• Celebrities sell newspapers: If you have to give them full copy approval to get them to put their name on a day's issue, then it's apparently fine to abandon your journalistic standards to do so. Here's what one copy editor, who wanted complete anonymity because everyone gets all angry where celebs are concerned, said of working on a rambling diatribe by a famous columnist for a British newspaper.

  When it came in it was semi-literate. And by 'semi-literate' I mean 'illiterate'. I went to the editor and told him I could have a crack at it, but it probably needed a rewrite. He said to run it as is, and that any changes — commas, tiny things — had to be approved by the guy's fucking agent.

• Editors are starstruck: newspaper editors are, mostly, slightly shabbily dressed former reporters who think Bono is actually cool, rather than an aging midget who wears sunglasses indoors. They are therefore scared and obsequious when he personally calls. Which is maybe why he gets away with murdering the craft of journalism on both sides of the Atlantic (he writes and edits for the Independent in Britain and writes for the New York Times here). Sources at the former say it's not unusual to find that a disengaged senior editor has decide to shepherd his articles through, lest peerless prose like this, from the worst article in history (Bono writing on Frank Sinatra in the Times) be subject to the usual standards:
  

  Now I'm back in my own house in Dublin, uncorking some nice wine, ready for the vinegar it can turn to when families and friends overindulge, as I am about to. Right by the hole-in-the-wall cellar, I look up to see a vision in yellow: a painting Frank sent to me after I sang "I've Got You Under My Skin" with him on the 1993 "Duets" album. One from his own hand. A mad yellow canvas of violent concentric circles gyrating across a desert plain. Francis Albert Sinatra, painter, modernista.

• Access is conflated with knowledge: Sean Penn is a great actor and a terrible fucking writer. Appalling. Meandering circles of crap. But if he wants to go to Iran, he gets a visa where other journalists might be denied. Doors are open to Spicoli that are closed to people who have never won Oscars. Which means we get pearls like this from a dispatch from Tehran:
  

  But wait. The women. Look at the women. All is not well. I'm thinking about the women. This is Iran.

  The same applies to profiles. Capturing someone in a few thousand words is an art, and there are back-room negotiations galore before a famous or eminent person allows a professional — Ian Parker, Lynn Barber — to begin the process. Naomi Campbell on the other hand is pretty and has been on the teevee and in magazines and can get a sit down with Hugo Chavez just by showing up in Bolivia and batting her eyelashes. So she gets to contribute interviews to British GQ, along with Elton John's partner David Furnish — a man who has never once asked a question anyone wanted answered.

• People with interesting insight are not always good writers: is it a nice idea to get Sarah Palin to outline her opinions in the Washington Post? Yes. Is she capable of doing so without sucking? Definitely fucking not. Is it a nice idea to get James Franco to write about his appearance on General Hospital? Yes. Is he capable of doing so? Well maybe it's a little unfair to compare his writing, and that of the other celebs, with that of any other contributor. He was probably denied the benefits of strong editing that most civilian writers take for granted, even get annoyed about.

If you have any tales of working on dreadful (or even excellent) celebrity copy, email here or at the address below.

• Jessica Simpson is holding out hope that her beloved pooch Daisy still walks among us, despite the fact that she saw it snatched by a coyote. We're not sure which is more sad: the dog's apparent death or the fact that Simpson thinks it could still be alive. [Star]
  
  
• Tom Delay, the former lawmaker who is now on Dancing with the Stars, has been injured after his old ass body couldn't keep up with the show's high-stepping ways. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Sean Penn doesn't let the grass grow under his groin, for the actor has moved on from Robin Wright with a model named Jessica White. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a shock: Samantha Burke, the woman knocked up by Jude Law, has been talking to publishers to get the highest price for an interview and pictures of her new-born love child. Asking price: $200,000. That's one pricey call girl, huh? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rudy Giuliani's gay friend Howard Koeppel insists the former NYC mayor won't run to be the state's Governor. Well, that's a relief! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bill Clinton wanted Hillary to be Al Gore's vice-president. That obviously didn't pan out.... [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• How rude! A Ukrainian church has called Elton John, a known homosexual, a "sinner" after his aborted attempt to adopt an orphan from the country. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, good Christ! As if Taylor Momsen weren't already on a highway to hell, the poor girl's now saddling up to Lindsay Lohan. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Lohan has been bringing her little — 15-year old — sister to night clubs. Shouldn't this help build a case against Lohan's mother, Dina. It should. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Haha! While Whitney Houston's enjoying new-found success, Bobby Brown's griping about the fact that he's fat. Bloated, we thinl but let's not get picky. [TMZ]
  
