• Stephanie Pratt was busted for a DUI. I woke up late again. Are you surprised on either account? [TMZ]
  
  
• Roman Polanski got removed from Swiss jail for an unknown medical condition (it's probably "I Wanna Get The Fuck Out Of Dodge-itis"). I know this is where I'm supposed to be like I HOPE THEY PUT A SCALPEL UP HIS ASS but (A) honestly I'll save that for the mob rule and (B) they'd probably use a tiny corkscrew instead. Get it? [NYDN]
  
  
• Two books are being written about Mickey Rourke, and both of them detail how he's completely obsessed with the mafia and being a mafia groupie. Apparently, he was hanging out with John Gotti in 1996 when Gotti was arrested, but, uh, wait. There are two separate books being written about Mickey Rourke? The fact that two separate publishers gave the go-ahead for two separate books about Rourke is kind of incredible. Someone should write a book about that. [NYP]
  
  
• OH MY GODDDDD Rush and Molloy, the Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team who front the New York Daily News' Sunday gossip page, have yet again set their moose and squirrel sights on the most boring possible scoop: Michael Jackson's shady doctor of death, Conrad Murray, is looking for a book deal. (A) No shit and (B) who cares? More about the "tragic" ending of The Hills, plz. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan can't tell the difference between a cake shaped like a giant perfume bottle and a giant perfume bottle. I would try to explain how we came to this breaking news, but the anecdote's so patently ridiculous I can actually feel the weight of my cranium lighten having just toasted a few brain cells by reading it. To think, I could've used those on glue. [Page Six]
  
  
• Again, Daily News, really, you guys are lacking in the gossip department on the weekends. Ben Widdicombe, where you at, son? I'm only here two days a week. [Oh, that's right, he quit like, last April or something, but I wouldn't know that because who gives a shit about the NYDN gossip pages any more when Boris and Natasha are your big show?] Anyway: "Michael Jackson's children thrive in more normal childhood after life with King of Pop dad." You're joking, right? This is a headline? They could live in the New Museum and they'd have a more normal life than they did with Dad. Jesus.[NYDN]
  
  
• Penn Badgley has ten secrets the Daily News has "uncovered." He didn't graduate high school, he likes tequila, he forgets the words to the National Anthem, America's Best Dance Crew is his guilty pleasure, and he hates L.A. No, I'm serious, there're five more where that came from, and I'm not clicking over to read them. Thank you, New York Daily News, for basically describing most of America, including me. Unless the next five are "he enjoys huffing paint, molesting animals who're just a few inches too big for the petting zoo, can shove an entire Slinky up his ass, will beat me in backgammon, and plays the vacuum a la Jon Fishman," I could really care less. [NYDN]
  
  
• This is awesome: Shia LaDouche didn't show up for the New York, I Love You premiere and it's being blamed on mean old cokeface Oliver Stone not letting him out to go to the premiere while shooting Wall Street 2. They then note that Scarlett Johansson didn't go, either, because her segment was cut out of the film. Whoops! But you know who those suckers missed? the Post goes on to ask. No guys, please, tell us. Let's make them jealous: "They missed Cloris Leachman, director Mira Nair (who's helming the upcoming "Amelia"), Rocco DiSpirito, Peter Facinelli and porn star Savanna Samson." BAHHHHHAHAHA [Page Six]
  
  
• Woody Allen is now shamelessly casting the world's hottest women and doesn't give a fuuuhhhck what you think about it. Not only is he putting them in movies, but he got Penelope an Oscar, suckers, and he did it in Spain by putting her in a suggested threesome with ScarJo and Javy Bardy. Beat that. Now he wants to make a movie starring Andriana Lima in Rio. Okay, the last few we understand, but just because Adriana Lima's been on an episode of How I Met Your Mother and one of Ugly Betty does not mean you should put her at the front of your new movie, Woody (and yes, truly: Woody). To balance out her skill you're going to have to cast F. Murray Abraham as her love interest, or something. Which I'd pay $10 to see. [Page Six]
  
  
• This Page Six item begins: "Now that "The Hills" is coming to a tragic end, its stars are busy promoting themselves to find new gigs." What the shit? A "tragic end"? Is this like the end of Dead at 21 where they all just fizzle out or get killed by the shadow (Reptilian, obvi) government? What the hell have I been missing on that show? Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bloomberg is Turning Japanese! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM, BAM BAM BAM, BAM! EEEEE! [Page Six]
  
