We have no problem with the paparazzi, but there comes a point where a picture is no longer interesting if you've seen one similar a million times. There are a million happenstances of this, but there are the ones that really stood out in our mind.

Sienna Miller Walking Her Dog: As we mentioned, Ms. Miller takes the pooch out for a stroll every day on the streets of New York. We've even seen pics of her picking up his poop. The critter is cute, but we are sick of seeing this. Get Sienna stealing people's husbands instead, she does that about as often. [Images via INF and Bauer-Griffin]

Gosselins at the Bus Stop: Just like Sienna's dog, the Gosselins have to bring the kids to the bus stop just about every day. It's always a hassle with all the children, their backpacks, and the photographers waiting to pounce. We didn't like taking the bus when we were kids, and we don't want to see it anymore now. [Images via INF and Bauer-Griffin]

Marc Jacobs in a Skirt: We love that Marc is a little fashion forward and claiming a piece of clothing for the boys that is usually reserved for the women. However, the skirt in and of itself is no longer news if he wears one everyday. It's like calling out Posh Spice for wearing the same frozen alien expression. We've just come to expect it, so it's not exciting. [Images via Getty and Bauer-Griffin]

Britney Spears in a Bikini: Just like Marc, her choice of attire is no longer shocking or titillating, no matter what the shape of her body is. Because she takes lots of vacations and her boys like to go swimming, we get to see her poolside apparel quite frequently. Let us know when she wears a metallic designer one-piece. At least that would be trend news. [Images via Bauer-Griffin]

Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber Walking the Family: The couple lives in New York and has two young kids. That means lots of time walking and pushing a stroller. For most Manhattanites (and espeically Brooklynites) seeing a pretty lady with a too-big stroller is about as rare of a sighting as seeing a crazy person on the subway. If we wanted to see this, we'd brunch in Park Slope instead of staying in bed on a Sunday morning. [Images via Bauer-Griffin]

Lindsay Lohan Shopping: Lindsay Lohan is unhireable. How does she pass the time? She shops. She'll buy anything (except groceries) and she'll spend hours looking for it. She takes friends, family, girlfriends, anyone. She loves to shop. Yawn. The only transaction of hers we want to see caught on film is when she goes to her dealer. Deliver some footage of that and we'll start paying attention. [Images via Bauer-Griffin]

Miller started dating the Wiz (born Geroge Barker) this summer after a controversial relationship with Getty started and ended in 2008 when Getty was estranged from his wife (there were even topless photos of them together) and a relapse this June. The rumor was that Sienna and Slinky broke up while she is in New York on Broadway and Mr. Slinky is spinning away in London, but now Page Six has them back together.

"They seemed very much a couple," said our snitch. "George was talking about how he was excited about their plans for the night."

We don't know who's right, but our snitch says she also saw Sienna shopping at the Only Hearts store in SoHo, but she wasn't with Nobody Beats the Wiz, but with Balthazar Getty. We don't know who is right, and actually it is kinda hard to tell them apart. Either way it makes for some juicy gossip, so we're going to make this one a choose your own adventure. If you want Sienna to start dating Slinky again, turn to page 23. If you want her to get back with Getty, turn to page 53.

[Images via Getty, no relation to Balthazar]

