In much the same way that "emergency fallback" jobs have now become aspirational, emergency fallback schools are now out of reach for you, the average jerk. The New York Times reports that whereas NYC's six f'n humongous two-year colleges have always accepted everyone, at all times in the past, now they've had to put early deadlines on enrollment and turn thousands of applicants away. "I've never seen anything like this," says Laguardia CC president Gail O. Mellow. "We used to pretty much be an open door."

Unemployment is the new underemployment, and a G.E.D. is the new associate's degree. And associate degrees are the new bachelor's degrees, and bachelor's degrees are totally worthless.

Education is priceless.
[Pic via]

"Car" maker Ford Motor Company, or "FoMoCo" if you want to say it in a more snappy manner, has turned a profit! No one could be more floored than Ford, its investors, the media, and the public at large! Nobody thought they were worth a poot! But they are. They made a billion in cash, so if you were dumb enough to invest in Ford, congrats!

And let's not forget university presidents. Twenty three of them make a million bucks a year. As well they should! Particularly the top three best compensated, the presidents of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, Suffolk University, and the University of Tulsa, the traditional "Big Three" of American collegiate education.

Of course, there are other opportunities out there to make ca$$$h. You can move to Philly and take New York's garbage. You can become a microbiologist and figure out lucrative new ways to divert waste from garbage. You can import cheap fake Native American jewelry, which is garbage.

All you garbagemen wish you had taken that university presidency gig when it was offered, don't you? Live and learn. And eat garbage.

40% of 18-24 year-olds are now enrolled in college, which is higher than ever, although the increase is 100% due to a rise in community college enrollment. And 85% of those same kids are finishing high school, the highest rate ever. And more men are enrolled in college than ever, and more whites are enrolled in college than ever. Blacks and Latinos are both slightly below their all-time enrollment highs, but Latinos are finishing high school in record numbers.

Damned if I can think of a good angle on this.

[Read the full Pew Center Study, for class.]

There's a terrible recession on, okay, and Harvard has lost billions of dollars, and who is suffering? The Harvard Student Hobos. Consider their deprivations: Athletes must buy their own sweatsuits! Faculty members must buy their own cookies! Students in far-flung dorms are being forced to walk upwards of ten minutes just to reach campus—and they must buy their own breakfasts along the way! Excuse Harvard students for being surprised to find themselves in the slums of Lagos or somewhere similar!

"Students generally feel that if you come to Harvard, for what you're paying, you should probably have the right to a hot breakfast," said Andrea Flores, a senior who is president of the Undergraduate Council. "They want to preserve the things that are at Harvard that you can't get anywhere else."

Things that are at Harvard that you can't get anywhere else: Breakfast. Alrighty. The people most affected are Harvard athletes, who must now stumble home from practice and pass out due to lack of nutrients. Luckily Harvard athletes sucked already so nobody can tell the dif. (Except you, Matt Birk!).

"I think the [budget cut] process can hopefully be done peacefully." YEA PROBABLY SO, *snicker*.

E&P reports from the front lines of the controversy that kids are totally not taking the fact that this comic strip ran in their school paper lying down or whatever:

"We don't care if it was a black, white, orange, purple, pink person who wrote this article," Audrey Foreback, a sophomore, told local radio station WYTV. "They should not have been allowed to print it and publish it throughout the school. It's just wrong."

That extraordinarily stupid statement appears even more stupid once you read the actual comic strip in question. Also stupid is the fact that "some students showed up at the student center with nooses around their necks in protest of the cartoon," which simply does not make sense, if the sight of a man in a noose offends you so (unless the offense is only taken when said noose is rendered in cartoon form).

Keith Knight himself is gracious about the whole thing on his blog but what he's really trying to say is: Shut up, college.

[Pic: K Chronicles]

Rather than being provided large plastic trays upon which three or four separate plates covered with—respectively—salisbury steak, cajun fries, and soft-serve ice cream, our young scholars will now have to select only the amount of food that will stack upon a single plate. Then, they will need to transport that plate to a flat cafeteria table some yards away before returning to the buffet to fill yet another plate with more foodstuffs, repeating the process until they cannot choke down one more green bean or industrial-size vanilla sheet cake morsel before returning to their dorms to nap.

Among the expected benefits of this new policy: the calories burned by students walking back and forth from the food-obtaining area to the food-consuming area may be enough to shave several ounces off the famed "Freshman 15," knocking it down to the "Freshman 14.7." With their newfound spry limbs, unencumbered by the fat of that last plate of nachos that the tired student decided would not be worth the sweat of carrying back to a far-flung cafeteria table, our college community members will doubtless feel energetic enough to team up to form environmentally-concerned student clubs and create safe spaces for women there, on the newly-slimmed college campuses. As well as bone more.

