Latimer wrote speeches for Bush, Rumsfeld, Gates, and Mitch McConnell. And his book looks pretty good! There is an excerpt in the next GQ, and an excerpt of that excerpt at Raw Story. There is a bit about how Bush didn't like McCain and was also incredulous at his shitty campaign. And there is this thing, about Palin:

"I'm trying to remember if I've met her before. I'm sure I must have." His eyes twinkled, then he asked, "What is she, the governor of Guam?"

Everyone in the room seemed to look at him in horror, their mouths agape. When Ed told him that conservatives were greeting the choice enthusiastically, he replied, "Look, I'm a team player, I'm on board." He thought about it for a minute. "She's interesting," he said again. "You know, just wait a few days until the bloom is off the rose." Then he made a very smart assessment.

"This woman is being put into a position she is not even remotely prepared for," he said. "She hasn't spent one day on the national level. Neither has her family. Let's wait and see how she looks five days out." It was a rare dose of reality in a White House that liked to believe every decision was great, every Republican was a genius, and McCain was the hope of the world because, well, because he chose to be a member of our party.

Usually these books try a little too hard to make Bush seem deceptively smart and wise, which is stupid, because after eight years it's pretty clear that he is who we thought he was, but we'll believe this story, because moron game recognize moron game.

So make sure to put Matt Latimer's Speech-Less up on the shelf next to your favorite volumes from David Frum, Michael Gerson, and Matt Scully!

See, new RNC chairman Michael Steele masked a reasonable and quite necessary strategy—attracting youths and minorities to the GOP—in the stupidest language possible. But while people like us make fun of him for the language (and for being, generally, a buffoon), people like Joe "The Plumber" The Plumber are actually offended and frightened by the idea of a Republican party that isn't solely controlled by and for "regular people" or "real Americans" which means "aging white men." Like Joe the Plumber.

"Unfortunately we have a chairman up there who wants to redefine conservatism; he wants to make it hip hop, put it in a new package and sell it."

"You can't sell principles; either you have them or you don't," he added, to applause from the audience of 800 people.

Yeah! Your statement almost makes sense but doesn't really! Whoo! You can't put conservative principles in a new package and sell them, you have to have them, or not! Dammit! No colored music!

Later this month, Bristol Pail will criticize Jonathan Krohn for being a total dweeb, and then Ann Coulter will actually shoot David Brooks in the face, for the same reason.

This would make him America's highest-ranking atheist, which is a bit like being America's best-selling prune juice-flavored soda (better luck next time, Congressman Pibb!). But, you know, he hasn't actually come out as one, yet.

"What he calls his 'humanistic' way of thinking he attributes largely to his Irish Catholic mother, a teacher, and his father, a secular Jew, a social worker and his hero."

See, "humanist" is a code-word. Like "lifelong bachelor." "Secular Jew" is not code, that really just means straight-up atheist. But still! Ted himself can't admit to it straight up!

Now Ted was appointed Senator, so the list of open atheist elected to the Senate is still hovering near "zero." But what a step forward, at least until he steps aside to let Beau Biden have the seat in a couple years.

Of course there is an open atheist in congress—Pete Stark of California! And, amusingly, the Secular Coalition of America has a list of 22 closet atheist lawmakers. Atheists are the new gays! How great would it be if there was a mass atheist outing campaign?

It's sad, isn't it, that America just elected it's first secret Muslim president, but we non-believers will probably never live to see the day a fellow godless nihilist reaches that mountaintop.

• 2006: Simon & Schuster published an anonymously-authored screed called "I Hate Ann Coulter" and Hachette Filapacchi offered sneak previews of their hot new magazine Shock! Neither went well.
  
• 2005: Publicist Peggy Siegal famously said of her dermatologist: "She takes the fat out of my ass and puts it in my face, so when you're kissing my face, you're kissing my ass."
  
• 2004: Wonkette's Ana Marie Cox appeared on cover of New York Times mag.
  
• 2003: PETA resumed anti-fur actions in New York.
  
• 2002: The Lower Manhattan Development Corporation picked six architects to design the World Trade Center! Yeah, that also went swimmingly.