  
• George Clooney said he would rather have a man's cold finger up his bum than have a Facebook page. Hmmm... [Page Six]
  
  
• British "model" Katie Price says someone famous once raped her, but her ex-husband doesn't seem to know what the fuck she's talking about. We wonder why. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she would never own a gun because she would shoot someone, like boyfriend Brian Austin Green. He was better off with Donna Martin, no? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Gervais once said it was alright for a funny man to be over-weight, but now he's slim and svelte and, some think, simply too thin. We think there's no such thing! [3am]

• Leighton Meester caused a scene in a Hamptons restaurant when she encouraged her friends to scream the Happy Birthday song loud enough to drown out another table of girls singing the same tune. The other diners were probably not amused. [Page Six]
  
  
• The attempted reconciliation of Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn has failed. As you may recall, Penn announced a few months back that he was putting acting on hold to focus on repairing his family, but Robin reportedly wasn't interested. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hotel peephole video victim Erin Andrews of ESPN appears in a "dirty" photo spread in the new issue of GQ. [Daily News]
  
  
• In addition to screwing over all of his clients, Bernie Madoff was allegedly putting the wood to some of the secretaries in his office at Madoff Securities. [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Lindsay Lohan just can't catch a break. Over the weekend she attended some fancy event in the Hamptons filled with fancy people and then her creepy dad showed up and stalked her all over the place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna celebrated her 51st birthday at an Italian resort with her children and her fetus boyfriend Jesus Luz. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Shania Twain is the latest lady to take a turn at being a judge on American Idol in place of Paula Abdul. [EOnline]
  
  
• Well here's a damn shocker! NeNe Leakes of Real Housewives fame says that she was once a stripper back in the days of her reckless youth and she's quite proud of it, mind you! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Well here's a another damn shocker! Sandra Bernhard isn't really much of a fan of Sarah Palin. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lady GaGa posed nude for the new issue of Out Magazine, but there's no frontal shot so we still can't verify whether or not she has a peen. [Sun]

Yesterday we gaev you a preview of Prospect Park West, Sohn's upcoming book about four Brooklyn mommies behaving badly. One of the ladies is Melora, a Hollywood actress who moves to Park Slope, so the narrative is peppered with fake stories about real celebrities. Melora and Hudson fight over a part, Lucy Liu calls Melora a "fucked up woman," Maggie Gyllenhaal is her mortal enemy (her's too?) and Alec Baldwin steals her therapist. Do you think some of them will guest star when Sarah Jessica Parker turns this into a series?

The Post dutifully called the publicists of the celebs involved. Most wouldn't comment, one never heard of the book, and Alec Baldwin's harried publicist, happy that his client didn't call anyone a pig in a voicemail again, says Baldwin doesn't care about Sohn's made-up tales, adding "It doesn't sound like such a good book."

But at least Sohn is fun enough to add a bit of sizzle to her novel. Today the New York Times fills us in on the new trend in chick lit: books with heroines who are weathering the economic meltdown.

Framed as cautionary tales, these books introduce female characters compelled to "face facts, raise funds and watch out for themselves," said Elizabeth Beier, who edited The Summer Kitchen. "They're not just vicariously experiencing other women's getting and spending," she said. "They are taking charge of their own identities; they are actually doing something, and that always makes more involving fiction."

God, that sounds as boring as reading Ruth Madoff's inevitable indictment. We'd much rather read some fake bullshit about famous people than some fake bullshit about the formerly rich trying to turn their lives around. That's why we pick up the Post every morning!