As long as colleges don't start fucking with kids' god-given right to make six sandwiches at the sandwich station at lunch and wrap those sandwiches in napkins and smuggle them out of the cafeteria to be consumed later that night, after smoking weed, we have no problem with this.
[Pic via]

1. The Aspiring Teacher's Pet

Dear Dean,
I am passionately interested in Computational Fluid Dynamics, but at the same time I am deeply involved in an international Peace movement known as "Seeds of Peace," as a volunteer as well as a Peer Support Leader. I would like to go to a university where I would have the opportunity to focus on both engineering and leadership development to enable me to influence the peace process between India and Pakistan. If i were to be admitted, is Harvard the right place for me?
My question
- Sahir Zaveri

2. The Current Teacher's Pet

Dear Dean Fitzsimmons,

I'm a current student at Harvard, and I love it here. Thank you for accepting me.

I don't have any questions.
- Julia

3. The Angry White Man (Veiled)

How does Harvard's admissions process reward diversity without committing a type of reverse discrimination against potentially strong candidates who lack any diversity?
- Luke

4. The Angry White Man (Unveiled)

If someone is white, heterosexual, and Christian do they stand any chance of getting into Harvard? Thanks.
- Joe

5. The Angry Rebuttal to the Angry White Man

Dear caucasian applicants. It's extremely interesting how you can all automatically assume that anyone who is colored is automatically less deserving of admissions into Harvard. I graduated from Harvard Class of ‘00.

I'm a Hispanic female with a disability. Neither of my parents finished grade school, much less high school. I grew up in a household where my parents' combined income was less than $30,000. I could certainly have checked off multiple "diversity" boxes, and I did.

But I also scored a perfect score on the SAT's, graduated salutatorian of my class, was class president, went to Nationals in Academic Decathlon, and found time to volunteer. I was able to do all of these things despite my disadvantages. Perhaps that doesn't jive with many of your perceptions of Hispanic females, but you should all stop blaming your inability to get into Harvard on everyone else. Many of my colored classmates happened to work very, very hard to get where they are. They certainly didn't have parents as obsessed and narrow-minded as the ones here on this board.
- JOLT

6. The Crazy Parent

Hello,

My children are in elementary school now, and I am almost panicked about trying to get the "right" education for them in order to go to an institution like Harvard. We are not rich by any means, so we are trying to set a path that will open up possibilities for them. What can we do to get them going in that direction?

Thank You,

George Pfeffer

7. The Guy Testing Out His College Application Essay

Dean Fitzsimmons,

Let me tell you my brief story. I was quite honestly an immature kid not ready for college out of high school. I wasn't a particularly good student in high school, and it followed me to the state school in Alabama I attended for three years, failing most of my classes, and never amounting to much grades wise.

However, since then, I've grown up. I've moved to Atlanta, where I've worked in a Congressional office, worked on the executive board of my local Young Democrats chapter, and am currently on staff for a city-wide council campaign. All the while, I've been going to school full time at the local junior college making all As (with a couple of Bs) and I'm re-taking the SAT in January. In short, I've grown up, and I've put together a record as an achiever in both the classroom and the community since my first try at college.

I want to transfer to an elite school where I can be truly challenged and prepared for my next step, law school. In all honest, what would be my chances to be admitted to an elite institution as a transfer student on the less than traditional path.
- Joshua Smith [Ed.—Your chances are slim without copy editing.]

8. The Person Dumb Enough to Ask a Good Question

Why is college so expensive?
- sminister

9. The Local Yokel Who Also Wants to Ask President Obama About the Broken Stop Light on Her Corner

Why did you only admit 1 Scarsdale H.S. Senior last year?

SHS is supposed to be one of the best public highs in the nation.

The local newspaper runs the issue highlighting recent grads/schools. I am aware some seniors dont submit their names/schools…but 1 seems low.

Back in 80s, 6+ SHS grads headed to Havard

Worried my school taxes are being wasted!
- $

10. The Sane Person

Dear Dean Fitzsimmons,
Don't you think it's absurd that all these people are obsessed with getting their kids into Harvard?
-John.

[Full Disclosure: We did not read all 788 questions. Feel free, though.]

The New York Times says the fancy school for healers was forced to rescind this policy that it put in its handbook and everything, after somebody there, from among the throngs of smart people, figured out it was dumb:

The policy says: "All interactions between students and the media should be coordinated with the Office of the Dean of Students and the Office of Public Affairs. This applies to situations in which students are contacted by the media as well as instances in which students may be seeking publicity about a student-related project or program."

