Our tipster notes that Nancy is "just emailing everyone she knows, asking you to pass it on! So I did." As will we. No need to thank us, Nancy. Since you gave $10 million to Scientology, you need every penny.

Some pictures of the bed follow.

Ok!
"I'll Love Him Forever." This article, titled "Our Love Story," is about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "like an old married couple." Why? Because they would drive to the set of Eclipse together, and, when headed home, one would wait for the other to get out of wardrobe and makeup. Oh, and Rob is like a "human magnet" for Kristen. They love each other, etc. BREAKING: Heels are not rain boots, Suri Cruise! (See image 7) Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom are "prepping for parenthood" by getting a dog. Lindsay Lohan has been partying all night every night in the last few days. The source here is a paparazzo who follows LL. He says: "After 4, 5, 6 in the morning, she's really crazy. She screams and yells and says very mean things, even though she knows us very well." Maybe she doesn't want to be followed at 5 am? Anyway, another "friend" says Lindsay refuses to go to rehab: "We ask, we beg, but she won't listen."
Grade: F (headlice)

Us
"Her Secret Deal."
Katie Holmes is sad and lonely because she's "committed herself" to a seven-year contract and Tom tells her what to wear, how to cut her hair and when to work out. "He even told her to be pale like Nicole [Kidman]," says a source. Meanwhile, Suri is 3 going on 30 with her heels and San Pelligrino and so on. As for Katie, the mag says her "situation" will "not improve until November 2013," when her contract is up. Moving on: Recently at a West Hollywood nightclub, Lindsay Lohan shouted at two photographers: "Why don't you go find my dad? He's the one who wants the pictures." Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are stalking the stork; a source says: "Gwen has told friends she's trying for another baby." In Rob and Kristen news, they ordered the same thing for room service breakfast recently — and had it delivered to one room, which means, OMG, he slept over. A hotel staffer adds, "They were already dressed when room service was delivered." You can practically feel the magazine's disappointment! In case you're unsure of the milestones in the "Robsten" relationship, Us has provided a handy timeline (See image 8). Jon Gosselin is threatening to have a showdown on Thanksgiving because Kate Gosselin plans to invite her bodyguard, Steve Neild. A source says Jon's jealous: "Even though he knows it's over with Kate, he still can't stand the thought of her being with another man, especially Steve." Another source says Kate's constantly on the phone with Steve, "smiling like a teenager" and "I haven't heard her yell in two weeks." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston and two friends flew via private jet to the One & Only Palmilla resort in Cabo San Lucas. "On Aniston's agenda? Morning yoga sessions, lying by the pool, and being waited on hand and foot."
Grade: F (peeling scalp)

Life & Style
"Tears, Joy, And Drama At The Baby Shower."
While the magazine does not flat-out claim that it sponsored Kourtney Kardashian's baby shower, the guests drank from soda bottles decorated with with Kourtney's Life & Style cover (See image 9). And the magazine says: "Life & Style and Simmons jewelry company gave Kourtney a limited edition Hello Kitty necklace made from white gold, enamel and diamonds." Price? $950. There were 84 guests at the party, and they got chocolate Louboutin shoes and swag bags — it was a publicity event, not a baby shower. Each sister gave an exclusive interview to the magazine, which is where the "drama" comes in — Khloe and Kim used to hate Kourtney's baby daddy Scott Disick, because he was accused of cheating on Kourtney, but now they like him, because "he's done small things" like putting the crib together. And he got a job. With QuickTrim. For which the Kardashians are spokesmodels. Moving on: Michael Lohan is trashing Jon Gosselin and the way he treated Kate Major: "You sleep with a woman, you gain her confidence by saying you're going to hire her, then you use her like that?I spoke to Stephanie Santoro, and it was the same thing." Here are three ways Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are copying Angelina and Brad: First they denied they were in a relationship; then they get people used to the idea of them as a couple with an intimate photo shoot in a fashion magazine; then they GRADUALLY show PDA (see image 10). Also inside: Michael Lohan says: "I will not release another audio tape about Lindsay. I did it because I wanted Lindsay to know how I felt when I heard that tape. When I get a phone call at 2, 3, 4, 5 in the morning from my daughter and she's in dire straits, I get very concerned." Lastly: Michael Jackson's funeral cost $1,146,518.62, and the mag itemizes that receipt for you (See image 11).
Grade: D- (clumps of hair falling out)

In Touch
"Yes! They'll Reunite!"
Re: The cover image: Do you love how they are Photoshopped together, with her arm disappearing into his chest? The cover copy reads: "Jen waits for Brad at the resort they love." But inside, what they mean is: She went to a hotel in Mexico she'd been to with Brad and "waited" for him to text her. "After a few glasses of wine on November 13, his pal reveals that Jen ducked away from her group of friends and exchanged a series of text messages with Brad that crossed the line from friendly to downright flirtatious." Oh, and you know how two tell-all books about Brangelina are coming out? Angelina's "tarnished" image is driving Brad away, and he thinks she's brought this on herself because of her addiction to attention. The copy reads: "Brad isn't worried about how the books will affect Angelina, but how they might hurt their children." A source says: "Maddox is old enough to Google his mom now, and Brad is afraid he'll get hurt." Jen's friend says: "Brad seems haggard. All Jen wants to to when she sees him is give him a big hug and tell him he'll be fine." Oh, and Brad and Jen have reconnected over Norman, Jen's sick dog — who used to be Brad's dog, too. Also inside: Geena Davis may have put on 50 lbs. Jennifer Garner may have lost 35 lbs. Britney Spears is in a "race to the altar." She's expecting Jason Trawick to propose over Christmas, and she wants to get married in the summer of 2010. Wait, is that a race? She wants bridesmaids, a gown and a four-tiered cake — a traditional wedding. (What, no pimps and hos sweatsuits?) "Britney wants to tie the knot ASAP to insure that Jason won't leave her again." She also wants her dad's conservatorship to end. Oh, and her dad wants her to start on another album after her tour, while Jason wants her to take a break — and he thinks her family is using her. Next: When Sarah Palin was on Oprah's show, things backstage were "tense." Did Nicole Kidman have a boob job? (See image 12) BREAKING: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were spotted getting off of a plane in Paris and HOLDING HANDS. "She grinned from ear to ear and snuggled into him happily," a source says. "They're obviously a couple and definitely in love." During their European trip, they booked separate rooms, but she ordered breakfast and coffee for two the day after they arrived. Lastly: a 41-year-old man named Matthew Roberts was adopted as a baby and found his birth mom in 1997, and she told him he was conceived when she was raped during a drug-fueled orgy involving Charles Manson and four other men. Why this story is here we have no idea, but the guy does look like Manson. (See image 13)
Grade: D- (matted hair)