• In other fine-on-the-surface-but-what-the-fuck news: Sienna Miller and her boyfriend, a Brit named DJ Slinky (see if you can guess his occupation), were shopping for vintage underwear in Nolita yesterday, which means they're still an item or something. Still, "vintage underwear" is one of those word combinations like "amateur surgery" or "Matthew McConaughey box set" that you just don't want to see in real life. Buy new underwear people! [Page Six]
• Michael Jackson's rabbi, the wonderfully named Schmuley Boteach, is now advising Jon Gosselin. Maybe he has a bet with someone that he has to provide spiritual guidance to at least one disliked celebrity at all times. Anyway, Boteach advised Gosselin to dump his girlfriend Hailey Glassman. But instead he took her to a restaurant on Halloween and ordered staff to keep all the fake Jon Gosselins away from him. [Page Six]
• Talking of Jackson, TMZ says that kids could identify precise details about his penis not because they were made to touch it but because he thought that peeing in front of people was funny and would just do it all the time. Dr. Arnold Klein, a friend of Jackson's, says he would frequently whip it out and urinate into a cup around groups of people. Which illuminates a whole unexpected frat-boy side of the king of pop. [TMZ]
• Tweens so badly want Twlight co-stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart to be a couple that the two have requested to do separate press for the latest in the series, New Moon, to avoid rumors. An insider tells Gatecrasher: "They really are good friends - and that's all - but they want to avoid being seen together. Any time they're photographed in the same place, the rumor mill just starts all over again, and that makes the paparazzi hound them even more." This particular insider is wise, and clearly a body language expert, and a philosopher and also a little sad for the lost love that might have been. "Honestly, it makes it very hard for them to even be friends," he or she says. perhaps with one poignant tear rolling down a cheek. "Maybe there could have been something between them, but it seems like all of the pressure surrounding their relationship has really killed it." Don't cry Mr. or Mrs. Insider. I'm sure you'll be commenting on a whole different story tomorrow. [Gatecrasher]
• Rihanna has given an interview, to Glamour, about the Chris Brown incident. "I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears," she said of the media circus, in what must be the most unexpected swipe of the day. "It was humiliating," she said of the picture of her bruised and battered face that circulated. "That is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of ... like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it's my life." Apologies on behalf of the internet Rihanna. [Gatecrasher]
• Quote of the day, from Tom Ford: "fashion is one way in which we hold ourselves together. Just because I've become spiritual doesn't mean I can't love crocodile." Ford was telling W magazine about a bout of depression that struck him after he left Gucci in 2004. [Page Six]
• The Kushners treated their son Jared and new wife Ivanka Trump to a plush weekend in Washington, Connecticut. What did the Donald do? Nothing. He just coldly played golf with Samuel L. Jackson and some guy from Law & Order and didn't pay for any weekends anywhere. [Page Six]
• Daniel Radcliffe will go nude in the new Harry Potter. No really. "Daniel Radcliffe appears naked in one scene where Harry and Ron are fighting a magical creature, who fled to confuse and create a vision. In the view we see Harry and a woman embracing and kissing. It's an intriguing scene and very sensual," director David Yates told a magazine. Add your own wands/broomsticks/wizard's sleeve joke here. [Perez Hilton]
• And from last Friday, an ex-girlfriend of Alex Rodriguez tells Us Weekly that he has not one but two portraits of himself as a centaur above his bed. I mean we all have one picture of ourselves as a mythical creature, but two is just vanity. "It was ridiculous," the ex, who apparently has a gift for stating the obvious, told the magazine. She did not comment on whether the lower-body horse associations were justified, but Us did juxtapose this story with one about Kate Hudson telling everyone - including her parents - that A-Rod is a nickname with more than one meaning/he always comes out swinging etc. Also: her PARENTS? I know that in this instance that means Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, and I've seen Overboard and can understand the desire to confide in them, but really. Who launches into stories about fucking with their parents? [Us Weekly]

[Image via Getty]

• Apparently Lindsay Lohan was seen making out and leaving the Sol Kerzner Mazagan Beach Resort launch party in Morocco with 300 hottie Gerard Butler. Wow, the collective tabloid media really really wants this guy to date someone famous—whether it's Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, or LiLo. Either that or he has a publicist who really really would rather have the playboy rumors floating around than the gay ones. Speaking of no longer gay, it seems Lohan has given up women since breaking with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. She's been linked to Butler and model (and SamRo look-alike) Petey Wright. Both Butler and Lohan's reps deny anything untoward happened between the two and Lindsay tweeted (creative capitalization and punctuation is hers), "One minute i'm dumped, the next i'm dating a model, now Gerard? WHO HAS THE TIME! such lies - it keeps me laughing." Well, and it keeps all of us reading. [Gatecrasher]
• Mischa Barton had a really rough Halloween. Not only is she reportedly off the wagon, she had a drink dumped on her in a NY bar by a guy who says she stepped on his foot. She threw a drink back at him (so unlike Mischa, to waste perfectly good booze) and got her friends to rough the guy up before bouncers stepped in. Things were a little bit more civil on Friday night at Yoni Goldberg's Halloween party, where she and ex Brandon Davis just glowered at each other across the room. Maybe she was too "wobbly" to go say hello. [UK Mirror, P6]
• Jeremy Piven is taking this "you are what you eat" thing way too seriously. The infamous sushigate survivor now claims that he quit drinking soy milk because it was making him grow man boobs. And here we thought that babies loved milk. [Digital Spy]
• Broadway is a tiny community, so it makes sense that Jude Law and his ex Sienna Miller, both currently on the Great White Way, would bump into each other. They are denying that they are anything but friends. If they are rekindling their romance, he's going to have to explain why he was sucking face with a hot blonde at The Box the other night. Cause it's not like Jude Law to cheat. No, never. Not him. [People, P6]
• Kate Winslet is our new hero. She sued the U.K.'s Daily Mail when they said she was lying about not working out before the Academy Awards, and she just won a $40,000 payout from the newspaper. She actually wants people to think she doesn't exercise! She looks good, doesn't go to the gym, and is a badass. Amazing. [People]
• Minus Jon and her eight, Kate Gosselin had a special on TLC last night called Kate's Story. The moral of the story is that "a part of [her] always will [love Jon]. We're glad someone does. Actually, we take that back. [People]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams is at some luxury retirement home in Arizona. Then why hasn't she retired? [Cindy Adams]

[Image via Getty]

Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

• Christopher Walken makes dead chicken sit up, stuffs the Eiffel Tower up its ass, and serves it with pears to discerning cat. It's all very French. [Ezra Klein]
• Angelina Jolie slept with her mother's boyfriend when she was 16 because Andrew Morton says she did, but she definitely did not have sexual relations with Rosie O'Donnell who once talked to her on the phone and was instantly terrified. Donald Trump would like to learn that trick but his combover won't let him. [Dlisted]
• George Clooney makes triumphant return to TV! By sending us a Memphis cop/ Elvis impersonator who lives at home. Yup, sounds like drama. [Movieline]
• Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig are starring in some play - perchance you've heard of it? Just walk to Broadway and follow the screams. And now they're going on double dates together. New York has never been prettier.[Lainey Gossip]
• Bea Arthur is a Golden Girl. She willed $300, 000 to The Ali Forney Center, an organization that helps homeless LGBT youth.The Center plans to use the cash to buy housing for 12 youths and name the building after her. [Towleroad]
• Michael Jackson's latest and last movie, This is It, will debut this weekend. Dame Elizabeth Taylor, who has seen a few movies in her time, thinks this one beats them all hollow. "If you listen to his lyrics," she twittered, "they are those of a modern day prophet and it beseeches us to listen to him and what he sang." Roger Friedman agrees. Jeffrey Wells, on the other hand, has a headache and isn't willing to put out to the Smooth Criminal. [Hollywood Elsewhere]
• Jude Law and Sienna Miller, notorious drama magnets and ex-lovers currently working in the same part of the same city, are "self-destructive, self-defeating, horny". Can they remain apart? NEVER! [Celebitchy]
• Brit Hume has guerrilla/pirate fantasies about Obama. [LA Times]
• Diane von Furstenberg got mugged in Spain. However, the next day the Spaniards gave her a "big award" so she's all right. [Page Six]
• P Diddy grabs his junk on a balcony in Rio, offends blogger who runs offensive website who then says offensive things about him. [Drunken Stepfather]
• Mandatory Gosselip Update: Could our long national nightmare be over? HA! As if. [NY Post]

• Oogh. Lindsay Lohan has reportedly (1) been dropped by her record label, (2) been working for French fashion label Ungaro for free, even going so far as to cover her own expenses on her trip to Paris for their show, and (3) has had a camera crew following her around for what appears to be a reality TV show that her PR rep declined to comment on. She also "scooped up" $100,000 in threads from Ungaro while she was working with them, so, you know, at least she got something out of it. But those new lips ain't gonna pay for themselves, sister. In fact, those lips are beginning to look more and more like the sub-prime mortgage of plastic surgery; she's gonna be paying for those things until they get foreclosed on. I have no idea what that means. Anyway: when Michael Lohan begins to look even remotely sensible in any context, you're doing something wrong. Stop doing wrong things. Stop fucking up, Lindsay. You losing your BlackBerry in a bodega is enjoyable gossip. This is not enjoyable gossip. This is Sunday. Don't make us deal with this shit on a Sunday. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brad Pitt ran his motorcycle into a parked car. I'm pretty sure there was a decent "Yo mama" joke about this back in the day, but it's just not as funny when Brad Pitt does it, right? Also, the Daily News uses the old "but he's gonna be fine, ladies" as if they assume their readership of items about Brad Pitt injuring himself is either a majority of or limited to women. Wrong, New York Daily News. So I'll do it for them: Ladies and Men Who Wish Brad Pitt Were Gay As The Day, he's gonna be fine. [NYDN]
  
  
• The Rock, or The Cock? Har har, but no, seriously, Dwayne Johnson sounds like a real asshole. Story: a security guard approaches Dwayne Johnson on a rooftop while he's filming a movie with Mark Wahlberg, Will Ferrell and Samuel L. Jackson. The guard asks The Rock for an autograph for his son, a huge fan, and The Rock shuts him down, saying that he can't give an autograph to everyone who asks. Which is when the security guard grabbed the nearest chair, bashed it over The Rock's head, put him in a figure-four leg-lock, and had his kid dropped from a helicopter onto The Cock's head with one elbow down. I wish. No, instead, he sulked off, saying something about his kid not being a fan anymore, and then The Cock gave him his patented death stare or whatever. Do you smell what The Cock is cooking? Yes, that's correct: horseshit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Speaking of cock, they're turning Cocktail into a musical, and Katie Holmes might be cast in it. Meanwhile, Tom Cruise is probably gay. Just sayin'. [Page Six]
  
  
• And apparently, he'd appreciate the humor of Margaret Cho, who makes gay people laugh. Page Six: the anthropologists of our time. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sienna Miller — currently on Broadway right now doing fairly well — is "bunking" with platonic friends in Nolita right now. Apparently, there're a bunch of celebrities in the building, and she's just added onto their crazy stats. Also, she forced the New York Times to correct a story about her previous boyfriends, but who hasn't forced the New York Times to correct a story about their previous boyfriends? Exactly. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hello, Broadway Geighs! Jonathan Groff of Spring Awakening fame is probably dating Gavin Creel of Hair fame. If you have any idea who the people I'm talking about are, you probably watch Glee. Maybe too much Glee. [Page Six]
  
