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America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again

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MargotheDoeEyedFMachine
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
The last time I was in New York a woman with an ass that looked like the rear end of a Yugo sat down next to me on the subway, literally knocking me into the seat next to me, and proceeded to take out a Jamaican meat patty and greedily shove it down her gullet. I was staring at her in shock and disgust when she let out a huge burp. At which point I started to laugh and when she asked me what the hell I was laughing at, I said, "You, you fucking pig!"

At least in L.A. the human eating monsters stay in their cars and eat and you don't have to bother with them. I seriously don't know how you New Yorkers can stand it, you're a tough bunch.
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Wrapitup
07/01/09

@MargotheDoeEyedFMachine: So much delicious misanthropy here (no pun intended). Please write a novel.
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hamburgerhotdog
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
LOOK AT THOSE HASH BROWNS!!!!

Oh, New York, why can't you figure out how to do them right?! You're breaking my heart.
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Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
Mmmm Breakfast for dinner.
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HiredGoons
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
I have no sympathy for fat-asses. Stop eating crap and get some damn exercise - it REALLY is that simple.
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CherriSpryte
07/01/09

@HiredGoons: It's not, actually. But if you say so!
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Better to Eat You With
07/01/09

@HiredGoons: Well, I'm happy it is for you. But it took me nearly a month of daily (strenuous!) workouts and 1,000 calorie-a-day eating to lose six freakin' pounds. Maybe it's because I live in Indiana. We're all supposed to be fat here, or something.
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krismry
07/01/09

@MargotheDoeEyedFMachine: Poor novels. They're like the newspaper business. Fat and old.
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Spirit Fingers
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
As a true Southerner I reserve the right to put gravy on everything.

1) Biscuits (these work as wonderful gravy dams on your plate if you need to keep something gravy free, but who am I kidding, my Thanksgiving day plate has a moat of gravy love from anchor to shore. What's mashed potatoes without a dollop or seven of gravy? What I ask you?)
2) Fries (of course)
3) Chicken Fried Steak (naturally)
4) Meat Loaf (to not would be unholy)
5) Stuffing (any kind of bread + gravy = goo-ood.
6) Pork Chops (pigs would eat themselves with gravy, surely)
7) Collard Greens (living dangerously. You would think vegetables and creamy, fatty, goodness would be forbidden. Actually no.)
8) Rice (well, rice always needs something)
9) Macaroni & Cheese (because bread crumbs are blasphemy, but some of you know that already)
10) Any and everything that once had a pulse, or had a root in the ground.

Don't mock me. Gravy should come in little travel packets like ketchup or hot sauce. Wait, that's a good idea...
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BookishLookish
07/01/09

@Spirit Fingers: Bless you.
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HiredGoons
07/01/09

@Spirit Fingers: don't forget babies.
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hamburgerhotdog
07/01/09

@Spirit Fingers: I have seen travel gravy packets in Texas...I believe Dairy Queen offers them in white and brown.
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Spirit Fingers
07/01/09

@BookishLookish: Yes, the truly anointed and blessed shall understand the supreme deity that reigns over all us southern people in the form of gravy, needed in regular intervals, injectable, preferably.

@HiredGoons: Oh, don't tempt me, Goons. I maintain that shoelaces would be good with gravy, you think a little baby leg would stop me?

@hamburgerhotdog: That, my friend, may be the most sinful thing ever uttered. And damn! All the money I could'a made. Geniuses.
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tea el eye
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
I live in Colorado, have my since I was 4. I'm 46 and weigh 110 lbs. There's a lot of fun to be had out here and the southern states fry everything..
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BookishLookish
07/01/09

@tea el eye: And yet you do not understand that there are three point in ellipses. Also, did Colorado teach you about the concept of the non sequitur? Or is that not sportif enough?
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CaptainFantastic
07/01/09

@BookishLookish: Be nice.
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BookishLookish
07/01/09

@CaptainFantastic: You know I can't do that, sugarpants.
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ithabeleng metesunyane
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
I think people get fatter in a recession because fast food is cheaper.

Thats one reason why poor people in America are more overweight.