Star
"Katie's $15 Million Tell All."
Since her contract expires on November 18 (TODAY), Katie is "prepared to pen an explosive and embarrassing exposé" of her life behind closed doors. She COULD get $15 million for her confessions. Like: They have separate bedrooms, and she says it's because Tom snores loudly, but Katie has hinted that they've never slept the whole night together. Tom likes it when Katie wears sexy lingerie, and Tom likes to "parade around the house in military uniforms," similar to the ones he wore in Top Gun, A Few Good Men and Valkyrie. "It makes him feel handsome," according to a source. Tom spends hours each day in front of the mirror, checking out his wrinkles and love handles. He also waxes his chest regularly and gets colonics. Tom lets Suri do whatever she wants and has already had to replace mahogany paneling twice in six months, because he lets her draw pictures on the walls. And! "Katie may also decide to go public about Tom's secret Scientology mobile unit. It's a black American-made van that looks like a regular vehicle on the outside, but inside it's fitted with high tech gadgets, monitors and computer equipment worth of a spy flick." A source says Tom spends a ton of time in the van: "It's how he keeps in touch with Scientologists all over the world. It's padded on the inside, so that no one can hear anything on the outside. Not too many people get to see the inside of this thing." Moving on: Did Kim Kardashian get a nose job? (See image 14). Rihanna is a "carbo-loader" who insists on fast-food feasts. And just so you know, Lady Gaga requests a hot, whole roast chicken in her tour rider. Precious star Gabby Sidibe is featured in a piece called "She's Got Style" and the copy reads, "she's a pro when it comes to turning heads." Seriously, there is not ONE crack about her weight from the magazine which does "Best & Worst Beach Bodies" regularly. (See image 15). Drew Barrymore has kicked Justin Long out of her apartment because he's a slob and started acting like a Frat boy, leaving his stuff all over the place. Someone told Jennifer Aniston that her ex, Adam Duritz, was on his way to a party — with his new ladyfriend, Emmy Rossum — so Jen "bolted out the back door." Bruce Willis took his wife Emma Heming to dinner and the owner of the restaurant mistook her for one of his daughters. Blind item! "Which actor plays a loving dad and hubby on TV, but likes to play the field in real life? While his wife cares for their kid, he hits NYC hot spots, trying to pick up young chicks." Khloe Kardashian was spotted picking up half a dozen pregnancy tests at Rite- Aid. In Brad & Angie news, they visited a museum, and the story goes, "They were so inspired by the beauty all around them that they babbled about their future family plans." Angie said: "I have a mosaic in my house. I have ancient cultures, and we celebrate everything. This year, we're doing Christmas, Kwanzaa and even Hanukkah." When asked if she was going to have one more kid, Angie said "I'm always thinking about it. I would love to." Brad said: "You never know." Fantasia Barrino's fans are upset because she is dating a married father of two who left his wife and kids to move in with her. He used to work in a T-mobile store and now Fantasia has his name tattooed on her chest. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake went to a Jay-Z show and guess who came out to sing "Run This Town"? Rihanna. Seeing her was "like a knife" in Jessica's heart, but Justin danced and sang along. "Jessica stood there like a fool… trying not to cry." The New Moon promotional tour took Rob to Japan and Kristen to South America, and when they were apart, Rob realized he couldn't live without Kristen. So then there's some stuff in here for the Twihards: When Rob and Kristen stayed in that hotel in Paris, he arranged for the staff to place dozens of roses around the room — there were flower petals covering the floor and bed and lit candles everywhere when she walked in. The two are planning to get married once all the Twilight craze dies down. Which is never. They might elope in London. Finally: "Wow, Jen's New Bikini Body" is about how in Mexico, Ms. Aniston's belly was slightly rounder and she ate everything she wanted: "Could she be getting ready to be a mom?" A source says Jen's been hooking up with John Mayer — and they haven't always been careful. The "pal" reminds us: "Just because she's single doesn't mean she can't get pregnant!"
Grade: D+ (dandruff)

From Ok!

From Us

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Star

From Star

From the Sydney Morning Herald:

Senator Xenophon yesterday used parliamentary privilege to attack the church, after being contacted by a number of former Scientologists who accused the organisation of ''shocking'' crimes.

''Scientology is not a religious organisation; it is a criminal organisation that hides behind its so-called religious beliefs,'' he told the Senate.

''The letters received by me which were written by former followers in Australia contain extensive allegations of crimes and abuses that are truly shocking - crimes against them and crimes they say they were coerced into committing.

[snip]

Senator Xenophon said their correspondence implicated the organisation in a range of crimes, including forced imprisonment, coerced abortions, embezzlement of church funds, physical violence, intimidation and blackmail.

We can't imagine a more appropriately named crusader to take on Scientology in Australia—where, by the way, it has spent an extraordinary amount of resources and developed a strong foothold. We have to think that "The Rise of Xenophon" was prophesied somewhere by L. Ron Hubbard, and that his followers are rummaging through the archives as we speak searching desperately for written instructions on how to defeat him.

The letters from former members that Xenophon introduced included allegations of torture and the horrible tale of one man who lost two children to what he claims are Scientology-related accidents—one died after she fell down the stairs while wandering unattended in a church building, and another died after ingesting potassium chloride, allegedly used in the "purification rundown," at his house.

The church responded that the allegations are from "disgruntled former members who use hate speech."

Here's Freedom's response to that excellent series. (Yes, I'm linking it twice - it seems like an expensive project and they might as well get some clicks out of it.)

And here's an excerpt from the ad on journalismjobs.com, via Romenesko via True/Slant:

Freedom, published by the Church of Scientology since 1968, covers human rights and social betterment issues and does investigative reporting in the public interest. Projects for this particular assignment are in the Tampa Bay, Florida area for the most part, but investigation can be conducted by phone and through Internet research.

Part of the ad reveals Freedom's motto: "investigative reporting in the public interest." Which is firmly in the tradition of Fox News and various dictatorships (the 'Democratic Republic' always means 'the hideous dictatorship'). The church are not afraid to get personal when they feel they've been slighted, which is all the time, and I've emailed the address listed on the job listing to ask precisely which 'human rights and social betterment issues" they want reporters in the Tampa Bay area to look into.

Socketside heard Cruise was the buyer of an $18 million mansion in the ritzy Sea Cliff neighborhood. NBC Bay Area soon pointed out that, if that's true, Cruise's neighbors would be Robin Williams, Cheech Marin and the guitarist from Metallica. It's like the Bay Area's very own stunted little fog-swept Beverly Hills. But many locals will remember that the Church of Scientology was on the hunt for "apparent expansion" space starting in 2006, nosing around the once countercultural North Beach neighborhood.

So is Cruise, the alleged inspirer of Scientology beat-downs, spearheading a renewed expansion campaign by the cult to which he belongs? Maybe, or maybe said SF mansion is just being bought by another local tech exec like Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, per a SocketSite update:

Another reader quickly notes the mailing address for the purchasing LLC ("Tawaraya") is that of "a high-end accounting firm in Walnut Creek" which happens to advise Larry Ellison (amongst others). And The Real Estalker adds, "Tawaraya is a super posh and searingly expensive, 300-year old ryokan–which is essentially a Japanese bed and breakfast sort of place–located in Kyoto" which is rather Ellison-esque.

Oh great, more Larry Ellison dick waving. Don't we at least deserve some fresh megalomaniac mansion owners, out here?

