• Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are being seen out and about together, and oh, come on, you know you like this. He's just not prettyboy enough to be probably gay and she's this likable Shiksa you didn't think you'd be able to like but she plays the underdog card so hard it's almost like, you know what, I believe it! And then she gave SNL the best episode they've had in forever and she makes all the other teen popettes we've had over the last few years look like vapid vampire octopus brain succubus machines so, like, we could have it so much worse with these guys being at the top of the Gossip Roundup. Jon Gosselin! Gone. Michael Lohan! Gone. Today we have these guys. Let us all be thankful the gods of pop culture have finally given us something marginally likable. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of Taylor Swift, did you ever think you'd come to the day when one of the guys from Kings of Leon were throwing down for her? These are the same guys who once recorded "Molly's Chambers." Which is about someone's vagina. Those are her chambers. Get it? [People]
  
  
• More likable people! Amy Adams is spawning with her husband who nobody knows. Thank you People for trying to make this a bigger story than it actually is. We, the people who read and write gossip, appreciate this. Because everyone else you cover is functionally retarded. [People]
  
  
• Naomi Campbell has problems going to Art Basel. Because she has a stalker. Why? This is Naomi Campbell we're talking about, here. Also, are models still going to things like Art Basel and pretending like they give a shit about art? 90s nostalgia like whoa. [Page Six]
  
  
• DRUDGE SIREN ASS SHIT RIGHT HERE! Miley Cyrus has a tattoo. It says "Just breathe." Because sometimes she forgets. Literally. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oliver Stone thinks he played Cupid to Shia LaBeouf and his Wall Street 2 co-star, Carey Mulligan. Well, two things here: (1) Shia LaDouche is no longer Shia LaDouche because he's dating Carey Mulligan, who, for the most part, seems like a relatively down lady, but (2) Oliver Stone's way of playing Cupid? Who wouldn't fall in love under the spell of horse-sized 8-Balls? Exactly. Eh, more power to the happy couple. Hopefully they won't end up like a real Wall Street couple and hate each other and become profoundly affected by the sight of the ocean, at which they try to figure out who in their life they would like to throw into it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Julia Roberts is the face of Lancome. Back to that Naomi Campbell at Art Basel article, what year is it aain when Julia Roberts is doing makeup campaigns? This is a weird, weird morning already, and it's not even noon. [NYDN]
  
  
• Wait, so, okay: Rihanna shows up to a club alone and leaves alone. While she's there, her and her girlfriends dance in the VIP area, they don't let any guys get near them, they go to the bathroom together, they get drunk on champers and vodka, and then they leave, while the most popular one amongst them (RiRi) leaves alone. This makes them different than most of a certain clubgoing strata how? It doesn't. Anyway, I hope Rihanna comes out with a good song soon because I don't like talking about her and not having a good song to sing in my head when I talk about her and "Umbrella" and "Run This Town" are kinda old at this point. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, also, Chris Brown says Rihanna cried when she heard his song about what an asshole he isn't anymore. She probably cried because he's still trying to attach his press line to her. And because she has to remember dating that assface every time he talks. Rihanna! She's just like every girl in America with an assface ex-boyfriend. [NYDN]
  
  
• Sports Illustrated's Centaursman of the Year, A-Rod, and Sports Illustrated's Most Magical Vagina of the Year, Kate Hudson, are going to the Dominican Republic for Jay-Z's birthday party. They're going to play Pin The Tail on Dame Dash and do that thing in the Big Pimpin' video where they throw bottles of Grey Goose around on everyone except this time Beyonce's going to give Hov this disapproving look like, Oprah's here, behave yourself and Jay-Z's gonna be like, B, I love you, but pause? It's my birthday, and she'll be like, fine, and Jay will shower a bottle of Goose on Oprah. Awesome. Meanwhile, A-Rod will be galloping about with the other Centaurs of the Dominican Republic while Kate Hudson does whatever the wives of centaurs do when their men are out homoerotically cavorting with other half-man-half-horse-peoples. [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six headline: "Jen's Night Out Has Sour Ending." Let me guess: she went to bed as Jennifer Aniston? OH COME ON TOO MEAN. You're right. But whatever happened, she didn't get laid, and do you really want to read about that? [Page Si....oh, god, I just started reading. She went out with Courtney Cox to a Self Magazine event. And she got served with legal papers in a basket of flowers as she'll have to testify in a sexual harassment lawsuit for her agent. Her life just sucks sometimes, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway was blown away by Cate Blanchett in "A Streetcar Named Desire," which is currently playing at BAM. Anne Hathaway got tickets, Anne Hathaway, I hate you. [Page Six]
  
  
• George Stephanopoulos and his beard are house-hunting for the new Good Morning America host's house. On the Upper East Side. I know it's so 1998 to still think George Snuffuluffugus is gay but (A) so is looking for a place on the Upper East Side and (B) I do and (C) I'm feeling nostalgic today, so here's some Collective Soul. [Page Six]