  
• Roman Polanski candidly discussed his culpability in his situation with Esquire magazine, of all places. Thanks, Roman, for not hitting us up first. Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• It's rare that I feel terribly for Courtney Love, but in this instance, it's hard not to: apparently, she was chased out of LA by her former "handlers" who essentially bugged her every move and tried to extort her nine ways to Tuesday. So: she moved to New York, and is trying to sue the life out of them. Where's Francis Bean in all of this? [NYDN]
  
  
• Signs that Rev. Al Sharpton is getting old and going senile: he gave Joe Jackson an award. For what? Infamously inflicting irreversible damage on his kids? Asshole. [NYDN]
  
  
• No fun here: Andrew Lloyd Weber has prostate cancer. Cats still sucks, however. [NYDN]
  
  
• Bill Maher's in love with his girlfriend, and might marry her. Which is a change of pace for him. [NYDN]
  
  
• Shakira's in Freudian psychotherapy for some kind of oral fixation. The rest of America is fixated on her ass, etc, etc. She's also having a kid and getting ready for it. [NYDN]
  
  
• Morrissey went to the hospital after collapsing onstage and was discharged shorty thereafter; he was having "breathing difficulties." If every day is like Sunday, or at least, Sundays like these, it must really, really suck to be Morrissey. [Sky News]

On that note! Many days are like Sunday! But not all of them. This one, though, definitely.

[Image via Eliot Press/Bauer-Griffin]

• Robert Pattinson's going out partying in Vancouver with Kristen Stewart. So, all you crazy, insane teenage stalkers, get your Canadian visas ready, go forth, and when you're deported for being fucked up and insane Robert Pattinson stalkers, at least pocket some of that BC Kush on your way home for me. I did, after all, tell you where he was. [Ed. Okay, no, but really: the Showbiz Spy item was about a "low-key" party in Vancouver. The title of the Showbiz Spy item was about Pattinson "partying hard" in Vancouver. You know why Robert Pattinson gets written about at all on the internet? Because teenagers use Google, and SEO Sandwich Making Magic is wonderful. Robert Pattinson could take a shit and I'd get at least 12,000 hits about it. Actually, probably far more than that, because we have yet to breach the fourth dimension where we report on Robert Pattison's bowel movements, which, yes, his fucked-up bloodthirsty teenage fans would be interested to know. To Mr. Pattinson, I suggest you eat as many segmented vegetables in the following months as you can. Specifically, anything that would go in a hearty winter soup.] [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Michael Jackson didn't like Pepsi. No shit. As the sole proprietor of Jackson's only assassination attempt, I wouldn't expect Jackson to be anything but a Coke fan, either. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Some guy saw Mike Myers at a basketball court in New York and was like, hey, you're Dr. Evil. Which, well: yes. Correct. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chelsea Handler and her network exec boyfriend are still very much together. They were spotted in Atlantic City—Atlantic City?!—being together. Why, of all places?....Jesus. [NYP]
  
  
• Erin Lucas from The City and Leven "Sister of Mary" Rambin (from Days of Our Lives or whatever shitty soap she's doing these days) went out to Goldbar and saw cameras and Kelly Cutrone and freaked out and ran away. Cutrone, who's hysterical and awesome, had this to say to Page Six: "I think people were partying too hard to pay attention, because those cameras weren't there for me." Which basically translates to "If those bitches weren't so coked up they would've realized that I was just there to get a drink, sans TV crew." [Page Six]
  
  
• Lukas Haas and Miranda Kerr were dancing for an entire night at the Jane Hotel while the dude from Kings of Leon kept staring at them, and oh yeah, she's supposed to be dating Orlando Bloom, whoops. [Page Six[
  
  
• Amy Winehouse got her teeth fixed because in the great tradition of British Teeth, they were sincerely fucked up. Of course, they gave her really strong drugs to deal with the pain, so while she might have nice teeth, now, she's still very much a crackhead, this time, with a doctor's endorsement. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• One of those Real Creatures from Dirty Jersey, Danielle Staub, told Jennifer Aniston not to judge New Jersey and make jokes about it smelling, which she did on Chelsea Handler's show the other night. Honestly, though, most people from New Jersey know that New Jersey smells. But it's like a bog out of which emerges wonderful creatures like Bruce Springsteen, Danny DeVito, and seminal emo bands like Saves The Day, who actually have a song about the smell of New Jersey reminding them of their mediocre lives. If anything, Staub can't smell New Jersey because she's had her nose buried in something—the shit? Blow?—for far too long. [US]
  
  
• Ouch, Ashley Dupré: you got sold down the river for Tommy "Agent Nilla" Hilfiger by Russell Simmons. Simmons was going to take Dupré to Hilfigah's party and Tommy dis-invited her. Simmons, who's not famous for anything other than once inventing Def Jam and nowadays, doing yoga and possibly young men, dis-invited Dupré to the party. But really: who wants to a Tommy Hilfiger party? Oh. Wait. It was at the Jane Hotel. Well, Dupré: sucks! [Page Six]
  