Rush & Molloy, when you deliver, you deliver. Naturally, Scientology spokescreature Tommy Davis and Cruise's lawyer Bert Fields have already disputed the claim, but parts of what Rathbun told the New York Daily News gossips are just too wildly outlandish and extreme to go so far as to believe they're completely without merit, and Rathbun's claims have been backed before in the St. Petersburg Times by several other defectors.

Basically, it boils down to this: whenever Tom Cruise was around, Scientology leader David Miscavige would have "the Tom Cruise arrival preparation drill" which consisted of orchestrating every single move they would make around Scientology's superstar. But that's not the catch. Here's where it gets interesting:

Miscavige had imprisoned Marc Yager, Guillaume Leserve and Ray Mithoff, three Scientology members who were being interrogated. Miscavige was berating Scientology managers for not being hard enough on the three in order to extract confessions from them. And by "hard enough," he means "you haven't sufficiently beat the shit out of them." This is insane:

"Miscavige berated [the managers] for being far too light in their demands for confessions" from the three, Rathbun alleges in his letter, "because they refused to beat [them] ... to pulps. Miscavige said that Tom … had vowed to come to the Hole and personally ‘beat the living [bleep]' out of Yager, Leserve and Mithoff if the managers failed to do so themselves. "In response, the mob rushed at the three targeted gentlemen," Rathbun claimed. "Fists flew and feet kicked into the three. They continued to pound until … each had two black eyes."

Right? This goes hand in hand (or rather: fist in hand) with what the St. Petersburg Times has been reporting, especially considering the multiple reports of Miscavige taking part in violence against other members himself that have surfaced. Spokesthing Tommy Davis' response:

Yager, Leserve and Mithoff have all provided sworn affidavits stating they were not assaulted, and that numerous witnesses have also testified that Miscavige never invoked Cruise's name.

Right, the out-and-out denials without any concessions. Naturally. Rathbun's already confessed to taking part in beatdowns like these when he was a member. Miscavige might not have invoked Cruise's name in this instance—we'll never know—but it's hard to imagine him not invoking His Holy Maverick as a threat against other members. But it feels like the Daily News really buried the lede, here: Cruise lawyer Burt Fields threatening to sue Marty Rathbun if he reveals what was in Tom Cruise's audit file.

Responds Fields: "I would be surprised if David Miscavige was beating people up." And while he says "Tom is not a very litigious person," he said he will sue Rathbun if he reveals what was discussed during "audit" sessions where the actor shared confidences with Rathbun. He may not need to worry about that. Rathbun tells us, "I would never reveal what Tom told me, not if a gun were put to my head. Unlike the church, which does, I actually hold those secrets sacrosanct."

That's certainly interesting, considering the Church already opened up their audit files to the St. Petersburg Times in order to publicly shame defecting members. Interesting how they have yet to open up recent defector Paul Haggis' audit file. Paul Haggis, when he recently defected from Scientology, cited the opening of the audit files as one of the main reasons why he had to leave the church. Also: Tom Cruise had audit sessions? And Marty Rathbun—who defected—was in them?

It's only a matter of time before this guy tells people what happened in Cruise's audit sessions. And Marty, if you're listening, I promise you: we have a very open ear (and wallet).

So, okay: Tommy Davis is having meltdowns on network television and then knocking on ABC's door to make them take the story down. Reports of defectors being stalked by Scientology's private investigators are surfacing. Reports of Miscavige freaking out and beating members came out earlier this year. Paul Haggis defected, John Travolta openly defied them, high level members are defecting, everyone's running their mouths. And now Tom Cruise's American bankability—and the power he once held in the entertainment industry—is dwindling by the day. Remember that time he jumped on Oprah's couch four years ago? Keep it in mind, because it's beginning to look the very first pin being pulled from Scientology's foundation now that all the other pieces are falling down around it.

Maybe Scientology has some good intentions for its members; many religions and spiritual orientations do, whether you call it a cult or otherwise. But one thing keeps getting clearer and clearer: the draconian culture of celebrity worship and the despotic bureaucracy and culture of fear keeps making Scientology look worse, and worse, and worse.

Scientology refugee Marc Headley has written a book called Blown For Good—featuring a dramatic, action-scene-type cover—detailing his 15 years of work inside Scientology. The Village Voice interviewed him about his 1990 "auditing" session performed by Days of Thunder-era Tom Cruise himself.

"You do a lot of things with a book and a bottle," Headley says. "It's known as the book-and-bottle routine." Cruise, he says, would instruct Headley to speak to a book, telling it to stand up, or to sit down, or otherwise to move somewhere.

"You do the same with the bottle. You talk to it. You do it with an ashtray too," he says. "You tell the ashtray, 'Sit in that chair.' Then you actually go over and put the ashtray on the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle, and the book. And you do this for hours and hours."

This was supposed " to get your intention over to the bottle...to rehabilitate your ability to control things." Well then. Tom Cruise can control books and bottles with his mind and don't ever let anyone tell you different.

Headley also says that there are only about 10,000 Scientologists in the whole world. They could be whupped by the Unitarians!
[Village Voice. Pic by Richard Blakeley]

When you leave the Church of Scientology, in Church lingo, you "blew." Easy cracks on Scientology's stances against homosexuality (and high-profile, supposedly-closeted celebrity members) aside, it's already been made very clear that leaving Scientology is no easy task. Stalking, harassment, and physical intimidation have all been reported. In their latest report, the St. Petersburg Times reports several instances of this kind of thing happening. They look to quote hotheaded, scary Scientology spokescreature Tommy Davis, and ended up with this:

[Scientology leader David] Miscavige "redefines the term 'religious leader,' " Davis said, while some of the Times sources are on the "lunatic fringe'' of anti-Scientology. He said they are the real villains, who Miscavige dismissed for "suborning perjury, obstruction of justice and wasting millions of dollars of parishioner funds.'' He accused the Times of "naked bias" and engaging in tabloid journalism. "You have a few petty allegations,'' Davis said. "In fact, all you have is a few people who left a religion after committing destructive acts and are now complaining about what they did while in the church.''

Among those people the Times has previously spoken to include Mike Rinder who was the Scientology's official spokesman for 20 years before defecting. Oscar-winning director Paul Haggis recently cited Davis denouncing Rinder as one of the things that caused him to defect. So how do they pull them back once they've left?

Besides the aforementioned intimidation tactics? They had operatives "infiltrate" Scientology-defection groups to spy on them. They use the waivers Scientology members sign when they join the Church to open mail, including credit card statements, to locate the missing members. And they take members who turn themselves in after running away, and lock them in a cabin of the Church's cruise ship against their will. But then the Times turns to a special story about the chef who cooked at the wedding of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. It's a particularly chilling tale, but the short version is: the cook invested a lot of time and money into joining Scientology and being able to cook at the wedding of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. His expenses weren't being reimbursed and the honeymoon with Scientology quickly ended for him and his wife. They wanted to get out. There are "blow drills" (which is essentially a simulation of Scientology sounding a "prison break" alarm), high-speed car chases that the Church refuses to comment on, and the "ethics files" that they used to intimidate former members into coming back for fear of exposure. But the most insane are the private investigators they sent after the former Scientology cook. Observe:

"We looked at each other and we just went, 'Oh my God! Oh my God! What do we do now?' " Wolff said. "I was shaking. I was nervous. I was like … 'What do we say?' "There was no thought to refusing to open the door or telling the group to go away. Parman and Wolff were so unnerved that they reacted with compliance. They invited the group into the family room. The Scientology entourage included Morehead, two other base security officers and two private investigators.

