• This has sexy potential. Robert Pattinson describes the glorious moment he first came face-to-face with the man of his dreams, Zac Efron: "He was a really cool guy. That was one of the first times I'd ever been star-struck, but just because his face is so specific, it's kind of surreal." Since I was only able to locate one picture of them together in the history of wire images [fig.1, below], I'm pretty sure they didn't actually bang, but, sigh, let's pretend. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Former The City star Erin Lucas has a lesbian kiss with Israeli model Adi Neumann in some movie they're in together. [fig.2] "I popped my cherry on camera. How appropriate," said the gay-for-screen-time Lucas. [P6]
• 
  
• Mike Tyson was detained at LAX last night for assaulting a paparazzo. Tyson punched the guy in the face so hard the photog had to be hospitalized. Both parties claimed it was the other one's fault, so the LAPD arrested both. No word the status of either of their ears. [LAT]
• 
  
• Carrie Prejean's ex-boyfriend—the one she sent that masturbatory video to—told TMZ that the former Miss California asked him to lie about the video and say she was an underage seventeen-year-old in it, when actually, she was twenty. And, hey, did he mention he has some other pictures of Carrie that he would like to sell to you, now? Because he does. In one of them, she's kind of showing her butt. [TMZ]
• 
  
• "I feel like I'm in a dream," said awestruck country music nymph Taylor Swift after she became the Country Music Association's youngest-ever Entertainer of the Year. Taylor won all four categories she was nominated in. And her new boyfriend's really cute. Some girls get all the breaks. [LAT]
• 
  
• Lil' Kim skipped a court date and blamed it on a nosebleed. I can't decide if this story is about lying or about cocaine. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Simon Cowell is the highest-earning man on American television, taking home a cool $75 million last year. In second place was Donald Trump ($50 million), who must feel like such a chump sandwiched between Cowell and Ryan Seacrest ($38 million) in the earnings list. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

• Angelina Jolie is the focus of two books and is supporting another. Reputed biographers Andrew Morton and Ian Halperin want to experience the thrill of writing about a subject who's already said everything you ever wanted to know about her and more. In fact, the ever growing Cult of Brange means you can't even make up anything interesting about her. Meanwhile Nick Kristoff, whose book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide Jolie would like you to read, got a taste of tabloid love in their company and was stunned. [Lainey Gossip]
• Joe Jackson observes Michael is worth more dead than alive, is gross. [Celebitchy]
• Madonna is the new God of Malawi. Madonna calls for lightning to strike Britain. [Us Weekly]
• Bai Ling decided it was a good idea to sleep naked next to a cheetah. Cheetah thought this was some kind of poor man's feast provided by the human race and didn't want to offend local custom so he tried to take a delicate nibble of Bai Ling's nibbly bits. Bai Ling is A) Freaked out. B) Safe. C) A Moron. [Dlisted]
• Simon Cowell must have a curse placed on him to be followed by hair-obsessed young men everywhere he goes. [Mirror]
• Brooke Shields went to a store and an employee asked her if she wanted any help. So she punched him in the eye, kicked him in the balls, tore his head off and jumped up and down on his dead body to see blood spurt out of his corpse. Okay, no she didn't but imagine if she had. [Fox 411]
• Sophie Monk as an undressed ladybug on the sidewalk for no reason. Site NSFW. [Hollywood Tuna]
• Tinsley Mortimer's new reality show is a little low on the "reality". *faint* [Page Six]
• Mel Gibson thinks the Scots are a bunch of quarrelsome drunks in skirts. Scotland is deserted today as all Scots died laughing. [Daily Fail]
• David Beckham stares at cheerleaders, is shocked women have curves. [Sun]
• Mandatory Gosselip Update: This shit will never end. [Fox 411]
• Blind Item: C list cable reality star holds forth on tattoos, taboos and Jews. Sinks like a stone. You should know the answer! [CDAN]

• Tila Tequila's life's been a bit hectic as of late, but we had no idea how hard she was taking it all: she's been tweeting about taking her own life because "God spoke to me and told me I am needed up there." Oh boy... Tequila also wrote that a friend stopped her from doing the deed, but she plans on doing it in two weeks. Someone help this woman. [Ace]
  
  
• A man in a thong manhandled Kate Moss at Simon Cowell's birthday and all she got for the trouble was an angry boyfriend. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tyler Perry admitted on his website that he was sexually abused as a child. No punchline there. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katie "Jordan" Price's sexy fighter boyfriend Alex Reid enjoys dressing up in women's clothing. Yes, seriously. [Mirror]
  
  
• After 22-years of strutting her stuff, Claudia Schiffer says she'll retire from the catwalk. But don't worry, she insists she'll still model for print ads, the poor dear. [The Sun]
  
