Now, here's how we talk about SNL when we talk about SNL. These be the rules:

Standardized Responses for SNL Threads.
1. SNL is still on?
2. I might have to watch this SNL sometime.
3. SNL hasn't been funny since _____ (insert name) was president.
4. The Tina Fey era was the (Choose one:) Best/ Worst.
5. (Canadians/Brits/Aussies:) You Americans can't say Fuck on the telly?
6. (Me, other Oldes:) Jane Curtin/ Dan Aykroyd - now there was a Weekend Update.
7. And I remember when Charles Rocket said Fuck. I got on my Commodore computer and typed a letter about it.

Normally this comes with the advisory of "don't be that guy." But last night's episode was so bad—so terribly awkward and painfully unfunny—I can't exactly blame anyone who contravenes house style, here. Should I even bother embedding some of the skits? It's not like we should condone this kind of awfulness. It's bad for the economy, for fucks sake. I considering doing this for a while, because it's patently lazy and relieves me of having to do any real work. On the other hand, this is about as authentic an assement of last night's episode of Saturday Night Live as you could probably get.

From last night's comment thread, live. And these are the Weekend Commenteratti being kind. It's like a linguistic Faces of Death, Comedy Edition. These are authentic reactions of complete, absolute, real horror:

• "You know, I started watching this with an open mind, determined not to be one of those "SNL sucks" snobs, but...This "Grace Kelly farting" thing is the worst piece of sketch comedy I've ever seen in my life. And I don't think that's an exaggeration. It's heinous." - MisterHippity. Also, this.
  
  
• "It was fucking PAINFUL." - mattchew03.
  
  
• "Dear God, please make it stop. This Rear Window skit is absolutely awful. I wondered if SNL was going to waste January Jones. Guess I got my answer." - OrneryBabe
  
  
• "Normally I defend SNL to the death, but good lord, this episode is painful to watch. I haven't been this embarrassed to be a fan of the show since Paris Hilton hosted. And January Jones's sucky cue-card reading isn't helping." - VioletViolet
  
  
• "I thought nothing could be worse than a Grace Kelly farting sketch, but I was wrong." - sweet_communist
  
  
• "This is the worst fucking episode ever, I think we may be watching history, bad, bad history." - TheProfessor69

Starting to get the idea?

Oh, and if it wasn't bad enough, from a deeply traumatized commenter, DahlELama:

OK, if you're watching SNL, you just saw Julia Allison. You can't pretend you didn't. I will not be the only one who's seen her onscreen. I can't be.

Yeah. They ran a Julia Allison commercial for Sony during SNL. Last night's SNL. And the Black Eyed Peas were the musical guest. Poor Fergie. First, Josh Duhamel does it with a stripper, and then she gets screwed by SNL by being on this episode. I'm going to take this moment to apologize to anyone who I might've suggested watch last night. I feel guilty. For the sake of history, let's learn from how bad this one was. The "good" skits don't even deserve to be talked about.

Here's your "Grace Kelly Farting" Rear Window skit. Reminder: jokes about Jimmy Stewart haven't been funny since Tom Hanks started acting. And jokes about farting haven't been funny since I was fourteen. Watch how January Jones breaks character at 4:55 and laughs. Probably because she thinks this is funny. Which is maybe why they went with it.

Here's a Digital Short where Fred Armisen keeps walking in on Andy Samberg taking a shit. I'm serious.

Like, honestly, no, fuck that, we're done here. See you next week, I think Dave Matthews Band is going to be on. Let's all get drunk and hope they play "Ants Marching," which, of course, they won't do. Lorne Michaels, you are mean. Especially considering the irony of this being the episode's musical centerpiece. I have no idea about the video's watermark, but it's somehow appropriate:

Dear god.

First off, let's talk rules. From a commenter, on our last SNL Digest:

Standardized Responses for SNL Threads.
1. SNL is still on?
2. I might have to watch this SNL sometime.
3. SNL hasn't been funny since _____ (insert name) was president.
4. The Tina Fey era was the (Choose one:) Best/ Worst.
5. (Canadians/Brits/Aussies:) You Americans can't say Fuck on the telly?
6. (Me, other Oldes:) Jane Curtin/ Dan Aykroyd - now there was a Weekend Update.
7. And I remember when Charles Rocket said Fuck. I got on my Commodore computer and typed a letter about it.

