• Kelly Bensimon is ruined, Ruined! she says. Apparently, Bensimon realized during the reunion episode that she came off like a total bizznatch on the show and now regrets looking like an ass on reality TV. Whoops! [Page Six]
  
  
• Natalie Portman isn't into Sean Penn, she says. Which is too bad, because on the SAT question that asks what follows in a logical progression after Natalie Portman dates professional weirdo Devendra Banhart, I definitely wrote "Sean Penn." Shit. [US]
  
  
• Vogue intern and sometimes-hockey-player Sean Avery hit up Scores the other night and a stripper followed him out and gave him her digits. A few nights later, he hosted a charity benefit for something called the "Garden of Dreams," which incidentally has nothing to do with his cock-region. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears spent over $3M in scrilla, dishing out cash hand over fist in legal fees, $188,556 for assistants, and lots of groceries for "PopoZão" singer Kevin Federline. [E!]
  
  
• Paris Hilton's neighbors want her out of the 'hood so badly, they're willing to bribe her landlord an extra $5K. [TMZ]
  
  
• Bruce Jenner's new face is here, and comes with rear airbags, a direct MP3 hookup, and a daughter who won't shut the fuck up about her Dad's new face. [NYDN]
  
  
• Paps checked Brooke Shields' mother out of a nursing home. Rights to the best meta-buddy-comedy of all time are being optioned as we speak. [Wonderwall]
  
  

For its biopic on professional hockey player and ex Vogue intern Sean Avery, New Line Cinema is going with the delightful working title Puckface, the New York Times reports.

Now the New York Rangers left winger just has to decide what to call the "line of designer athletic wear... he'd like to create." How about "Sloppy Seconds?" After all, the tagline is already written.

(Pic: Avery walloping Cal Clutterbuck of the Minnesota Wild on Tuesday, a month and a half after Avery completed a lengthy, NHL-mandated anger management regimen. Getty Images.)

• Then she wept alone at her lonely little restaurant table for one, her enormous glass of red wine on constant refill status, and added, "I read this biography of Catherine the Great and it was so inspiring." [Sun]
• Katy Perry, that riot grrl who entices boys with her siren songs of Sapphistry, has broken up with her boyfriend. Presumably because he got fed up with her never once, not one fucking time, ever following through on "the whole three way thing." When reached for comment the man said, "C'mon, babe. Please??" [Sun]
• Kate Moss with enormous baby bump! While drinking and smoking! Gadzooks! [Sun]
• Breaking: formidably surly and grim (but legendary) playwright Sam Shepard is kind of a drunk. [Sun]
• National Public Slur and Debate champion Tara Reid is still holed-up at Promises Rehab despite recent rumors that she left. "We can't exactly find her, but we're pretty sure she's still here," a Promises insider tells me. "Deanna, go take that stick and see if you can't flush her out of the crawlspace. Maybe she got up in there again." [Showbiz Spy]
• Vogue intern, hockey player, and donor of Elisha Cuthbert's sloppy remains to friends and family Sean Avery has split up with his latest girlfriend. That means she's on the market, boys! [P6]
• Aha! Sad dog-fucker Jennifer Aniston gets the last laugh! Her soft-core, soft-touch porndoggraphy film Marley & Me is totally schooling her chiseled, intense, and ridiculously happy ex-husband, the god-like and completely un-get-overable Brad Pitt's magical dream spell Benjamin Button film at the box office. Aniston should be proud, but should also remember that no men will date a woman who's good at business. Lonely and miserable forever, that one will be. [Variety]

Image via INF}

Marie Claire's is of course only the latest message to illustrate the perils of forgetting to put addresses on the Bcc: line instead of To:. Fox News' Susan Estrich and Mediabistro's Laurel Touby have similarly embarrassed themselves.

But Marie Claire included some A-listers among the usual stew of New York media people. Their email addresses are now overexposed! Time for new GMail accounts or whatever! Which is easy enough, but reconfiguring iPhones and BlackBerrys could waste literally days, collectively!

A partial list of victims:

• Tina Fey
• Ashley Olsen
• Maggie Gyllenhaal
• Rachel Weisz
• Lindsay Lohan
• Jeremy Piven
• Oliver Platt
• Sandra Oh
• Sean Avery
• Nina Garcia

Keep them in your prayers!

Avery, the prettiest thug since Fabolous, was living large with his new four-year, $15.5 million contract with Dallas. But now the team has dumped his ass, because he couldn't be a team player. When it comes to dating actresses:

Hockey cad Sean Avery was dumped by the Dallas Stars yesterday after teammates said they didn't want to skate with the trash-talking goon.