They were searched for anything on Cruise, and then went through a "Sec" process, where they're rehabbed back into Scientology. They went through this once more before finally leaving for good, and the extent Scientology worked to get them back is absurd.

You would think, though, that they would learn something about the laws of resistance. The more Scientology pulls, the more tension will be stretched out, and the more these members are going to have to say. Even more so: the more attention they draw to Cruise, their most prized possession, the more scrutiny he'll be under. Not so much. Whether it's ego, hubris, megalomaniac impulses, or just plain-old religious fervor, Scientology's going to keep pulling, and keep denying. The question then remains: when are they going to start to be prosecuted?

Their intimidation tactics certainly—on some levels—sound illegal. Maybe they're not. But there's little doubt that the line's been crossed in Scientology at some point, with somebody. With their loose-cannon spokesman Davis, their high-profile defections, and more to inevitably come, someone saying something (or better yet, providing proof) can't really be that far off. In the mean time, all we can do is wait. And place a few decent bets.

After causing a ruckus in Rome, and stirring up chaos in Nashville, the Church of Scientology came down on D.C. today to reveal their new "Ideal Org" building, which is apparently like Scientology's version of the special McDonalds that serve all the new special things that the rest of America has to wait for first, or something: it's a special super-awesome Scientology outpost.

To help assist the citizens of D.C. welcome it, they shut down a huge street, hung giant sheets, and tried to scatter and rid themselves of protesters. Via DCist:

Police are out in full force around the humongous 50,000-square foot building, and security is tight — a ten-foot tall white temporary barricade is blocking off 16th Street; there are huge draping banners reading "SCIENTOLOGY" and "DIANETICS", though, in case those walking by on their Saturday jaunts to the 14th and P retail corridor were wondering what the hell was going on with this big white thing in the middle of the street.

Ohhhh. That's why those people are creepily going through that gigantic white sheet. Wonder what's on the other side of it? I know! It's a small man with scary eyes named David Miscavage. He's the head of Scientology and he talked to his Scientology followers today.

There're way fun things in this picture! See if you can spot the guy in the anti-psychology jacket. And important Scientologists! And the guy in the peach-colored shirt who looks like he's missing his head. And here're more people ready for Miscavage to rock their faces:

There're also the people waving French flags outside this joint in honor of France's recent ruling against Scientology "fleecing" followers. Fleecing, indeed.

Looks like they keep on keepin' on after the awful week they just had, between Tommy Davis' freakouts and Paul Haggis' resignation from the church. So, basically, your typical Scientology shitshow. If you have any reports from what was said on the inside, let's hear 'em.

Do you think Paul Haggis' public defection opened the floodgates? Put your money where your mouth is. Lines are only open on 11 seemingly randomly chosen Scientology celebs. If any of these people do publicly renounce Scientology, some tabloid reporters are going to make a lot of money on it if they find out first. Here's our handicapping, such as it is:

John Travolta, 9:4
Rumors are swirling in the wake of his admission, contrary to Scientology dogma, that autism exists, and that his deceased son Jett suffered from it. But Travolta doubled down on the cult in July, announcing through his rep that he would be a Scintologist "now and forever," which basically means he knows that if he leaves his former co-religionists will leak all the gay-sounding stuff he said during his auditing sessions.

Katie Holmes, 3:1
We sort of doubt it, since she probably wants to see her daughter again.

Lisa Marie Presley, 4:1
Perhaps. We got a tip not long ago that Presley had blown the church, but her rep denied it. Again, they have files on her—and all of their members—which makes this whole exercise slightly academic. Maybe it would be more fruitful to bet on which vicious rumors will soon begin circulating about Paul Haggis.

Jason Lee, 6:1
Scientology gave him his career, and it can take it away. So no.

Priscilla Presley, 8:1
She and Lisa Marie will probably stay or go together.

Chaka Khan, 10:1
Huh. Who knew?

Nancy Cartwright, 12:1
Long odds are deserved—the Simpsons actor gave $10 million to the church just two years ago.

Brandy, 14:1
There are internet rumors that she turned her back on the church after a 2006 car accident. Combine that with the long odds, and she might be the best bet.

Beck, 18:1
Beck grew up in the church, as did his wife. So he's more likely to view the current trouble rocking the cult as a crisis in his religion that needs to be addressed rather than proof that it is, indeed, a cult.

Kirstie Alley, 25:1
She reacted to Paul Haggis' defection on Twitter in true Scientology style, by denying everything he said. So she's in for the long haul.

Tom Cruise, 50:1
Stranger things have happened.

CORRECTION: We initially described Paddy Power as a British bookmaker. It's actually an Irish company.

[Via New Humanist.]

Scientology has a long history of spastic, sweaty spokespersons with creepy laughs who eventually crack under the pressure and leave the organization. There was Robert Vaughn Young, who publicly renounced the church in 1989 after decades in its leadership. He was followed by Mike Rinder, an unhinged Australian bulldog who decided to stop lying for church leader David Miscavige last year and spoke out publicly about the cult's bizarre and arbitrary cruelty in June.

The latest inheritor of Young and Rinder's mantle as the unsettling public face of scientology is Tommy Davis, the head of the cult's Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles. Davis lived up to the role last week by walking out on ABC News's Martin Bashir during a Nightline interview after Bashir asked him about Xenu, the intergalactic warlord that Hubbard believed is responsible for saddling us all with a bunch of crazy body thetans.

So who is this guy, and how long before he cracks up and turns against the church like all the rest?

• He's a Hollywood scion.
  Davis, 37, is the son of actress Anne Archer and Jeffrey Davis, a real estate investor. According to Rolling Stone's Janet Reitman, Davis "freely admits to being a Hollywood rich kid. He dresses in Italian suits, drives a BMW and is addicted to his Blackberry. 'I have enough money to never work a day in my life,' he says."
• He's Tom Cruise's BFF.
  According to the Daily Beast's Kim Masters, Davis spent nearly a decade as Cruise's "personal, full-time, assigned Scientology handler." Claire Headley, a former Scientologist who left the cult five years ago, tells Masters: "'He filtered everything, reported on what [Cruise] was doing to [Church of Scientology leader] David Miscavige.' Officially, Davis was assigned to the church's president's office in the Celebrity Centre, she continues, but he was essentially with Cruise full-time from the late 1990s until 2005." Davis worked intimately with Miscavige on the deeply strange Tom Cruise tribute video that was leaked to Gawker last year.
• He goes for stunts.
  When the BBC's John Sweeney decided to make a documentary about Scientology two years ago for Panorama, Davis and his then-colleague Rinder decided to make a "counter-documentary," and succeeded in goading Sweeney into an angry outburst that they caught on camera and distributed widely in order to discredit him. Davis harangued Sweeney mercilessly in the middle of Scientology's graphic "Psychiatry: Industry of Death" exhibit, and Sweeney later said of his enraged response: "I felt they were trying to control my mind." In the course of the same documentary, Davis walked out of an interview after Sweeney called Scientology a "sinister cult." After walking out on Bashir last week, Davis reportedly showed up unannounced at ABC News headquarters less than an hour before Nightline's airtime and demanded that the piece be spiked. He was rebuffed.
• He probably doesn't know what he's talking about.
  While Davis has said in the past that he is "familiar with" the "confidential scriptures" of Scientology that tell the story of Xenu, he's also told CNN's John Roberts that talk of "space parasites" is "unrecognizable to me." Discussions of Xenu are strictly verboten among Scientologists who haven't yet reached, and paid for, the OT-III—or Operating Thetan, level three—step on the cult's "bridge to total freedom," during which Xenu's exploits are revealed. Members are told that if they hear about Xenu before their minds are properly prepared, it will make them retarded, insane, or even kill them. Masters speculates that Davis' dumbfounded reaction to Bashir's question may have been genuine:

