Our story begins behind a fence. You see, pop stars have to build up walls, to keep out the world — fame is a cage, really. These three hardened, sharpened points represent the past, present, and the future.

You may think this statue means the car has arrived at a polo club. But the horse is a symbol of the yearning to be free. Native Americans equated horses with spirit winds and messengers. Horses also stand for strength and hard work. Hello? Britney works hard for the money, so you better treat her right!

Product placement.

Our heroine emerges. No one greets her.

The choice to shoot Britney framed by the crotch of a horse is to remind us that she is a mere human, a small person on a large planet; fragile. Also: Thin, now.

Product placement.

Our heroine has magically changed clothes. She descends a staircase — goes down the rabbit hole, if you will, deep into her subconscious. There's a light on. And a package with some balls. You do the math.

She peeks around the corner.

A man is finishing getting dressed, which means we — er — she just missed him bare-chested. Damn.

Like many men who exist only in one's subconscious, he remains faceless. Also, there are no razors in the subconscious.

Suddenly, the man is astride a muscular steed, brandishing a polo mallet. Note the number 3 — the most mystical number. Three is the first odd prime number, and there are three types of molecular bonds. There were three witches in Macbeth; Adolf Hitler's Empire was the 3rd Reich; shamrocks have three leaves; three little bears, three billy goats gruff, you always get three wishes and there's a Christian Holy Trinity. Britney Spears is only female artist in music history to have her first three albums debut at number one. She married her first husband, Jason Alexander, on January 3. She got engaged to Kevin Federline three months after they met. The book Britney wrote with her mom, Britney Spears's Heart to Heart, was printed by Three Rivers Press.

Shakespeare often made puns about riding — meaning sex. Some believe that when a young woman gets really into horseback riding, she is channeling her sexual urges.

In any case, Britney has changed her ensemble again, so she can watch the action. Note how she wears all black, to signify how deep and dark she is; the white room reminds you: None of this is really happening.

She looks out on the cold, isolated landscape to find her Faceless Man; and the sexy freedom of him straddling a horse. Somehow you can tell that she thinks he holds all the answers, all the keys to the mysteries she can't solve.

But he's just playing with his balls.

It's disappointing, to say the least. This is her subconscious fantasy, dammit!

Product placement.

Product placement. And proof of empty uterus: At least she didn't have unprotected sex with the guy. Also: Thin!

…And: Scene.

The lothario in question, 17-year-old Tyler Frost, goes to a fundamentalist Baptist high school in Findlay, Ohio; he had to get permission from his own school to go to a dance at another school, which is where his girlfriend went. Even after he got permission from his own high school, the crotchety, brimstone shitting principal of Heritage Christian decided to still make an issue out of Frost's date. "England acknowledged signing the form but warned Frost there would be consequences if he attended the dance. England then took the issue to a school committee made up of church members, who decided to threaten Frost with suspension."

Principal England also noted the following:

"In life, we constantly make decisions whether we are going to please self or please God. (Frost) chose one path, and the school committee chose the other."

Yeah. This kid went to his girlfriend's dance, and now he's Forsaken (or something). In the section on pop culture, the school's handbook definitely reads: "[rock is] part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds." This could actually be true; when my 17 year-old cousin listens to Death Cab for Cutie, all she wants to do is get read the Riot Act. Actually, she just wants to go to sleep. She's 17. She loves sleeping. Anyway, Tyler Frost is probably gonna get suspended and have to go to summer school, and he'll be prevented from dancing, and thus, rising up against something. Findlay, Ohio will live to see another day. And because it's Sunday:

Ever since hero Baghdad shoe thrower Muntader al-Zaidi got so many props for almost beaning Bush, Indians have been going shoe crazy:

1. A reporter threw a shoe at the Home Minister from five feet away, and missed (pictured!).
2. A principal thew a shoe at a Congress Party lawmaker. But he was drunk, so whatever.
3. A partisan threw a slipper at a candidate for prime minister.
4. Protesters threw shoes at the Chinese Embassy.

Okay guys it's really only cool once. New idea, for throwing: Movie cameras.
[LAT. Action pic via]

"In that moment, I saw nothing but Bush, and I felt the blood of the innocents flowing under his feet while he was smiling that smile," he said during a hearing last month.

Here in America, "he was smiling that smile" is considered an acceptable legal justification for any crime targeting GW Bush, but Baghdad's fledgling justice system has not progressed that far yet. Muntader was sentenced to three years in prison, which prompted an uproar among Iraqis chanting "Maliki is a dog!" "Dog" is a great insult, which we should bring back in this hero journalist's honor.