Happy Birthday, Jay-Z, even though your birthday was yesterday but apparently your party is tonight. Unfortunately, just like the rest of the world, there will be days when you wake up and the Fat Boys break up and everyone will have a problem with Hov, and you know what? Dirt off the shoulder. Dude, you're 40. Maybe time to start a family, have some kids, induct them into the Roc-La-Familia. Maybe even bring creepy Uncle Dame back into the fold. You can even forgive Beans if he watches the kids. Beans and Freeway! They'll laugh at his funny beard. Anyway. You think Taylor and Taylor will ever go by TayTay? Jay-Z's best friend's name is TyTy. Maybe they can all be friends and talk about how much this Gossip Roundup sucked. Happy Birthday, Jiggaman. Oh, and by the way: the crooks who I first got my blogging start with, Young Manhattanite, who, long story short, have their tentacles (or testicles) in everything you read on the internet, are taking over Deadspin for the day. This includes such people as this site's Former Gawker Mascot Andrew Krucoff, former Idolator (and one-off Gawker Weekend columnist) Maura Johnston, and a few others you might recognize. Do it if you dare.

Hov, this jam's to you:

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Apparently on a boozy limo ride home from a few Halloween parties where they were dressed as matching tooth fairies, Paris Hilton's boyfriend Doug Reinhardt threw her phone out the window. It appears that excessive texting annoys him too. Paris got out of the car to find it on the side of the road to no avail. When she got back into the car, Reinhardt started to choke her. Of course, the paps were swarming and friends tried to stop them from taking pictures. Like a good girl, Paris fought back, kicking and screaming at her man. The good news? A photographer found her phone and returned it. [NY Post]
• Real Housewife of New York Kelly Bensimon showed up on time for the Halloween party she hosted on Saturday night, instead of showing up two hours late like she did last year. Hurray for lessons learned. Bensimon was dressed as a sexy Heidi or some such. Also in attendance was Jill Zaron dressed as Poison Ivy from the Batman comics. The real news is that Bensimon and fellow Housewife Zarin are apparently new besties now that Zarin had a falling out with former partner in crime Bethenny Frankel. Because she's still on the show this season, Bethenney has been relegated to hanging out with crazy-eyed Ramona Singer and Brooklynite Alex McCord. As goes Jill Zarin, so goes the audience, so maybe people will start to like this Kelly creature now. [Gatecrasher]
• Speaking of Halloween parties, Tinsley Mortimer showed up with reality crew in tow for an event to benefit cancer charity City of Hope on Friday night at Marquee. "She showed up with 20 people. The crew shot her walking into the venue, but not inside the party as promised," says City Of Hope's Jocelyn Levy. "They just hung out and drank, for free, even the producers. We didn't ask them to come, they called us." Hmm. That's funny, because we were there and we saw with our own two eyes that Tinsley did, in fact, film inside the party. Sure it was in the back by the dessert bar and the production kept a tight perimeter around Ms. Mortimer, but she did actually film inside the party. Don't go trying to tarnish our Tinz unfairly! [Gatecrasher]
• Nicolas Cage is going to miss a New York screening of his movie Bad Lieutenant, because his father, literature professor August Coppola (brother of filmmaker Francis Ford), died of a heart attack. We love it when celebrities actually do the right thing. [P6]
• Elton John has been hospitalized for a bad case of the flu and a minor case of e. coli and has canceled several concerts. All his pairs of sparkly glasses tell him to get well soon. [AP]
• Because her life hasn't been charmed enough, Dakota Fanning is now a cheerleader and the homecoming queen at North Hollywood's Campbell Hall Episcopal High School, which she is attending. Transformation into mean girl is complete. [E Online]
• Mel Gibson's girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, might have maybe had her baby (Mel's eighth) two months early. We hope this isn't like Heidi Klum baby thing where all the tabs were trying so hard to scoop each other that they just started making up the birth. [People]
• John DeLucie the fancy chef at Graydon Carter's Waverly Inn isn't leaving. That's great news for all of us who couldn't get a reservation even if we wanted one. [P6]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams is obsessed with the making of Wall Street 2. Has she not seen a film in the movie theater since the original came out 22 years ago, or does she just have a huge crush on Shia LaBeouf? You decide. [Cindy Adams]

[Image via Getty]

• Stephanie Pratt was busted for a DUI. I woke up late again. Are you surprised on either account? [TMZ]
  
  
• Roman Polanski got removed from Swiss jail for an unknown medical condition (it's probably "I Wanna Get The Fuck Out Of Dodge-itis"). I know this is where I'm supposed to be like I HOPE THEY PUT A SCALPEL UP HIS ASS but (A) honestly I'll save that for the mob rule and (B) they'd probably use a tiny corkscrew instead. Get it? [NYDN]
  