• Farrah Fawcett, rumored again to be on her deathbed, and Ryan O'Neal are finally getting married after all those long, tumultuous years together as a Hollywood couple. And surely this will be filmed and turned into a primetime television special. [Sun]
  
  
• Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle, the ex-wife of San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, and furniture designer Eric Villency are ending their brief marriage. [Page Six]
  
  
• Horrible lad-mag FHM has named Megan Fox the sexiest woman to ever live in the history of the universe, or something like that. [Sun]
  
  
• It's rumored that Paul Giamatti may replace Sean Penn in the upcoming Three Stooges flick after Penn decided to take an extended period of time off to spend time with his family. [EOnline]
  
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon go to the gym together wearing matching outfits from head to toe. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey has announced that he has knocked up girlfriend Camila Alves with their second child. Further, he did so shirtless while running on the beach with a bandana on his head. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Have you seen how Drew Barrymore and Justin Long dress up to attend baseball games? Good God this is obnoxious! [DListed]
  
  
• Paris Hilton has taken her act to Dubai and has discovered the joys of riding camels. She's there to try on some clothes or attend a nightclub opening or something important like that. [PITNB]
  
  
• When Justin Timberlake flies to Paris, he does so with a large bodyguard carrying an automatic weapon to scare off any potential autograph seekers. [TMZ]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus took a "provocative" picture with her 44 year-old director and posted it to her Twitter. [Sun]

The New York Post ran a blind item last week detailing an actor on the brink: "Which actor is on hiatus due to a drug relapse? He claimed he needed time off because of the heartbreak of his public split, but he's actually headed to rehab."

A blog called Spielster put two and two together before Variety's announcement, as rumors had been floating around for a few days that the actor's involvement in Cartel and the gloomy-sounding Three Stooges was tenuous at best.

If he his having problems with his wife (and, really, when isn't he?) or doing too many drugs, now is a perfect time to lay low for a while. He's so awash in the Milky glow of the industry's respect that he really doesn't need to do anything right away to capitalize on a moment. No, people will wait around for him, as they have since Fast Times. Plus, the Three Stooges thing will likely be a disaster, so walking away could prove a wise decision.

Image via Getty

• The UK Sun lays out their entire "Brad and Angelina are faking it" case in a long piece today. Included among the reasons why—-She wants even MORE kids, he does not. Brad likes the West Coast, Angelina likes the East Coast. And Brad has been in regular contact with Jennifer Aniston lately. And oh yeah, Angie's an intellectual and Brad's a dumbass. [Sun]
  
  
• Ed Westwick and Jessica Szhor partied it up together at the Gramercy Park Hotel last night [Just Jared]
  
  
• It looks as though there really is a Gossip Girl spinoff in the works at CW. [EOnline]
  
  
• Despite rumors on the internets that he's died 10 times since last Friday, Patrick Swayze is still alive and kicking and he and his wife took this photo to prove it. [Mirror]
  
  
• Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are getting back together AGAIN! [EOnline]
  
  
• Did Keith Urban follow the lead of his perpetually-Botoxed bride and get a round of injections himself? [LaineyGossip]
  
  
• Natalie Cole received a lifesaving kidney transplant this week but her sister died suddenly while she was in the hospital. [Page Six]
  
  
• Law & Order SVU star Mariska Hargitay said that the collapsed lung she recently suffered was the result of a stunt gone wrong. [Daily News]
  
  
• Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey is expecting her fourth child. [Dlisted]
  
  
• Robert DeNiro is a new grandfather to a seven pound baby girl. [Page Six]

• Kelly Bensimon is ruined, Ruined! she says. Apparently, Bensimon realized during the reunion episode that she came off like a total bizznatch on the show and now regrets looking like an ass on reality TV. Whoops! [Page Six]
  
  
• Natalie Portman isn't into Sean Penn, she says. Which is too bad, because on the SAT question that asks what follows in a logical progression after Natalie Portman dates professional weirdo Devendra Banhart, I definitely wrote "Sean Penn." Shit. [US]
  
  
• Vogue intern and sometimes-hockey-player Sean Avery hit up Scores the other night and a stripper followed him out and gave him her digits. A few nights later, he hosted a charity benefit for something called the "Garden of Dreams," which incidentally has nothing to do with his cock-region. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears spent over $3M in scrilla, dishing out cash hand over fist in legal fees, $188,556 for assistants, and lots of groceries for "PopoZão" singer Kevin Federline. [E!]
  
