Should Harvard seek some sort of bailout? If it means Keith Gessen and Lena Chen carpooling down to DC on a fuel-efficient bicycle built for two in order to beg skeptical Congressmen for $10 billion then yes, definitely.

Of course, Harvard is too snooty to beg like mere CEOs of automobile companies. They will probably just try to influence congressional opinion with op-eds and thinly veiled autobiographical novels and episodes of The Simpsons.

But, in lieu of federal intervention, Harvard will deal with this crushing loss of a fration of their massive wealth by freezing hiring in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences.

(Also, breaking: College May Become Unaffordable for Most in the U.S. Oh no! What will kids do to pass the time before they move back in with their parents to pass the time until their parents house is foreclosed on?)

Among institutional investors, school endowments aggressively embraced private equity, real estate partnerships, venture capital, commodities, hedge funds and other so-called alternative investments over the last few years. Endowments with more than $1 billion in assets reported 35 percent of their holdings in these types of investments on average last year, a much greater portion than big public pension funds, for example.

Wait 'til they have to explain to their wives where their mink coat went.

• Use sarcasm to mock the easy life that college students lead: Goodness, I hope these sheltered students will be able to bear the strain of a simulated version of "The stressful task of providing for one's basic necessities and shelter on a limited budget" during the course of "four 15-minute 'weeks.'" That's an entire hour of limited budgets!


• Emphasize the gulf between college students' self-regard and their paltry accomplishments: I bet you feel real accomplished after "experiencing" poverty, eh? Eh?


• Point out that the do-gooding activities of college students tend to help their egos rather than the actual problems at hand: Dartmouth students recently ended world hunger by challenging themselves to survive for one full day on only $2. They also got free t-shirts! Food surpluses are now flowering throughout sub-Saharan Africa.


• Find an example that embodies the simultaneous disconnect from reality and excess self-esteem of the modern student: "Derek Lyon ‘11, who said his experience volunteering in the Ecuadorian rain forest compelled him to eat the $2 dinner Wednesday night, said he believes Dartmouth students are not truly in touch with global poverty and hunger on a daily basis." Dartmouth students outside Derek Lyon '11, that is!


• Quote at least one student whose reasonable perspective makes his peers look that much more ridiculous: “'As a person who lives and sees poverty at home, I think it’s sort of a stupid exercise,' [Zimbabwean Dartmouth student Tanaka] Mhambi said. 'I mean, fasting for a day isn’t going to tell you what hunger is like.'"


• Finally, acknowledge playfully that you yourself may have suffered some of the same defects of the character back when you were in college. (Don't want people to think you're self-righteous): But hey, we all did some ridiculous things back in the old college days, amirite? Can't be too hard on the kids. They're not half as bad as I was! Why when I wasn't getting heavily intoxicated, I was having sex with countless fetching coeds, who were attracted to my "bad boy" persona. Crazy times!

See how easy? And coming after my next birthday passes: "How To Make Fun Of 20-Somethings." [IvyGate]

Meanwhile, Harvard's President Drew Faust told the AP,

"'We need to be prepared to absorb unprecedented endowment losses and plan for a period of greater financial restraint.' Faust's spokesman declined to say much Harvard's endowment has lost during the current economic turmoil."

But she did note in an e-mail that Harvard had to prepare for losses as much as thirty percent. The university has a $37 billion endowment. For now!

For example, one of our sources has heard that most major university endowments (Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc.) are down 25%-30% on a mark-to-market basis. Harvard is also reportedly trying to dump 1/3 of its private equity holdings to raise cash, which would be a seriously distressed move.

As a matter of fact Harvard—which has an endowment of almost $37 billion—is selling off $1.5 billion in private equity holdings, about a third of its total. And market rate now is only about 50% of their face value, meaning they are in serious need of cash. [And don't go too heavy on the schadenfreude, Harvard rivals; Clusterstock also hears that "a rumor is circulating that Columbia's endowment fund is illiquid [can't raise the cash it needs to fund current commitments]."]

What does it all mean? First of all, welcome to capitalism, Harvard students! Perhaps the young Marxists will finally start winning arguments with the B-school students in the lunchroom. Second, the school will have to cut back somewhere—major budget areas like new construction could get hacked. And maybe some of Harvard's notoriously generous financial aid, too! And yes, you teachers may have to actually confront students, in a classroom. Scary!

We've heard no rumors of this sort about Florida State University. Just something to consider. [Clusterstock]

The alumni office at Framingham State University recently sent out a fundraising letter that attempted to be cool and appeal to "Generation X" by using the word "blah" 137 times.