  
• Two books are being written about Mickey Rourke, and both of them detail how he's completely obsessed with the mafia and being a mafia groupie. Apparently, he was hanging out with John Gotti in 1996 when Gotti was arrested, but, uh, wait. There are two separate books being written about Mickey Rourke? The fact that two separate publishers gave the go-ahead for two separate books about Rourke is kind of incredible. Someone should write a book about that. [NYP]
  
  
• OH MY GODDDDD Rush and Molloy, the Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team who front the New York Daily News' Sunday gossip page, have yet again set their moose and squirrel sights on the most boring possible scoop: Michael Jackson's shady doctor of death, Conrad Murray, is looking for a book deal. (A) No shit and (B) who cares? More about the "tragic" ending of The Hills, plz. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan can't tell the difference between a cake shaped like a giant perfume bottle and a giant perfume bottle. I would try to explain how we came to this breaking news, but the anecdote's so patently ridiculous I can actually feel the weight of my cranium lighten having just toasted a few brain cells by reading it. To think, I could've used those on glue. [Page Six]
  
  
• Again, Daily News, really, you guys are lacking in the gossip department on the weekends. Ben Widdicombe, where you at, son? I'm only here two days a week. [Oh, that's right, he quit like, last April or something, but I wouldn't know that because who gives a shit about the NYDN gossip pages any more when Boris and Natasha are your big show?] Anyway: "Michael Jackson's children thrive in more normal childhood after life with King of Pop dad." You're joking, right? This is a headline? They could live in the New Museum and they'd have a more normal life than they did with Dad. Jesus.[NYDN]
  
  
• Penn Badgley has ten secrets the Daily News has "uncovered." He didn't graduate high school, he likes tequila, he forgets the words to the National Anthem, America's Best Dance Crew is his guilty pleasure, and he hates L.A. No, I'm serious, there're five more where that came from, and I'm not clicking over to read them. Thank you, New York Daily News, for basically describing most of America, including me. Unless the next five are "he enjoys huffing paint, molesting animals who're just a few inches too big for the petting zoo, can shove an entire Slinky up his ass, will beat me in backgammon, and plays the vacuum a la Jon Fishman," I could really care less. [NYDN]
  
  
• This is awesome: Shia LaDouche didn't show up for the New York, I Love You premiere and it's being blamed on mean old cokeface Oliver Stone not letting him out to go to the premiere while shooting Wall Street 2. They then note that Scarlett Johansson didn't go, either, because her segment was cut out of the film. Whoops! But you know who those suckers missed? the Post goes on to ask. No guys, please, tell us. Let's make them jealous: "They missed Cloris Leachman, director Mira Nair (who's helming the upcoming "Amelia"), Rocco DiSpirito, Peter Facinelli and porn star Savanna Samson." BAHHHHHAHAHA [Page Six]
  
  
• Woody Allen is now shamelessly casting the world's hottest women and doesn't give a fuuuhhhck what you think about it. Not only is he putting them in movies, but he got Penelope an Oscar, suckers, and he did it in Spain by putting her in a suggested threesome with ScarJo and Javy Bardy. Beat that. Now he wants to make a movie starring Andriana Lima in Rio. Okay, the last few we understand, but just because Adriana Lima's been on an episode of How I Met Your Mother and one of Ugly Betty does not mean you should put her at the front of your new movie, Woody (and yes, truly: Woody). To balance out her skill you're going to have to cast F. Murray Abraham as her love interest, or something. Which I'd pay $10 to see. [Page Six]
  
  
• This Page Six item begins: "Now that "The Hills" is coming to a tragic end, its stars are busy promoting themselves to find new gigs." What the shit? A "tragic end"? Is this like the end of Dead at 21 where they all just fizzle out or get killed by the shadow (Reptilian, obvi) government? What the hell have I been missing on that show? Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bloomberg is Turning Japanese! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM, BAM BAM BAM, BAM! EEEEE! [Page Six]
  