Muntader: it was worth it.

Muntadhar al-Zeidi wore leather shoes, the Washington Post points out in the first sentence. Also he was in a wooden cage. "I did not mean to kill the leader of the occupation forces," Zeidi explained. That seems reasonable!

Zeidi, 30, who is charged with assaulting a foreign head of state, posited that Bush's Dec. 14 trip to Baghdad was not an official visit by a foreign dignitary because he arrived to the country without prior notice and didn't leave the Green Zone, which at the time was still under American control.

"I am charged now with attacking the prime minister's guest," he said stoically, making his first public remarks since the incident. "We Arabs are famous for being generous with guests. But Bush and his soldiers have been here for six years. Guests should knock on the door. Those who come sneaking in are not guests."

You know what's awesome about the Iraqi justice system? That defense worked! Zeidi's trial will be postponed while the judge calls up the Prime Minister to determine whether or not President Bush was an "official" guest.

Also he's really trying out for the thrilling Aaron Sorkin adaptation of his story with this one:

"I was feeling the blood of innocent people flow under my feet as he was smiling. I felt that he is the killer of my people and I am one of those people. I became emotional because he's responsible for what is going on in Iraq, so I hit him with my shoe."

Watch out, guys: if this guy gets thrown in jail the people of Iraq might stop loving us so much!

Stephen A. Millies, an Amtrak worker, stood up at the MTA's public hearing on forthcoming service cuts and fare hikes, and demanded that MTA exec Elliot Sander identify himself.

Saying “this shoe is for you,” Mr. Millies bent over to take off his shoe — apparently in an effort to take off the shoe and, presumably, throw it at Mr. Sander.

But the cops stopped him before he got the Red Wing 10 1/2 off. Millies was given a summons for disorderly conduct. Unfortunately his lack of planning for foresight will prevent him from becoming a folk hero. If you're going to throw a shoe at a public official, try something easy and fast to remove, like a loafer, and don't announce your intention before you've hurled the first one.

CNN's Candy Crowley wisely tries to coax some emotion out of Bush by posing as a staunch, outraged patriot:

CROWLEY: Was there ever a part of you that, in reflection, went, wait a second, we have poured billions of dollars, not to mention U.S. blood and treasure into this country, how dare this guy, even if he is a single guy?

BUSH: No, I — look, first of all, I didn't much time to reflect on anything. I was ducking and dodging. And I — first of all, it has got to be one of the most weird moments of my presidency. Here I am getting ready to answer questions from a free press in a democratic Iraq , and a guy stands up and throws a shoe.
And it was bizarre. And it was an interesting way for a person to express himself. I was asked about it immediately after the incident and I said, here's a person that obviously was longing for notoriety and he achieved it. But I don’t feel this is – I’m not angry with the system, I believe that a free society is emerging and a free society is necessary for our own security and piece [sic].

He was ducking, dodging, weaving, bobbing—next thing you know some guy throws a shoe! Whoa, hey! Still, he graciously bestows his mercy upon the footwear jihadist:

CROWLEY: You think they’re going to let them out of custody?

BUSH: I don’t know what they’re going to do – he’s – I’m not even sure what his status is. They shouldn’t overreact.

Several broken bones and seven years in prison should be sufficient. [CNN]

"Muntadar al-Zaidi has suffered a broken hand, broken ribs and internal bleeding, as well as an eye injury, his older brother, Dargham, told the BBC."

All this despite the assurances of "officials" that he was being treated well. We will never trust "officials" again! The positive angle of all this is, when Mr. Shoe gets out of his dank Iraqi torture cell, he'll be able to go out on the autograph circuit, and maybe start a shoe company!

"Meanwhile, offers to buy the shoes are being made around the Arab world, reports say...
According to unconfirmed newspaper reports, the former coach of the Iraqi national football team, Adnan Hamad, has offered $100,000 (£65,000) for the shoes, while a Saudi citizen has apparently offered $10m (£6.5m)."

May he live a long, prosperous, and healthy life. Inshallah. [BBC]

Although al-Zaidi himself is currently locked who knows where with who knows who doing who knows what to him, everyone in Iraq not currently receiving money from the Coalition Forces thinks he is, like, so freaking awesome. They've demonstrated in the streets for his release, futilely! Now let's hear what the "ARAB STREET" (thanks, Tom Friedman!) has to say. The religious version:

“I swear by God that all Iraqis with their different nationalities are glad about this act,” said Yaareb Yousif Matti, a 45-year-old teacher from Mosul.