"Today, the fact of the matter is that deserving students need help to finance their education. Blah, blah, blah, blah blah," the letter said.

They raised $2,000. Will Framingham State ever make enough money to teach students the internet?

"But the issue here for me is that Taylor was not just an undergrad posting her observations on her own blog about her journalism class, called "Reporting Gen Y." Rather she was hired — although not for money, according to Glaser — by Glaser as an "embed" to write for MediaShift. So Taylor's post did not simply join millions of other postings in the blogosphere by individuals that may or may not have many readers... Glaser.. assigned this NYU junior 'to go undercover in one of her classes to blog about her impressions for PBS.' That is more straightforward language in this case than "embedded," but it sounds right to me."

"Embedded." Delusions of grandeur, PBS—it's a freaking undergrad class, not a war zone. "First-person essay" or "opinion piece" would be more accurate, much less pretentious, and probably less subject to the various rules and strictures you cite. The idea of "going undercover" in one's own class is absurd. The old-media types are just confused because this was published on the web instead of on paper. PWNED!

[via Romenesko]

IvyGate

One of my friends at Bank of America texted me, 'Hey, we might be buying you guys.' ...I was shocked I would be joining a lower-tier commercial bank.

...Changing compensation will obviously change the attitude of students toward the industry. They might go to med school or law school instead [the horror!]. This is a sad week.

...I'm not sure we want state-owned enterprises.

If you think the complaints are bad now, just wait until more hedge funds start closing.

Come on, federal government, approve a $700 billion bailout for Wall Street with no caps on executive compensation so these poor Ivy Leaguers can get back to improving the American economy again. What are they supposed to do, light their cigars with twenties??

[IvyGate]

(Image from Wall Street via National Journal)

"While the discussion was pretty interesting," our student spy continued, "it was pretty crazy/meta to be
talking about someone whose private life I clearly have been following on a website devoted to this new kind of 'surveillance.'"

I'll say. From the partial reading list below, it looks like we've come full circle: from Foucault to Lodwick. The kids are so screwed.

SC 030 Deviance and Social Control (Fall/Spring: 3)

This course explores the social construction of boundaries between the "normal" and the so-called "deviant." It examines the struggle between powerful forms of social control and what these exclude, silence, or marginalize. Of particular concern is the relationship between dominant forms of religious, legal, and medical social control and gendered, racialized and global economic structures of power. The
course provides an in-depth historical analysis of theoretical perspectives used to explain, study and control deviance, as well as ethical-political inquiry into such matters as religious excess, crime, madness, corporate and governmental wrong-doing, and sexual subcultures that resist dominant social norms.

Professor Quigley later explained, “Yes, I would certainly require a student to ask permission to use direct quotes from the class on a blog written after class.”

How very 1.0. But now you're on Gawker... d'oh!

[MediaShift]

"About 20 minutes later, people start hoarding around the entrance of the cafe, and by 11:50PM, most Columbians, particularly the type of ridiculous, squealing, freshman girl are all harassing the poor guy. At first, he would try not to respond. This made things quite awkward since the gawkers were shameless enough to literally go right up to him in desperate attempts to get his attention. Ha! He thought his headphones had the power to transport him into another world where he could be a student in peace."

Columbia students: any more hottt sightings/run-ins with Franco that we should know about?

[Columbia Spectator]

The University of California- Berkeley and Syracuse University both had to cut their print papers back to four days a week recently, since they were losing money. Howard University had to stop printing its daily paper completely for several months earlier this year, until it was bailed out to the tune of $48,000.

Of course, all these papers continued to publish online. The editor of the Syracuse paper said that "online readership was as high as it usually is" even when print publishing got cut.

So tell us again: Why the fuck is it necessary for a college paper to publish a print edition at all? They're serving an audience where every last person has access to the internet. If a print edition isn't profitable, cut it. It's that simple. College papers are there for training purposes, primarily. There's no reason at all a college paper can't sell ads online, put all its content online, and be just as widely read as it was before.

Print editions of college papers are either fully subsidized by advertising (which is getting harder, obviously), or they have some kind of endowment, or the university kicks in money to help them pay their expenses. Why not take that money and hire some laid-off journalists to teach these kids journalism? This way another former journalist would find a job, and janitors would have fewer things to pick up after entitled college kids, thereby cooling the simmering class war on campuses, leading to fewer administration buildings takeovers by young leftists channeling their rage into fair wage campaigns for university employees.

College papers almost all suck, anyhow.