Don't be that guy. Onward:

Taylor Swift's opening monologue: self-depreciating about writing superficial songs ("songs about douchebags who cheat on me, LA LA LA LA LA"), talking shit on Joe Jonas, Kanye West, and more or less totally came out publicly about dating Twilight star Taylor Lautner, and inspiring an audience singalong. She was crazy-charismatic and pulled it off with a fair amount of flair. This was, for what it's worth, how every one of them should be done.

The cold open was a take on Fox News, with Greta Van Susteren, Shep Smith—played by Bill Hader, somewhat homoerotically—Karl Rove, Joe Trippi, etc, but it was mostly a play on the personalities that weren't anything special (besides Hader's Shep Smith). Jason Sudekis tried to do Glenn Beck, but to properly make fun of Glenn Beck via Sketch Comedy, you're going to have to get racier than this:

Weaksauce. But back to Taylor:

She also did plenty of riffs on how young she is, including this perfectly timed short commercial with her wearing headgear braces, which is the kind of visual indignation most SNL potential diva guest hosts won't run with:

One of her three big celebrity impersonations, Kate Gosselin was a little stilted, even with the "Kate Gosselin, emphatically talking" running joke, but was, for the most part, funny. As is watching Keenan Thompson dressed up as Whoopi Goldberg, which is absurd visual humor, and yeah, an easy sight gag, but one with a decent payoff. Any sketch that involves a panel of people often runs too long, though, and this one was no exception. The last minute drags on a little.

There was a bizarre, boring sketch involving BBQ and Swine Flu jokes that's not really worth watching. The night's big viral moment's going to go to the Digital Short, which is a play on Twilight, with Frankensteins. Especially priceless was the dead-eyed look Bill Hader plays the Robert Pattenson-character (Frankenstein) with, and the flaky melodrama of Kristen Stewart that Taylor Swift kinda nailed.

As she did with her Shakira impersonation, which isn't on Hulu. Fast-forward to 1:25, you'll get the gist. It was an otherwise patently dumb sketch about a movie involving bunnies, with a soundtrack.

Except this skit, which involved lots of screaming, about two officers teaching juvie inmates lessons via dated pop culture references. Six minutes, for this? Someone in the writers' room is letting their assistant do more than carry the coffee. Come on:

Less screaming! Kenan, the crazy-eyes are funny, but every time SNL puts on a screechy sketch, most people walk away. You don't need to violate our hearing capabilities to do big humor. What happened to shock value? The key to this episode was playing The Taylor Swift Angle at every possible moment-who she is, what she is, why she's different-which is why it was kinda surprising to see Kanye West not cameo on a skit with her. Then again, they nailed it with this, which is how some hyperactive post-college roommates kind of actually talk. I know these girls, you know?

Terrifying, funny, nuanced. Weekend Update was fairly boring other than a drop-in from Amy Poehler on Goldman Sachs getting Swine Flu vaccines from the CDC. Two minutes and sixteen seconds of complete Goldman Sachs raging. Just long enough, just enough indignation, and completely to the point:

The only other skit worth mentioning was the Entertainment Tonight spoof. Celebrity news broadcast journalists really are this insane.

Big complaint: Andy Samberg was incredibly underused this week—why?—but other than that, not bad at all! If the show used all their guest hosts like this, if they were all as good, we'd watch more. The writing still desperately needs work, and Saturday Night Life needs to forget being more family friendly. So far, Jenny Slate saying "fuck" is still as edgy as this season's been, and this is a show with a legacy most of us would rather not see be any more sullied.

Either way, suck it, Joe Jonas. Taylor Swift did a better job than anyone in recent memory, and definitely, this season; SNL, learn quickly, your performer-host double-threats like Swift (and Justin Timberlake) seem to be natural fits lately. And they have catchy songs, too! Take it out, Taylor Swift.