The former Ranger had been scheduled to return to action last night after serving a six-game suspension for his remarks about players "falling in love with my sloppy seconds" - a dig at Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is dating "24" actress and Avery ex Elisha Cuthbert.

He'll inevitably end up at the hockey equivalent of the Oakland Raiders, whatever that is. [NYP; pic via]

• Hockey star Sean Avery takes initiative and scores an internship at Vogue, because he loves fashion so much. He gets to do traditional intern tasks such as posing shirtless. Later he makes lots of straight sex jokes.
• Ryan Adams, musician and romantic icon to Sheila, interns for BlackBook magazine, in order to get publicity for his album or something. His fashion does not noticeably change afterwards.
• And now, Kanye says he wants to intern for either Louis Vuitton or Raf Simons. He hopes to learn enough to actually release his own fashion line, something that was scheduled to happen several years ago.

  Three's a trend! [NYT; pic via. Kanye also dabbles in music, allegedly.]

"I would like to sincerely apologize for my off-color remarks to the press yesterday from Calgary," Avery said. "I should not have made those comments and I recognize that they were inappropriate.

"It was a bad attempt to build excitement for the game, but I am now acutely aware of how hurtful my actions were. I caused unnecessary embarrassment to my peers as well as people I have been close with in the past.

"I apologize for offending the great fans of the NHL, the commissioner, my teammates, my coaching staff and the Dallas Stars management and ownership. As many of you know, I like to mix it up on and off the ice from time to time, but understand that this time I took it too far."

The NHL could leave him twisting in the wind on indefinite suspension. But odds are he begs forgiveness and, having generated loads of free not-really-harmful publicity for the league and himself, gets it, returning to his $16 million four-year contract and freshly-burnished bad-boy image.

"I'm really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds."

Cuthbert (pictured below) is dating Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf, while Hunter ended up with Jarrett Stoll of the Los Angeles Kings.

Avery instinctively understands that the NHL, which is trying to attract new viewers, needs to play up conflict and characters within it own ranks if it wants to draw attention. "Tthe NHL does a terrible job of marketing [by not promoting its] villains," he recently told ESPN. "Nobody cares about Jarome Iginla and guys like that, they're just not exciting enough."

Call it the reality television approach to sports — or, less flatteringly, the professional wrestling approach. Either way, alienating the female half of the potential audience with this "sloppy seconds stunt" doesn't seem like the smartest way to extend the strategy. But then ladies man Avery should know that already!

Yes jerking off! We can just picture a moment when the actor playing Avery, probably someone like Josh Lucas, or maybe someone a little less intense like Jesse Bradford, meets cute with the female lead, maybe a playful rival fashionista played by some frustrating television actress, and he says coyly yet masculinely "I'm going home to jerk off to you now. And that's a big compliment." That little zippy "Suddenly I See" song will swell and they'll both bop back to their ridiculous lower Manhattan apartments and then it will devolve into solo porn with sugary voiceover full of hackneyed hockey metaphors and Anna Wintour, sitting alone in a dark screening room, will adjust her wig and issue a guttural, disgusted-yet-oddly-pleased groan.

Seriously, though, it is kind of an interesting story, and a male-perspective movie about the women's fashion industry has the potential to be a pleasant fish-out-of-water diversion. Or, you know, it could be cloying and awful and full of "haha, I'm not gay!!" panic jokes. Either way, we're surprised it's been so hastily picked up. And without even a chick lit book preceding it!

The willingness of men to expand the amount of skin they are inclined to display can be gauged by the short-sleeved shirts Senator Barack Obama has lately favored; the muscle T-shirts Anderson Cooper wears on CNN assignment; and the Armani billboard in which David Beckham, the soccer star, appears nearly nude.

...When the hockey star Sean Avery took an internship at Vogue earlier this summer, the work uniform that the fashion-besotted left wing chose included a shorts suit that showcased his athletic calves.

“Why go to work and be hot?” he asked last week... “Why are women allowed to do it and not men?”

The slideshow, by the way, is called "who wears short shorts?"

It's only getting hotter, so get used to it, I guess. And maybe open a waxing salon, those should take off!