  Headley suspects Tommy Davis has never participated in upper-level training in which the story of Xenu would have actually been revealed. She thinks that may be why he walked out of the Nightline interview when asked about it. "In Scientology, no one can talk about it, whether you've done it or not," she says. "If you talk about it when you're not up to that level, you can be banned from ever doing it."

  Davis wouldn't tell her whether he'd reached OT-III, but according to a partial database of Scientology course completions gleaned from announcements in church publications, he hasn't.

• He's a "drug revert" and all around troublemaker.
  Masters says Davis has a reputation for mischief. He was a "happy-go-lucky" teen who was caught smoking pot, which makes him in church parlance a "drug revert" and should have barred him from serving in the cult's leadership. Davis denies being a revert. But he has, according to Masters, gotten into more recent trouble with his superiors. After the BBC flap, Masters says, he briefly "blew" from the Sea Org and went AWOL, an infraction that earned him a stint cleaning toilets in the church's Clearwater, Fla., international headquarters—though Masters doesn't use the term, it certainly sounds like Davis was shunted off to the "Rehabilitation Project Force," the church's punitive gulag for staff members who fall out of line. Davis' former friend, ex-Scientologist Jason Beghe, told the Village Voice last year that he could see from the look on Davis' face during a CNN interview that he'd been RFP'd.
• He probably won't last long.
  Davis hasn't been doing a great job. The Nightline interview was another in a string of embarrassments for the church, and Paul Haggis' high-profile defection over the weekend—announced in an open letter to Davis—is likely not sitting well with Miscavige. Davis' job is to "handle" anyone who would do harm to the church's reputation, and his tenure thus far has been marked by a string of pile-ups—angry confrontations; Haggis' defection; John Travolta's acknowledgment that, contrary to church dogma, autism is real; the St. Petersburg Times' devastating series detailing the revelations of high-profile defectors about Miscavige's violent and insane regime. He also has personal relationships with people who've left the church—he worked with Rinder, and was close friends with Beghe—and has left the reservation before. How much abuse and lying can he take before he follows them out the door?

Except that France, in its liberal, socialist, cheese-eating wisdom does not classify Scientology as a religion. It classifies it as a sect. In fact only an arcane recent change in the law prevented prosecutors banning it, and thus most of Hollywood, outright. Instead they had to be content with fining the Church's Celebrity Center and Bookshop in Paris $900,000. They slapped a one-year suspended jail sentence and a $45,000 fine on the Church's leader in France, Alain Rosenberg, for good measure.

One of the women had been approached to take a 'personality test' in the street and then pressured into buying a bunch of crap, including an electrometer to measure mental energy. The other was forced to undergo testing and undertake expensive courses by her Scientologist employer, then fired when she eventually refused. "Religious freedom is in danger in this country," responded Church spokesman Eric Roux, pictured above, in an interview with Agence France Presse after the verdict.

French lawmakers say they've now figured out the legal wranglings required to ban the church, and if they offend again they're in real danger of being made illegal. It's not been a good week to believe in Xenu.

• Scientology flack Creepy McReminds-Me-Of-Tom-Cruise (real name Tommy Davis) walked out on Martin Bashir on Nightline, saying he wouldn't discuss "disgusting perversions" of his faith. Or, if you notice, deny said "disgusting perversions" about Xenu and volcanoes (because they're probably true.) Page Six reports that he then came back to the ABC studio 45 minutes before the show was set to air and tried to get it canned. Security guards and staffers, probably ridden with thetans, told him he couldn't speak to Bashir or the executive producer and that the show would run unchanged. This made Davis sad. As senior church members probably aren't allowed to savagely beat junior minions any more, we can only guess how he dealt with this crimp in his Sunday evening. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brooke Hundley, the 22-year-old ESPN production assistant who Steve Phillips was fired for sleeping with, has also been hefted out of the network. Perhaps not surprising considering she went 431 kinds of crazy after she got dumped by Phillips, and blew the whole thing. Most importantly though, the Post has a new insult-to-injury description of the pudgy paramour: "schlubby seductress." [New York Post]
  
  
• The stalker Justin Timberlake had to restraining-order last week apparently has eclectic taste in music. And by music I mean musicians. TMZ points out that Karen Jane McNeil also had a restraining order filed against her by Lars Ulrich of Metallica back in March. She's not allowed within 150 yards of the band, their families and the people who run the fan club (the last one just makes me sad at the caliber of modern stalkers). She's also banned from going near Axl Rose. Kenny Loggins, watch your back! [TMZ]
  
  
• Diane Von Furstenburg got mugged in Madrid while in town to pick up an award. "I just got robbed in the street in front of the Thyssen museum . . . My wallet, cash and all my credit cards!!" Tweeted DVF. Before adding "I am totally fine!! I hope it the worst thing that will happen to me. Getting a big prize tomorrow so going to sleep now." [Page Six]
  
  
• Ah, Phil Spector. You just can't stop underlining the kind of charming eccentricities that landed you in jail for murder. He once sent his friend, celebrity lawyer Marvin Mitchelson his romantic version of how a pre-nup should read: "1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hands, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. 8. If I think it's fine, it's mine. 9. If it is near me, it's mine. 10. If it's broccoli, it's yours." [Page Six]
  
  
• Talking of potential pre-nups: Renee Zellweger plans to spend the holidays in Philadelphia with the family of her boyfriend Bradley Cooper. "Renee and Bradley are crazy about each other," says 'a source'. Come on source, come up with a more original line than that. How about "Renee and Bradley fucking loathe each other but are desperately insecure and always have to be dating someone else famous"? Whether it's true or not it beats the same old "this definitely solidifies how serious they are" and "they're really trying to keep this under the radar," crap we get every time Mr. or Mrs. Source-Close-To picks up the phone on this kind of story. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ivanka Trump will stay kosher for Jared Kushner. Also, the swag bags at their wedding featured flip-flops with the tag "Ivanka and Jared - what a pair" on them. Which goes to prove that swag at every event, even the joining of extraordinarily rich families, now sucks. [Cindy Adams]
  
  
• A-Rod and Kate Hudson celebrated the Yankees' win by going to Serafina on the Upper East Side. A few tables away was Hideki Matsui, also celebrating. For some reason the civilized nature of these celebrations upsets me. [Page Six]
  
  
• Teen Vogue are working on a new reality TV show because they miss having Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port around the place, apparently. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Gervais will present the Golden Globes. And has a "free rein," which seems to predict at least one or two awkward moments. [Sky News]
  
  

The entire letter to—of all people—creepy Church spokescreature Tommy Davis is below, but here are the highlights: Haggis has been asking the church to resign their support of Proposition 8. He registered his distaste for the church's stances on homosexuality via phone calls and letters. Davis told Haggis that "heads would roll" over this about ten months ago. Davis apparently drew up a press release he showed to Haggis, which eventually got canned. Haggis views the church's actions as "cowardly," and thus, after thirty-five years of membership, is resigning.