  
• Guns N' Roses are being sued by some musicians who claim the band stole tracks for Chinese Democracy. If Axl and company really did steal the tracks, that's sad: it took the band about a million years to make. [NYDN]
  
  
• Police found what they're calling a suicide note penned by Ryan Jenkins, the reality star who killed himself after being accused of killing his wife, Jasmine Fiore. The note makes not mention of Fiore. [People]
  
  
• Brian Littrell, who's in a bygone band called the Backstreet Boys, has swine flu. [Us]
  
  
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes temporarily moved to Boston and no one cares. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Nicole Richie was hospitalized after a minor car accident. She'll be fine. [People]
  
  
• The security surrounding Michael Jackson's tomb has been "scaled back." Grave robbers, start your pillaging! [TMZ]
  
  
• President Obama never picks Democratic Sen. Bob Casey for his basketball team. See? He doesn't play partisan games. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mad Men actor Bryan Batt's marrying his boyfriend. How fabulous! [Perez]
  
  
• Lars von Trier's new movie, Antichrist, will give you a seizure and send you straight to hell. [Page Six]

• A tired-looking Sarah Jessica Parker took her three children for a walk and, again, looked tired. So everyone says she has one foot in the grave and it's all Sex and the City's fault because SJP has to work so hard! Pitchforks, please. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Can you believe that someone as famous as Britney Spears has been checking into hotels under assumed names? Once those pitchforks are done with SJP-murdering Sex and the City, turn them on Spears. She's evil. [Page Six]
  
  
• Everyone and their mother's leaving at intermission for the latest incarnation of Othello, which stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Blasphemy! [Page Six
  
  
• Oliver Hudson, Goldie Hawn's less famous child, will soon have a second baby with wife Erinn Bartlett. Mazel! [NYDN]
  
  
• Suri Cruise's wardrobe is worth more than your impoverished life! (PS: Can you believe we live in a society where children are both richer and more fascinating that actual adults? Now, turn those pitchforks on yourselves. And us.) [San Francisco Chronicle]
  
  
• Lily Allen went out, got drunk and her sad, pathetic boyfriend had to watch. [3am]
  
  
• Famous actor Dennis Hopper has been released from the hospital, so halt your prayers. [CBS]
  
  
• The ever-wonderful Liza Minnelli will cover Beyonce's "Single Ladies," because she knows something about such matters. Well, kind of... [MSNBC]
  
  
• Katy Perry, a singer who will no doubt be remembered as a one-hit wonder, has been "snogging" Russell Brand, a comedian of some sort. She also sent him pictures of her boobies. [The Sun]
  
  
• Why are people surprised that a man as rich and connected as Simon Cowell would spend massive amounts of money on his birthday? More importantly, why were we not invited? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's been acting like more of an ass than usual since splitting with his equally horrid wife. Now TLC has suspended the reality show he left because of his "erratic behavior." Huh? [NYDN]
  
  
• A comedian named Billy Eichner recently recounted a sex session with former NYT food critic Frank Bruni, who, said Eichner at the time, has an "oral fixation." What does that even mean? He likes food? Oh... Well, who doesn't? [Page Six]
  
  
• Quentin says there will be a Kill Bill 3. Hoorah! [Page Six]

In national politics, fundamental procedural changes come but once every hundred years or so — the electoral college will likely outlive us all. Whereas with Idol, those citizens who deeply care about the future of their society, the honest, hard working Americans who stay up late speed dialing votes, who devote their families savings to make signs and printing t-shirts for their favorite contestants — all because they dare to dream of passing on a better world to their children— those people now find their America turned on its head, as they see their judiciary shaken up once again with the news that there will now be four judges on American Idol, and one of them will be a comedian.

While it will be for history to decide what the long term effects on our society were, some first thoughts about what this means for the most important show in the history of the world, and why it happened:

• Mixing It Up: At the beginning of last season, Fox's Reality Chief Mike Darnell told me that the challenge of the show from here on in would be constantly finding ways to keep it fresh and surprising in its eighth and ninth seasons, at the point where most TV shows are adopting orphans and relocating the series to Miami in desperate attempts to regain some interest. But that is what shows typically do when they are in free fall towards the bottom. Idol, despite being off its heights, still remains the #1 show in television by a mile and in that position, very few shows are willing to take chances with the basic formula. Say what you will about Fox and Idol, they are not afraid to take risks.

• Judges Rule: In exile from Idol, former showrunner and So You Thing You Can Dance boss Nigel Lythgoe has been offering the opinion that the judges' soap opera has gotten so carried away it is eclipsing the contestants. Last season, many Idol watchers were dismayed by how much the hi-jinx at the judges table sapped gobs of attention from the performers. And off-stage, every week the headlines were dominated by another judges story. It is Lythgoe's view that the show lives or dies on the strength of its contestants, not by the soap opera on the floor — which with four judges had become a monster. When Paula departed it was the hope of many that this would be used as an opportunity to deflate the panel back to its original size. It was not to be.