  
• Broadway gossip: Chris Rock was supposed to be in David Mamet's new play, Race, but the word being preemptively put out on the street is that his schedule had too many conflicts. Which, note smirky husband and wife gossip duo Rush & Molloy, is not at all about his wife hating Kerry Washington, or trying to deal with the threat of Kerry Washington on her mans. Not at all. Meanwhile, Chris "Smack Her With The Dick" Rock has a new book coming out, and it's probably pretty good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh oh. As cool as Jay-Z kept his shit when Lil Mama burst on stage with him and Alicia Keys at the end of the VMAs, he apparently freaked out when he got backstage, screaming at producers about security. I like that Jay-Z's biggest security threat these days is now Lil' "Lip Gloss" Mama. My, rap community, how times have changed. "He went ballistic. He was screaming at the MTV producers about the lack of security. He apparently thought at first she was just a fan. Beyoncé finally calmed him down." [NYDN]
  
  
• Same R & M item: did you know Warren Buffet drinks five cans of Cherry Coke a day? I'll be attempting to do this over the course of the day in order to make more money than I did yesterday. By drinking ten. We'll check in on me around 4PM, when I'm out cold from the meanest sugar high crash ever. [NYDN]
  
  
• Celebrities doing nice things: Sienna Miller apparently did really, really well in her first day on the job, not only impressing theatergoers, but greeting her fans outside the theater to sign programs and be generally nice. [NYDN]

You remember, don't you? I was sitting in the back room of the Beatrice about a year ago, drinking a Stella and checking out the 2 a.m. dance floor scene. You walked over and said, "Did you used to work at Page Six?" I agreed that I had, and you sat down next to me.

I was impressed that you were smoking a Marlboro Red and drinking what looked like a whiskey on the rocks. You told me that you had just filmed an episode of Weeds for Showtime, and asked what I was up to. I said I was working at Maxim, which was true at the time. Or maybe I said that I owned Maxim. Or owned all magazines. Let's just say I was trying to impress you.

I don't recall much about the rest of our conversation, other than you were very sweet, were wearing a lot of black eyeliner, and that your hair kind of smelled like clouds. But I do remember that once we were done with our surreal little chat, you said, "Well, I just wanted to say that you look really good tonight." And then you got up, walked across the room and sat with the friends you came with.

I wondered if I had just been totally goofed on. Because by that point in the night I was most likely a wobbly, red-eyed beast who was only capable of engaging women by doing that magic trick that I do with the handkerchief and the collapsible wand. You know the one.

But in retrospect I think that you were probably just in a really good mood. Had you not been Mary-Kate Olsen, I would probably tried to get your number, or at least asked if you wanted to take a ride in my van. But instead, I just smiled and accepted the compliment. Always wanted to say thanks for that. But I've never been able to, because that was the last time I saw you!

So I thought I'd finally have a chance to tell you in person last night when I saw you at Bergdorf-Goodman, where you and your twin sister Ashley were doing a relentlessly-hyped bartending appearance for Fashion's Night Out.

I knew it was a big deal because my cab driver actually asked if I was going to "the thing were the Olsen twins were bartending." We pulled up to a mob of several hundred eager young women clogging the front entrance. I talked my way into a side door and began to look for you in the oppressively-lit department store that reeked of decades of perfume-squirts and shoppers' flop sweat.

I navigated past the throngs of girls roaming the racks to get on the escalator to the 7th Floor, where you were allegedly pouring drinks. Even the escalator was jammed with squealing humanity, and I started getting claustrophobic and sweating a little myself. Honestly, I hadn't seen that much hubbub since the last time I attended a Jonas Brothers lunch box signing!

But once I got to the 7th floor, you were already gone. Mind you, this was only 7:30, and the event started at 7. When I said, out loud, to no one in particular, "Where are the Olsens?" a sad-eyed teenage girl told me that you had left the building. This was particularly devastating because at this point I really needed a drink.

So I pushed through another mob that was surrounding stylist Rachel Zoe as she was shot by about 20 photographers, towards the nearest fire exit. When I finally made it outside, a black Escalade slowed to a stop in front of the crowd spilling outside Bergdorf's. I thought maybe it was you, but it turned out to be designer Zac Posen, who popped out of the sun roof and waved at everyone.

I went to a few other insanely crowded boutiques before I headed back downtown: The Versace store, where the MisShapes deejayed and Taylor Momsen darted past me wearing a garter belt and a white dress shirt; the Calvin Klein store, where the disturbingly pretty male model Jamie Burke played a set with his band; and Barney's, where so many strangers rubbed up against me that I felt like I owed them money afterwards.

But you weren't at any of those places, so I hopped a cab back downtown and met some friends at the Jane Hotel, which is kind of like the Beatrice was, except not quite as much fun.

Your pal,

Chris

P.S.