  
• New Yorkers, this one's for you: Vincent Kartheiser and one of the other guys from Mad Men—I don't know who it was, I don't watch that show, because nothing ever happens on it—were seen eating at DBGB, which just scored (a low) two stars from the new New York Times dining critic Sam Sifton, who we need to kidnap in the middle of the night with Adam Platt and Jay "Six Shooter" Cheshes and Ryan Sutton and get him really shitfaced at the Cherry Tavern and make him eat everything off the value menu at McDonalds at the end of the night. Hazing! It happens! The dude's too soft, let's toughen that pussy up! Anyway, the only other important thing you need to know about this item is that Vincent Kartheiser was in the massively underrated Larry Clark movie, Another Day In Paradise, which also starred James Woods saying "fuck" or some kind of variant of it every three seconds and Melanie Griffith being punched in the face by James Woods (this is the most epic moment in the film). I kid you not. Watch it, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• A little girl helped Pamela Anderson carry around the train of her dress at a party because she had asked Anderson if she could, and a bunch of downer assholes like me are being all like, ohhhh, what a biiiiitch, I can't believe she's promoting child labor, Godddddd. But that's a dumb joke and honestly it's really cute that Anderson would let a kid do this. See! We're not all bad! The funny thing is that Tommy Lee's now going to try to get someone to hold up his three foot dong for him whenever he pisses and hopefully it won't be a kid. Seriously, though, you can get some great intern candidates for that kind of thing coming out of the ACC schools. [Page Six]

And oh, what the hell? Good morning, everyone! This day's going to be wonderful. Please sing along:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Poor Sarah Palin! The former Alaska governor wants to charge $100,000 for speaking gigs, but sources say many lecture circuits think she's nothing more than a "blithering idiot" and don't want to shell out the bucks. [Page Six]

  
  

• How far they fall: Eddie Furlong's wife Rachael Kneeland filed a restraining order against the Terminator 2 star. She claims he "grabbed me, bruised me, pushed me, made threats of more violence" and smokes cocaine like a mad man. [TMZ]

  
  

• A medical examiner has officially ruled on suicide in DJ AM's death. It was an "accidental overdose." Still sad, though. [NYDN]

  
  

• Meghan McCain doesn't have the highest opinion of journalists: I am pretty much completely disillusioned with journalists after my time... I think all of it's bad." Wait, don't you write for Daily Beast? [Mediaite]

  
  

• Who knew so many people would want to see Jude Law and Hugh Jackman in the flesh? Their new play, A Steady Rain, broke Broadway's record for single tickets sold in a week. [Reuters]

  
  

• Ew! U2's current tour costs a little over $750,000 each day. And, despite Bono's Earth-friendly ways, a lot of that goes to the 200 trucks that transport equipment, lights and food. [The Sun]

  
  

• Madonna wants to get her embryonic boyfriend, Jesus Luz, DJ gigs at East Village bars, including homosexual establishment Eastern Bloc. [Page Six]

  
  

• Penelope Cruz can't — or won't — say if she prefers kissing Scarlett Johansson or Charlize Theron. They are both, she says, "pretty beautiful partners." Also, she won't say if she's having Javier Bardem's baby. [Vanity Fair]

  
  

• Let's all pray for Gwen Stefani, for some evil robbers tried to break into her mansion while she was in Singapore. Tragic. [NYDN]

  
  

• Conan O'Brien made fun of Newark, New Jersey, last week, and now the city's mayor, Cory Booker, has posted a YouTube "banning" him from the city's airport, which is basically like telling someone they can't eat glass. That place sucks. [NY Post]

  
  

• BBC executives chided gay comedian Graham Norton for making fun of lesbian haircuts. [Daily Mail]

  
  

• So, Diddy's leaving Warner Bros. for Interscope, but WB won't let him take all of his Bad Boy artists, so he's going to have to find new talent. Good thing he has a billion MTV shows that revolve around that very concept. [Page Six]

  
  

• Oscar-winning Pulp Fiction writer Roger Avary was sentenced to one-year in jail yesterday for a DUI accident in which his passenger died. [MSNBC]

