• Your Own Apartment: You can't smoke in your own apartment? Get the fuck outta here. You live in a dorm? No? Get the fuck outta here.
• The Sidewalk Outside Your Apartment: They tried to just sneak that in with the apartment ban, as if it wouldn't make people quadruple times as mad.
• Any Other Sidewalk: If someone smoking on a sidewalk bothers you, stop standing directly in front of them and sucking the smoke from the tip of their cigarette into a large hose attached to your mouth. That's bad for you.
• The Park: There is so much fresh air out there. Come on.
• Concerts: Other than, you know, the Symphony Orchestra. Any concert venue without chairs, definitely. Hardcoreness demands it.
• Your Car: Open the windows to be nice.
• Anywhere Else Where There Is No Physical Barrier Between the Tip of Your Cigarette and The Sky: It's all about dispersion.

Here you see a photo of kreteks, the kind of cloves everyone smokes in the USA. See them? They are cigarettes. But Kretek International is now suing the FDA to get them branded "Cigars," because, the WSJ points out, "The wrapper is homogenized leaf, the tobacco air-cured, and the finished product comes in boxes of 12, not 20."

Try this: Take a dozen clove cigarettes and put them in a box. Now look at them again. Have they magically been transformed into cigars? No? Damn it. Well, don't get too upset, hippies. Consider it part of your government-mandated path towards becoming Marlboro addicts. Hey, your lungs will thank you.

Oh. No they won't. But you won't smell like cloves at least.

Well actually you'll smell worse. But you won't be such a hippie.
[Pic via]

Stupid lawmen types noticed that LA was becoming overrun with legal weed spots, thanks to a legal loophole, so they tried to put a moratorium on them, and were sued. Meanwhile, cops are kicking in doors and shutting shit down at weed dispensaries. It's not the Feds, dude, it's the locals; specifically, LA district attorney Steve Cooley, a bitch ass scrub who wants to shut down all the weed shops because they are not technically "legal," in California, allegedly. That's right, Cooley: We called you a bitch ass. It's in the first amendment, look it up.

But meanwhile, you know who is on the side of the weed people? A motherfucking judge!

A Superior Court judge concluded today that Los Angeles' moratorium on new medical marijuana dispensaries is invalid and granted a preliminary injunction against enforcement of the ban sought by a dispensary that had sued the city.

Follow the law and stop being illegal against weed!
[Pic via]

The science is clear: a new meta-study shows that in places where smoking's banned in public places, heart disease and cardiovascular problems drop off noticeably and rapidly. Which makes sense! More suckily, the smokers among us—and the obese—are about to screwed, by the law:

By more than doubling the maximum penalties that companies can apply to employees who flunk medical evaluations, the legislation could put workers under intense financial pressure to lose weight, stop smoking or even lower their cholesterol.

Being a fat unhealthy smoker already means that you're probably a poor miserable bastard who's going to die young. Must we penalize America's poor miserable bastards even more? If so, start with this guy.
[Pic via]

Can we simply state the obvious here by saying: Don't cry, kids. "Flavored cigarettes," what the fuck, really? "Camel Exotic Blends by R. J. Reynolds, which had flavors like Twista Lime, Kauai Kolada and Warm Winter Toffee." How many other, more potent drugs did you have to be on for those flavors to sound appealing when mixed with tobacco, and set on fire?

Tobacco is nasty. It's supposed to be nasty. It is not supposed to taste like various flavors of pie. "Flavored tobacco" is for hookah smokers who spend all day lounging around cafes rather than blazing trails and building railroads and slaughtering native populations.

In other words, good old-fashioned unflavored cigarettes helped make this country great. You can smoke them on a horse (obv.) without everyone for the next ten miles downwind wondering where that distinct Kahlua aroma is coming from. And cloves? Don't even start with that. "Cloves." Come on.

The point is, now kids will go straight to the unfiltered Luckies, and save their "flavoring" for the weed, and for mixing with Everclear. Your health is the most important thing, next to maintaining America's badass rep.

The NYT sent a trained journalist to stroll amongst the masses out at a park, in New York City. She found that—despite the fact that smokers are nasty baby killers who should just go stand over there (no, farther over there)—people are not so hot on banning citizens from engaging in solitary activities in the park. What's next, masturbation?

"Where else are people going to go where they can enjoy themselves because it's free? Except the jail or the park, that's it."

A man can't enjoy himself in the park or in jail these days! Mayor Bloomberg is defending this nannyish notion, but, come on, did you see his speech at his "party" last night? All the speechwriters in town can't hide the fact that you're a nerd, Mayor Mike. A big one.
[Pic via]

No, apparently, for City Health Commissioner Dr. Thomas A. Farley wants to prohibit smoking at beaches and parks. The move, he and his allies claim, will help reduce smoking rates, which have fallen since a ban on smoking in bars.

