1. A snake
2. A Winnie the Pooh bear
3. A sense of dignity
4. Nappies, as in mini naps
5. Nappies, as in the British slang for "diapers"
6. A bicycle
7. A fax machine
8. A pair of jeans
9. A post-medieval understanding of the modern sewer system and its basic functions

This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, this knob that needs a little extra 'ow's yer father. Let's take a trip to a "personal development" camp in these cherished isles. Let's put a little more jack in the Union Jack. Am I being too coy? Fine, let's go on a weekend retreat to learn how to masturbate…

It's no giant squid, but what the latest discovery in marine biology lacks in excitement for the layperson it makes up for in sheer quantity. Researchers studying the deep waters off the coast of Scotland have discovered four new species. Spoiler alert: they're all pretty slimy.

The average rent here in Brooklyn is over $3,000 a month. In New York City, where humans cannot afford to live, the average apartment sells for more than $1.4 million. You fools. You could have a Braveheart castle for that price!

A new nightclub in Scotland is being investigated by police and other Glasgow city officials after a newspaper investigation revealed the club had installed two-way mirrors in its women's bathrooms, exposing the women to viewers in two private rooms.

All the hours we've spent losing ourselves in the rich velvet tapestries of premium cable's sexiest historical dramas have guided us to this one moment: Scotland will soon vote whether to declare its independence from the United Kingdom or to remain slaves forever.

Lawyers for candymaker Mars Inc. shot off an urgent letter to a Scottish bar attempting to secure Protected Food status for its deep-fried rendition of the company's namesake candy bar, saying the decision to deep fry Mars renders the candy's health benefits null and void.

Looking to draw some attention to her primary school's poor excuses for lunches, 9-year-old Martha Payne of Argyll, Scotland, started a blog with her dad to rate the dinners (as they're known across the pond) by taste, health, and "pieces of hair."

Here's an instructional video on what not to do while riding the Scottish rails without a ticket: i.e., swear at the ticket collector, refuse to budge from your seat, and hold up the train while in the presence of The Big Man, Scotland's newest public transportation-oriented superhero-vigilante. The Big Man's simple…

Observers who'd gathered for a Guy Fawkes Night fireworks presentation in Oban, Scotland, were treated to the most spectacular, if brief, fireworks display of their lives: 6,000 fireworks — enough for a 20-minute show — had detonated in under one minute, the result of an electronic timing fault.

Scottish authorities have launched a murder investigation into the death of Stuart Walker, a 28-year-old man who was brutally beaten, burned, then tied to a streetlight left by a roadside early Saturday morning in the town of Cumnock. A police department spokeswoman told The Scotsman that Walker probably did not die…

The Scottish government recently imported 14 sea eagles from Norway, to reintroduce the giant bird of prey into the wilds of Scotland. Unfortunately, they chose areas not quite wild enough, according to the Scottish Gamekeepers Association, which is calling for an inquiry into the feathered monsters with wingspans of…

Elaine Davidson, the world's most pierced woman, got married yesterday in Edinburgh to Douglas Watson, a balding retired civil servant. God knows how this odd couple found each other, but isn't love grand? Let's take a closer look at her outfit.

Question: Is there anything grosser than a worm-strewn sidewalk after an afternoon downpour in the suburbs? When every concrete surface is slathered with waterlogged nightcrawlers, lying in heaps like flesh-colored boogers?

A group of men dressed like Vikings lead the torchlight procession that kicks off Edinburgh New Year's celebration. Kind of makes the Times Square ball drop look a little wimpy, no? Image via Getty]

[Beautifully coiffed huckster Donald Trump received an honorary Doctor of Business Administration award from Robert Gordon University in Aberdeen, Scotland. He's also building a probably-tacky golf course in the area. Image via Getty]

[A man hoists a child to be blessed by Pope Benedict XVI in Glasgow, Scotland.]

Donald Trump is building a probably tacky golf course along the picturesque coast of Aberdeenshire, Scotland and not everyone is happy about it. And while investigating complaints about Trump's shady business tactics, two filmmakers were arrested on the property.