A seal was found in a field. You good, dog? You must be confused. That's not where seals go. What's up with you? You got this whole thing twisted. How'd you get there?

For a while, it looked like the Seal-Heidi Klum divorce was going to be an impressively civil parting of ways.

When the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce wrapped up quickly, quietly, and without much fuss, the Internet, unexpectedly starved for blood, became weak and irritable.

Ignoring a slew of serious legal and retaliatory ramifications, Fox News today released what it claims is the name of the former SEAL Team Six member who is set to release a book about his personal involvement in the successful mission to capture or kill Osama bin Laden.

A week ago, YouTuber bard55 uploaded a video of himself singing the Seal classic "Kiss from a Rose" to his cat while writhing around on the floor in his house. "I was drunk," he writes in the video's description. "Please don't sure me."

In his capacity as judge and coach on the Australian version of Dutch singing competition The Voice, singer-songwriter Seal holds in his hands the fate of hopeful contestants yearning for superstardom.

October 5th marked the 35th birthday of Chechnya's president, Ramzan Kadyrov, who was installed into office at age 30, three years after his father's assassination. Ramzan wanted celebrities at his party, and what Ramzan wants, Ramzan gets. So Hilary Swank, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Seal collected their checks,…

Labor Day is almost upon us, people, which means we need to get in our fix of celebrities of all stripes parading around in next to nothing at the beach. Let's take advantage while we still can!

Heidi Klum, the woman of a million bikinis, hangs out on the beach with her baby seal. Wait, I mean, her baby (comma) Seal.…

Heidi Klum and her singer husband Seal recently bought a new mansion, so they had to sell their old one. Someone picked up the property this week, but you can still take a tour around.

Miley Cyrus has her eye on the Governator's son. Prince bans Whitney Houston from his shows. Katie Holmes isn't pregnant. Rachel McAdams isn't engaged. Tuesday gossip needs a shoulder to cry on.

Demi Lovato gives her first post-rehab interview. Charlie Sheen comes out as a birther. Catherine Zeta-Jones opens up about her bipolar disorder. Wednesday gossip has nothing to hide.

The singer and the model have purchased a foreclosed Brentwood property for "significantly more" than the listed $13.4M. It's an 8 bedroom, 12,500sq.ft. beast with endless views, cigar and wine rooms, and a domed library. That is definitely in.

[Project Runway host Heidi Klum and her husband, Seal, at the Worldwide Orphans Foundation benefit gala in New York. That's Dr. Jane Aronson, the foundation's founder, in between them. Photo via Splash.]

Aguilera was a sexy cop for Halloween. Paris Hilton and Rachel Zoe were sexy Native Americans. Fearing his client's impending death, Charlie Sheen's manager makes a home visit. Portia de Rossi once weighed 82 lbs. Monday's gossip roundup needs candy.

Sandra was in Beverly Hills all week, but nobody got her picture. She should teach seminars to Lindsay Lohan, who got caught partying last night. Alicia Keys is pregnant and engaged. Gary Coleman is in the hospital. TGIFriday gossip.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon renewed their vows earlier this week, and now Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are are planning on doing it. Someone please put an end to this!

Uber-rich playplace Saint Barthélemy suffers from the unbearable lightness of too much fabulous; Gloria Allred aims at Shaq; Mike Tyson won't be charged for beating a paparazzo; Michelle beats Barack at tennis. New year, new gossip.

Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson may have gone psycho for a model who likes to cling octogenarians; everyone obsesses over Tiger Woods' mistress; Westchester reprimands Richard Gere for chopping down trees. Tuesday's gossip ranges from sordid lechery to suburban ennui.

• Are Jude Law and Sienna Miller back together? That's what it looked like when the duo were seen cavorting at The Box last Thursday, but reps for the two are denying it. [NYDN]
• Either Jay-Z is a really thoughtful husband or Beyoncé is a bit of a control freak, but Jay refused to take photos with the models at the…