Of course, Cheryl G. Healton, who heads the anti-smoking group American Legacy Foundation supports the move:

There is no redeeming value in smoking at beaches or parks, Anyone who has sat behind someone smoking a stogie can tell you that. The health risks are real. Secondhand smoke is deadly.

Yeah, that's true: second hand smoke is deadly, but it's hardly the most annoying thing about public parks. Children, for example, are exceedingly annoying, but there's no ban on them. But, seriously, parks are outdoor, public spaces. The very idea of banning smoking there is an affront to American ideals. How can a city government even consider enacting such a ban? It's insulting. If a smoker wants to light one up while enjoying a picnic, that's their business. It's an open space and well within their right. But, we suppose the city has more power than some tar-lunged ash bag. And that's sad.

Image via Auntie P's flickr.

See, the government outlawed flavored cigarettes, so Kretek, which makes all the cloves you smoke, is now selling clove cigars. Problem solved!

Lake Isabella, Calif., resident Terry Day, 42 years old, used to drive 240 miles round-trip to buy clove cigarettes when he lived in rural Valentine, Neb. He said he might try the cigars but was dubious about whether he would like them.

That is even farther than most heroin addicts are willing to drive. Fun fact(?) about the origin of the healing powers of cloves:

Studebacher Hoch, a resident of Kudus, Java, created kreteks in the early 1880s as a means to deliver the medicinal eugenol of cloves to the lungs, as it was thought to help asthma. It cured his chest pains and he started to market his invention to the village, but he died of lung cancer before he could mass market it.

[Pic: AP]

Floyd Abrams—probably the most famous First Amendment lawyer in America, father of Dan Abrams, and frequent attorney for the New York Times—is representing the tobacco giant Lorillard in a lawsuit against the new law, which restricts everything from cigarette packaging to sponsorships, and virtually bans the marketing of "light" cigarettes. Also it would seriously fuck with magazine advertising! Wake up, bureaucrats! This law will actually prevent Big Tobacco from saving people's lives:

Combined with the existing ban on advertising on television and radio, and a new ban on outdoor advertising within 1,000 feet of any school of playground, the companies said it would be almost impossible to communicate with adults even about what it claims are "reduced harm" products.

Representing society's most odious institutions just gives Floyd Abrams more street cred.

Chantix and Zyban can help you stop smoking, by ending your life:

Federal drug regulators warned Wednesday that patients taking two popular drugs to stop smoking should be watched closely for signs of serious mental illness, as reports mount of suicides among the drugs' users.

And you'll get a nice hearty chuckle out of this: Zyban is also sold as Wellbutrin as an antidepressant, with one small flaw: "suicidal thoughts by patients who use it for depression." Uh huh.

Science: totally worthless.
[Pic via]

Last year, tobacco companies spent $78.4 million on ads in the U.S., with $69.3 million of that in magazines, mostly male-oriented publications including Maxim, Playboy, Men's Journal and Field & Stream

And therefore?

The ad industry opposes the legislation, arguing that it violates free speech.

Tobacco companies would only be allowed to run text-only, black-and-white ads, which lack that smoky tobaccozazz that gets the kids excited. Sure, the advertising and tobacco industries would love for kids to be healthy and all, but can we please be rationally for a moment and consider the impact this could have on Field & Stream? Is a world without Maxim a world worth living in, for a 17 year-old smoker?

Mostly this is just your daily reminder that the ad industry is just as morally bankrupt as the tobacco industry. Now, time to gobble some delicious Snus.
[WSJ]

hormiga brava chavez Says:

Fake News has the most bogus polls I've ever seen!

June 12th, 2009 at 10:03 am

DNFP Says:

Did they even care about Jeff Gannon's off-the-record late-night visits to Dumbya?

IOKIYAR.

June 12th, 2009 at 10:03 am

tom Says:

Suggestions for the next FoxSnooze poll question list:

1) is Bristol keeping the barn door closed or still taking a roll in the hay from time to time?

2) do you think it's manly when John Boehner cries?

3) Liz Cheney — boxers or briefs?

June 12th, 2009 at 10:10 am

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Additional nicknames employed: "Dubya," "FAUX News," "DBumbya."

Anyway, "do you think it's manly when John Boehner cries" is actually kinda funny.

