Taylor Swift's "BFF" Ed Sheeran has determined that for her next record, she should date 37-year-old elf boy Orlando Bloom. The Mirror reports that in an interview with Event magazine, Sheeran noted that Taylor and Orlando are neighbors now, which would make a relationship quite convenient.

The wailing you heard emanating from Taylor Swift's Tribeca apartment last Friday was not a cat trying to escape Taylor's rigid grasp, but Selena Gomez, who was crying because no one understands her. Not even her boyfriend understands her.

As tensions increase overseas between the independent state of Orlando Bloom and pockets of extremist Beliebers, you can count on Stephen Colbert to explain the years-long cold war that turned hot this week when Bloom launched a fist at Bieber's face in Ibiza.

Human pissbucket Justin Bieber and fucking Legolas got into a fight last night at Cipriani in Ibiza. According to eyewitnesses and video footage captured at the scene, Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Bieber after he suggested he banged Bloom's ex-wife, Miranda Kerr.

Taylor Swift may have swept the 2013 Billboard Music Awards with eight trophies and eight corresponding expressions of shock, but it was her backstage reaction to the sight of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez kissing that won the night.

Spring Breaking wet blanket Selena Gomez released the video for her new single "Come and Get It" earlier in this week. In it, she plays an angel-baby version of Melissandre the Fire Priestess and sings a coded message to the Monkey God Bieber. One thing missing from her "glam tribal" get up, however, is the bindi she…

Selena Gomez went on Letterman last night, ostensibly to discuss her new movie, Spring Breakers.

Warning: Minor spoilers.

Hey, guys. Have you heard about this guy J.C.? He's a cool dude with some pretty radical ideas. He wanted everyone to be chill to one another, like the TOMS shoe guy, and he wore strappy gladiator sandals everywhere. He ended up getting betrayed by one of his best bros. Yeah, I guess you could say this J.C. was pretty…

Like everybody else in Hollywood, Disney Channel alum Selena Gomez was trashed after Sunday's Golden Globes ceremony. Watch above as Justin Bieber's 20-year-old ex wobbles and slurs gushing praise for the show (which was great on weed, too, according to...uh...one of two of us who led Gawker's Liveblog of the…

Susan Orlean's classic Esquire article, "The American Male at Age Ten," opens with the titular boy's description of what Susan Orlean's life would be like if the two were married. They would "both be good at Nintendo Street Fighter II, but Colin would be better." They wouldn't have sex—just crushes—and "magically,…

Breaking news on the Gomez-Bieber front: last night, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber had dinner together at a Japanese restaurant in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, according to TMZ's highly-trained fleet of spies, the date did not go well, as Gomez allegedly ditched the date after less than 10 minutes. Our own spies in…

Speaking out for the first time since allegedly quitting girlfriend Selena Gomez to date Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin, cult leader Justin Bieber expressed a certain existential malaise in the wake of his first serious breakup.

According to literary journals E! and Us Weekly, Selena Gomez dumped Justin Bieber last week. The two had dated for just about two years. In fact, as Us Weekly reminds us, their relationship started exactly two years ago this month in the world's most romantic restaurant.

Snarling manchild who was raised without rules and should never be allowed to own a gun Justin Bieber let everyone on the Internet know how hard he is yesterday by posing with a fake gun in some pictures uploaded to Twitter.