• NYT says "[Redacted], you [redacted] [redacted] of the CIA. Go [redacted] a up your [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] until it [redacted]." Ouch. [NYT]
  
• Radar happily repurposes naked pix of Melania Knauss, the third Mrs. Trump. Now that we think about it, we probably should have run these images rather than that of the [redacted] Times op-ed. WARNING: Contains tits. [Radar]
  
• Eat the Press has everything you want to know about the shuttering of Shock, Hachette Filipacchi's doomed attempt to appeal to the "cerebral cortex damaged in a rollerblading accident" demographic. [ETP]
  
• Dave Zinczenko and Dan Abrams move their nonstop pussy party to South Africa for the holidays. Insert your own supbar oral sex joke involving "the bush" here. [WWD]
  
• We're starting to get a little worried about Seth Mnookin. [Seth Mnookin]
  
• Bad news for the Beeb. [Guardian]
  

It is difficult to make a decision to close a title, but I am announcing today that we will no longer publish Shock magazine. The final issue will be the February publication on newsstands December 26, 2006. We wanted to test the French magazine's concept in the U.S.; however, after six months in the marketplace, Shock's performance at newsstands has not produced trends that indicate that we will get the returns that we are looking for. On the other hand, the web site has shown real energy and connection with this young demographic and the 41 page-views-per-visitor-session is one of the highest for web sites at Hachette. The company will maintain the web site ShockU.com and will work toward a redesign and relaunch of the web site in Spring 2007.

We are very appreciative of the dedication and hard work of Editor-in-Chief Mike Hammer and the editorial and business teams who have put so much into producing Shock.

Jack Kliger

Once again I find myself reaching out to all those who mean the most to me...and who I believe I can get away with the most. I'm enclosing a media advisory containing the latest information on the brand new issue of Shock. It's so exciting, that I had to change my underwear twice writing this paragraph alone!... Anywhosers, I would be deeply appreciative if you all were to find the time to peruse our fine fare. Also? Please pass this onto everyone you've ever met with the explicit instructions: "Buy the damn magazine, ya cheap bastards! It's only 2 freakin' bucks!

Consider it passed on, Mike! Full "advisory" after the jump.

**Media Advisory**

To Hell and Back...With Pictures Galore!
December Issue of SHOCK Magazine Hits Newsstands This Week

Online: www.Shocku.com

WHAT: Shock magazine, the wild child of publishing company Hachette Filipacchi Media U.S., delivers the most fantastic and alarming photos from around the globe - and the December issue offers the most spectacular evidence yet.

Here's a preview of what readers can expect:

Breaking Views (p. 8): From shockingly virulent Anti-American protests in Iran to the All-American spectacle of the traditional rally at the University of Texas for the A&M game—the views are as spectacularly different as they are spectacular.

Hard News: A terrifying glimpse inside Brazilian prisons where the inmates have overrun the asylums (p. 18); a look at some of the horrors child laborers face in third world countries AND the United States (p. 37), and the new war in Afghanistan—over drugs (p. 26).

The Story Behind the Photo (p. 42): A frame-by-frame breakdown of the strange and convoluted history of the notorious Zapruder film that documents the death of JFK.

Science (p. 45): Dr. Hiroshi Ishiguro of Japan used moldings of his own body to create a lifelike clone of himself. We were hoping for Keira Knightly...but this is still pretty cool.

Sports (p. 56): An extreme American athlete with a kayak and an apparent death wish takes an eight-story plunge off a Costa Rican waterfall...and survives. We've got the pictures to prove it. We're totally telling his mom.

PHOTO CONTESTS: Shock Us and Win $10,000! Every week, Shock is giving away $250 to the college student that submits the craziest campus photo. The sickest shot of the semester will win a grand prize of $10,000 along with a spot in a future issue of Shock. This contest runs through November 19. Check out shockcampus.com for more details.

Show Us Your Athletic Supporters! Students can send Shock their craziest college fan pics and score a pair of tickets to a BCS bowl game. This contest runs through October 30. For more information, visit shocku.com.

About Shock and Hachette Filipacchi Media U.S.
Shock offers readers the most compelling images from around the world in an eye-popping format never before seen in the publishing industry and captures the spontaneity of life through images from the world of sports, politics, nature and Hollywood. The random, the off-beat and the bizarre are featured in Shock - a new media category that will change the landscape of popular culture.

Wow! Hard news!