• Tivo Alert: Last season, the pile-up at the judges table caused the show to run over almost every week. Most egregiously, Adam Lambert's finest performance of the season, Mad World, was not seen by Tivo viewers. Despite howls of complaints it seemed impossible to rein in the judges. The addition of another judge who is already a star, with a very healthy ego of her own who will no doubt want to make sure her points get heard, will not help this cause.

• Nice Lives: Comedian though she is, Ellen has been the BFF to many an Idol contestant, having them all on her show and supporting each and every one. Likely, she has been thought of as one who will bring this caring concern to the cold-hearted panel.

• Quip-o-Rama: It has been said that this will bring a different element to the Idol judiciary, namely comedy. But in fact, that has more or less been Simon Cowell's function, providing just the right metaphorical one-liner to explain why a performance sucked. It's not like he provides serious musical instruction. Will the judging now become the equivalent of a Friar's Club roast?

Certainly, Ellen DeGeneres has been around the block in entertainment. But this is no little ABC sitcom, this is no Oscar telecast with Bruce Villanch there to back you up; this is American Idol and Ellen has just graduated from AAA baseball to the Indy 500. How she fares will depend very much though, not just on talent, but how seriously she takes the sacred responsibility that has been thrust upon her. History waits to judge.

DeGeneres, who has to be the hardest working woman in show business, is absolutely ecstatic over the news.

I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote.

We too are thrilled thrilled, because it's just plain wonderful DeGeneres got this gig. First, she fulfills something we feared would be lost in Abdul's absence: genuine niceness. Sure, that Kara DioGuardi chick likes to pretend she's nice, but her condescending tone reveals her true colors. Abdul, though a bit off-kilter, brought some tenderness to an otherwise cut throat competition. As cynical and hard-hearted as we can be, it's nice to get a little unadulterated excitement every once in a while.

Another reason DeGeneres gives us a thrill: she's a lesbian. Shocking, yes, but it's true. After homosexual Adam Lambert made it so far last season, Idol producers are now publicly acknowledging — or, at least, accepting — the show's innate gayness. (Although, lesbians are far less controversial than those sissy boys, but still.) This isn't only a step for out celebrities, but for the show itself.

Third, DeGeneres is funny, and not sad, pathetic funny like the oft-ridiculed Adbul. She's a comedienne and can actually make us laugh, something that doesn't intentionally happen that often when Simon, Randy or that other girl judge contestants. So, that's good.

Finally, we feared that Idol producers would try to reinvigorate a long-lost pop star's celebrity status, as they did with Abdul herself. Or, just as worrisome, they could have tried to bring on a sensational, but ultimately pathetic, celebrity, like audition judge Posh Spice. Such a move would have looked either like a blatant, desperate ratings ploy or simply an attempt to make lighting strike twice. DeGeneres is well-respected, highly popular and, most importantly, still famous, all of which are good. Also, she doesn't need the money, which, we're sure, made contact negotiations a breeze.

• Robert Pattinson's life must suck. Seriously. Don't his "fans" get it? He's not going to sleep with them, he has nothing interesting to say to them, and he probably doesn't even understand the appeal of Twilight over Harry Potter, especially since there was subtext that Cedric Diggory was digging out at Hogwarts in Goblet of Fire...said someone to me who read the book. Anyway! Men are beginning to approach him and it's very evident that he's straight and doesn't care to be an object of affection to two sexes of manic psychopaths. Stephanie Meyer, you're to blame for Pattinson's life of being forsaken. You're like Camus, in control of real people. Subtext: you need to kill Edward Cullen so Pattinson can live in peace. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling: when you bringing Potter out of retirement? [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Lady Gaga BlaBla Alert: She has a vibrator and she Must. Alert. The Presses. One line about this constitutes an item in a British gossip tabloid. Truly: they suck. Also, more about the Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy, which is basically the Birther movement of Pop Culture, but far more enjoyable. She's now saying that her vagina is offended that people would think there's a penis there. Of course her vagina would be offended, says someone. It's feigning indignation to cover for the truth. [The Sun and Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she has mild bouts of Schizophrenia. I'm sure. 'Cause that ass is cray-zy, girl! [US]
  
  
• The Jonas Bro-ness bought a house in Texas for $2.8M. It's going to be, what, their gangster ass chastity pad? No. But:Balling, indeed. [US]
  
  
• On Set Romance! Shia LaBouf is dating his Wall Street 2 co-star, Cary Mulligan. I would make a joke about this, because Shia LaBouf has admitted to having a small penis and she's British and well, you know, but I'm 24 and I'm not in Wall Street 2 and in addition to earning not that much money, well, you know. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, Paula Abdul wants to "destroy" American Idol? Well, sure, honey, we'd all like to see it somewhere other than prime time, but that doesn't mean people need to die. Okay, maybe Danny Gokey, just because of his last name. Meanwhile, a terse Simon Cowell supposedly misses her. [Showbiz Spy and Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• George Hamilton had sex with his stepmom, once. When? Well he's had that smug "I've been laid" look on his face since he was twelve, apparently. Does this surprise you? [NYDN]
  