Call Me!
Mary-Kate Olsen serves the drinks, for a change.
Sarah Jessica Parker can barely stand the funky music from Oscar de la Renta, Barbara Walters, and Bette Midler. Neither can we.
Fashion Victim.
Grace Coddington is the only Vogue staffer allowed to laugh.
This leatherman is the ghost of the the Meatpacking District past.
Someone tries to mess with The Tinz' perfection.
Radical knitting group tries to take over Barney's handbag department in hopes of reinvigorating interest in wool handbags.
Gossip Girl-on-girl action.
Food! You don't serve food at a fashion party!
Booze. Now that's more like it.
Blake, what if we told you there will be blow at the afterparty.
That's more like it.
Running out of live celebrities, Bloomingdale's hired wax Leonardo DiCaprio to make an appearance.
Fashion's Night Out works! This woman came out to shop for the first time since 1977!
Charlize Theron is beautiful. That is all.
The only way to shut Isaac Mizrahi up is to ask him to sing.
Don't knock these boots.
"Uh, who are we waiting for?"
Give Georgio Armani five.
Rhianna got the dates confused with July 23, which is Fashion's Day Out At The Beach.
Anna Wintour has decided to start talking shit about Sienna Miller to her face.
Jill Zarin inspects her human avatar.
The rare site of Lindsay Lohan shopping.
Last night Jonathan Adler and Simon Doonan made that rhino while playing Ghost.
André Leon Talley shows off his latest Snuggie.
Victoria Beckham thought she was showing up for a literacy benefit.
Michael Kors tries to slap Debra Messing when she points out the step and repeat matches his skin tone exactly.

[A beleaguered waiter passes around the world's least-likely-to-be-eaten hors d'oeuvres on top of a copy of Vogue (Anna let them put food on Vogue?!) at the afterparty for the screening. Image via Getty]

• The Yankees' Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez hate each other, and now their mutual dislike is apparently spreading to their starlet girlfriends, Kate Hudson and Minka Kelly, who are reportedly not exactly that into each other either. [Page Six]
  
  
• Seth MacFarland has outed Stewie on Family Guy as being a big, fat gay! He says that he and his writing staff had a script ready to go in which they outed him but then canned it in the end. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Larry King's wife Shawn has pulled out of a Michael Jackson tribute concert being put together by Larry King's wife Shawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Matt Damon got fat in preparation for his latest movie role. He says he gorged on McDonald's and Doritos and dark beer, but now the movie's done and he's already lost all the weight. Asshole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Awww...Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen went on a double date the other night y'all! They went to Strip House (Steaks?!) and ended the night "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian has gotten herself knocked up. No word yet on who the father is, but the hot rumor is that it's some ex-boyfriend of hers named Scott. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller has already taken the Slinky Wizard back home to meet her family, so you know that things must be pretty damn serious. She threw a pool party for her family and friends, where James Blunt tried to pick up on her, but like a true knight, Slinky Wizard swooped in and swept her away from him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liam Neeson attended a film premiere for the first time since the death of his wife, Natasha Richardson, who was usually on his arm for such events. Reports say that he seemed understandably solemn and distracted. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jaime Pressly was photographed popping a squat on an LA street outside of a club, but she says it was all a big joke and that the liquid coming out from under her dress came from a bottle of water she poured out. [Sun]
  
  
• Diane Kruger says that she did everything but sleep with Quentin Tarantino in order to land a role in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]

Fashion Week Daily got their hands on some or part of the guestlist for the premiere and published some of the names of the invitees. They include: Grace Coddington, Andre Leon Talley, Sienna Miller, Oscar de la Renta, Sean Combs, Tory Burch, Frederic Fekkai, Carolina and Reinaldo Herrera, Tommy Hilfiger, Melania and Donald Trump, Alexa Chung, Marc Jacobs, Donna Karan, Zac Posen and, of course, Si Newhouse.

The film, which is said to be highlighted by the behind the scenes head-butting between Wintour and Vogue creative director Grace Coddington, is set to be released for viewing by the commoners on August 28th.

• Doug Reinhardt rented an island or something in order to win back America's tainted love, Paris Hilton. Paris, of course, loves being treated like a princess and is gushing all over the place about it. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller may have finally found someone to love her and he's known as the "Slinky Wizard." This mystery man is a DJ (Of course he is!) named DJ George Barker, who supposedly specializes in trance music. And hey — he's single! [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt was so busy signing a new contract with the Weinstein's at the Inglorious Bastards premiere that poor Angelina had to spend her time talking to Eli Roth. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson is still trying to organize some sort of tribute to Michael Jackson with the help of Larry King's wife Shawn, of all people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are jaunting around in Barcelona with their hands all over each other in public, even putting their hands on each other's asses at one point! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Blanket Jackson's surrogate mother has been revealed to be a Mexican nurse named Helena. Supposedly Jackson liked her because she was attractive and Latina. Who knew Michael liked Latin ladies?! [Mirror]
  
  
• Our old pal James Frey has written some sort of novel about a man some believe to be the messiah. [Page Six]
  
  
• Russell Brand says that he's looking for a woman who has a "high pain threshold." [Mirror]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake has purchased a 13,500 square foot home in Greenwich, CT. It was originally listed at $23.9-million but closed for $18.7-million. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that Paula Abdul could end up at ABC in some capacity, including as a guest star on Ugly Betty. [TMZ]

When R.J. Cutler's documentary (out August 28!) about the making of Vogue screened at Sundance, the gossips picked up on Miller being called "toothy, and we finally have the moment between photog Mario Testino and design director Charles Churchward (who left the magazine last summer) discussing her dental work and how much work her neck is going to need to be presentable. You heard about it, but seeing it is even worse.