  
• New Yorkers, this one's for you: Vincent Kartheiser and one of the other guys from Mad Men—I don't know who it was, I don't watch that show, because nothing ever happens on it—were seen eating at DBGB, which just scored (a low) two stars from the new New York Times dining critic Sam Sifton, who we need to kidnap in the middle of the night with Adam Platt and Jay "Six Shooter" Cheshes and Ryan Sutton and get him really shitfaced at the Cherry Tavern and make him eat everything off the value menu at McDonalds at the end of the night. Hazing! It happens! The dude's too soft, let's toughen that pussy up! Anyway, the only other important thing you need to know about this item is that Vincent Kartheiser was in the massively underrated Larry Clark movie, Another Day In Paradise, which also starred James Woods saying "fuck" or some kind of variant of it every three seconds and Melanie Griffith being punched in the face by James Woods (this is the most epic moment in the film). I kid you not. Watch it, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• A little girl helped Pamela Anderson carry around the train of her dress at a party because she had asked Anderson if she could, and a bunch of downer assholes like me are being all like, ohhhh, what a biiiiitch, I can't believe she's promoting child labor, Godddddd. But that's a dumb joke and honestly it's really cute that Anderson would let a kid do this. See! We're not all bad! The funny thing is that Tommy Lee's now going to try to get someone to hold up his three foot dong for him whenever he pisses and hopefully it won't be a kid. Seriously, though, you can get some great intern candidates for that kind of thing coming out of the ACC schools. [Page Six]

And oh, what the hell? Good morning, everyone! This day's going to be wonderful. Please sing along:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• The entire Kardashian family—who we've somehow let become famous for having a sister with a big ass—is making a shitload of money. Read this sentence: "Kim split with her boyfriend of two years, Reggie Bush, in July. Kourtney announced she's pregnant with on-off boyfriend Scott Disick's baby in August. And last week, Khloe announced she'll marry LA Lakers forward Lamar Odom after a whirlwind romance of just a month." And Page Six explains how this is somehow a hugely moneymaking enterprise. If you thought the banking crisis was bad, the fact that the Kardashian sisters somehow made a cool mil out of those events speaks volumes about where money's going these days: into the liposucked asses and cheeks of the Kardashian family. Oh, also, this: "'She's negotiating a magazine deal for Khloe's wedding, around $250,000, another deal for Kourtney's baby, and there will probably be yet another deal when Kim eventually gets back together with Reggie,' our insider said." Wow. Just...wow. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Douglas is trying to keep his kids busy while filming Wall Street 2 and while Catherine Zeta-Jones is in rehearsals on Broadway: Page Six spotted him inquiring about children's classes at the JCC. Anything to keep them away from coke-connoisseur Scarface director Oliver Stone and Shia LaBeouf, a psychotic director and the kid who ruined the Indiana Jones franchise. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sometimes, in the world of reality television, people make good decisions: like deciding not to be a part of it. For example: Tori Spelling and whathisname, Dean McDermott, they have that show, right? Well, the producers called McDermott's ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace—a Canadian TV chef. They have those??—up to sign on to the show and create as much controversy as she could. She declined, probably because she knows how much reality TV and the people in it absolutely suck. And maybe she should have! McDermott sleazily left her for Spelling in one of those shitty somebody-wins, somebody-unfairly-loses divorces. Instead she told the producers to fuck off, and also, if her son—over whom she shares custody with McDermott—ever appeared on the show again (censored face or not), she was gonna have to cut a bitch. You go, Mama Bear! Also, she's writing a book called Divorce Sucks. True, but people suck even more than the awful processes they create. [NYDN]
  
  
• Same item: LeBron James goes to a Marquee party three hours late, is a dick to the patrons who came to the clurrb to see him. Heads straight for the VIP, doesn't talk to anyone, gets pissy when he doesn't get what he wants. To the people who fought tooth and nail to go to this thing: what'd you expect? You're stalker-y fans going to a club to see a basketball player be famous. You got what you paid for. Team LeBron. [NYDN]
  
  
• Florida Gov. Charlie Crist made Page Six, huh? He was at some fundraiser at New York Jets owner Woody Johnson's place when someone asked him whether he was for Florida or New York in this week's game. Page Six says he turned beet red. I wish he just turned into a beet. [Page Six]
  
  
• Louis Farrakhan stayed at Russell Simmons' place recently, while Farrakhan introduced "Libyan brute" Moammar Khadafy outside the UN. Apparently, Minister Farrakhan has 75 security guards? Thought having that much security about Farrakhan was soooo 1994, but whatever. It's New York. People love a good posse. [Page Six]
  
  
• And VICE makes Page Six this morning, too. Their director of video and new media, as well as their communications director, have been taken from the realm of politics. VICE is gettin' serious. Alex Detrick, TALKY DOUCHEBAG, or whatever title VICE is going to give him, comes from Andrew Cuomo's office, where he was the press secretary. Kate Albright-Hanna, who worked on President Obama's team as their video person, is going to be VICE's VIDEO HOT NEKKID CHICK, or whatever title they're going to give her. Their spokesperson tells Page Six: "We didn't go to J-school, we don't care about market research or handsome anchors, and we are making up our own rules as we go along. That's probably why all these squares want to work for us now." Comment needed? Fine: yes, this makes me like VICE more. The placement of the item, the hiring, the quote, everything. Good on them. [Page Six]
  