• Rumors are swirling that the fairy tale love affair between Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds might be coming to an end. There have been numerous reports of ugly public spats between the two of late and now it appears as though a recent fight just prior to Comic-Con caused Reynolds to cancel his appearance because he didn't want to be around his delicious wife. Scarlett reportedly got so mad that she ripped off her wedding ring and threw it at him or something. And now the producers of Green Latern are pissed at Reynolds for canceling the promotional appearance over a fight with his wife. Now, I don't usually give two shits about celebrity breakups, but these two potentially breaking up makes me kind of sad, which is sad in and of itself I guess. [Update: Reynolds' reps at 42 West contacted us and say this tale, first reported by FoxNews.com, and say that he was never going to go to Comic-Con so there was no appearance to cancel: "The story you have posted about Ryan Reynolds is completely untrue. Warner Brothers never planned to have Green Lantern as part of their panel at this year's Comic Con and Ryan is in Europe shooting a film."] [Fresh News]
  
  
• Why are the men of America shunning America's deformed-thumbed walking Halloween costume, Megan Fox? According to a few men's magazines (probably staffed by gay males), the mens are tired of the Megan Foxes. Personally, I'm torn on Megan Fox. I go back and forth a lot, but after seeing her humble, witty, self-depreciating appearance on Letterman a couple of weeks ago, I want to cuddle with her and eat blueberries and watch Silver Spoon reruns on TV Land. Just saying. [Daily News and Asylum]
  
  
• Bar Refaeli is getting over Leo DiCaprio by boning a "Brazilian playboy" named Ricardo. Yep, that sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• The ridiculously beautiful Kate Beckinsale celebrated her 36th birthday out on the town in LA with Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham. [Sun]
  
  
• Marilyn Manson has had enough of scumbag journalists saying bad things about him and he took to his Myspace page to issue a threat to all of them—If they write anything bad about him, Marilyn will eat their hearts in a teriyaki stir fry. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jay-Z got a huge book deal to write a tell-all autobiography and detail his past drug-dealing and womanizing and all that kind of stuff. [Mirror]
  
  
• Kid Rock is not a fan of Twitter. When asked what he thought about it he replied, "It's gay." Yep, Kid Rock is right again, and yes, I do have a Twitter account, so I can say that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Paris Hilton is all broken up about the sex tape that made her dumb ass one of the most famous people in the world. She claims that she was betrayed and blah, blah, blah, but I think she was in on it. I could be wrong. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Chabon is taking time off from writing books to launch an anti-circumcision campaign or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was all smiles as she returned back to work yesterday after a stint in a psychiatric ward. [Daily Mail]

• Jon Gosselin may have found himself another ladyfriend, a tabloid writer named Kate no less. Her full name is Kate Major and supposedly she and Jon met doing a story on him and has a history of getting "too close" to her interview subjects. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• A new book by a former Secret Service agent says that the Bush daughters were out of control heathens who did everything in their power to defy authority and just do whatever the hell they felt like doing, kinda like their dad! [Page Six]
  
  
• Some crazy Russian guy has been issuing death threats against Britney Spears, who is so spooked by it all that she's refusing to allow her children to make the trip with her. When will Vladamir Putin stop harassing Britney Spears?! [Sun]
  
  
• Tito Jackson just doesn't understand why Michael's doctor, Conrad Murray, didn't make an effort to get help sooner on the day that he died. Murray is sort of in hiding and alleged to be the main focus of a criminal probe. [Mirror]
  
  
• John Mayer is such a dick! So back when he was dating Jessica Simpson, on her birthday, he sent her a DVD of one of his live shows as a present. In other news, why do all of Jessica Simpson's men treat her like shit on her birthday? [Page Six]
  
  
• A scary-looking Cameron Diaz partied it up in London with Jude Law at some club. It's possible that The Sun obtained the worst photo ever taken of Diaz to attach to the item. [Sun]
  
  
• Patrick Swayze is looking like his health may be improving. The British tabloids are all running a picture of a relatively healthy-looking Swayze just sort of hanging out in a cowboy hat. He is apparently going through some super-duper secret revolutionary radiation treatment. [Mirror]
  
  
• Gwyneth Paltrow is pissed because the producers of Iron Man II picked Scarlett Johansson to be on the movie's poster over her. [Sun]
  
  
• The recently institutionalized Mischa Barton is rumored to have been suicidal when the LAPD arrived at her house last week. [Sun]

This time she's working with Pete Yorn. How lucky he must feel to get this opportunity. I mean I guess you can't really blame the dude, here he has ScarJo, of all people, coming up to him like "Hey how would you like to spend weeks in the studio with me and my attractive body?" And he's like sure, okay, let's do it, hell, Pete Yorn can go do his own albums later on so why would he say no? I mean she got Tom fucking Waits, America's coolest living man, to say yes, and he certainly does not need Scarlett Johansson's help, with his songs, in any way shape or form, thank you very much, so her powers of persuasion are very real, my friends.