Earlier: Gawker's coverage of Shock

Shock is the eyes and ears of a young generation of readers starving for visual stimulation in global news and pop culture. It is an uncensored and unapologetic look at a world that American consumers have not seen before and have trouble believing even exists. It is fast, funny, dazzling and dripping with attitude. It is also smart and informative. It is not a lad book, celebrity rag, sports book or stodgy newsmagazine...yet it is packed with elements of each of these delivered with a completely unique tone and attitude that resonates with a mass audience of young consumers. It should be clear to a reader in just one read that committing to this magazine will help him acquire so much arresting and topical information and images of the vast world around him that he'll very quickly become the go-to authority in his peer group. That's a clear, valuable user benefit nobody else can provide.

After the jump, a look at the November cover.

We're guessing "Tara Reid: Hollywood sag lady" falls under the "smart and informative" rubric.

Earlier: Gawker's coverage of Shock

The release is after the jump.

Contact: Anne Janas, SVP Corporate Communications
Hachette Filipacchi Media U.S.
Tel. 212 767 XXXX, xxxx@hfmus.com

STATEMENT FROM HACHETTE FILIPACCHI MEDIA U.S.

New York, June 27, 2006 Shock Magazine and Hachette Filipacchi Media U.S. stand behind all our actions including the initial securing of the cover photo from Polaris, a reputable photo agency. In its settlement with Michael Yon, Polaris has now acknowledged that it learned after licensing the photo to Shock that it did not have the right to do so.

The Yon photo was one of several images provided to Shock by Polaris in response to a request from the magazine for photographs from the Iraq and Vietnam wars. When Shock selected the Michael Yon photo from the Polaris submissions, Polaris confirmed that it had the right to license the photo.

We respect photographers' rights, and when we learned from Yon — as the issue was arriving at newsstands — that Polaris did not have the rights to his photo, we attempted immediately to find a reasonable solution, including offering to compensate Yon for the use of the photograph, as well as making a donation to Fisher House, a charity of Yon's choosing. Yon accepted the offer and then rejected it the following week.

Hachette continues to stand ready to find a reasonable solution with Michael Yon.

Without being seen to take sides, we're going to have accept Kliger's argument. You'd know if the complaints were coming from actual Shock readers: They'd be the ones written in crayon on lined paper.

Hachette Defends 'Shock' as Retailers Pull Premiere Issue [AdAge]

Drugstore Chain Pulls Shock Magazine; Blogger Rejects Settlement [pdnonline]

Okay, Hachette, you win. Where can we subscribe?

Actions Speak Louder [Michael Yon]

Hachette is paying Yon money and making a charitable donation; Yon is dropping his threats and agreeing that Hachette acted in good faith when purchasing rights from a photo agency, Polaris. But Yon also claims he'd never worked with or heard of Polaris, which raises the entirely unanswered question of whether he's simply lying or the agency is going around selling rights to photos it doesn't own. We'd be curious to look into that — but, hey, we're too busy looking at pix of an elephant taking a dump (p. 81).

'Shock' Reaches Settlement With Photographer [Ad Age]
Earlier: Magazine for Illiterates Can't Even Rip Off Photos Right

No word yet on who's responsible for the incredibly hacky headline "War Is Still Hell!"

'Shock' Surprises Photographer of Cover Image [AdAge]

Visually, the mag looks like a studly version of Us Weekly, taking the celebrity rag's signature bright pinks and purples and beefing them up to manly reds and yellows (it even mocks Us with its own "Who Wore It Best?" feature, pitting Juliette Lewis, Flava Flav, and Thor against one another in viking hats; the jury was "seven gay homeless guys a the bus station"). Other celebrities uncensored-style treats include the requisite Kate Moss-with-blow pic from 1998, plus such gems as Eddie Van Halen's rotting teeth, Val Kilmer sucking Paris Hilton's face and, our personal favorite, the celebrity asscrack guessing game (at right, click to enlarge).

While the celebs-looking-stupid schtick is fun, it's not Shock's strong point (mostly because one can find similar pictures on the web). Rather, its skanky allure is in its newsy photos that you don't typically see any mainstream American publication, presented in full-page, high-res fashion: a Japanese river running bright red with dolphins blood ("Blood Bath!"), a Congolese woman setting herself on fire ("Girl, Erupted!"), and children in danger ("Tiny Hostage"). They're not exactly breaking or relevant (save for the pictures from Iraq), but they certainly make for interesting eye candy.

With little more than big, crazy-ass pictures and a dash of tabloidian prose, Shock won't likely have much cultural impact or media influence. Nor is Shock particularly shocking, but it is stupidly entertaining. And it works — because for once, we're looking at a magazine that's not trying too hard.

Related: Shock Is Here! Shock Is Here! [FishbowlNY]