  
• The New York Daily News busts out their top economists to determine that Jon Gosselin's irresponsible spending could leave him destitute one day! Well, yes, but then again, you can only purchase so many Ed Hardy shirts and host so many Vegas pool parties before the universe decides to forsake typical procedure and suck you through a black hole of existence from being a complete assface and maybe you'll come out on the other side wanting to consider a way to live a life your children will not completely hate you for once they get to high school, and especially, college? Whichever one goes to a liberal arts college might come home one day and stab him in a non-mortal wounding way. [NYDN]
  
  
• British people are kooky. They're still indulging their Orwellian fetishes with Big Brother, the shitshow that puts a bunch of crazies in a house and makes them oust one another until someone's left and the producers can then give them money to fuck up their life and perpetrate the show's brand. And now, another one. Apparently, the "winner" of Big Brother 10, Sophie, is going to take the scratch and use it on a "massive boob job." Massive? "Go bigger? Why not, just for a change, go massive." Well, there you have it: massive. Also, she wants a "designer vagina." In other news, I can feel my spinal fluid. [Mirror]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian, famous for being the sister of Kim, who's famous for having a large ass, is now dating the L.A. Lakers' Lamar Odom. Odom won an NBA championship last season, if you'll remember. This season, he'll win brain damage through his cock. [E!]
  
  
• Selena Gomez is a UNICEF ambassador. Because when I'm in need of UNICEF, the most comforting sight I could see: Selena Gomez! Yes! Like water in the desert, except, well, no. This is stupid. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin fired 40 staffers in three months! Imagine how many quit. It wasn't her, that was the hair talking. [US]

Obviously, you're about to embark into some mildly NSFW territory, though there's no actual "action" in these teaser clips, and the most vulgar thing about these are the language in them. The TMSleaze (website NSFW) tributes are, quite frankly, very well played, maybe with the exception of Tono Romo's jersey reading HOMO, but hey, that's porn for you. Maybe TMSleaze isn't Pulitzer-worthy, but this could at least be considered for a Peabody, or something. It's one of the more intelligent, current satires out there, and yes, it's a porn and mostly alludes to sex. But we should all feel upstaged: they took their position as a specific commodity on a moral battleground, and leveraged it into post-modernism. The porn industry calling TMZ sleazy is, whatever you think of the porn industry, an interesting statement. I await their parody of Gawker Media with baited breath. Do enjoy, and thank you Gawker Video Deity Richard Blakeley for the tip.

Meet Messica Simpleton and Boney Homo. I think the TMSleaze reporters call them the Texas Poboys. There's also an allusion to Terrell Owens, who's not given a name. There's also fried chicken involved.

In our second video, there's Lamey Swinehouse. She's drunk and bouncing a ball on the floor and screaming about fish and chips. The paparazzi decide to leave her to her own device, deciding that "this is just sad."

In clip three, you'll meet Spender and Hiney, from "that show...that bullshit show," and as everyone knows "they've got a sex tape, or they're going to put out a sex tape," or something. Photogs ask Spender and Hiney if they can take shots of them, and Spender asks them if they're going to "be on the cover" (get it, they're not in print?). The photog says "sure," and they allow the TMSleaze paps to snap away. After letting them know that two other "characters" have made a sex tape - LC and Bony - Spender and Hiney decide that they need to make a sex tape, too, there and on the spot. Note TMSleaze's accurate depiction of Spencer Pratt's creepy flesh-colored beard.

"Somewhere in America," shouts Ron Jeremy, "there's a really exciting story. But I doubt if anyone in this room's gonna find it!" This Joseph Campbell-esque insight leads to Slimin' - whose bad faux-British accent is reminiscent of Simon Cowell's - and a studio executive arguing. "Shut up you prattling little ninny, or I will retain your ass as a black man and and shine my Tony Lamas in your rectum." Cut to some woman writhing about a couch, licking Slimin's jeans. This is, presumably, Paula Abdul. Her handler walks in the room, and begins arguing about their differences in pay. Honestly, who is writing these? Maybe we do need to ring up Sig Gissler right fucking now.