You can listen to the first single here, which is not bad except that ScarJo has this underlying robotic quality in her voice, which is just one of the many reasons she should not be making songs. The album comes out September 8 so be sure to boycott it.
[Pic via]

At least, that's what Star magazine hears. Via The Sun:

[Johansson] has reportedly lost over 14lbs since she began working out with her Iron Man 2 co-star in preparation for the movie.

A source told Star magazine: "The pair have been doing daily workouts with Gwyneth's personal trainer TRACY ANDERSON."

Maybe Johansson can complain further about the extreme weight loss plan (as she did a couple of weeks ago in London) on Paltrow's website Goop, cementing its position as the definitive online shop of body-image horrors.

The left halves of these pictures are from Tuesday's event. The right halves are from the Met's Costume Institute Gala in May, nearly a year ago.

Perhaps the actress is prepping for a film role. Maybe she's tired of people talking about "The Johanssons." But the sudden weight loss does make one wonder whether Johansson has changed her opinion about America being "obsessed with dieting rather than focusing on eating well, exercising and living a healthy life."

Particularly if one is insane with jealousy at Johansson's frankly elegant new look.

• Glorious, crazy old Oprah has warned Rihanna that her singer boyfriend Chris Brown will definitely hit her again. "On my show, if possible" she added. [Us]
• Gossip Girl's Blake Lively would like to remind you that she's better than you, because you drink and smoke and date paparazzi and she likes to read in cafes and cook food. She added, haughtily, "I'm Blake Lively." [Showbiz Spy]
• Ten vilified, terrible bankers will finally get their chance to speak out and properly defend themselves, explaining why the Wall Street collapse wasn't their fault. While having dinner with Michael Moore. On camera. Look for the ten dumbest vilified, terrible bankers to participate. [P6]
• Scarlett Johansson likes to drink with old men. It's a shame that no old men are willing to drink with her. Not because they don't want to. Because it would likely kill them. [NYDN]
• Britney Spears has lovingly given $100,000 to "clowns with medical training" who will go help sick kids in Miami. This terrifying plan comes courtesy of her zombie psychiatrist. [NYDN]
• Rapper M.I.A. did not, in fact, name her new baby Ickitt. She says she's purposely not released the actual name. But we hear that she and her husband are actually leaning toward A.W.O.L. Either that or Yucky. [NYDN]

If you'll recall that Johansson's new husband Ryan Reynolds recently revealed a third, superfluous nipple to Rachel Ray (it wasn't as sexually incriminating as it sounds), perhaps you'll be able to read between the lines of Johansson's non sequitur rant to the Chicago Sun-Times:

Q: What is the one thing you don't understand about men?

SCARLETT: Nipples. I don't know if there is one aspect of men that I don't understand other than why they have nipples. Honestly, why? I guess it has something to do with the X chromosome. What is the function of the male nipple? Maybe we all start as androgynous creatures and then they become men?

For someone whose most minor bodily expulsions can fetch several thousand dollars, it's no surprise that Johansson finds herself dismissive of Reynolds's nipples, which despite their number, haven't seemed to add to their bottom line. Just don't start knocking the abs, Scarlett—that's where your husband gets his breadwinning power from.

• Stop draggin' their hearts around [Sun-Times]

While most discriminating critics have yet to weigh in on the film, thus avoiding a Bride Wars-esque review wasteland ahead of this Friday's wide release, one trade reporter offers this qualified recommendation — and even backhanded praise! — after last night's premiere:

[It] could easily have become the latest syrupy Hollywood romantic comedy. Instead the Ken Kwapis pic turns into a wide-ranging and noble (if, in the end, a failed) meditation on fidelity, daughterhood and the meaning of (female) happiness (and a slightly relentless vehicle for product placement). [...]