Quite! The diplomatic version:

“Although that action was not expressed in a civilized manner, it showed the Iraqi’s feelings, which oppose American occupation,” said Dr. Qutaiba Rajaa, a 58-year old physician.

The academic version:

"The flying shoe speaks more for Arab public opinion than all the despots/puppets that Bush meets with during his travels in the Middle East," Khalil wrote at angryarab.blogspot.com.

And finally, the historic context version:

"It was so gratifying to see Bush being hit in this manner. It was especially gratifying that it happened toward the end of his presidency because this is how he will be forever remembered," said Nermine Gabaly, a 32-year-old homemaker.

In the end, Bush sucked shoe.

[WP, NYT]

Al-Zaidi is a 28-year-old journalist for Al Baghdadia, and Iraqi TV station. So what exactly is the penalty for throwing a shoe at Dubya?

[Iraqi Prime Minister] Maliki’s security agents jumped on the man, wrestled him to the floor and hustled him out of the room. They kicked him and beat him until “he was crying like a woman,” said Mohammed Taher, a reporter for Afaq, a television station owned by the Dawa Party, which is led by Mr. Maliki. Mr. Zaidi was then detained on unspecified charges.

Okay! And you can only imagine how his day is going today. It can only get worse. Sure, making Bush hit the deck twice on live TV is worth an ass whupping. But probably not worth a dozen years in an Iraqi prison while being tortured. Luckily, our hero president found a way to turn this into a teaching experience:

[Bush] also called the incident a sign of democracy, saying, “That’s what people do in a free society, draw attention to themselves,” as the man’s screaming could be heard outside.

[But don't worry because his Iraqi TV network "demands" his release so he'll be just fine.] [NYT]

The insatiable British appetite for stabbing their fellow citizens caused bad PR levels to rise so high that Nike had to start pulling the shoes last week—even though they've been selling them for 20 years.

A company spokesman said: "Given the current climate we have withdrawn the shoe indefinitely from Nike's own stores in the UK."

He said the Air Stab name reflected the fact that it was first launched in 1988 as a stability shoe and had no connection to knives or stabbing.

"While it may be an unfortunate coincidence timing-wise, given current problems regarding knife crime, we completely reject the idea that we are in any way condoning or encouraging the issue of knife usage," said the spokesman.

If the Brits decide to start using Lebron James as a weapon, it will truly spell trouble Nike's European marketing plan.

[Telegraph UK via Adrants]

Let's lay out the facts:

1. These ads do indeed depict what is widely considered to be the most humiliating possible thing that can happen to someone on a basketball court.

2. That humiliation arises from the balls-in-face aspect of the dunk, meaning it is fundamentally a homophobic sentiment. At least subconsciously.

3. Nike's ad placement shows they're appealing to a very specific basketball player/ fan demographic. It's doubtful they'd use this same ad campaign for the general public, without some tweaks.

There's also a racial aspect at work here, although it's more fuzzy. One strict interpretation would be that Nike is even more irresponsible for fomenting and supporting homophobia in the black community, where AIDS rates are higher and homophobia is, therefore, more deadly. The opposite, but equally strict, interpretation would be that basketball is a sport with lots of black players at its highest levels, and therefore using black slang, etc. in ads targeted specifically at basketball players is only natural and right.

Leaving aside my unrelated general hatred of Nike, I have to take a slightly more forgiving line with them here. Context is important! Didn't we learn anything from the freaking New Yorker's Obama cover? Hardcore basketball fans would scarcely think twice about these ads, except maybe to chuckle. Trash talk is a fundamental part of streetball.

That said, the larger point is that the joke here—as in other campaigns revolving around ALL OF AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR SPORTS—is based on the implacable homophobia of straight jocks. That can't be denied. So Nike should pull the ads. Or rework them to be friendlier to gay basketball fans, at least. Be aspirational, you bastards! The sad part is that this isn't a new low in homophobic advertising. It's the sports status quo.

A brief list of companies that are now buying your favorite (or not) artists and paying them a bunch of money to make "fun" songs: P&G, Red Bull, Nike, Converse, Bacardi, and Unilever. Plenty of good artistic raw material in there, at least. And the brands involved have exhibited a keen cultural sensitivity about their work:

"We don't just want to talk to people," said Anne Jensen, a brand-building director at Unilever who works with Caress. "We want to give them something that adds value to their lives." She said that Ms. Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls was perfect for the campaign because she embodied the spirit of Brazil. (Though, truth be told, she is Hawaiian, Russian and Filipino.)