  
• Paris Hilton's neighbors want her out of the 'hood so badly, they're willing to bribe her landlord an extra $5K. [TMZ]
  
  
• Bruce Jenner's new face is here, and comes with rear airbags, a direct MP3 hookup, and a daughter who won't shut the fuck up about her Dad's new face. [NYDN]
  
  
• Paps checked Brooke Shields' mother out of a nursing home. Rights to the best meta-buddy-comedy of all time are being optioned as we speak. [Wonderwall]
  
  

Lent his fist for a healthy pump in support.

• Film star Kelly McGillis confirmed she's lesbian, as long rumored. It must have been Tom Cruise's unquestioned heterosexuality that really sold those Top Gun love scenes, then. [Daily Mail]
  
• Sean Penn is separating from his wife Rob Wright Penn. For the second time. So presumably he won't have to remember to forget to thank in her in his Oscar speech ever again. [P6]
  
• Elizabeth Edwards writes in her new book she cried, screamed and threw up when John Edwards confessed cheating on her. Maybe because she knew she'd have to coax the full truth out of him: Edwards originally "left most of the truth out" and said he'd only slipped up once. Good thing those days of lying about tabloid allegations are completely behind him! [Daily News]
  
• Rihanna's dad thinks the singer is completely over apparently abusive ex Chris Brown. "Chris sounds like old news to me," he told Us Weekly (in print only, it would seem). [Scoop]
  
• "Pansexual" cad Neal Boulton entered rehab after finding out he has liver cirrhosis. Apparently giving up booze on his own didn't work out for the former Genre editor.
  
• Police detectives and social services visited Nadya "Octo-Mom" Suleman after the fourth complaint against her, this time for possible child neglect and endangerment. Suleman said some teacher saw a black eye one of her kids and just, you know, flipped out. All reactionary and nanny state like. GOD. [Us]

The Farrellys have been trying to get this thing off the ground for about ten years, hopping between Warner Bros. and Columbia before finally landing on MGM. Penn and Del Toro were always part of the dream cast, but Carrey is a late edition. Funny that the one confirmed comedian is the last, and most surprising, addition to the crew.

Variety remembers that Del Toro displayed 'comic chops' in that movie Snatch, but Guy Ritchie gangster zingers aren't exactly the same thing as heavily-orchestrated socko ballets of physical comedy. Nor are witty, homo-positive Oscar acceptance speeches. Let's hope their rehearsal process is long and fruitful.

Well, specifically the movie was Crossing Over, that Wayne Kramer-directed muddle of a Traffic wannabe about immigration, for which the greasy Comrade Penn shot a few scenes as an 'enforcement agent.' The Post claims that Penn had his bits cut from the film because he objected to a scene that depicted an honor killing—an Iranian woman is killed by her brother because of some social faux pas. The claim, I guess, is that he didn't want Iranians shown in an unpleasant light?

What this has to do with the ayatollahs isn't entirely unclear, other than that Penn went to Iran in 2005 and did some 'reporting' for the San Francisco Chronicle, a known butt-pirate paper that Sean now hates. So, because Penn had the appalling audacity to try to use his position of prominence to explore a complicated issue, he's obviously an ayatollah-pirate Iranian spy.

For his part, Penn's people say that it was an artistic decision to cut him from the terrible movie, because his parts had a "mystical" quality that didn't really jibe with the rest of the picture's docu-feel. OK. So it was magic that kept him away. Muslim magic???

The delightful Post then goes on to accuse Sean of cheating on his wife with Natalie Portman.

Meanwhile, eyebrows were raised the other night when Penn dined with gorgeous (and single) Natalie Portman, "Milk" writer Dustin Lance Black, and two others at Tower Bar at the Sunset Tower Hotel in LA.