[Times]

• On her new album, Britney Spears allegedly has a song called "ATM" where she sings, "Hey Mama, I know it’s my cash you seek." After being hospitalized in January and February, Spears stabilized her life and won increased visitation with her two sons, only to have her handlers push her back into various work endeavors. Point being, the song is probably more than mere celebrity whining, and I will actually purchase it on iTunes! (JUST LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE, etc.) [Mirror]
• Vogue's Anna Wintour is having another step-grandkid. But she can't enjoy this news because her intern, Sean Avery, is totally flirting with another fashion mag editrix! That's emotional cheating right there!
• Kathryn Walker is happy to talk about why she's hasn't been talking about her novel being partially based on ex-husband James Taylor. [Times]
• According to his friends, Alex Rodriguez's ex-wife is a dragon lady who hates his hispanic side, made him stop eating Spanish food and controlled his mind with her master's degree in psychology. Totally plausible. [P6]
• Singer Lance Bass is hooking up with personal trainer Sebastian Leal even though Brazil-born Leal has a wife of nine years. Sounds like a total citizenship marriage, though, so meh, whatever. [P6]
• Giorgio Armani, 74, invited Prince Caspian from Chronicles of Narnia — Ben Barnes, 26 — for a ride on his yacht. Don't eat the Turkish Delight! [R&M]
• Under pressure from doctors, Amy Winehouse has given away eight of her cats. Now she has to relinquish the final six, which are her favorites. Apparently they give her breathing problems. And I'm sure she doesn't give them breathing problems, since feline lungs are totally brilliant at filtering crack smoke. [Showbiz Spy]
• Sean Connery faces accusations he "stopped giving his son money to force him to make his own way in life." Wait, you can be accused of that? Like it's a bad thing? And people will write about it? [UPI]

"I'm going home to jerk off to you now." Aww/eww. A tipster tells us that Avery added "And that's a big compliment," and later text messaged Kirschbaum saying that "the session is going well." So yes! A little creepy, but at least he's not been completely be-sassed by the sleek and bitchy fashion industry. Though it could all be an elaborate ruse and he really went back to his hotel to drink Moët and do blow all night with Tom Ford while Anna Wintour did slow 70's disco claps in the background, Carly Simon playing softly. If that's the case then boo, but if he really was practicing his stick-handling skills then good on him. I hope he had a steak afterwards.

Avery is also not apologizing for a fashion obsession that "started innocently enough with my first tie-dyed Chip & Pepper shirt at age 12 has evolved over a decade and a half into a closet full of Dries Van Noten, YSL, Dior, and Costume National, to name just a few." He also cops to wearing "dinner attire" of "jeans, limited edition Nikes, a Raf Simons dress shirt, and a bow tie."

But Avery is a little embarrassed about a recent accident in the Condé Nast cafeteria in which he attempted to load up two trays at once and ended up spilling beef stroganoff on some hapless but unknown coworker (she fled). (He's sorry! He wants to buy you a new outfit! Twelfth floor!)

Then there's this strange assertion:

Here's what it comes down to: I make millions of dollars a year at a "job" that I consider to be pure fun. The people at Vogue don't have that kind of salary. What they do have is a group of people working creatively and relentlessly because of their strong passion and love for fashion. I would challenge you to find another workplace - outside of sports or nursing - that has that.

Ah, yes, nursing: That place for people with "strong passion and love for fashion." Someone should put together a photo spread!

[Men's Vogue]

• Hockey star and Vogue intern Sean Avery showed up to a concert "dressed head to toe in black with a black newsboy cap... he looked like he was straight out of a 1998 J.Lo video." [P6]
• Cynthia Nixon said she so did not have a boob job, as the Post reported. The breast cancer survivor and Sex And The City star just visited a hospital oncology department for a checkup. [R&M]
• Britney Spears watched her 17-year-old sister give birth, and then had to take a long airplane flight back to Los Angeles, and then some paprazzo almost got in a fight with her bodyguard, so she totally cried.
• Reality TV sexpot Tila Tequila supposedly got a Manhattan apartment broker to kiss her husband's ex wife. The ex wife also flashed Tila Tequila? And there was boob nuzzling? I guess if you're obscure, this is what you have to do to get into Page Six. [P6]
• Jennifer Lopez's entourage supposedly numbers eight people, including two guards with visibly-holstered guns. They reportedly demanded that a clothing boutique be sealed, while J. Lo was shopping, and that the actress/singer get a 50 percent discount. What's insane is that her twins' entourage is both larger and more surly. [P6]
• For Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday party, there will be medics on standby. Not for Mandela but for barely-able-to-stand performer/drug addict Amy Winehouse. She had to overcome so much to make it to the show. Sniffle. [Mirror]