If you think that is bad, just wait to see the face that she elicits from the usually stoic Anna Wintour when she first sees Miller in the dress that she is meant to wear on the cover. It is somewhere between disgusted surprise and unamused scorn.

Is Miller the only celeb who would agree to be on the cover of the issue knowing they'd have to deal with the accompanying potentially unflattering documentary footage? Maybe Anna's face says, "Jesus, this is what I'm forced to put on the cover of my magazine?!" And if so, what a way to repay her.

Just like she can't help getting on Anna's bad side, Sienna can't really be blamed for the cinematic abortion that is G.I. Joe (actually, she's one of the best parts about it), but its release seems like the perfect time to go after her. Dragging out the dead horse about the famous-for-being-famous for a few more pounds, Amy Argetsinger uses Miller as the lynchpin for her lynching of the "famesque."

Right about now you're thinking, "Who's Sienna Miller again? Remind me why I'm supposed to know her?"

It's okay! There's absolutely no reason you should know who she is—not even if you're a religious follower of the celebrity press that tracks her so closely. She's an actress, but odds are you've never seen a single one of her movies or TV shows. Miller is a pioneer in a new kind of fame that is changing our celebrity culture, a fame that is increasingly disconnected from the star's success in the field for which he or she is ostensibly famous.

That is a new kind of fame? As Argetsinger points out, people have been obsessed with people for no particular reason since Zsa Zsa Gabor, but still Argetsinger needles Miller through her entire article.

Sure, Miller may be most famous for baring her tits and sleeping with married men, but it's gotta suck when you become the celeb punching bag du jour.

• Kelly Bensimon got dissed by Gerard Butler after the two exchanged phone numbers in June "after a night of heavy flirting." He apparently never called her and avoided her when he ran into her again recently. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Adam Lambert's fans have taken idolatry to a new level at some of his live shows by tossing sex toys on stage while he was performing. [EOnline]
  
  
• Surprise, surprise — Joan Rivers isn't a fan of Jon Gosselin, whom she says should have worn a condom more often. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ashley Olsen says that she's surprised that she didn't "end up like Britney Spears." Oh, but there's still time darling, there's still plenty of time. Don't stop dreaming! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Dustin Lance Black is suing the website that posted x-rated photos of him recently, asking for $3-million in damages. [Page Six]
  
  
• Griffin O'Neal says that his father Ryan O'Neal supplied him with cocaine when he was only 11 years old. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's what James Caan says about women in a recent interview: "They're fucking nuts." Remember, this is James Caan saying this ladies, umkay?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Elle Macpherson's shitty acting skills are the primary reason Mischa Barton still has a job after being institutionalized with a breakdown last month. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• So you know how some of Madonna's early 90s faxed love letters to a bouncer were recently made public? Well, it appears as though she may have plagiarized from poet Anne Sexton in one of them. [Page Six]
  
  
• A singer named Jill Sobule says that Katy Perry is a "fucking thieving little slut" because she feels that Perry ripped "I Kissed a Girl" from her. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller says that she understands why people might hate her after she started dating a married father of four. [Daily Mail]

• Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow were on Howard Stern's show and they took the opportunity to give Katherine Heigl a good trashing. You may recall that Heigl had some critical things to say about Knocked Up after the film made her a star, saying that it "paints women as shrews." Speaking about Heigl's new film, The Ugly Truth, Rogen said, "That [movie] looks like it really puts women on a pedestal in a beautiful way," while Apatow added, "I hear there's a scene where she's wearing underwear with a vibrator in it, so I'd have to see if that was uplifting for women." Everybody hates Katherine Heigl. [Us Weekly]
  
  
• Crazy old Joe Jackson has confirmed that the Norwegian man rumored to be Michael Jackson's biological son, Omer Bhatti, is indeed Michael Jackson's biological son. [Daily News]
  
  
• K-Fed is still packing on the pounds. Like, dude is large. And Britney, that trollop, is mocking him behind his back, going around calling him "K-Fatter-line" to all her friends. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson employs the most expensive grooming handlers in the world and she will probably send Viacom into bankruptcy with her new VH1 reality show's outrageous hair and makeup budget. [Page Six]
  