What'd we think?

The interesting thing about this is that Saturday Night Live by no means has to edit the episode to contain the rehearsal footage skit; they could've just run the same episode and be fine. You have to wonder where along the chain of command someone said "run the funnier version." But why couldn't they have just performed it the first time?

Eh. SNL disappointment shouldn't come as a surprise to many, but the fact that they hold back on the good stuff is just depressing. Then again, it's nice to know they're making an effort to put it out there. Here's hoping they can add some pizazz to a fairly blase November schedule.

Typically, we'll get to this a lot earlier in the day, but there was a special kind of fun going on this weekend.

First off, let's talk rules. A commenter made a very astute observation (it happens) about much of the conversation regarding Saturday Night Live these days. It bears repeating here, because it was so spot-on:

Standardized Responses for SNL Threads.
1. SNL is still on?
2. I might have to watch this SNL sometime.
3. SNL hasn't been funny since _____ (insert name) was president.
4. The Tina Fey era was the (Choose one:) Best/ Worst.
5. (Canadians/Brits/Aussies:) You Americans can't say Fuck on the telly?
6. (Me, other Oldes:) Jane Curtin/ Dan Aykroyd - now there was a Weekend Update.
7. And I remember when Charles Rocket said Fuck. I got on my Commodore computer and typed a letter about it.

Saturday Night Live's still on TV because people still watch it. Why? Because it's live, because there are celebrities in skits, because there's music, because sometimes there's nothing better than staying home on a Saturday night, but mostly because sometimes, it can be funny. If you're going to be old and assy, please: now would be the best time to go the fuck away.

So! Let's talk the hype on this thing. Lorne shitcanned Michaela Watkins and Casey Wilson, which Brian thinks dooms them to lives of obscurity, and which some people think had to do with one of them being "fat." He replaced them with Jenny Slate and Nasim Perdrad, whom bloggers were blogging about.

First guest lineup: Megan Fox and U2. Hype rating: B.

Opening sketch: a little underwhelming for the first of the season. It was lampooning Moammar Gadhafi's rambling UN speech, which is an obscure political flub for SNL to dive into. Maybe that's what made it so funny: the comedy of being semi-lost in translation, the comedy of foreign diplomacy (inherently funny IRL), and, well, foreigners (easy stuff for SNL). It won me over, but still: I'd expect bigger. Also: too long. That makeup job, however, is great, and hysterically accurate. Grade: B-

Megan Fox's opening monologue was about guys photoshopping her head onto the bodies of other people on the internet. First joke ("Feels like being here is a dream. Based on the way they dressed me: a 13 year-old boy's dream.") was great, but the play on nudie pics got old, quick. They threw an "audience" internerd in for good measure. Fox was charismatic, but also, looked strangely into the camera, like she wanted to eat it. A photoshopped picture of U2, however childish, was funny. This was the second most entertaining thing involving U2 last night, and they played three songs. Grade: C

Kristen Wiig's first skit of the night was her and Fox as flight attendants to terrified passengers. The conventions on bad flight attendants were cute, but it dissolved into a headache-inducing, screechy conversation about Monk, which is funnier out of context than it is when you're watching it. SNL Writers, learn: play on conventions, funny, overkill of characters, not. To be fair, Fox and Wiig were solid. Grade: C-

My next note read the following: "LADY GAGA IS ON NEXT WEEK OMFG YOU GUYS." I had to be reminded that the guest was Ryan Reynolds. Hype Level: A- Gags better deliver. Reynolds knows how to do comedy. But they really—really—need to put Gags in a skit. Please, for the love of Gag, put her in a skit.

Next: Bill Hader doing the Russian Bride suitor joke. Megan Fox and Fred Armison are the Russian Brides. This is funny because Fred Armison looks fucking ridiculous, and making fun of Russian sexuality: funny. Megan Fox as Katya put her best "bitchface" on to great effect. Fred Armison singing "The Groove": amazing. Just silly. Grade: A-

The first of the two digital shorts (yes, two) wasn't that great. Maybe great in an art-house humor way, but: I didn't get it. Megan Fox is on a date with someone mentally challenged? What'd the description say, "effete retard?" Fox knows how to work a camera far better than a live stage, and it showed. She played this one really, really well. Too bad it just wasn't that great. Grade: D.