All because they didn't want their students talking to the NYT about how shitty ethics are these days, among doctors! Although the school's dean tried to blame the policy on "the growing prevalence of Twitter." Seriously.
[Pic via]

The New York Post reports (although this story's at least a couple years old) that the rich muckety-mucks living in Jamaica Estates—a neighborhood that, despite being located in Queens, is home to affluent people—have some handkerchief-fluttering things to say about these kids from St. Johns living in their hood:

"We're talking about loud behavior, disruptive behavior . . . students exposing themselves, having sex on the street, all kinds of things you don't want your children exposed to," said Romaine Johnson, 62.

Haha, "exposed." Other neighbors are reportedly "petrified" and "talking about what's going to happen every Friday and Saturday night," which is understandable what with all the street-fucking going on outside. Queens is not so bad after all!

Also home to the Fightin' New York Mets!

There are writers/journalists who've lead lives of reckless abandon and then written about it. Think of Marquis de Sade or even Hunter Thompson (writers whose works I have not read, but whose reputations precede them).

And they, uh, what? Go Gators.

There is really no news.

Kate Levant is in art school at Yale and she came up with this "art" project and Yale shut it down for being, hmmm, too edgy, and we don't want a rerun of this whole abortion blood fiasco and things! Stare into the abyss, of art! Kate told New York mag about her taboo idea that was too hot, for Yale:

I wanted to do a project where the Red Cross would come into the gallery space and conduct a blood drive. There's something really amazing about the regenerative aspect of donating, and I'm interested in how such a personal thing for a donor has an immediate anonymity.

In a non-Ivy League art gallery setting this is known as a "blood drive." BANNED.
[Pic that Yale does not want you to see, via]

This "Princeton Review" would like you to "register" to read their listicles and probably dump who knows how much illegal porn onto your computer, but luckily IvyGate copied and pasted all their content. Look at this blatant traffic-whore scandalmongering linkbait:

Least Happy Students
1. Merchant Marine

Knowing the uproar that would cause amongst Merchant Marine boosters worldwide! And on top of that my alma mater has some of the worst food in all higher education?! What about the bagels?!

Journalism!

Yesterday the NYT introduced us to an entire industry of motherfuckers who rip off (hopefully only) rich people by selling them advice on how to get their spawn into the breathtakingly expensive school of his or her choice.

While the going national rate for such work is about $185 an hour, a counselor in Vermont and another in New York City are among those who charge some families more than $40,000. Their packages might begin when a child is in eighth grade.

"It's annoying when people complain about the money," the Vermont-based counselor, Michele Hernandez, said. "I'm at the top of my field. Do people economize when they have a brain tumor and are looking for a neurosurgeon? If you want to go with someone cheaper, or chance it, don't hire me."

Our sincere hope that anyone hiring these people must have far, far too much disposable income already(here's a pretty modest price chart)—and the fact that these counselors inevitably steer kids towards schools that segregate wealthy lacrosse progenies from the rest of society—are the only thing keeping us from complaining more vociferously, on the internet, about their existence. Luckily for them.

Look, here is a place called "IvyWise" that offers packages costing more than $40K to, what, tell your kid to be smart? They also consult on nursery school admissions. As usual, our anger at Fake Ass Job hustlers is superseded by our envy that they thought of this first. Fuckers.
[NYT. Pic via]

The following scathing anti-grime manifesto was written by Jeffrey Sieben, the IT/Web Manager at the Columbia Journalism Grad School, and sent out via email yesterday morning:

Dear Students,

There have been some comments related to the cleanliness of labs. I
want to state that all labs are cleaned and disinfected on a rotating
schedule, however the primary reason for their sometimes brow raising
appearance is food in the labs.

Any food or drinks at computer workstations is prohibited, there is no
exception. Please keep it at the center table during your busy work
schedules.

Some amount of grime will of course accumulate through normal usage of
public computers however compounded by deliberate food at the stations
is inconsiderate to your fellow students.

Please be considerate and help keep our labs clean! Additionally,
sanitary wipes are available in all the labs should you require extra
cleanliness.

Please send me an email if you have any concerns or are thinking about
calling the CDC.

Take care,
Jeff

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you kids at Columbia? Can't you eat your damn Funyuns and drink your damn Pepsi Max in the quad? Who the hell do you think you all are, James Franco or something?!

If You Are White:

• Your black roommate makes you uncomfortable.
• You make your black roommate uncomfortable.
• You are far more likely to "break up" with your roommate if they're not white.
• You will not be affected academically by your roommate's race, because you care only about your own kind.

If You Are Black:

• You will do better academically if you have a white roommate, maybe in an effort to overcome your inferiority complex.
• Or maybe because you just don't like them and can get some work done.
• If you have a white roommate, your own "positive emotions" will decline.

If You Are Asian:

• Not only are you more racist than any other group, you also make those around you more racist. Scientific fact!