  
• Melrose Place hottie and sister of Elizabeth, Andrew Shue, is getting married! To Amy Robach, who Page Six makes some interesting notes about: "the hottest female on TV" and "agreed to marry (Andrew Shue)" amongst them. Playing up the inaccessibility factor, much? Jesus. Someone lost a bet to a publicist. [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love was charmed by Hugo Chavez. Then again, Courtney Love could also be charmed by a lampshade. [NYDN]
  
  
• Aw. The guy with the fro from Season One of American Idol who lost to Kelly Clarkson is getting married to some girl he's known since high school. That's sweet. [NYDN]
  
  
• Bruce Willis informs readers that he has no plans to start "breeding" again. Good. [US]
  
  
• Jaime Pressly got married, too! Her wed mans is now Simran Singh. His qualifications? ""What's important is that they realize there are other ways of taking care of me that have [nothing] to do with money. Like cooking me dinner or going to the grocery store or picking up after yourself." This is likable. [NYDN]
  
  
• Kelly Rutherford now has a restraining order from her estranged husband. That's sad. On, like, five different levels. [US]

Thank you Megan Fox, for almost single-handedly keeping the Internet reals. Keep on hustlin' that grind playa.

• Noooo! Gatecrasher speculates that there may be some sort of romantic thing going on between Transformers co-stars Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf. Even though we're very confused about how we feel about Megan Fox, the thought of her with Shia LaBeouf is simply soul-crushing. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Todd Phillips, the director of The Hangover and Old School who does the hilariously creepy cameos in his films, is not a big fan of the Writer's Guild of America. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jamie Fox implored people at BET Awards parties not to be sad, but to be glad and celebrate Jackson's life by doing shots and getting drunk and going with Jamie to his hotel room. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• So there's been all sorts of rumors flying that Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Aniston are an item, so Cooper quickly put all of that to rest by declaring that Aniston is "just a friend." Poor Jennifer—Why won't anyone love her? [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ah the perils of being a modelizing international celebrity—Leonardo DiCaprio was touring some temple in Japan where he had to take off his shoes and someone decided to steal them, so poor Leo had to spend the rest of the day in his bare feet. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears has dyed her hair brown for her new agent boyfriend, who may actually be her fiance since she's been sporting a sparkly diamond ring in her finger. [Sun]
  
  
• Even though her birthday isn't until July, Lindsay Lohan celebrated with a party in Vegas over the weekend where she changed her outfit 5 times over the course of the day. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Whitney Port is engaged in yet another fake relationship for benefit of her crappy "reality" show, this time with some real estate broker dude named Freddy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Liza Minelli's ex-husband David Gest is speaking out about the death of his friend Michael Jackson, but that's not why you should click through this link—The reason you should click through is to see the accompanying picture of an increasingly creepy-looking Gest sporting a new hip-hopy kind of look. [Sun]

• After dropping hints that she might be marrying him this summer, Paris Hilton dumped Douglas Reinhardt after they got into a huge fight at a club in Hollywood on Tuesday night after he was making the rap with another girl or something. Her friends are said to be quite pleased about this, saying that Doug was "a douche just like everyone tried to tell her and that he was only dating her for publicity." Poor Paris. When will she ever find true love? [Sun]
  
  
• Shia Labeouf thinks that it's "so freaking outrageous" that some dirty-minded people out there actually think that he has sex with his mother. He wants everybody to know that they only give each other handjobs. [The Hot Hits]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham pranced around London wearing a see-through blouse, seemingly unaware that her boobies were in plain view. So if you've ever wanted to see her breasticles, follow the link. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jessica Alba is being investigated by police in Oklahoma City on vandalism charges for splattering posters of dead sharks all over town or something. [Yahoo]
  
  
• Susan Boyle is set to sing today for the first time since losing her mind during the run of Britain's Got Talent. No word on whether or not she'll be holding her cat Pebbles while she performs to keep her sane. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven is back in town douching it up all over the place, but he's still making time to warn everyone about the horrors of mercury poisoning. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West and his ex, Amber Rose, have been spending a lot of time together. She even showed up at his birthday party at the Spotted Pig the other night. [Page Six]
  
  
• It looks as though Katie Holmes will be appearing on the next season of the Fox reality show So You Think You Can Dance. Tom is going to be so jealous! [Just Jared]
  
  
• Heather Graham's nipples are quite the sight to behold popping out of that lovely blue dress darling. Not exactly Victoria Beckham territory, but still—Wow. [Dlisted]

• Britney Spears is taking her bondage-themed tour to Europe soon and is rumored to be planning afterparties in clubs featuring "naked acrobats, topless burlesque babes and dancing dwarves." [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga doesn't care about the Jonas Brothers' dumb fake chastity vows, she wants to round those boys up, get them all in a room, and have a foursome with them! [Daily News]
  