Finally, meet Feminem and Linda Blowhand, who is with child. She's under the assumption that Feminem is the father of her child. Feminem is rapping in the studio, and uses the word "illin" in one of his raps. He's with an African American co-worker - possibly his producer, possibly someone resembling Dr. Dre - who lets Feminem know that "illin" is outdated nomenclature. "You keep spittin' that weak, people gonna know you whitebred," he warns him. He gets assaulted by Linda Blowhand, who asks him why he hasn't called. "Are you high? Are you tweakin' right now?" Feminem asks her. "What do you think I am? You think I'm your little diamond oven whore?" she screams back. She then reminds him that the "lady" - presumably a reference to Samantha Ronson - "isn't cuttin' it in the orgasm department." Feminem then inquires if it'd be okay for him to "come in you since you're already pregnant," which upsets her. "Hell no, I don't want fuckin' twins!" she assaults him.

Why did Paula do it? After I reported three weeks ago that Idol's "nice judge" Paula Abdul was considering walking away from the television behemouth, her manager's statements were widely considered to be a negotiating ploy. [Ed. note: To totally brag, Richard was the only reporter who actually spoke to Abdul's manager during her contract negotiations.] However, after doing several Abdul contract pieces this year I saw that beneath the bluster, she was in fact, emotionally getting ready to make the change. Why would you walk away from the biggest show in TV history?

1. She wasn't joking about the money. Jaws dropped when I reported a few months back that while mean judge Cowell was making upwards of $40 million, Abdul was making downwards of 2 million. And she had had enough of this. It's been reported since that she asked for $20 million in a new contract and Idol was willing to bump her up into the range of $4 million. From my chats with her and her manager, she was very serious about not coming back unless the increase was something major.

2. She can get more elsewhere. People say, "But Paula is nothing without Idol!" The proper phrasing might be, she would've been nothing without Idol. But now she is an on-screen character of the biggest show in the world and she's a free agent. There are a lot of networks out there (four to be precise) who would try anything — anything — to take even a small bite out of the Idol juggernaut, and they'd be willing to pay a lot more than $4 million to do it. Why not an Idol competitor starring Paula on another net?

3. Living in the Cowell shadow is only fun for so long. And that amount of time is something less than 8 years. Having to make a fraction of his money, have a fraction of the respect and clout he gets around the set and around the world, eventually the "I'm just lucky to be here" feeling wears off. And once it was announced a few week's back that Seacrest's contract too would soar into the stratosphere, all incentive to take table scraps and keep riding in the back seat evaporated.

4. She wants to be her own woman and mogul. Eight years of filling in the assigned ditsy-whipping girl slot on the panel on someone else's show, forget about whether the slot is deserved, can make you start dreaming about what kind of show you would really like to be doing. Believe it or not, Paula brims with ideas for her own shows — witness her cheerleading competition in the last year. And walking away with a bit of Idol luster, my guess is there'll be a lot of people ready to take some meetings.

5. It's not about the money but...the right amount of money could have solved all the above problems. My guess is somehow or other, Idol decided over the last month or so that this should go back to a three judge format — it was universally agreed the four judge panel had become a monster — and the third judge would be Kara whose contract they announced last week ahead of this. They also put out the eye-popping figures Seacrest would be pulling down on his new deal before going into Paula's negotiation. Considering Ryan still had a year left on his contract, there was no reason that had to happen, and if they were really going into a serious negotiation with Paula, having that out there didn't help.

The question now for Idol, without its token nice judge, is does the judiciary just become a vicious slapfest, with no respite for the poor struggling but stumbling singers? And will the audiences be turned off by the now unrestrained bloodlust? The only thing riding on that question is hundreds of millions of dollars.

He did say that she looked like actor Willam Defoe, but that's not exactly threatening her life. Cohen, referred to by fans as "glitter girl" for her makeup rather than her sparkling personality, auditioned most notably in January of 2008 when she delivered her famous rant. She returned the next year and acted nice and sweet, saying she had turned over a new leaf, until she was rejected and flipped off the judges once again. She will be missed for actually doing what we wish we could do every time we watch the show.

• Megan Fox has turned down a role as a Bond girl in the new Bond flick, presumably to play Lady Macbeth at the Old Vic or something. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's publicists have been trying hard to use her recent breakdown to land her on the cover of a few of the celebrity weeklies, but no one took the bite. Flack life is hard yo. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse is on trial in the UK for beating up a dancer at a charity ball who asked for an autograph. The prosecutor in the case says that it's likely that Amy was under the influence of something when the incident went down, shockingly. [Mirror]
  
  
• T.R. Knight says that he left Grey's Anatomy because Shonda Rhimes was cutting down his character's screen time. [EW]
  
  
• Gossip Girl co-stars/boners Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick may be on the outs with each other. They were supposed to co-host some event at the MGM Grand at Foxwoods and he totally didn't show up because he was pissed at her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha! After ESPN lashed out at the Post for printing stills of the Erin Andrews nude peephole video, Page Six is attacking ESPN by saying that it's the network's fault that the video was made public in the first place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Whitney Houston gave serious consideration to giving up music three years ago to move to an island and open a little fruit stand. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Lily Allen has traded in her old man art dealer ex-boyfriend for a young, struggling artist. She is reported to be "completely smitten." [Sun]
  