"Sean and Natalie were talking quietly," our spy says. Penn is usually circumspect regarding his behavior around hot young actresses, as he's married to long-suffering Robin Wright Penn.

Bless 'em.

Also: Don't you just love Andrea Peyser?

Begrizzled homo-loving son of a gun Sean Penn will be starring in a film about drugs. It's a Brian Grazer-produced film called Cartel and is a sorta revengey, child protect-y kinda movie. [Variety] David Ayer, who's previously dazzled us with such fare like the baroque LA crime flick Harsh Times and the broke-ass LA crime Keanu Reeves movie Street Kings, has received a seven figure deal from Regency to write and direct a film called Last Man, about American soldiers in space dukin' it out with frakking aliens. [Variety]

Fox has picked up the screen rights to the book Mr. Popper's Penguins. They plan to turn the 1938 publication into a thriller about what happens when the air conditioning is on too high at the Abbey. [Variety]

Begrizzled immigrant-loving wielder of a gun Melissa Leo, of Frozen River Oscar nodding, has signed on to a new HBO pilot. She'll be playing a lawyer in Treme, David Simon's New Orleans-set followup to The Wire. [Variety] Meanwhile at a project of completely equal prestige, former Ugly Betty transsexual Rebecca Romijn has signed on to play the lead in the Witches of Eastwick pilot for ABC. [Variety]

Michael J. Fox is returning to television, in a reality show called Michael J. Fox: Adventures of an Incurable Optimist, in which he travels the world spreading good cheer. You just shut yer damn trap right now, Limbaugh. [Variety] Meanwhile a TV star of today makes Bambi steps toward movie stardom. Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl will star in the totally-mid-90's-ish thriller The Roommate, about a college student whose roommate becomes obsessed with her, Single White Female style. In that movie, Jennifer Jason Leigh was Bridget Fonda's, um, roommate. [THR]

Oh awesome. The wonderful Missy Pyle, Chris Parnell, and Deanne Dunagan are set to star in a CBS comedy pilot. Parnell and Pyle have been doing funny work in TV and film for years now, but Chicago actress Dunagan is probably best known for her ferocious, every-award-possible-winning turn in the play August: Osage County. She'll play a Southern mother making things difficult for an East Coast-transplant couple. [THR]

• Everyone wanted to be at Vanity Fair's Oscar party, even people the magazine has slammed in print. People left Madonna, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's party early to attend. And Prince gave up on his own party, moving it to a nightclub. [P6]
• Elton John went to the Vanity Fair Oscar party. It's not clear if he also attended the Elton John Oscar party. He was joined by a drinking-and-swaying Natalie Portman and a comedy clique of Sacha Baron Cohen, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill, who made jokes about pot, Jewish culture and masturbation. [Gatecrasher]
• How cool is Sean Penn? Too cool to go to the Oscar party thrown by Milk's producers. By now you can guess which party he was at, smoking and talking to Mickey Rourke. [P6]
• Penn to Madonna, on meeting her 22-year-old Brazilian lover: "Another kid already?" [Sun]
• Madonna did something serious to her face right before the Oscars. [Gatecrasher]
• If Parker Posey tips you less than 500 percent, she does not think you are cute. [P6]
• Pars Hilton ambushed Robert Pattinson of Twlight fame and did something ungodly to him in a garden after an hour of "deep conversation." Even the Olsen twins were shocked. [Mirror]
• Apparently there was a Beyonce nipple slip during the Oscars. [Egotastic]
• Britney Spears smuggled home a pre-paid cell phone to call her scuzzy ex-boyfriends in the middle of the night to complain about her father. [TMZ]

Slumdog Millionaire dominated as expected, an international sweep in a night studded with British, Indian and Australian wins. Not that there was much danger of nationalist unity within Hollywood; host Hugh Jackman managed to work some surprisingly vicious showbiz digs into the show, including lines from Steve Martin and Tina Fey not-so-subtly mocking Scientology and Ben Stiller's unsparing imitation of Joaquin Phoenix.