  
• Human trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is trying desperately to land a gig as a "creative consultant" at a European fashion line, which has caused an uproar among the line's current employees, some of whom are threatening to quit if they hire her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle passed out in her bedroom after crying all day and yelling at Britain's Got Talent producers before she was admitted to a mental hospital. She was also heard screaming for her cat Pebbles as she was being admitted. This story gets sadder every day. [Sun]
  
  
• Winona Ryder said in an interview that she and Christian Slater have signed on to do a sequel of the Hollywood cult classic "Heathers." [Perez]
  
  
• Paris Hilton was kept away from the stars of The Hills on the red carpet of the MTV Movie Awards out of fear that there'd be some sort of catfight break out over Paris recently trashing the show. [3AM]
  
  
• Shia LaBeouf is set to star in the latest film adaptation of a John Grisham legal thriller. [Daily News]
  
  
• Did you see Cameron Diaz at the MTV Movie Awards? Everyone wants to know what the heck happened to her face! [WWTDD]
  
  
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, following the lead of Brangelina, are set to adopt a Vietnamese child very soon. [Sun]
  
  
• Stephen Dorff has apparently had enough of banging silicone-enhanced Hollywood bimbos and is settling down with his publicist. [Page Six]

The former president of South Korea, Roh Moo-Hyun, jumped off of a hill behind his house last night. Roh had been accused of taking $6 million from a South Korean businessman in bribes; his wife was being questioned, and he was to go through a second round of questioning this week. Roh - the first South Korean president to cross the demilitarized zone - left behind a despondent note on his computer before going for a walk with his aide; in it, he wrote: "Don't be too sad. Aren't life and death both a piece of nature?..It is fate."The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

In China, a guy contemplating suicide was actually pushed over a bridge by someone else. Chen Fuchao, piled under massive debt, was standing on a bridge when Lai Jiansheng, 66, decided he was sick of what he considered to be a "selfish activity." Fuchao's standing on the bridge had police quartering off the area, and traffic got backed up. Jiansheng shook Fuchao's hand, and shoved him off the bridge, saluting him on the way down. Yeah. Luckily, Chinese authorities had already partially inflated an emergency cushioning, and Fuchao is in the hospital with spinal injuries; it looks like he's going to survive.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.A British man used Google Earth to figure out the exact location - 200 miles from where he lived - to decide where he was going to end his life, it was recently discovered. British actress Lucy Gordon - who had a small role in Spider Man 3, and played Jane Birkin in the upcoming French biopic based on Serge Gainsbourg's life - killed herself in Paris two days ago (the New York Post chose a typically mongrel-esque headline for their treatment of the AP story: '"SPIDEY' ACTRESS SUICIDE.").

Closer to home, a particularly sick story: a 32 year-old Las Vegas local, Jeff Ostfeld, was arrested for smuggling animal tranquilizers back from Mexico. He claimed they were to help with assisted suicides. Mexican authorities had tipped off American law enforcement that he'd been seen leaving the hotel of an American woman who'd overdosed on said drugs. She had books about anxiety and depression littered about the room. According to his mother, who had no idea what was going on until she read about it, Ostfeld suffers from severe anxiety and depression as well. Elsewhere, a 66 year-old woman became the first in the state of Washington's history to use their assisted suicide law: she was suffering from stage-4 pancreatic cancer, and the pain had become unbearable.

And finally, apropos of Memorial Day, the Washington Post ran this incredibly sad, teary piece detailing the new statistics on suicide in the military.

In 2008, 140 soldiers on active duty took their own lives, continuing a trend in which the number of suicides has increased more than 60 percent since 2003, surpassing the rate for the general U.S. population.

Sure, this is an unlikely roundup for us to take on over the weekend. It's a downer in every sense of the word, and the rate of occurrences of this nature happening at any given moment is probably more significant than an RSS feed full of them over one stretch could ever indicate. But times are tough, people are scared, and it looks like a lot of them aren't seeking help. Even if they did, right now, the 2009 National Alliance on Mental Illness study gave our country a "D" on our mental health care nationally due in no small part to dwindling government resources (though New York, where Gawker lives, gets a "B," the highest grade a state got this year).

Anyway: no punchline here. Just a bad, tragic news cycle. Online, the Suicide Prevention Resource Center has help to offer for anyone you know in trouble. Believe me: I'd much rather spend my Saturday's writing about Shia LaBeouf's cock. Sometimes, too many news items in one week are too much to ignore. And on a three-day weekend, we can probably afford to deal with something serious for a moment that doesn't have to do with the New York Times explaining the fourth dimension of Hamptons Recession Chic. On that note: back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Former S. Korean President Roh commits suicide [CNN]
Passer-By Pushes Suicide Jumper In China [CBS News]
Man Uses Google Earth To Pick Suicide Location [Fox News]
'Spidey' Actress Suicide [New York Post]
Las Vegas man allegedly brought assisted suicide drugs into U.S. [Las Vegas Sun]
Cancer patient first to use Washington's assisted suicide law [CNN]
Generals Find Suicide a Frustrating Enemy [Washington Post]