  
• A new book on Robert Redford claims that he basically wanted to kill Scarlet Johansson when he directed her in The Horse Whisperer in the late 90s. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Poor Sienna Miller. Her newest shag-buddy, Balthazar Getty, has run back into the arms of his wife, while she's drowning her sorrows at The Box on the Lower East Side. For shame. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• The mother of Jude Law's latest child has been revealed to me Samantha Burke, an aspiring model and actress. [Mirror]
  
  
• Here is George Clooney's new "lapdance model" lady-friend dressed as a nun with her boob hanging out. [Sun]
  
  
• You have to admit, for a woman of any age, much less a woman of 40, Jennifer Aniston looks pretty damn good. Why can't poor Jenn find love?! [Daily Mail]

• Orlando Bloom, who isn't exactly Hollywood's most in-demand actor at the moment, has turned down the opportunity to reprise his role as Will Turner because he's head-over-heels in love with his girlfriend, Miranda Kerr. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says that playing a classmate-eating high school zombie in Diablo Cody's new flick, Jennifer's Body, was damn sexy. Megan Fox just thinks everything she does is sexy, and sadly, she's probably right. [Sun]
  
  
• Tara Reid has overcome numerous botched plastic surgeries to emerge as some sort of deformed stick figure. But hey, at least she's still getting noticed by the tabloids! [Sun]
  
  
• Susie Essman, when she's not hilariously cursing people out like she does Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm, dates losers. At least she used to, according to her new book. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin is a big spender. He paid $950 for a pair of wingtips in the Hamptons over the weekend, shoes he probably wore to kick some skank to the curb, because that's what Jon Gosselin does. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is claiming that Michael Jackson named his daughter Paris after her, hoping that she'd be the same type of little snow angel that Paris is whenever she grows up. [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere was lauded by PETA recently for throwing a fit on a film set when a leaf-blower was used to clear a flock of birds from a tree. [Page Six]
  
  
• Blake Fielder-Civil, Amy Winehouse's ex-husband, says that she almost died in his arms after going on a three day binge on heroine and crack. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's a new and innovative way to pick up girls in clubs compliments of Adrian Grenier—line up a bunch of tequila shots on the bar and pass them out to willing females. Amazing. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sienna Miller is not happy with the look of a doll made in her likeness in conjunction with the new G.I. Joe movie. She says that the doll squints too much. [Mirror]

• The Mirror is claiming that Michael Jackson had a fourth child—a 25 year-old Norwegian named Omer Bhatti. Bhatti bears a striking resemblance to Jackson and was seated on the front row with Jackson's family at his funeral in LA a couple of weeks ago. [Mirror]
  
  
• In the Bruno movie Brittny Gastineau says some really mean things about Jamie Lynn Spears. Now she's saying it was all a big joke. Haha! [Page Six]
  
  
• Marc Anthony became a partial owner of the Miami Dolphins yesterday. JLo will hit the training room to teach some of the players the secrets to ridiculous glute development. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ruth Madoff wore ripped jeans and a baseball cap on a flight to North Carolina to visit her beloved swindler husband Bernie. [Page Six]
  
  
• Billy Joel has apparently found himself a rebound bang—former Young and the Restless actress Alex Donnelley. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears' LSU football-loving father Jamie thinks that Britney is all healed in her mind and ready to be left alone to handle her affairs on her own, something he's been doing since she lost her mind her a while back. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kiefer Sutherland and his girlfriend are just making out all over town, running their hands all over each others' naughty bits and just about having sex in front of mothers with their children. Gross. [Page Six]
  
  
• If you happen to interview Sienna Miller, be sure to avoid asking her any questions about her affair with Balthazar Getty, lest you be called a douchebag. [Sun]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's recent breakdown may cost her a role on a fall television show about supermodels she was scheduled to star in. [Sun]

• Cameron Diaz is apparently boning Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law at the same time. She's been spotted out and about in London on "secret dates" with both of them, so yeah, she's taking both of them on the regular, no doubt. [Sun]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson drowned her sorrows after being dumped by Tony Romo by hitting the town with her girlfriends and sucking off a frat boy in the backseat of a Geo Prism. Actually, we're kidding about the last part. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson got into a huge fight after Sam went out all night with Drea De Matteo and Lindsay went beserk with jealousy. Sam would up tossing all of Lilo's clothes out onto the street. Just another Saturday night for these kids really. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham has hired a personal spray-on tanner person to keep her looking perfectly bronzed at all times. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy are engaged! Supposedly he called her up on stage during his stand-up act and dropped to one knee while she was on the stage. [Page Six]
  
  
• Burn Notice star Jeffrey Donovan was arrested and charged with DUI in Miami after having three drinks while looped up on Benadryl. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lady Gaga showed up on the set of a German TV show for an interview and was wearing a coat made out of miniature Kermit the Frogs. It's quite a sight to behold. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Sienna Miller is not the world's best driver by any means, even for an actress. [Mirror]
  
  
• It now appears as though there will be no murder charges filed against Dr. Conrad Murray in the investigation of Michael Jackson's death. [Sun]