There were some misfires, like the lengthy nominee tributes involving top stars giving overlong, wedding-toast-style speeches for each contender in top categories like Best Actor and Actress. But there were also more memorable moments than any viewer had a right to expect. The best:

10. Franco and Rogen turn the Reader into stoner comedy

"Their giggling and guffawing at The Reader is somehow more damning (and more exposing of the film's overweening pomposity) than a thousand bad reviews." —Guardian. (OK, sure, but Kate Winslet's little gold man begs to disagree about the Reader.)

9. Angelina Jolie grins big at Jennifer Aniston

You just had to cut to Jolie during Aniston's animation award presentation, didn't you, ABC? OK, so we secretly enjoyed the shot of the Brad Pitt-stealer's wide grin, but that's not the point.

8. Philippe Petit's statuette-balancing magic trick

The star of Best Documentary Man on the Wire was making a naked bid to become the stuntman for all future Academy Award ceremonies. We're all for it, as long as the Frenchman returns each year with his charming white scarf.

7. Host Hugh Jackman: "The Musical Is Back"

Is it? Because some of us felt like we were stuck on the lido deck of a cruise. Including Penelope Cruz, judging by her arched eyebrows at the close of the biggest number.

6. Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix

Oscar presenters don't normally go after their own. Stiller did. His deadpan, unmistakable imitation of Phoenix's notorious performance on David Letternan is as good a sign as any that Phoenix, who has declared himself retired from acting, is now being as much pushed out of the Hollywood community as leaving it.

5. Tina Fey and Steve Martin's Scientology dig

Or maybe they were talking about some other "made up" religion involving an alien king scattering seeds across the Earth to "fuel our positive transfers." But you don't have to be a Clear to know that's unlikely. (Though this is the best bit, Fey and Martin's overall routine was excellent. As was their rapport.)

4. Heath Ledger's family accepts his award

The late Dark Knight actor received a touching tribute from his father, mother and eager sister. But what happened to the mother of his child, Michelle Williams? She wasn't even mentioned.

3. Kate Winslet's whistle

The Englishwoman's Best Actress win was widely expected; her sweet call-and-response with her father was not.

2. Dustin Lance Black on gay rights: "God does love you."

The Mormon-raised Milk screenwriter once found inspiration and emotional sustenance in California. With his heartfelt message to "gay and lesbian kids," Black returned the favor.

1. Sean Penn: "You Commie, homo-loving sons of guns."

Accepting for Best Actor, Penn killed. The tightly-wound actor was charmingly self-deprecating. And his cutting comments on California's gay marriage ban, which came near the end of the Oscar telecast, provided the perfect bookend for Black's statements, near the start.

Life & Style is running with a rumor that Penn is circling Larry while Johnny Depp is eyed for Moe—and while we wouldn't normally put much credence in L&S's crack Hollywood investigatory team, initially skeptical site Filmdrunk received this tip today:

I've got a source who says Billy West (famous voice actor from Futurama and Ren & Stimpy, among other things) is meeting with Sean Penn today and tomorrow to help him prep his Larry impression - so that part of the rumor is at least partially true.

West based his Stimpy voice on the Stooges' Larry and used to impersonate him on Howard Stern's show, so he's certainly a plausible coach for Penn to hire. But Larry? Really? Like, we're aware that it was Curly, not Larry, who squawked, "Nyuk-Nyuk," but we couldn't even conceive of a good Larry quote to make this post's headline.

Still, maybe it was this Peter Farrelly quote (from a 2004 New Yorker article) that wooed Penn: "Growing up, first you watched Curly, then Moe, and then your eyes got to Larry. He's the reactor, the most vulnerable. Five to fourteen, Curly; fourteen to twenty-one, Moe. Anyone out of college, if you're not looking at Larry, you don't have a good brain." All right, Peter—if you say so. Get Mickey Rourke to open up an old rivalry as Curly, and we'll take your word for it.