  
• Rihanna is in London recording an album and Jay-Z swooped in to take her out for dinner and champagne and we can't help but wonder if there isn't something going on between these two. [Mirror]
  
  
• Simon Cowell is having a 50th birthday party soon, an event that 17 of his ex-girlfriends are set to make an appearance at. We're not sure if we should admire or pity him. [Mirror]

Though we love Paula's slurry antics, the problem with her (and the judging panel as a whole) is that we know exactly what she's going to say before the contestant is even finished butchering their overexposed pop song of the week. Even though Simon Cowell has her back, we can understand why Fox wouldn't want to pay her millions to say "Don't listen to Simon, sweetie. You are a bright light shining from within a blue jay that sings like a butterfly. Now buy my jewelry."

Mary Murphy, on the other hand, is a kook with some cred. Not only did she have a legit dancing career, but her over enthusiasm is saved for the contestants that actually earn it. For those who do less than stellar, she gives them constructively critical remarks.

But when they do well, she is all screams, claps, and laughter while doling out rides on the "Hot Tamale Train." It's kind of like watching a hyena have an orgasm. But funnier. Not only do we love Mary, but we trust her. Paula more like your drunk aunt who you laugh at as she drools on herself in the corner.

We wouldn't change a thing about Paula, and we don't want her as snide as Simon, ridiculous as Randy, or cunty as Kara, but, for heaven's sake, lady, be as critical of the singers as you are in your drug prescriptions.

After perky Meredith Vieira struggles to give the debatable superstar a compliment, stumbling over words to question if she's had a "slight little makeover?", Suze, perhaps insulted, forces a smile.

"Just a slight one," she responds with usual British irony. Because, really, in comparison to the old maid who formerly only warbled to her kitty cats, you know the New Improved Miss Boyle's a-feeling like Heidi Klum these days. When asked if she's having a good time, Suze grimaces, and forces out "I'm having a wonderful time" and "I don't want it to end" as if ramming a nail in her hand.

We know all this is "new" to the humble country virgin, and she's supposedly "overwhelmed," but we can't help thinking that puppet master Simon Legree Cowell is there in the background whipping this poor lass out into the spotlight, else he must eat crow. Next up, a spread in Harper's Bazaar! The strong arm of the press machine keeps on churning...

Full interview airs on NBC July 22.

• Lindsay Lohan, America's favorite walking Petri dish of human social disease, has been celebrating her birthday for weeks now it seems, but this weekend is finally the official birthday party, and she's being paid $70,000 to host a party for herself at the MGM Grand in Vegas. [Page Six]
  
  
• Meghan McCain's sure to be shitty book isn't even out yet but she's already laying it down that she wants Hillary Duff to play her in the movie Hollywood makes out of the book because she's "really hot." Oh, and she wants Bradley Cooper to be in it to because he's "so hot." Meghan McCain is Paris Hilton. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Farrah Fawcett was laid to rest yesterday. Her former Charlie's Angels co-stars turned out and her son Redmond was released from jail for the funeral. [Sun]
  
  
• The photographer who took the photos of Michael Jackson on stage during his last rehearsal says that Michael felt reborn and energized to be on stage again and performed for an hour and a half without a glitch. [Mirror]
  
  
• Creepy old lizard Larry King refuses to fly on commercial planes. Instead he gets around by private jet, which is probably a good thing, because who'd want to sit next to Larry King on a cross-country flight? [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love's doctors have diagnosed her with having malnutrition and basically told her that she needs to get some meat and potatoes in her or she's going to die. [Mirror]
  
  
• Fox is really desperate to hold on to Simon Cowell for the next season of American Idol. So much so that they're offering him $144 million bucks, 4 times the $36 million he made last season, to stick around. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Former New York Times head honcho Howell Raines is spending his days fishing in the creek like an old country hick. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some British billionaire's wife had to be carried out of Guy Ritchie's pub after she partied the night away with young buck Justin Timberlake. Jessica Biel was not reported to be around. [Daily Mail]

Writing for the Daily Mail, Simon Cowell penned a pretty fascinating 2,000-plus word editorial on his feelings towards this entire season of Britain's Got Talent. The entire thing is, in all honesty, quite candid and amazing. Some could view this as a PR coup, but reading it, you can't resist the temptation to think that sometimes - no matter how well handled a public image is - sometimes, some people succumb to the urge to speak out publicly, and this was that moment for Cowell.

As we've all well heard by now, Boyle's been having meltdown after meltdown since losing the massively popular Britain's Got Talent compeition. Small woman from a small town gets overexposed to fame, loses in front of millions, and gets admitted to a mental hospital shortly thereafter. They thought Boyle was sane enough to go out on tour shortly after the competition ended - and after she was released from her mental health care - but she's had to cancel performance after performance for any number of undisclosed reasons. Cowell addresses it all.