Several female friends we talked to were delighted by all the usual grace notes but slightly taken aback by, as one called it, "slightly dark." Indeed, for all its Sex and the City pretensions (it's based on a book by SATC writers, and New Line moved it to '09 to avoid bumping up against its Carrie-esque stablemate) this is a movie that at times has more in common with European arthouse relationship movies [...] than it does many Jennifer Lopez/Sandra Bullock studio confections.

Even the guys are somewhat multidimensional, the writer adds, indirectly implying that the long HJITIY delay may have just been some executives' ploy for cosmic balance upon learning the degree to which they'd emasculated Matthew McConaughey in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. No problem, New Line, we're even.

• He's just that into European romantic dramas [Risky Biz Blog]

TedSez's new line beats the original, Lonely and Miserable Actress Poses with Your Aunt Patty's Wallpaper.

Johansson's rendition of "Last Goodbye" graces the soundtrack of He's Just Not That Into You, where we imagine it might double as internal monologue when Johansson's yoga instructor moons over the emotionally noncommittal Bradley Cooper during a sad montage furnished by Pottery Barn. From the sounds of it, the actress has moved on from Tom Waits and is now channeling the tremulous Joanna Newsom; fortunately, we have inside word that Johansson's biological progenitor —the "very nice (not damn sexy), most important - CHRISTIAN young lady" the actress was cloned from—is still sticking to the Michael W. Smith songbook.

• Scarlett Johansson Covers Jeff Buckley [Stereogum]

Our hearty congratulations go out to the lucky deviant who gets to wait up all night for the UPS delivery truck, then tear into the box the next morning and lower their face into packing peanuts for a first, sinfully delicious whiff of The Girl with the Pearl Sinus Oyster. [eBay]

From eBay:

During her 12/17/08 appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Scarlett Johansson blamed her cold on The Spirit co-star Samuel L. Jackson, saying she caught it from him. She believed that for this reason her cold had some "value." During her appearance on The Tonight Show, she blew her nose into a tissue provided by Jay Leno. All proceeds of this sale will benefit USA Harvest, the charity of Scarlett Johansson's choice.

Accompanying the item description is a helpful FAQ, submitted by eBay users with more than a passing interest in the mucousy refuse (current high bid: $2,151.00). Still, not all our questions were answered, so we've compiled for you something we're calling

The Five Most Fascinating Defamer Questions Regarding Scarlett Johansson's Snotty Charity Kleenex, As Answered by Scarlett Johansson

5. Q: How do we know it wasn't cloned?
A: I'm glad you asked that! There's been a circulating rumor that I was cloned in a laboratory in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria. I assure you that I am the real Scarlett, however, and what you're bidding on won't have that tinny, cloned aftertaste.

4. Q: We hear The Spirit is pretty awful. Are its contents more awful than the contents of that tissue?
A: I'd say they are awful in different ways, but also similar in that they both contain only the colors black, red, and white.

3. Q: Why weren't you a better sport about publicizing Vicky Cristina Barcelona at Cannes? You were my muse!
A: Woody?
Q: *Click*

2. Q: Can you throw a Ryan Reynolds crispy-nap into the bargain?
A: No.

1. Q: Scarlett is a bloody cunt / L / Peace and love / [illegible] / fucker?
A. Do you want the Kleenex or not, Lindsay?

• OWN TISSUE FROM SCARLETT JOHANSSON & SAM JACKSON [eBay via Lisanti Quarterly]

Charity money! You should buy it! Though, the bid is currently over $2,000. But still it's kind of worth it. There's ScarJo DNA on that tissue. So you could make a clone. And, you know, do things with it.

Like play checkers!

"I really don't know that person. I only met her, like three times in my life,"

Of that incident, Scarlett says, "That's what I heard. I don't know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar—I mean, shockingly so, like 'Whoa, what, who are you?'"

Of course, Scarlett knows exactly who that person is, and could probably even hazard a guess at her motives: At the time of the snort-by C-wording, Johansson was coming off Woody Allen's well-received Match Point, and had several prestige projects in the pipeline. Lohan, meanwhile, was waiting out the long dry spell between her dehydration-plagued work in Herbie Fully Loaded and Just My Luck—a career drought interrupted briefly with her supporting-yodeler turn in A Prairie Home Companion. That bloody cunt was stealing her career! Oh well—[illegible]. Fucker.

• ScarJo to LiLo: "Who Are You?" [okmagazine.com]