[NYT]

Morty: I remember that you loved Sex and the City.
Janet: Oh my god, my life is SO Sex and the City!
Morty: Every girl in New York says that.
Janet: I know. But with me it's really true.
Morty: Every girl in New York says that.
Janet: What do you know? You hated that show.
Morty: Yeah. I think that Sex and the City is a modern, less realistic rip-off of "Laverne and Shirley," but without the monogrammed sweater.
Janet: That doesn't even make sense.
Morty: Of course it does: Two best friends become four. Lenny and Squiggy are now two gay guys. Bowling alleys and pizza parlors are replaced with Pastis and Soho House.
Janet: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
Morty: Come on, you know that if they had cable back then, there definitely would have been an episode where Carmine Ragusa's penis was so big, Shirley could barely put on her pants the next day.
Janet: Goodbye, Morty.

"Allison made it past the first date because I needed a hot companion for my company Christmas party. She was fun and sweet enough, but couldn't spell 'Louis Vuitton' if it wasn't written all over her handbag. And wallet. And shoes. Before I could even ask her about Sex and the City, Allison mentioned the words 'husband', 'pregnant', and 'why the hell are you calling me.':"

Morty: I don't know why you are so hostile to your ex that you haven't spoken to in seven years. Especially since it seems like you've done such a good job rebounding from our relationship.
Allison: I don't consider you my "ex," I consider you my "Y." As in "WHY did I ever go out with you?"
Morty: Funny.... Who said that, Carrie or Samantha?
Allison: Goodbye, Morty.
[HuffPo]

"Sometimes the clothes even match the scenery, as when Miranda wears a droopy yellow turtleneck keyed to the blossoms in Central Park, or when Carrie, reading a copy of 'Cinderella,' wears a sailor’s top with red stripes, which echo the dangling legs of a stuffed toy bug on a shelf behind her.

"Now middle-aged, the women seem to be mellowing. As Carrie says, their 20s were for having fun, their 30s for learning from their mistakes and their 40s for buying the drinks. They are still enthusiastic cheerleaders for fashion, but they don’t seem so overcome by a dress.

"Instead, they struggle with losing their identities, as they transition to coupled lives, to single lives and back again, to life on the Left Coast or to life as a mother. Fashion is the metaphor for the struggle." [NYT]

PêchePlatinum uses PêcheBlu's patent pending ultra-sports shoe base with hand-matched crocodile straps for magnificent comfort. These ultimate flip flops are for those who want to express their individuality in a world of mass production.

Who wants to be seen as just another schlub wearing mass-produced flip-flops? "Our customers wanted more flip flop luxury and crocodile worked perfectly to add quiet elegance, which is the essence of our footwear," said the company's CEO, hilariously.

And here they are, in all their glory. They cost $400. Please email us if you spot these on the streets:

boomp3.com

Following in the steps of Academy Award winner and mega MILF Gwyneth Paltrow, Hollywood's resident goodie two shoes Mandy Moore decided to reveal a bit of her kinkier side via her fancy footwear. Moore has been looking to move beyond "the girl everybody loves and cares for" parts into something more meaty and interesting. Moore said, "The good girl rarely wears a shoe that could be used a weapon to murder somebody. I want people to be AFRAID of what I could do with my shoes. I'm sick of people of wanting to hug me and talk about how much they loved A Walk To Remember. I want to be scary, yet adorable." Upon completing her diatribe, Moore tripped and fell and muttered something under her breath about how she should've never listened to her stupid stylist in the first place.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

As we witnessed a few weeks ago, Gwyneth debuted her new S&M-esque contraptions at a Manhattan benefit, and seems to have grown so fond of shockworthy shoes that she's traipsing around Europe displaying even higher heels, strappier boots, and a pair of Louboutins reaching seven inches high. Paired with her new, shorter hairdo, we're warming up to the newly daring Gwyneth. Soon enough, we may even forgive her for naming her kids after fruits and sea-dividing religious leaders.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• GWYNETH PALTROW PARADES HER CONTINUING OBSESSION WITH KINKY HIGH HEELS [Daily Mail]

But now we have the shoes. Paris is famous for her monstrous size 11 feet (which eerily resemble those of the skeletons that hang in biology classrooms), often revealing grotesque bunions from her ill-fitting shoes. And if her feet look like shit in $500 shoes, we can only imagine the foot pain induced by the $80 knock-offs she supposedly came up with.

So what's the next design innovation from Miss Hilton? She's already given the world the opportunity to copy her two least attractive body parts. We can only assume bras are next.

[Photo Credit: Rex]

• Paris Hilton launches shoe line.... and models them with her own terrifying size 11s [Daily Mail]