In a "high-octane speech" two years ago today, Ecuador granted Wikileaks demiurge Julian Assange political asylum, adding that he may stay in their London embassy for "two centuries." That would certainly be a long time, but haven't we each spent much longer trapped in the Ecuadorian Embassies of our own certitude?

We've all been there. Sometimes when you're sitting in math class at your suburban Christian school, you idly wonder to yourself: Is my teacher masturbating behind that podium right now? You just never know.

Mark Anthony Richardson II was sentenced to three years in prison yesterday for pretending he was autistic and fooling two women into caring for him at their homes and changing his diaper repeatedly. What did they even charge him with?

All you aspiring screenwriters out there, crank up your keyboards, cause here is a "quirky" romantic comedy waiting to be written. A man in Russia broke into a hair salon and the owner of the salon beat him up, tied him to a radiator and kept him as a sex slave for three days.

A man in Kansas City was arrested yesterday afternoon for sexually assaulting a woman on the sidewalk in the middle of the day. When the cops discovered him with his pants unbuckled trying to run away, he told them, "I thought that lady was dead." Oh man.

It won't be long now before we get the answer to that ancient riddle, "What's an appropriate sentence for a man who ejaculates into his co-worker's water bottle for his own sexual gratification?"

Riding a Brooklyn-bound 4 train, amateur photographer Kate Black noticed a man "pitching a tent" and "thrusting his hips" in ladies' faces. Thinking quickly, Kate photographed him, then declared a jihad against the pervert on her Flickr page.