You don't want to fuck with Justin Bieber.

It's been some time since we were bombarded by a perfect pop song, and even longer since we've been bombarded by a perfect pop song from a young Canadian pop idol, but 26-year-old Carly Rae Jepsen has fulfilled both world shortages with a single, maddeningly addicting song: "Call Me Maybe."

Among potential boyfriends, Selena Gomez picked Justin Bieber. Among iPhone apps that turn pictures into postcards, the singer/actress picked "Postcards on the Run," joining a $750,000 investment round, she just announced. It appears her taste might have failed her, hard as that is to believe.

Lindsay Lohan completes another stint in jail. Kim Kardashian flies to Minnesota to couple counseling with Kris. Avril Lavigne's bar brawl leads to a black eye, a bloody nose, and a split-open head. Monday gossip is a caged bird flying free.

Justin Bieber's not the first person who's been accused of fathering Mariah Yeater's baby. Kate Middleton is already the subject of pregnancy rumors. And after firing everyone else, Hilary Swank gets fired herself. Saturday gossip is highly intelligent, very wise.

LiLo will disrobe for close to $1 million. Demi visits Ashton at work. Christina Hendricks craves things that are "smooth on the tongue." Gisele Bundchen pulls a Gwyneth. Tuesday gossip shakes its moneymaker.

Not really, she's just going to be in a movie where that happens. Also today: Judy Greer gets another chance, so does Chord Overstreet, and Selena Gomez is a hot mess.

Lindsay Lohan heads back to court. George Clooney's girlfriend "debuts" in a see-through dress. Robert Downey Jr. demands forgiveness for Mel Gibson. Monday gossip turns to a life of crime.

Not even Canada wants Russell Brand. Gene Simmons finally gets married, which means he can have sex for the first time. Kim Kardashian is nice to someone. Sunday gossip is ready to go hunting at Rick Perry's camp!

At last night's MTV VMAs, Justin Bieber debuted his new pet, a flesh-colored snake named Johnson. Is this standard-issue horny boy juvenilia, or has Bieber taken a turn for the Jacko? "I have a snake," the adolescent male says, extending his Johnson to his girlfriend. "Stop!" the nubile female cries, pushing the…

Gwyneth Paltrow accepts responsibility for saving a woman's life on 9/11. Terrorists want to maim David Letterman. Jennifer Hudson is prefers losing weight to winning Oscars. The suicidal Housewives star's family might sue Bravo. Thursday gossip is "deeply moved."

Daniel Edwards, the insane Brooklyn-based sculptor behind masterpieces as Suri Cruise's bronzed poop and Britney Spears giving birth on a bear rug is back. Now he's installing a nude statue of pop power couple Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez in an adult film store in Dallas.

Angelina Jolie is planning on abandoning her kids in the desert. Amy Winehouse's clothing is distributed. Casey Anthony's seeking treatment. And another grandkid of Queen Elizabeth II is getting married. Saturday gossip is here.

Matt Damon speaks for Brangelina. Brangelina feed their children crickets. Chris Brown parks in a handicap spot. Leo's mother advises against Blake Lively. Timberlake pulls a diva move. Wednesday gossip fights for its rights.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez crash a wedding. Khloe Kardashian's husband mauls a pedestrian. Rachel Uchitel loses $10 million. Nikki Blonsky is the saddest washed-up celebrity in America. Monday gossip is the stuff of legend.

Wills and Kate visit Canada, only to be shouted at. Paris Hilton and the director of The Hangover remind us why we never, ever want to go to an L.A. nightclub. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber play patty-cake. This is what the Founding Fathers fought for: Monday gossip.

Shia says he had an affair with Megan, but he might be lying. Jake Gyllenhaal gets "touchy-feely" with a lady. Hugh Hefner adds another lady to his harem. Nicole Kidman's baby is a ginger. Tuesday gossip kisses and tells.

If you haven't checked in with Justin Bieber recently, he's still the No. 1 cherubic bionic pop robot in the land. But challengers crowd the base of Heartthrob Mountain. Totally lame challengers.

Crystal Harris has perfect timing—it's too late for Hugh Hefner to cancel her issue of Playboy. Aniston moves in with her boyfriend. Emma Watson dates a co-star. Cee-Lo is tired of being famous. Thursday gossip is moving on.

Jen pulls an Angelina and lands a man. Selena Gomez pulls a Lohan and pleads "exhaustion." Pregnant Tori Spelling's paparazzi car crash. Liza Minnelli's fabulous yard sale. Tuesday gossip keeps its eye on the prize.