He first notes that he didn't pick up on anything unusual at first, but knew something was wrong the moment Boyle lost the competition...

We didn't handle the situation with Susan as well as we could have...I don't know that I could have done it any differently..I didn't pick up on any unduly troubling signs...when the dance group Diversity won, I looked over at her face and thought: 'Christ, she doesn't know how to deal with not winning.'..It was a bad moment.

...And then gets introspective, admitting the troubling self-doubt he had that evening when he got home.

I remember having a drink that night and trying to relax, but still feeling a bit strange. Something just didn't feel right. And sure enough, it wasn't. No need to repeat the details here - that wouldn't be fair to Susan...

Finally, he gets to the part where he asks Boyle's family if he should've done things differently, if he shouldn't have allowed her to attempt to go on tour. They didn't see any way for him to have done so. He reveals that he actually sat down with them to discuss this. Boyle's family's been mostly - questionably - quiet on the matter. On one hand, you could easily get conspiratorial about this. On the other, silence often implies consent. And Cowell dishes:

Last week, I met them in my London office and I asked them: 'Tell me honestly; did we do right or did we do wrong?' What I meant was, was it right to allow Susan to carry on performing in the show once it became clear that she was finding it stressful? And they said, unanimously, that we did the right thing. They said that Susan has always wanted to sing and had sat at home for years, wishing that she had a chance.

He also gets into his feelings on having children on show, and his treatment of them. In regards to the kids crying, he notes that it "made [him] feel worse than anything else...It was a huge, huge mistake."

Unfortunately, Cowell doesn't get into his harsh, almost sadistic treatment of American Idol contestants, nor does he lay out a plan for making sure lives like Boyle's aren't affected in the future the way hers was. But for a guy who essentially pioneered the art and culture of taking regular people with often ludicrous ambitions of fame and essentially giving it to them regardless of consequence, this is kind of a big deal.

Maybe not pragmatically, maybe not logistically, but certainly philosophically. The same thing happened with Chuck Barris later in his life, when he started writing books admitting to the incredible emptiness years of doing average-joe-exploitation TV show The Gong Show had filled him with (forgetting Barris's insane/hysterical claim that he was a CIA spy). This could aspire Cowell to have a "cleaner burn" on the entertainment and culture he produces, one that has a staggeringly large reach. Probably not, but somehow, these words

I also accept, as the shows grow, that I have new responsibilities to my contestants.

kind of matter. Hopefully, Cowell's money-minting TV production machine will be proceeding for the betterment of the people it uses for show and for profits moving forward. It's kind of a pipe dream, but at least we can blame him for giving it to us, now.

After the Britain's Got Talent backlash, Simon Cowell finally admits: 'Sorry, I did make mistakes' [Daily Mail]

• Yesterday, we reported: "Susan Boyle's BACKINYOFACE, mothafuckas!" And now we're sad to report: Susan Boyle's "exhausted" again. She pulled out of a Manchester tour date because she wasn't feelin' it. This can't be good. I mean, let's just say what needs to be said here: the woman always kind of felt a little, well, off. It was her quirk and naivety of fame that did the whole "capture our hearts" thing, so, you know, you'd think: these things would be something to watch out for, indicators of some lack of preparedness for the fame she achieved two seconds after she stepped off that stage the first time. And now, here we are: a tired woman, being driven crazy by too much at once. Sigh. [TMZ]
  
  
• Still can't get over the Dustin Lance Black photos, if only because I'm trying to remember which other non-acting Oscar winners have had photos of them leaked. Really, this entire thing is just a solid Jeopardy answer in the making. Anyway: Black released a statement in response to the photos leaking, in which he apologizes for not practicing safe sex. "More important than the embarrassment of this incident is the misleading message these images send. I apologize and cannot emphasize enough the importance of responsible sexual practices." [E!]
  
  
• WTF. Cindy Adams wrote two pages for the Post this morning on how to stash cash away. Sample line: "You can glue single bills flat inside luggage lining — providing your suitcase is classy enough for a lining and you don't mind the inconvenience of then ripping that bag to shreds to get the paste off the money." Uh, thank you, Crazy Aunt Cindy? Next week, Neel Shah teaches you how to beat a dude with a lead pipe. [Page Six]
  
  
• Har! Salman Rushdie tore the shit up 'out the dance floor at a party the other night. Noteth Page Six, poetry in motion: "'She had heels on, so he only came up to her breasts,' laughs our source. 'With her low-cut dress and his bald head, when he's dancing with her he looks like her third boob.'" Oh, come on. That's funny. [Page Six]
  
  
• Prince Harry's new ladyfriend is a total starfucker. She dated Russell Brand at one point, and one time she had a "romp" in a hot tub with Jack Osbourne and another girl. A "romp," from what I understand, is a funny British word for "sex that isn't really sex" (as opposed to a "snog" which is definitely sex, or a "muggle" which is a non-magical person). [News Of The World]
  
