Gawker: Simon Cowell

Naomi Campbell Pretends To Be A Good Person

Ryan Tate — Mon, 05 May 2008 06:20:53 EDT

Instead of viciously beating people with her cellphone, supermodel Naomi Campbell tried bringing tea and coffee to assistants on the TV show Ugly Betty. Ten bucks says the coffee and tea had, in turn, been bought by Campbell's own assistant, and that Campbell hasn't been into a Starbucks since 1998. I hope someone demanded her drink be brought back with nonfat milk at exactly 195 degrees. [News Of The World]
Miley Cyrus after some kind of Disney concert in Orlando: "I hope you had an awesome time. I saw a sign back there that said: 'Miley, I'm praying for you.' I could not be more appreciative. Thank you guys for all your support. Without you, none of this would be possible. I love every one of you and I could not be more appreciative. God bless you." I think she could be more appreciative. [Sun]
Victoria Beckham and husband David were looking forward to a quiet trip to Napa Valley via Tom Cruise's empty-and-waiting private jet. Turns out Cruise, his wife and four Hollywood pals were waiting on the plane to surprise them. See, for Scientologists, the line between "surprise party" and "awful kidnapping" does not exist. [Showbiz Spy]
Singer Winona Ryder apparently still allowed to shop. [Popsugar]
Lindsay Lohan is going on Ugly Betty. [People]
Amy Winehouse, who is Jewish, is wearing rosary beads to support her jailed husband. Further destroying the Catholic church is just a nice side effect. [Oh No They Didn't]
I can't muster much outrage, but the British tabs sure can: "POP mogul Simon Cowell has been allowed to park his Rolls-Royce wherever he likes — a privilege usually reserved for the QUEEN." [Sun]
In the wake of testimony against her alleged stalker, Uma Thurman went brunette. This information would be of use pretty much only to... stalkers. [P6]

But Can Sanjaya Balance Traditional Strategies With Cutting-Edge Arbitrage Opportunities?

jliu — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 16:00:58 EDT

In the Wall Street Journal Weekend Edition, Karen Richardson has a wonderful story about World's Second Richest Person Warren Buffet — he's a bit like John the Baptist to Bill Gate's Jesus — and how he's cutely put out an A.P.B. for a man (yes, MAN; let's not kid ourselves) to replace him as Berkshire Hathaway's Chief Investment Officer. You can imagine the meta-narrative all this fits into:

Now, the résumés are flooding in — and the process is turning out to be every bit as unconventional as the billionaire investor himself. Among the 600 or so applicants so far: a Talmudic scholar who picks stocks from home, a Canadian economist with an intense yoga practice and even a four-year-old.

"We're going to run this like 'American Idol' in the end," the 76-year-old Mr. Buffett quipped in an interview.

And so it appears the rich really aren't like you and me; the Idol reference suggests Buffett's one of the two or three folks alive that haven't had Donald Trump personally garlic-breath scream in their face about The Apprentice. But, no matter. Consider the possibilities!

To wit, Simon Cowell replaced by let-me-make-my-money-then-shut-the borders Lou Dobbs! Randy Jackson's yo dawgs swapped out for Jim Cramer's boo-yahs! Paula Abdul's benzodiazepine slurs supplanted by Maria Bartiromo collagen-injection purrs! To say nothing of the contestants!

There'd be early-round ritual humiliation:

What [a trial period] isn't, however, is a mentorship program, something many applicants have misinterpreted. He says he isn't looking for someone to teach, but for "someone who already knows how to do it."

The misunderstanding is reflected in dozens of letters from students, profession investors and a surprising number of engineers and lawyers hoping to be apprenticed [natch!] to the master. "I assure you," wrote one 20-year-old college student, "although I may be short on experience, I am very long on potential." [Ed: Sure you are, Aleksey] A lawyer in Oregon recommended his four-year-old son, characterizing the toddler as a "great negotiator" on issues such as "bedtime, chores, allowance, baths, etc."

And, after all that, the Aiken/Guarini train wrecks will still slip through, throwing into flux all conventional notions of irony, pitchiness, and secondary sex characteristics:

In Ottawa, economist Klaus Kostenbauer takes a more spiritual approach. As manager of Prosperous Yogi Investments, he regularly practices a rigorous form of yoga call kundalini, and mediates several hours a week.

"My yoga makes me a better investor," says Mr. Kostenbauer, 40. "It helps with discipline, mastery of your emotions, and mastery of greed, fear and patience."

Just like my blogging, Mr. Buffett! Except it's also taught me a bit about constructing structurally parallel sentences!

Please read the whole article. Political economy is fake. —Jon

Want to be Next Warren Buffett? A Line Forms in Nebraska [WSJ]

Gossip roundup

Gawker — Tue, 01 Apr 2003 05:58:22 EST

· Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres, 79, was spotted dancing at Bungalow 8. "He was shaking it," said one onlooker. An Israeli consulate rep confirmed Peres was there, but said, "I can't verify whether [Peres] was shaking it or not." [Page Six]
· Cher, on severing her relationship with Michael Jackson: "I don't have a nice thing to say about him. He and I were friends when he was little. I watched him grow up and all that, but, you know, you dangle a baby over a balcony, that's it for me." [Page Six]
· Page Six alleges that esteemed thespian Colin Farrell was at Scores on Saturday. Colin would never...WHO IS SPREADING THESE VICIOUS RUMORS?! [Page Six]
· Anyone wishing to audition for another version of "The Bachelorette" in which "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell will help the "bachelorette" pick the winner, should email the casting agents at Billywonka@aol.com. They say the only want "Caucasian women" ages 26-32. [Page Six]
· Actor Alan Cumming, describing the difference between British and American humor "whilst illegally lighting up": "Yes, we're [puff] more [puff] vulgar. But [puff puff puff puff puff] I like that...and I'd better finish now before they [puffffffffffff] arrest me." [Cindy Adams]
· Martha Stewart, who has made a business out of every holiday, once told her viewers on April 1 that she planned to "send my tax returns to the calligrapher." Stewart also said she had to buy a new car because she couldn't change the clock for daylight savings. Shocked fans called immediately and offered to help her with her settings. [NY Daily News]