[Inside Higher Ed]

They sound like commenters when you guys get on my ass for making typos. (Whaddya want? I don't have a copy editor and apparently I can't fuckin' read, I know it! Love you anyway. ;) )

Regardless, misspelled signs are part of this country's charms—I especially enjoy the ones in big cities painted and misspelled by foreigners new to the English language.

Stunts like these are another reason why recent college grads are so unsufferable and arrogant elitists who will soon be humbled once they join the workforce. They got schooled, though: according to the New Yorker, "After pleading guilty to conspiracy to vandalize government property—they had relocated a wayward apostrophe and inserted a comma—the young grammarians were barred from national parks for a year." Good. And take your Wite-Out (TM) with you!

Law School Rankings Reviewed to Deter 'Gaming' [WSJ]

By reducing average class size! Now a full 3/4 of Harvard undergraduate classes have fewer than 20 students. And you know what that means: more classes taught in intimate settings by younger instructors no doubt hungrier for brain sex.

(I have anecdotal evidence of this, even. Earlier this year I met a young aspiring journalist from Harvard named Lena Chen, and she was traveling [to Julia Allison's house, in fact!] with an ex-teaching assistant in tow. I am pretty sure they were having traditional non-brain sex!)

Now that you know that here is some information: it is the 25th anniversary of the journalism world's most pointlessly controversial listicle and still I am pretty sure Gawker has done the only actually funny (and crowdsourced) alternative ranking. Internet people, please put rub your A+ school for B student educated brains together and think us up a new concept. Unsafest Safety Schools? Fairly ridiculous names?

*Ahem, Princeton would like you to know they still hold the top spot in several categories of the Princeton Review and also are beloved by Black Enterprise magazine despite that angry thesis penned by that alumni association Judas Michelle Obama.

Vote For America's Most Annoying Liberal Arts College
College & University Rankings Library
Eating And Shopping In Cambridge [WWD]
Campus Squirrel Listings

Anyone who knows anything about academia knows that the neogothic architecture at the New Haven campus of Yale looks nothing at all like the neoclassical campus at Columbia.

It's true! Yale is gothic and château-esque, while Columbia is neoclassical and Washington National Mall-y. Surely the show's discerning and worldly audience will notice such audacity. What's next? Obama lived in Harkness? Anne Bogart is doing lovely work at Yale Drama? Balderdash! [Portfolio via Balk]

Not surprisingly, Professor Shanahan has a history of acting out. His more notable arrests, according to Hays Daily News, include assault and battery at a T-ball game, and battery "after an argument with his eye doctor."

From the NYT:

“My cousin was working here as a freak, and he got fired, so they hired me,” said Jose, who has been working for only a week at Shoot the Freak, a popular game on the Coney Island Boardwalk near Stillwell Avenue.

“...I was working at a beauty products store, doing inventory, but my brother said, ‘Yo, they need another freak; you should do it,’ ” he said, still texting. “It definitely pays more than the beauty products store. I was making $7.50 an hour. Plus, you’re outside. I meet a lot of girls out here, even though I’m wearing the costume and I’m the freak. They’re interested in meeting the freak.”

The owner of Shoot the Freak, Anthony Berlingieri, said his freaks earned $100 to $200 a day. He said Jose’s cousin was fired because he could not wake up early enough to get to work on time, at 11 a.m.

[Image is commenter Strikethrough's creation.]

"Many schools gradually branched into video editing, Web design and blogging, among other media, as they became more widely accepted over the years. More recently, courses are being organized into concentrations and in several high-profile cases, the programs are receiving significant backing from foundations seeking to improve and reform journalism education for the 21st century.

“I think one of the main benefits of encouraging convergence and learning how to tell stories not just through one medium but many media” — such as video cameras, cell phones, pen and paper, Twitter and other tools — is “creating an environment [in which] you are not just preparing a journalist to tell a story with one method,” said Ellyn Angelotti, an adjunct faculty member at the Poynter Institute, a journalism think tank, and interactivity editor of its Web site."

Twitter. TWITTER. Tens of thousands of dollars a year in tuition and people are talking about TWITTER, perhaps the most idiotic form of communication of our time.

Anyway! @J-School: Late for my YouTube seminar! One last important fact from the article: between 40-60% of working journalists never went to J-school.

In New Media Programs, Who Benefits?[Inside Higher Ed]

"19 years old, works part time, blogs daily, goes to school online. If she can do it, so can you. Have a life and earn a degree." Oh, where to begin.

What an inspiring young woman! How ever does she find the time to blog daily? Anyway, yes. Attending the University of Phoenix: it's just as legitimate as blogging!

