Gawker: sensationalism

Plastic Surgery, Hamptons, Summertime, Decadence Combined In One Easy Package

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 23 May 2008 10:39:42 EDT

Because some stories are nothing but blatant cries for condemnation, we're going to allow our disgust to swing around 180 degrees so that we support this idea: A Park Avenue plastic surgeon is offering a $500,000 package deal that includes a summer house rental in the Hamptons, and all the plastic surgery you want! "Within reason," of course. He's also throwing in a chauffeur, personal chef, and a nurse to tend to the surgically wounded. And tickets to the hottest parties, to show off your healing scars! This development is... a good thing.

The positives: $500,000 out of a rich person's pocket. Their absence from the New York metropolitan area from Memorial Day through Labor Day. And Hamptons parties overrun with bandaged, Joker-like figures, grinning grotesquely through their new masks of plastic.

This is like tee-ball for righteous outrage. Give us a challenge, you decadent monsters.

[NYDN]

Brits Win Scandal Title With 'Mr. Gay UK' As Flesh-Eating Psycho Killer

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 02 May 2008 11:32:27 EDT

Once again, American scandals hang their heads in shame. News comes from jolly old England that a former "Mr. Gay UK" has been arrested for murdering an ad executive from a gay magazine, and then eating some of him [Telegraph via Queerty]. Don't get any untoward ideas, though; they were just "friends." The killer also had some flesh from the man's right leg diced up, cooked, and ready to season when the cops came in. That does seem incriminating. Eat your heart out, Jeffrey Dahmer—you never won any pageants at all. A full beefcake photo (pretty much NSFW) of the award-garnering cannibal, Anthony Morley, from the time of his glorious 1993 title win, is after the jump:

[via Mr. Gay UK]

Public Denied Its Rightful Claim To Historic Celebrity-Political Sex Scandal

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:52:36 EDT

Something that our modern age is not equipped to process: a man paying millions for a high-profile sex tape of a famous star, only to keep the thing secret. No special downloads available for $29.95. No DVDs, Cinemax licensing fees, or posters. But that's exactly what an anonymous and principled oddball memorabilia collector did this week when he paid $1.5 million for a 15-minute tape of tragically deceased starlet Marilyn Monroe giving a blow job to an unidentified man—who just might be tragically deceased president John F. Kennedy!

"The gentleman who bought it said out respect for Marilyn he's not going to make a joke of it and put it on the Internet and try to exploit her," said memorabilia collector Keya Morgan. "That's not his intention and I would never get my name involved if that were to happen."
Monroe is clothed and the man's head remains out of the frame for the entire 15 minutes of the film, said Morgan, who watched it.

The man convinced that the mysterious recipient of Monroe's affection was JFK? None other than sworn Kennedy enemy and vindictive crossdressing fascist, former FBI director J. Edgar Hoover!

"The FBI agent that I interviewed said J. Edgar Hoover was completely obsessed. A team of nine individuals were analyzing the tape inside a lab. J. Edgar Hoover brought in a few prostitutes who allegedly had been with President Kennedy and they tried to ... see if that was really President Kennedy."

As there are no precedents in the Gawker archives for this "put your money where your mouth is" display of upright moral fiber, we have no further comments at this time.