well. According to the New York Post (which is gleefully pursuing this story, which is another problem for Dominic Carter) the following things happened after the Carters arrived:

1. Dominic Carter was supposed to give a "motivational speech" to the NAACP in KC. He canceled, because "he wasn't feeling well."

2. The next day, a relative called the cops and told them they feared Dominic was suicidal.

3. The Carters' daughter calls KC cops shortly afterwards, to say her mother seemed to be "under duress," and that the family has "domestic violence issues."

4. It becomes clear that Marilyn has disappeared.

5. Police later locate her at the KC airport. She'd abruptly decided to leave, buy a plane ticket, and fly home.

Next time, the Bahamas?

Vanity Fair caught up with the freedom fighter himself in London:

What could happen to him if he went back today? "I don't know," he says. "There are enough lawyers working on it. So I let them work." He blames a lot of what happened to him in America on the eight George W. Bush years. "America has always been a country of dreams, and it became a country of hate."

Alberto Gonzales never could get a decent table.
[Pic: Getty]