Parliament Lights
Sometimes referred to as p-funks or p-fags, these recessed-filter cig'ruts were the chosen brand of the hipster gentry. There's something classic yet silly about them—the associations they once had with "white trash" are long lost memories, as they've been co-opted by young people wearing western shirts. Basically they were the Pabst Blue Ribbon of the smoking set. Also popular in the gay world for their sleek design and easily-matchable pack colors, Parliament Lights were both hip and sorta lame. They became cliches long before they got banned.

Marlboro Lights
Oh the drama! Marbs were the chosen cigarette of handbag-crazed skinnygirls and other fabulous, star-obsessed youngs. They sort of reached the peak of their cultural relevance in the late 90s, when fashionable stars like Gwyneth Paltrow were spotted puffing away, clutching that classy-lookin' gold and white box. Marlboro Lights were the cigarettes that people who "don't smoke" smoked, as they almost seemed like nothing—like air or tissue paper. And, that's exactly what the manufacturers wanted you to think. We're not quite sure what happened to the Marlboro Light—why it lost its cultural capital—but we suppose it's moot now.

Camel Lights
Camel Lights are perhaps the most versatile of any of the big light brands. Smoked by theater kids and soulful poet street toughs (you know who you are) alike, the dense, tar-filled sticks lent an air of devil-may-care coolness to any who set them aflame. Camel Lights smokers were some of the most aggressively defensive (that's a thing...) in all of smokedom, claiming superiority to anyone who dares impugn the Turkish carcinogens. These were the cigarettes kids smoked when they first started— and either they got too heavy and they downgraded to Parlies or Marlboros, or they stuck it out and they're still doing it to this day, those lung-hacking badasses. Well, not for long.

Winston Lights
The cigarette smoked by the kids who'd likely grow up to be the old guys who sit outside the corner spa, cranking butts and telling weird, mumbly stories. Though they come from the same stock, these cigs were more potent and old timey dignified than the cheap, mass-market Marlboros. While the soulful poet-thugs mighta been sucking down Camels, the regular-poets-with-chips-on-their-shoulders boys were standing back behind school pensively puffing on a Winston. How they get from that artful, lovely bent to the hunched-over grizzled townie is one of life's great mysteries. One that now, it seems, will go forever unanswered.

Newport Lights
If you grew up in Boston, Newport Lights meant pretty much one thing: Southie. Which is to say that while menthol cigarettes have a gnarled and unsavory past with African Americans (they were passed off by cigarette manufacturers as "a brand for the blacks!", and of course they're the worst kind of cigarettes you can buy), there were a whole lotta white kid menaces (and their gaggles of wannabe followers) who were also stuffing fiberglass down their throats. Basically, no matter who you were—white, black, whatever—Newport Lights were the cigarettes for the people (mostly young women) who just firmly didn't give a fuck. What will they turn to now?

Of course, these cigarettes will still exist. They'll just be called something else. But still it feels like some chapter is closing. Some awful, black-lunged, hideous chapter. But a chapter nonetheless.

Top image via Getty

• Yesterday: Coffee is great for you unless you smoke.
• And they tell us cigarettes are racist!
• Today: San Francisco imposes a 33 cents per pack tax on cigarettes to pay for the cost of cleaning up the butts. That's the part we don't want, why are you making us pay?
• The new head of the CDC wants to shut down smoke shops on Indian reservations. But cigarettes are cheaper there!
• Oh and not only are cigarettes racist, they are also sexist, against women.

Scientists used to think that coffee was bad for you, but now they say, woops, that was just because so many people who drink coffee are smokers, too. It was the cigarettes, not the coffee! Which is no great comfort for you, our intoxicated target demographic. But this is:

Coffee seems to protect the liver against cirrhosis, especially that caused by alcoholism. It's not clear, either for cancer or cirrhosis, whether it's coffee or caffeine that may be protective.

So just to be safe, drink lots of coffee and take a few handfuls of Vivarin whenever you're "out on the town"—or just sitting home alone in your darkened apartment draining the last of a bottle of Popov Discount Vodka! But don't smoke cigarettes. But your medical marijuana's still safe!
[LAT]

Edwina Pearce, a spokeswoman for the Cancer Council Victoria, which produced the ad in Australia, said the boy, whom she identified only as Alexander, shed real tears.

"We didn't do anything dastardly to make him cry. He did get upset, but it was about a 10-second period that he was upset for and then his mother came back and gave him a big cuddle and everything was happy again."

Sure, the anti-smoking forces say the "ends justify the means," but what if smacking the kid around would stop 100 people from smoking, or barbecuing the kid on a spit would stop 1000 people from smoking? Let's just leave the kids out of the fight altogether, shall we?

The real problem is there aren't even any cigarettes in the ad. Idea: Kid forced to smoke a whole carton of Marlboros, live on tape? [NYDN]