Its kind of ironic that in America the poor people are fat and the rich people stay thin (generally). Quite the opposite where I come from.
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nirreskeya
07/01/09

@ithabeleng metesunyane: It's not really cheaper, certainly not cheaper than making something reasonably healthy at home.
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charliebrowns
07/01/09

@nirreskeya: It's cheaper to eat out if you don't have time to cook at home because you're taking slow-ass public transportation to get to and from work. Also, food stores in poor neighborhoods have inflated prices on shitty food, and carry less produce.
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nirreskeya
07/01/09

@charliebrowns: Fair enough, I am definitely in a situation where cooking my own meals is very feasible (WFH in a small town with a crazy number of supermarkets). The strawberry-rhubarb pie today was excellent. Even when I lived in a city though (in one of the poorest neighborhoods in America) there were two supermarkets within relatively easy walking distance (a couple miles). Maybe I just lucked out though.
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snugbug
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
Hey Ham.. "Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat..!" (Sorry, still in a MJ tributary state of mind.. =)

What's this about Colorado being the slenderest state? NO! That can't be.. I argue my home state of Cali-freaking-fornication is IT. Oh, and PS? We supply the rest of you, US, with fruits and veggies and nuts. Where's the gratitude? LOL!
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bytememehard
07/01/09

@snugbug: Lest you forget, it's a big fucking state -- in more ways than one.
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ChillbearLatrigue
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
How about until America starts keeping their New Years resolution we just take that pesky little Universal Healthcare idea off the table.

I'm not in the mood to pay for Mississippians' eating customs.
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Cicada
07/01/09

@ChillbearLatrigue: How about only the blue states get Universal Healthcare, and all the fatties in the south can go fuck themselves? That seems like a win-win.
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ChillbearLatrigue
07/01/09

@Cicada: I live in Florida. Do I get health care or not? Or does it depend on how we vote from election to election?

@Muggs Bigglesworth: I think about it all of the time. Bad health habits translate to a financial drain on the system. I'm really not interested in the government literally crawling up our asses with a microscope, but if I pay for your healthcare, then yes, I'm going to want to have a look around your colon. I'd actually prefer someone else do that.
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Cicada
07/01/09

@ChillbearLatrigue: No healthcare for you, since you don't want it anyway. Also, Florida is infested with the olds, who are an even greater healthcare burden than the fatties. I say no healthcare for Florida either, and harsh penalties and deportment for anyone who crosses the border to get OUR healthcare. Moohoohahahaha.

*rubs hands together in a mad-with-power way*
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kneetoe
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
Perhaps it's because no one has challenged us the way Kennedy challenged us to get to the moon (which, of course, would be even harder now that we're so fat).
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blix
07/01/09

@kneetoe: If Alice Kramden can do it then so can we, by jingo.
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TedSez
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
I blame it on processed foods. And the economy. And fast-food chains. And high-fructose corn syrup. And fad dieting. And inactivity. And giant portions. And fats. And carbs. And TV. And bacon. And brain chemistry. And toxic chemicals. And bacon. And emotional eating. And artificial sweeteners. And natural sweeteners. And wheat. And dairy. And food allergies. And hunger hormones. And lower gas prices. And food additives. And bacon.

Geez, no wonder we're freakin' fat.
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MrInBetween
07/01/09

@TedSez: Sausage, too. And bacon.
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J. Frank Parnell
07/01/09

@TedSez: Don't forget the newest head of the beast, gluten.
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Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate
07/01/09

@TedSez: Don't forget low-price to mid-price restaurant portion size.
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nirreskeya
07/01/09

@J. Frank Parnell: What's wrong with gluten?
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Conchie Birdie
07/01/09

@nirreskeya: What isn't wrong with gluten?
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nirreskeya
07/01/09

@Conch: Really? My question was serious; I specifically add gluten to most of my breads.
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BadUncle
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
America isn't fat. It's portly.
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MrInBetween
07/01/09

@BadUncle: Momma would say, "pleasantly plump."
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blix
07/01/09

@BadUncle: Just fluffy I guess.
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bytememehard
07/01/09

@BadUncle: Zoftig
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blix
07/01/09

@BadUncle: Girthy.
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blix
07/01/09

@BadUncle: Just more to love or leave it.
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BookishLookish
07/01/09

@blix: Sexy. "Sex kittens don't get fat, they get fluffy." --Cyrinda Foxe
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blix
07/01/09

@BookishLookish: Good one!
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Perhaps Not
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
Pic via thisiswhyyourefat.com, one hopes.
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Conchie Birdie
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
We're in a recession yet we can still stuff our faces. Oh America.
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bytememehard
07/01/09

@Conch: We eat because we're depressed.
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acrobatic rabbit
07/01/09

@bytememehard: I thought we all had glandular disorders?
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bytememehard
07/01/09

@acrobatic rabbit: As my mother would say, yeah, the gland in your elbow!
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City_Dater
07/01/09

In reply to America Breaks New Year's Resolution Again
Sorry -- did you say something about fatties or some such? I couldn't hear you over the BACON.
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homoviper
07/01/09

@City_Dater: made me think of Strangers with Candy: "Sorry I couldn't hear you over the roar of all this fudge"
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milominderbinder
07/01/09

@City_Dater: i discovered bacon-wrapped hot dogs this summer, they changed my life.
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phlox✔
07/01/09

Here's something for bacon lovers everywhere:

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