Furthermore, Haggis saw Davis' interview on CNN, when Davis denied the existence of a "disconnection" policy in which the church orders members to cut non-members out of their lives, as they pose some kind of negative threat towards the work of the church in members' lives.

It's a policy that's been well documented in the press, but especially by the reporting done by the St. Petersburg Times, who've chronicled many members who were once forced to "disconnect" people from their lives. Then comes another bomb: Haggis' wife cut off contact with her parents when they defected from the church. And then another: Haggis cites the aforementioned reporting by the St. Petersburg Times, which including some of Scientology's most high-profile defectors in its history, as accurate and astonishing, considering the level of the defectors. "Say what you will about them now," writes Haggis, "[but] these were staunch defenders of the church, including Mike Rinder, the church's official spokesman for 20 years!" Scientology has claimed that their high-profile defectors hold personal grudges against them for demotions and other bureaucratic failings.

Haggis' final bomb, which is going to ring true to many, many Scientologists on every level, is about that same St. Petersburg Times report, in which the Church dredged up old documents and audits on their members to expose salacious, damning details about their personal lives to paint their defection as a cover for their personal indiscretions. Haggis found this, apparently, to be the first in a series of straws that broke a 35 year-old camel's back.

The bottom line is this: this is bad, bad news for the Church. Besides the fact that so many of the church's most high-profile members have long been subject to gossipy speculation of being gay—to name a few: Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Will Smith—the Church is now going to have to (A) take a stance on homosexuality, (B) come out against Haggis, one of the most revered, successful writer-directors of the last decade, or (C) stay quiet and look even sketchier than they already did after Tommy Davis blew up on national television earlier this weekend.

And it also doesn't help them that Church defector Marty Rathburn has apparently confirmed the letter's legitimacy as definitely coming from Haggis.

So: this ought to be interesting to watch play out, no?

Tommy,

As you know, for ten months now I have been writing to ask you to make a public statement denouncing the actions of the Church of Scientology of San Diego. Their public sponsorship of Proposition 8, a hate-filled legislation that succeeded in taking away the civil rights of gay and lesbian citizens of California – rights that were granted them by the Supreme Court of our state – shames us.

I called and wrote and implored you, as the official spokesman of the church, to condemn their actions. I told you I could not, in good conscience, be a member of an organization where gay-bashing was tolerated.

In that first conversation, back at the end of October of last year, you told me you were horrified, that you would get to the bottom of it and "heads would roll." You promised action. Ten months passed. No action was forthcoming. The best you offered was a weak and carefully worded press release, which praised the church's human rights record and took no responsibility. Even that, you decided not to publish.

The church's refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites and homophobes is cowardly. I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent.

I joined the Church of Scientology thirty-five years ago. During my twenties and early thirties I studied and received a great deal of counseling. While I have not been an active member for many years, I found much of what I learned to be very helpful, and I still apply it in my daily life. I have never pretended to be the best Scientologist, but I openly and vigorously defended the church whenever it was criticized, as I railed against the kind of intolerance that I believed was directed against it. I had my disagreements, but I dealt with them internally. I saw the organization – with all its warts, growing pains and problems – as an underdog. And I have always had a thing for underdogs.

But I reached a point several weeks ago where I no longer knew what to think. You had allowed our name to be allied with the worst elements of the Christian Right. In order to contain a potential "PR flap" you allowed our sponsorship of Proposition 8 to stand. Despite all the church's words about promoting freedom and human rights, its name is now in the public record alongside those who promote bigotry and intolerance, homophobia and fear.

The fact that the Mormon Church drew all the fire, that no one noticed, doesn't matter. I noticed. And I felt sick. I wondered how the church could, in good conscience, through the action of a few and then the inaction of its leadership, support a bill that strips a group of its civil rights.

This was my state of mind when I was online doing research and chanced upon an interview clip with you on CNN. The interview lasted maybe ten minutes – it was just you and the newscaster. And in it I saw you deny the church's policy of disconnection. You said straight-out there was no such policy, that it did not exist.

I was shocked. We all know this policy exists. I didn't have to search for verification – I didn't have to look any further than my own home.

You might recall that my wife was ordered to disconnect from her parents because of something absolutely trivial they supposedly did twenty-five years ago when they resigned from the church. This is a lovely retired couple, never said a negative word about Scientology to me or anyone else I know – hardly raving maniacs or enemies of the church. In fact it was they who introduced my wife to Scientology.

Although it caused her terrible personal pain, my wife broke off all contact with them. I refused to do so. I've never been good at following orders, especially when I find them morally reprehensible.

For a year and a half, despite her protestations, my wife did not speak to her parents and they had limited access to their grandchild. It was a terrible time.

That's not ancient history, Tommy. It was a year ago.

And you could laugh at the question as if it was a joke? You could publicly state that it doesn't exist?

To see you lie so easily, I am afraid I had to ask myself: what else are you lying about?

And that is when I read the recent articles in the St. Petersburg Times. They left me dumbstruck and horrified.

These were not the claims made by "outsiders" looking to dig up dirt against us. These accusations were made by top international executives who had devoted most of their lives to the church. Say what you will about them now, these were staunch defenders of the church, including Mike Rinder, the church's official spokesman for 20 years!

Tommy, if only a fraction of these accusations are true, we are talking about serious, indefensible human and civil rights violations. It is still hard for me to believe. But given how many former top-level executives have said these things are true, it is hard to believe it is all lies.

"...the same face that denied the policy of disconnection"

And when I pictured you assuring me that it is all lies, that this is nothing but an unfounded and vicious attack by a group of disgruntled employees, I am afraid that I saw the same face that looked in the camera and denied the policy of disconnection. I heard the same voice that professed outrage at our support of Proposition 8, who promised to correct it, and did nothing.

I carefully read all of your rebuttals, I watched every video where you presented the church's position, I listened to all your arguments – ever word. I wish I could tell you that they rang true. But they didn't.

I was left feeling outraged, and frankly, more than a little stupid.

And though it may seem small by comparison, I was truly disturbed to see you provide private details from confessionals to the press in an attempt to embarrass and discredit the executives who spoke out. A priest would go to jail before revealing secrets from the confessional, no matter what the cost to himself or his church. That's the kind of integrity I thought we had, but obviously the standard in this church is far lower – the public relations representative can reveal secrets to the press if the management feels justified. You even felt free to publish secrets from the confessional in Freedom Magazine – you just stopped short of labeling them as such, probably because you knew Scientologists would be horrified, knowing you so easily broke a sacred vow of trust with your parishioners.