• WELL THIS SEEMS UNLIKELY [Filmdrunk]

Making peace with Sean Penn:

MICKEY Rourke and Sean Penn seem to have smoked a peace pipe. Penn was said to be furious after Rourke - in line for an Oscar for his turn in "The Wrestler" - called Penn a "homophobe" and an "average" actor following Penn's performance in "Milk." But the two were at the Sunset Tower hotel pool Monday afternoon having drinks together. A spy said, "Mickey had his little Chihuahua with him for moral support - he looked a little nervous around Sean. Everyone knows Sean can hold a grudge. It was weird, though - some guy they both knew came over with a video camera and started recording them."

Defamer has obtained the footage. What follows is a transcript of the last minutes of the exchange:
Sean: So what's the dog's name?
Mickey: Jaws. I call him Jaws because when I rescued him, I went to give him a kiss and he gave me two stitches in the face. But I took him anyway. You gotta give 'em hope.
Sean: I see what you did there...He was a broken down peace of carne asada.
[They laugh. Long pause]
Mickey: Yeah, so, that stuff...about you being a homophone.
Sean: A homophobe.
Mickey: Yeah. That was just trash talk, you know. Keep the fight interestin'. I was just thinking about that all-night poker game at Pat Hingle's house. When you called Timothy Hutton a flouncy ballsucker.
Sean: I said that?
Mickey: I'm pretty sure you did. I was pretty coked up at the time.
[Jaws starts whimpering.]
Mickey: And the stuff about you being a mediocre actor. I didn't really mean that. Except I Am Sam. That was just embarrassing to watch. I mean, c'mon, have you actually sat down and wa—
[Jaws urinates in Mickey's lap.]
Mickey: JAWS! Not again, Jaws. Jesus Christ. Sean, could you be a pal and put some ice cubes in a napkin and pass it over here?
[Sean makes a check-signing gesture at a passing server.]

[Photo: AP]

• NO HARD FEELINGS [NY Post]

• Was Katie Holmes smoking with Sean Penn and angry curser Josh Broslin in a blatant attempt to make L. Ron Hubbard's thetan soul cry? [Gatecrasher]
• Madonna returned to Jerry Seinfeld's East Hampton home with Alex Rodriguez, just like she and A-Rod did before they got divorced, or whatever it is non-married, non-sexually-involved-yet-creepily-attached "friends" do when they fight. [P6]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spent $40 million on a mansion on Long Island's Gold Coast. It's got 25 rooms and 18 bathrooms, so some of the kids will have to share. Also: A fallout shelter. [Gatecrasher]
• Kanye West would like to be known as Martin Louis the King, Jr. Thank you. [Daily Star]
• Adamantly defending the healthy image of his client, Lindsay Lohan's flack announced the star recently "ate two full meals. "He didn't mention whether she kept the meals down but, you know, one calorie at a time. [P6]
• The remains of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry and his wife Majel will be shot into space via rocket. [AP]
• Jennifer Lopez picked out a Broadway play to star in. Everything else is apparently a formality. [P6]
• Oprah will not run for senate, probably because it would be a net loss, power-wise. [Us]

• Paris Hilton made out with long-rumored lover Chris DeWolfe, the CEO of MySpace, in Sundance. They were spotted in action twice.
• Supposedly, there's a new Hilton sex tape showing her in a "state of arousal" in the back of a New York taxi. At least someone is aroused at the thought of Paris Hilton get sexual in a Gotham taxi. [Sun]
• Tom Cruise told reporters in Seoul, Korea that "I've always wanted to kill Hitler. As a child, I used to wonder why someone didn't stand up and kill him." [AP]
• Sean Penn's publicist called the Post to defend the liberal celebrity, for some reason. "Like him or not, Hugo Chavez is a democratically elected official," she said. "So was Hitler," the Post replied. It went on like that. [P6]
• How do you thank your paparazzo stalker after he finds your lost dog while waiting creepily outside your house to photograph you? Welcome to the latest awkward chapter in Jennifer Aniston's life. [Hollyscoop]
• Jennifer Hudson, whose mother, brother and nephew were murdered in October, will sing at the Grammy Awards next month. [Sun]