• Shia LaBeouf more or less told Playboy that he (incidentally) doesn't have the biggest tool out there. Thanks, man, like they don't already know about us. He also tried the "put a pillow under her butt" (?!) move he learned from watching porn, and it didn't work out too well. [P*r*z H*l*on]

  
  

• Some Broadway actor tells Jeremy Piven he's still not welcome around these parts. Okay, so he was the guy who replaced Piven off-Broadway in Neil LaBute's Fat Pig way back when, but still: solidarity, brother![Page Six]

  
  

• Once role-model to young women everywhere Alicia Keys is dating Swizz "Swizzy" Beats, and Beats' soon-to-be ex-wife is very much making it a part of what's probably going to be an excruciating divorce. Anyway, this is what a Swizz Beats produced song sounds like. Rap music! [R & M]

  
  

• E! wants to know what Kate Gosselin needs a bodyguard. Honestly, it's kind of a good question. Why the fuck does Kate Gosselin need a bodyguard? How 'bout those kids, no? [E!]

  
  

• Everyone wants to play Frank Sinatra in Scorsese's recently announced biopic, speculation immedietly goes to DiCaprio, blah blah blah. Johnny Depp, James Franco, etc. You get the idea. [Page Six]

  
  

• TMZ got all up in Larry King's grill about Miss California - you know, the homophobe? - being too hungover to make his show, and he was like, I could give a shit about Miss California. But I could give you this! Blaw! And he totally wrecked the TMZ guy's noise with a nasty ripping of ass, which, really, is what everyone should do to TMZ people. [TMZ]

Good thing someone is! The first film's director, Oliver Stone, has signed a deal with Fox to do a sequel to his 1987 horror movie about the "greed is good" ethos that swallowed up so many New Yorkers in the 80's. Michael Douglas will reprise his role as Gordon Gecko—he won an Oscar on the first go around—but Charlie Sheen (and, presumably, Daryl Hannah) has been replaced. Who's pissy and annoying now, just like Sheen was back then? Shia LaBeouf! He'll play a young upstart, and the current economic clusterbungle will be factored into the story. Allan Loeb, who wrote the sorta-similar cocky young guy movie 21, will pen the script. Stone hasn't really been crankin' out the hits of late, so we are a bit skeptical, though there's some cautious optimism lurking around, because the first one was just so good.

It should be out by the time no one has any money left to buy movie tickets.

The spot now makes little to no sense in glorious HD — polished sound, picture and Shia. The product placement is sharper, and when Megan Fox shrieks, it's just like the night before she slapped us with our restraining order. It's uncanny. And anyway, if Bay doesn't deserve at least three minutes of your consideration on President's Day, we really don't know who does. Enjoy! Again!

• 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen' - Official HD Trailer [YouTube]

Wisely eschewing unecessary distractions like dialogue, a voice of God announcer, and even a rap-metal soundtrack, masterly blowshituplogist and giantfuckingrobotician Michael Bay opts instead to paint stunning large-scale tableaux of Decepticon-reaped destruction, set to atmospheric metallic/windy/echo sounds.

Before fanboys worldwide crap their size 44 cargo pants in anticipation, we can offer some modest relief with news that the release date has been pushed up two days, to June 24. That's a Wednesday—you don't stop, you don't hide, you run. You hear what we're saying?

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Official Site

• Tom Cruise will let you watch "Valkyrie" at his house if you first proclaim your love for the movie in the media. Unfortunately, this offer appeals only to people who haven't read reviews of "Valkyrie," or know anyone who's seen it. [Scoop]
• Paris Hilton isn't saying who, but she thinks she knows who stole $2 million of her jewels and so forth. But other Hollywood types think a serial stealth burglar is on the loose.
• Shia LaBeouf is ashamed of his DUI hand injury, which was more severe than previously thought and only finally fixed two weeks ago. Ben Stiller is ashamed of breaking his hand snowboarding, so he had secret surgery at Mt. Sinai Sunday. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Jennifer Lopez used to send an assistant on tour with now-estranged husband Mark Anthony to make sure he wasn't cheating on her. [P6]
• Michael Jackson denied that he's dying of a terrible lung disease, then coughed. [People]
• Creepy billiionaire Jeffrey Epstein is out of jail five days a week and his former teen prostitutes are understandably revolted at the thought of running into him. [P6]
• Apparently some married couples will go on double dates with a cheating husband and his mistress. Because it could help one of them come up with another gem like "Legally Blonde." [P6]

After the jump: A trip to the resurrection chamber!