If You Are of a Race Other Than These:

• You are not as interesting to social scientists.

One day in 11th grade, Mr. Romaine got up and sketched out, on the chalkboard, the average expected debts and earnings of two theoretical people: One, who left high school and went to work immediately as, say, a plumber or something; and another who went to college, and started earning only after they graduated and paid off their loans. And hey, a SmartMoney editor (not Mr. Romaine) did the same thing in a New York Post editorial today, proving that college is a huge scam:

[College grad] Bill will have higher pay than [straight-to-work after high school] Ernie his whole life, starting at $23,505 after taxes and peaking at $56,808. Like Ernie, he sets aside 5%. At that rate, it will take him 12 years to pay off his loan. Debt-free at 34, he starts adding to the same index fund as Ernie, making bigger monthly contributions with his higher pay. But when the two reunite at 65 for a retirement party, Ernie will have grown his savings to nearly $1.3 million. Bill will have less than a third of that.

Art history sucks, Bill! And this is assuming that college grads can still get far better jobs these days, which, ha. A/C repair, people. It ain't going anywhere.
[NYP. Pic via]

It's happening. Already, it's happening. You can't run a college just on money from college kids, any more. They leave in the summertime—but there you are, the college, with your buildings sucking up electricity and your football field sucking up sprinkler water and your janitors sucking up meager compensation and all your endowment investments plummeting, and all those things cost money, economists tell us. Colleges need revenue to be incoming in the summer fiscal period or else they are going to be broke ass broke in the remaining fiscal period, you see. So everywhere, from Sarah Lawrence to schools full of less sensitive souls than those at Sarah Lawrence, colleges are selling summer wrestling camps and theater camps and jazz institutes and classes for the public and at Sarah Lawrence even, get this, a program called "Summer in the City" which "involves faculty-led excursions to New York City," because who better to show you the gritty underbelly of New York Fuckin City than a Sarah Lawrence faculty member?

People pay for it, is the important thing.

Consider the alternative. Colleges unable to pay their bills. Tuition skyrockets. Kids can't afford to be in college. A year at NYU, for example, already costs more than a mid-grade surface-to-air missile. If kids can't afford to be there, they'll just be wandering around dazed in Washington Square Park. We all know what happens then:

Joseph Bacon, 45, was busted after duping at least eight NYU students with the crack-pipe version of the "dropped glasses" bit — in which he'd bump into strangers, tell them they broke his gear and demand payment, cops said.

If eight of our best and brightest who are enrolled in school can be duped in this crackhead scam, what hope do they have for surviving in the wild? Kindly, wealthy Greenwich Village residents are prepared to pay to put their own army of Rent-a-Cops in Washington Square to protect the wandering kids from the predations of the unwashed, but will it be enough? Please give and give some more, to your local college wrestling camp. Otherwise children will die.

The idea is Unithrive, the almost sneeringly unnecessary privileged-people-helping-the-privileged online startup that allows "needy" (not really needy!) Harvard students to ask the idle rich for loans. So they don't have to ever work at all for one single minute!

"I have friends who would spend 10 hours a week when they are not in class working at a coffee shop or in the dorms," said Mr. Kushner, 24, referring to time that he considered wasteful. "I think the most special thing about college is not just what you do in class, but what you do out of class."

Haha, that money quote almost justifies the fact that Allen Salkin thought this god damn idea worthy of a full Sunday Styles section feature in the paper of record. But, buried deep, there's this:

So far, the alumni have lent about $4,500 to the nine students who have uploaded profiles.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Yea...that's less than Kushner would have had to pay to hire a PR firm to try to shop his little startup to, like, Inside Higher Ed. But he got a feature in the NYT for free! The real losers: the rest of the world.
[NYT]

Reed has been hit by the recession, like everyone, but what they did differently was to allow a reporter to sit in on their budget meetings, foolishly. This year, they regret to inform you that you cannot attend because you are the variety of hippie who does not have wealthy parents:

Too many of the students needed financial aid, and the college did not have enough. So the director of financial aid gave the team another task: drop more than 100 needy students before sending out acceptances, and substitute those who could pay full freight.

What would Reed College semi-alumnus Ry Cooder have to sing about that?! $50,000 may seem like a stupidly high price to pay to attend the type of school that doesn't give grades and forces you to take juggling as a PE class and sends acceptance letters "in haikus by email" and is generally a place where hippies go to smoke herb and eat vegan cafeteria food and work on their motorized couches for the Renn Fayre and join the Reed Kommunal Shit Kollektiv, but look at it this way: it is a stupidly high price to pay. Thank your lucky stars, poors.
[NYT, All about Reed. Typical Reed pic: Flickr]