  
• Colin Ferrell needs more bodyguards to protect him from all the paparazzi headed his way. I mean, really? Colin Ferrell? [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Michael Phelps is still rocking some kind of porn stache. It's fantastic. [TMZ]
  
  
• Craig Ferguson almost killed himself before running into the friend who would help him have the career he has now. ""I felt worse than I ever had. ... I was a drunk, a loser and a disaster as a human being. ... The shame was immense. It pushed down on me like a terrible weight." Wow. [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Ron Burkle denied everything Mark Ebner wrote about him on his blog that didn't make it into Ebner's book on Burkle, which mostly amounts to an "omitted chapter," a salacious little bit where Burkle calls in prostitutes for a girl-on-girl show. Ebner once wrote an article on the Church of Scientology, where, for the purposes of full-disclosure, he wrote: "I am an ex-drug addict who has solicited prostitutes in my day. I've also masturbated and inhaled at the same time, and I have been arrested more than once in my life. I dropped out of high school and I've been under psychiatric care." Here's the thing, Mark: you're not a celebrity! Not even the Scientologists care! Too much full disclosure. TMI. Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell emerged from a strip club Friday night covered in lipstick. Cute. [P*r*z H*lt*n]

• Lindsay Lohan's obsessive stalking of Samantha Ronson throughout Europe seems to have worked. Ronson appears to have caved to Li-Lo's insanity out of fear for her life or something, as they were spotted spending the day together in Los Angeles after a Lohan tweet hinted that they may be back togther. [Sun]
  
  
• Things are getting ugly between Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott on the set of their Robin Hood flick. Allegedly producers are having to fly in to make peace between the two, who have refused to speak to each other at times. Russell Crowe also so showed up fat to play Robin Hood at the start of filming, something that didn't please Scott and the producers, who forced Crowe to go on a crash diet to lose 35 lbs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway thinks she's ready for the bright lights of Broadway and is set to play Judy Garland in the the upcoming musical, Get Happy, The Life of Judy Garland. [Daily News]
  
  
• Here's a shocker—NBC is vigorously denying the Speidi torture allegations, basically saying that everything Heidi and Spencer have claimed is a load of crap. Again, shocking. [Daily News]
  
  
• Susan Boyle has reclaimed her sanity with the help of her cat "Pebbles" and is ready to start rehearsing for the Britain's Got Talent tour. [Mirror]
  
  
• This whole Jon and Kate thing is already beyond ridiculous, but it only grows more so by the day—Authorities with the Pennsylvania Humane Society were called on to investigate whether or not the Gosselin's dogs had been abused by the family. [Dlisted]
  
  
• Chris Brown has taken to surrounding himself with burly bodyguards whenever he makes public appearances out of fear that someone will seek retaliation for his beating of Rihanna. [Page Six]
  
  
• Simon Cowell is on the verge of nailing down a deal to produce a remake of Saturday Night Fever, with Zac Efron set to star as the character played by John Travolta in the original. [Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of New York was cleared of assault charges after the dude she allegedly beat up failed to show up in court. [EOnline]

• The Daily Mail visited Amy Winehouse on the tropical island where she's supposed to be cleaning her life up. When they met her at 9am, she was already on her second shot of tequila. The whole thing has gone horribly wrong and some doubt she'll live to record another album. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• After having Sacha Baron Cohen's ass all up in his face to create a fake controversy, Eminem had his LA hotel room broken into. His laptop and a 650K necklace were stolen. [Daily News]
  
  
• London is on high alert as Hurricane Lohan is rolling through town to spend time with Samantha Ronson, who's in town for a DJ gig. [Sun]
  
  
• Simon Cowell called Susan Boyle to offer her his "unconditional support" in aiding her recovery from the breakdown she recently suffered. [Mirror]
  
  
• Melissa Joan Hart, who graced this past week's cover of People for having lost a bunch of weight, was overheard telling friends that she hoped that Farrah Fawcett didn't die during the week of her cover, thus bumping her off of it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lily Allen just can't keep her nipples inside her of her damn dress, and the world is a much better place because of this. NSFW! [Drunkenstepfather]
  
  
• Daily Show alum and current The Office cast member Ed Helms just can't resist belting out Broadway showtunes at completely inappropriate times. [Starpulse]
  
  
• A new biography details what exactly happened when Britney Spears broke down and shaved her head and seemed as though she was going way off the deep end. [Mirror]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is hinting that she and her boyfriend Douglas or whatever his name is might be getting married this summer. [EOnline]
  
  
• Pixie Geldof got trashed at Bungalow 8 in London and photographers got a bunch of pics of her stumbling around in the street. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have definitely quit I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. No, none of this was staged at all. [Daily News]