· Sci Fi channel has greenlit Caprica, the Battlestar Galactica prequel set 50 years prior. Eric Stoltz, Esai Morales, and Polly Walker will star. [Variety]
· Blockbuster has now restyled itself as a box office for Live Nation concert tickets, hoping it can supplement whatever modest surcharge revenue the venture generates by charging exorbitant late fees if you fail to bring your stubs back in time. [THR]

Boomp3.com

Partially inspired by a recent late night viewing of the 1983 comedy Doctor Detroit and a string of doctor visits, hunky & quirky action hero Shia LaBeouf has started to practice medicine. While the Transformers star hasn’t visited a medical school, LaBeouf believes that he’s done enough research to perform simple house calls. LaBeouf said, “I’m not diagnosing major diseases, but if you got the sniffles or a headache, I’m the dude to call. My bubby has the best chicken soup recipe in the world. It’ll cure whatever ails you.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

"It's automatic, really, we did well with the last one and with that having done well and been a positive experience, it's not surprising that some people want to do it again," Ford said.

I asked Ford who specifically is stirring up the idea of another revival, whether it was Lucas, Spielberg or the star himself? "Really, it comes from the ethos, from the ether. It's natural. It's a way of nature, of course, success breed opportunities ... also we don't stay as closely in contact as we have in the last year, that's part of it." [...]

"It was never a lead-pipe cinch," Ford said. "It was a calculated business risk but I believe it paid off. I was somewhat surprised and gratified to see it did the business that it did. It was successful in almost every market. The first time we showed it to a disinterested outside audience was at Cannes. That's a crap shoot of the first order. Not only is that audience sophisticated and film-knowledgable, it's French! And it's their country and their festival and we somewhat expected to be seriously slapped around. But we were not, we were embraced...it was very gratifying."

No problem — we can help with that. Still, we can't foresee even the most spectacularly acclaimed Indy film outpacing the last one for sheer anticipation and return on investment; have you taken a look at the Indiana Jones PlunderWatch™ Ticker recently? You want a crap shoot of the first order, Harrison? Beat that.

• Harrison Ford says George Lucas in 'think mode' ... [Hero Complex]

Back in NY Reginald has put together an elaborate plan to confront the director during the last weeks of shooting, in Egypt.

"Note- The Riddle of the Sfinks

1- Fly to Egypt as a Tourist (check passport validity)
2- Pay for extra suitcase (pack all Transformers "ideas" notebooks)
3- Arrange for stay with Nubian Brethren
4- Get Limo Driver to set
5- Pose as Prince Alli Ben Satchbone and ask to see "persons in charge"
6- Discuss with Bay Soundwave's viability, Starscream's alt mode and possible use of [Frank] Welker as voice actor
7- Offer Egyptian funding if changes are made- he can try to collect later
8- Return Limo and head back to plane"

Now that the Egypt plan is revealed hopefully Don or someone can put up proper defenses.

And this even doesn't include the illuminating IM conversations with Bay's webmaster ("Also I know that if Bay kept my Hamburger eating scene I would upstage Shia- THAT's the reason I got denied, you knows it Nelson"). We'd say we'll bring you the latest as it happens, but who are we kidding? That's what Michael Bay's Twitter feed is for.

• Reg Brown — The Further Adventures [DonMurphy.net]

1. Eagle Eye - $29.2 million

This opening —the biggest since The Dark Knight juggernaut took off in July— officially marks Shia LaBeouf's entrance into the elite (and diminishing) club of actors who can actually open a movie. Just goes to prove that if you pay your greenscreen dues by battling nefarious CGI robots and swinging on digital vines (not to mention befriending Steven Spielberg), you too can become a major motion picture star!

2. Nights In Rodanthe - $13.6 million

The latest, thoroughly formulaic film from the canon of literary lightweight Nicholas Sparks was a big hit with the older female quadrant. If house porn is your thing, you could do a lot worse.

4. Fireproof - $6.5 million

Kirk Cameron is back, baby! We can only hope that his agents strike while the B.O. iron is hot and sign him up for a project that reunites him, Boner Stabone and Eddie Zeff in a Superbad meets The Big Chill type of caper, perhaps one in which they could track down the present whereabouts of hotties from ABC's late '80s lineup like Jamie Luner, Khrystyne Haje and Tracy Wells.

9. Miracle At St. Anna - $3.5 million

Despite getting a push from Oprah Winfrey last week, it looks like Spike Lee's latest will have a struggle to top Letters From Iwo Jima's $13.7MM domestic gross. Score one for Clint.

14. Choke - $1.3 million

Opening in limited release (just 435 theaters), the latest Chuck Pahlaniuk adaptation fared admirably with a $3,069 per screen average. That said, we have our doubts as to whether Middle America is ready to embrace a film whose climax involves the passing of lost anal beads.

• Weekend Box Office Results for September 26–28, 2008 [Box Office Mojo]