(Also someone please photoshop Keith Gessen into this ad and replace "University of Phoenix" with "Harvard.")

University of Phoenix Allies Itself to Bloggers [AdRants]

"Matthew, grow up," Bienen wrote back Wednesday morning. Bienen's e-mail added: "You also sound like a very unhappy person. I am sorry for that. Hopefully things will improve for you over the years."

Ha ha ha! You stupid kids go to school out in the middle of nowhere! Ha ha ha! Enjoy your lame commencement!

[Chicago Trib via Too Much Awesome]

Lucas Brown, a junior at Oberlin College here, was still wet from the shower the other morning as he entered his score on the neon green message board next to the bathroom sink: Three minutes, according to the plastic hourglass timer inside the shower. Two minutes faster than the morning before. One minute faster than two of his housemates.

...The bathroom is the showstopper on the tour. Besides the hourglass timer — Mr. Brown pointed out that it was called a shower coach and cost $3 online — the shower's energy-saving motivational accessories include a picture of former Senator John Edwards of North Carolina plastered to the ceiling.

That was Ms. Bob-Waksberg's idea. No one wants to linger in the shower with someone staring down from the ceiling, she said.

"You could also look at it another way," she said, "that John Edwards is encouraging me to take a shorter shower."

Unfortunately the lame-o editorialist at the Dartmouth Review doesn't except much of it. He's too busy castigating post-modernism and comparative lit and feminists, because he is soooo smart and controversial. (Also: his name is Weston and he uses his middle initial.)

But here's the first line:

"The Renaissance is a period characterized by many scholars as a critique of medieval and religious scholaticism [sic] that concerned itself with the study and revision of certain aspects of ancient civilization in the realm of art, literature, law, historiography, and political theory."

Well. We can see how that outraged her students so much!

Anyway the rest of the essay is about MacBeth and the patriarchy and also how everyone should stop being mean to Priya Venkatesan.

Venkatesan's Thesis: Sound and Fury [DartReview]

Reading Buckley's preface to the 50th anniversary edition describing the contempt heaped upon his book, I was reminded of the reception of my book criticizing racial preference policies, "Losing the Race." Stewards of "academic freedom" dismissed my reasoning as immoral rather than alternate, often having read not more than a chapter or two of the book. Melodramatic epithets flew thick, hurled by people blissfully unaware of the contradiction in upholding free inquiry while readily tarring people expressing certain views as "not with the program."

Visionaries always trod a rocky road.

[NYS]

"It had to be acted on immediately," says Christopher Scalia, the instructor. He alerted administrators, who reacted swiftly, searching Mr. Barber's dorm room and car. Upon discovering three guns, they had him committed to a psychiatric institution for a weekend. Then they expelled him.

Yet the psychiatrists who evaluated Mr. Barber during his hospitalization determined he was no threat to himself or others. Mr. Barber says the guns were for protection from threats such as school shootings. He maintains that his story, titled "Sh—-y First Drafts," was merely a fictional attempt to address school shootings such as the April 16, 2007, Virginia Tech massacre, which left 33 dead, including the gunman. The story "was supposed to show how disturbed people are who do that," Mr. Barber says.

Dogs barking, megaphone order to disperse. Mace brandished. General Disarray. Continued bustle of people. Please send any photos not taken with phone to wesleying@gmail

student quote "what better way to leave wesleyan? it's a spectacle..."
crowd sings the fight song. go wes...?
beautiful yet menacing german shepards. chomping at the bit.

Dogs walking up and down the street. National anthems, paintball guns shot!!!!

STUDENTS FIRED UPON. pellets apparently bounced off ground, dogs chasing students, officers in tow.

Angry students yelling at PSAFE to get police out of here. Pepper spray dispersed. Some violent words. Students restraining other students.

STudents yell about fucking pigs, dogs chasing more people.

Drunk people yelling really, really irately about their rights. "can't even breathe because of that shit they put in the air" car alarm goes off again. Students apparently under arrest.

[Photo: Wesleying]

The pledge reads in part: "I will uphold and apply the highest standards of integrity and ethics. This includes helping others by minimizing harm and showing compassion.... I will act independently and be accountable for my actions."

In the unlikely event I eventually get a decent job with a real newspaper, I will accept my inevitable buyout with grace and good humor. If I go into TV, I will genuflect to Tim Russert and accept his disdain with pride. I will not blog.

All 72 members of the class are expected to sign the pledge, according to Editor and Publisher, and then Journalism will be saved hooray!