How dare you use private information in order to label someone an "adulteress?" You took Amy Scobee's most intimate admissions about her sexual life and passed them onto the press and then smeared them all over the pages your newsletter! I do not know the woman, but no matter what she said or did, this is the woman who joined the Sea Org at 16! She ran the entire celebrity center network, and was a loyal senior executive of the church for what, 20 years? You want to rebut her accusations, do it, and do it in the strongest terms possible – but that kind of character assassination is unconscionable.

So, I am now painfully aware that you might see this an attack and just as easily use things I have confessed over the years to smear my name. Well, luckily I have never held myself up to be anyone's role model.

The great majority of Scientologists I know are good people who are genuinely interested in improving conditions on this planet and helping others. I have to believe that if they knew what I now know, they too would be horrified. But I know how easy it was for me to defend our organization and dismiss our critics, without ever truly looking at what was being said; I did it for thirty-five years. And so, after writing this letter, I am fully aware that some of my friends may choose to no longer associate with me, or in some cases work with me. I will always take their calls, as I always took yours. However, I have finally come to the conclusion that I can no longer be a part of this group. Frankly, I had to look no further than your refusal to denounce the church's anti-gay stance, and the indefensible actions, and inactions, of those who condone this behavior within the organization. I am only ashamed that I waited this many months to act. I hereby resign my membership in the Church of Scientology.

Sincerely,

Paul Haggis

Ps. I've attached our email correspondence. At some point it became evident that you did not value my concerns about the church's tacit support of an amendment that violated the civil rights of so many of our citizens. Perhaps if you had done a little more research on me, the church's senior management wouldn't have dismissed those concerns quite so cavalierly. While I am no great believer in resumes and awards, this is what you would have discovered:

* Founder, Artists For Peace and Justice,
- sponsoring schools, an orphanage and a children's hospital in the slums of Haiti
* Co-Founder, BrandAid Foundation and BrandAid Project
- marketing the work of artisans from the poorest countries in the world,
* Board Member, Office of The Americas
- supporting peace and justice initiatives around the world
* Board Member, Center For The Advancement of Non-Violence
* Member and active supporter, Amnesty International
* Member, President's Council, Defenders of Wildlife
* Member and fundraiser, Environment California and CalPirg
* Member and Award Recipient, American Civil Liberties Union
* Member and supporter, Death Penalty Focus
* Member and supporter, Equality For All
* Fundraiser, NPH (Our Little Brothers) – for the children of the slums of Haiti
* Member, Citizens Commission on Human Rights
* Patron with Honors, IAS
And formerly:
* Trustee, Religious Freedom Trust
* Board Member and fundraiser, Hollywood Education and Literacy Project
* Board Member and fundraiser, For The Arts, For Every Child
– supporting art and music in public schools
* Board Member and fundraiser, The Christic Institute
- supporting Human Rights in Central America
* Founding Board Member, Earth Communication Office
* Working Board Member, Environmental Media Association
* Fundraiser, El Rescate – Human Rights for El Salvador
* Fundraiser, PAVA – Aid and Human Rights in Guatemala

Awards for outspoken support of Civil and Human Rights:

* Valentine Davies Award – Writers Guild of America
"for bringing honor and dignity to writers everywhere"
*Bill of Rights Award – American Civil Liberties Union
*Hubert H. Humphrey Civil Rights Award – Leadership Conference on Civil Rights
*Peace & Justice Award – Office of the Americas, presented by Daniel Ellsberg
*Signis Award, Venezia, World Catholic Association
*ALMA Award – National Council of Latino Civil Rights
*Ethel Levitt Award for Humanitarian Service – Levitt & Quinn
*Prism Award – Entertainment Industries Council
*Humanitas Prize (2) – Humanitas
*Legacy Award, for Artistic and Humanitarian Achievement
*Environmental Media Award – EMA
*EMA Green Seal Award – EMA
*Image Award – NAACP
*Creative Integrity Award – Multicultural Motion Picture Association
*EDGE Awards (2) – Entertainment Industries Council
*Artistic Freedom Award – City of West Hollywood
*Catholics in Media Award – Catholics in Media Associates

And many dozens of fundraisers and salons at our home on behalf of Human and Civil Rights, the Environment, the Peace Movement, Education, Justice and Equality.

[Photo via Getty Images]

Martin Bashir was grilling Scientology spokesthing Tommy Davis regarding Xenu, the intergalactic god who did or did not come to Earth 75 million years ago to bury his people in volcanos. Bashir asks Davis a very simple question: Do you guys believe in this crazy shit? Is Xenu and his people-pod volcano plot part of your religion? Etc. Watch what Davis does, starting at about 2:45 for context, but 3:40 if you just want to see him freak out and stomp off.

Why would Davis stomp off? Bashir wasn't asking him to explain Xenu, or justify Xenu, or even to provide context around Xenu. All he was asking was: Do you guys believe in an intergalactic God named Xenu? Is this part of your religion?

How is that an unfair line of inquiry? That's like feigning indignation at a line of inquiry asking whether or not Jews have horns. How can you? Of course we don't, you moron! But if we do, well, it's not a silly question, is it? Is it?!?

Politico's Josh Gerstein caught the news in the list of appeals that the Court declined to hear released this morning. When the Church of Scientology finally settled with the IRS in 1993 after years of litigation and black-bag operations conducted by the church against the IRS and FBI over the issue of whether Scientology was a proper religion—and thus qualified for tax-exempt status—the IRS agreed to let Scientologists deduct the cost of "auditing" from their taxes. Other poor saps in less litigious cults don't get similar allowances from the IRS, so Michael Sklar of Los Angeles sued to get the same standard applied to his own expenses for the religious education of his children.

Sklar lost in tax court and again on appeal, and today's decision by the Court ends his 15-year legal battle. Gerstein says the commitment in the 1993 settlement that allowed the deduction expired in 1999, and its not clear whether the IRS still lets Scientologists get audited tax-free. Anyway—if you pay thousands of dollars to send your kid to a yeshiva, you have to pay taxes on that. If you pay thousands of dollars to have them hold metal cans attached to a battery and tell lies about their past lives on distant planets? Eh, the feds might cut you a break. Why not?

• Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab for a third time, but her doctor says it's simply "routine." At this point, yes. [Mirror]
  
  
• Robin Williams has been asked to play Britain's Got Talent singer Susan Boyle in a biopic about her life. Sounds like a perfect fit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Singer-turned-loon Amy Winehouse has filed a £50,000 lawsuit against her former mother-in-law, who Winehouse accused of copyright infringement for selling one of her rambling love letters to her ex-husband. [The Sun]
  
  
• Ed Swiderski, the man who shocked — shocked! — the world by cheating on his Bachelorette "girlfriend" insisted he never took the show seriously. [Us]
  
  
• Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise inspired a Scientology fashion line. That says it all. [The Guardian]
  
  
• Lesbian tennis star Martina Navratilova former beauty queen girlfriend Julia Lemigova once dated Swiss banker Edouard Stern, who was murdered by his lover in a sadomasochistic sex romp. That may be the most titillating gossip we've heard in a long time. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• American Idol winner David Cook's so secretive about his love life that he refuses to buy anything for his girlfriend. Wait, isn't that just cheap? [Page Six]
  
  
• Sex tape and reality star Kim Kardashian will direct an "unscripted show" about her publicist friend Jonathan Cheban. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now that Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are out in the open about their adulterous relationship, Cibrian's wife is free to rip him to shreds. She describes him as a "a compulsive liar, cheater and a home wrecker." Well, we know at least two of those things are true. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ian McKellen went to see his friend Rachel Weisz in A Streetcar Named Desire. That's just sweet. [Just Jared]

The guy with the camera, ex-Scientologist "Axiom142," spotted some Sea Org staffers getting off a van in East Grinstead, England, and pulled out his camera. The Scientologist he ended up talking to supposedly holds the church's highest ranking, OT-8, and advised him to "destimulate from your... electronic incident" or die in agony. Then the Scientologist called him a squirrel. This is a lethal insult, in his native Canada!

One of the tipsters who pointed us to this video also included a handy translation guide:

You might need a translator to understand what's going on there, but that just adds to the appeal. I'll do my best to try to explain the jargon:

The "time track" or "whole track" is the entirety of all the lives a person's "thetan" (soul/spirit) has lived before.

Being stuck on an "incident" means that something in this life, or more likely a past life is holding you back. Not only something that happened to you, but most likely something wrong you did. A common Scientologists find is in a past life they were a Nazi.

"The Bridge" is the name for some one's rank or level attained in Scientology, such as the infamous OT III or Clear. It is said by ex-Scientologists on the web that the man in this video is George Baillie, an OT VIII, which the highest level one can attain in Scientology.[1]

A "squirrel" is a derogatory term for anyone who perverts Scientology text or doctrine.

The "Sea Org" is Scientology's paramilitary branch, which holds little parallel to any other religious group. The closest thing I can think of is a combination of joining a faux-navy combined with a clergy, but with way worse living conditions and far more abuse.

"Re-stimulated" means being affected by an "incident" very strongly.

A "locational" is attempting through Scientology methods to locate and discuss said "incident" until it is no longer a problem.

An "S.P." is a "suppressive person" the general term applied to people who are against Scientology, or bad for society. The Scientology view holds these things are one and the same.

OSA is the Office of Special Affairs, the Church of Scientology's private investigation's branch and internal intelligence agency. Like the CIA for Scientology.

An "electronic incident" may refer to some form of brain washing implemented in a past life, likely by a psychiatrist and or alien.

[1] http://www.truthaboutscientology.com/stats/by-name/g/george-baillie.html

[via YouTube, which has since pulled the clip.]

• Is Lindsay Lohan having the worst week of her life? Probably. Papa Lohan — ever the purveyor of sage wisdom — claims that baby's house was burglarized! LAPD officers are on the scene right now, according to TMZ. Hopefully, she won't try to pin it on a bodega worker named Mohamed. Stay tuned, everyone. [TMZ]
  
  
• Lady Gags got booed in England for showing up to a set late and then having to circumcise her show after running out of time. Speaking of circumcision, PENIS OR GTFO, Gags. [The Sun]
  
  
• Page Six decides to pile on Michael Wolff's supposedly awful site traffic. I'm sorry, but with headlines like I LOVE TO KILL THE NEWS, yeah. He'll take what he can get. [Page Six]
  
  
• Postcards To Yo' Momma: Charles Dickens used to get ladies by writing letters to deh muddahs. In other news, (A) my favorite Page Six items are now the "historical gossip" ones and (B) I just stick with chocolate-covered strawberries. And thus, moms love me. If I were to write a girlfriend's mom a letter she'd be like seriously WTF and then tell her daughter to find a hedge funder or something, because This one, he writes letters? Meshuggah. He could've been a lawyer, too. A shonda. And look what he writes about Jews! [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Katie Holmes served as the inspiration or something for Scientology's creepy new uniforms. Also, Katie Holmes probably hates Scientology, because it's just another beard for craziness in her life she has to suffer in order to get her contract paid out. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven hasn't eaten fish in a bunch of months, and is now a new man or something now that he's living an un-mercury-poisoned life. Notably, Broadway is looking much healthier too now that it hasn't had much Jeremy Piven in however many months. [NYP]
  
  
• Random for an R & M item, but: girls in Maxim's Hometown Hotties contest - which is exactly what it sounds like - say that it's fixed! There's some kind of resolution to this story, but Maxim's PR person realizes what a ridiculous gossip item this is, and takes the time to crack a joke to R & M: "We did use the same electronic voting machines as Ohio did in the 2004 election. So we fully expect George W. Bush will be our next Hometown Hottie winner." [R & M]
  
  
• George Hamilton keeps lookin' good by using stem cell injections of his own fat on his face. Meanwhile, George Hamilton! Love him. Does anybody remember "George and Alana," Hamilton's talk show he once had with his ex-wife Alana Stewart? It was really good! [R & M]
  
  
• Gah! Fuckin' bedbugs! They're now terrorizing Bubba Clinton and staff in his Harlem offices. It got so bad that they had to leave work for a few days. [R & M]
  
  
• Oh, those wacky Coen Bros. They made Amy Landecker wear a pubic "wig" for the upcoming A Serious Man because it's set in 1967. [NYP]
  
  
• Not exactly 90th percentile SAT stuff, but: Was Jill Zarin chatting up a dean at Brown to get her daughter past admissions there? Probably. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sad: Jason Preston still isn't over his breakup with Marc Jacobs. He reached out to Courtney Love over Twitter because he's sad that Jacobs is marrying his boyfriend, Lorenzo Martone, this weekend in Massachusetts. But: why are you reaching out to Courtney Love for help? There are bad terrible awful ways you can act about ex-lovers, and then there's reaching out to Courtney Love. Don't do that. Just: don't. Go listen to some Paul Simon or something instead. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anna Paquin isn't afraid to get nekkid on vampire fetishist show True Blood. So it goes! Meanwhile, talk about burying the lede, Page Six: Nylon's still having magazine parties? [Page Six]
  
  
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to spend $45M on, let's see here, a...'FRENCH LOVE NEST' reports Showbiz Spy. And here I thought they were going to write PYREX BONG. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Aw. Where does Susan Boyle take her buckets of duckets and spend them on vacation? Home. She went to take a break in Scotland. Happy things, people. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Oh, this is wonderful: David Cross used a picture of the father of his girlfriend, Amber Tamblyn, as his author's bio photo on the jacket of his upcoming book. Furthermore! He wrote, on his bio: "He is currently fucking Amber Tamblyn." Forthcoming, but true. David Cross: loved by parents, I guess? [D-Listed]
  
  
• Was LeAnn Rimes involved in a hit-and-run? She was questioned by cops on Thursday night about one. [US]
  
  
• Will Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have raging ecstasy-induced sex in an upcoming possible film project? They could just pick up funding for this film by placing tzedakah boxes around the country at various male-oriented Jewish youth group meetings. Watch. They'd have a $20M budget in about three weeks. [WWTDD]