Keenan Thompson: sore spot for plenty of people. Remember: Tracy Morgan had his haters, too. Some people despised the Brian Fellows character. Don't count Thompson out. Keenan as "Grady Wilson" with sex positions? Nothing new, but: funny, especially since the Megan-Fox-having-sex innuendo plays really, really dirty. "Speaking in Tounges?" "The Jabberwocky?" Those are funny. Watch Megan Fox break character at the very end of the "Wild Boar." Grade: B.

I'm not wasting any words on U2's first two performances, suffice to say that Bono thinks he's Jesus, tried to freestyle during one of them (not joking), and that the new songs sound like murky Pop b-sides we could definitely live without. Musical Guest U2: D, if only for spectacle.

Next few skits were nothing special:

Weekend Update was decent, but Seth Meyers tore through the one-liners too quickly for any of them to be funny. Kennan played a Def Jam Paris correspondent (Huh?) and Kristen Wiig did the "just kidding" nervous travel correspondent, which was kind of amazing. Still waiting to see Seth Meyers carry this thing alone slightly better, but he's got a decent handle on it for the moment. Grade: C+, for Kristen Wiig. Less a feat of humor, more one of endurance.

A late-night party line ad skit was bizarre and somewhat uncomfortable. The second digital short—about Megan Fox's roommate being Optimus Prime—wasn't great either, aside from a bizarre cameo at the very end. I won't ruin it for you, but really: was that worth it? Meh. They should stick to making celebrities rap. It doesn't get old. It really doesn't. Phone Sex grade: D. Optimus Prime grade: D.

Final skit of the night: Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox. Kristen Wiig played your mom. Not a character they can go anywhere with, because the joke's too subtle. But: points for depicting a bizarre situation accurately. Grade: D+

Finally: U2 came out to play their last song over the credits. Bono was full of lazers and swung around on this red lavawheel microphone thing, it's just something to look at. He looks like a Spider Man villain. The song sounded better than the other two, but that wasn't saying much. When will a band just go on Saturday Night Live and play a crowdpleaser? When will U2 learn that the best way to sell new albums is to sell old albums? Etc.

Ah: there's one skit you won't find on Hulu today. Wonder why that is. Jenny Slate was the first of the two new cast members to go live, and it was fuck-ing exciting. The skit? It almost felt like a setup for Slate to say "fucking," because every other word was "frickin." It was the old talk show format, starring biker chicks. You can imagine how this went. We'll omit this from the judging because who can be funny when they think their life as they know it just ended? You could tell she was shocked, and the premise wasn't that great to begin with.

Verdict: C-. Megan Fox: great guest. But used in the same kinds of sketches we're used to, with exceptions to a few. The bad ones were bad: gratingly so. Fred Armisen was underused. Kennan Thompson showed the potential I want him to have (that plenty of SNL viewers don't, for whatever reason). U2 was...U2. SNL needs to make their performances exciting again, and they're not going to do that with lasers. Remember when Elvis Costello "sabatoged" the Beastie Boys with "Radio Radio" on the 25th Anniversary? It doesn't take much to pull that kind of thing off. When the most shocking thing about SNL is someone accidentally saying "fuck" their first night on the job, something's gotta give.

Fingers crossed for Lady Gaga. Seriously. Let's see some penis.

As commenter DahlELama put it: "Serves Lorne right—Michaela Watkins would never have done that." Entirely possible! But also: maybe not? Not sure. Either way, it's surely going to generate a nice amount of publicity for the new season, which we'll get into tomorrow morning. In the mean time, enjoy the blowfish face of "oh, shit, Lorne's going to have my ass on the fryer in about twenty minutes." Let's see if she's in any skits next week. Or the week after. Or the week after that.

Be nice to her, Lorne. It's the kid's first night.

[Thanks for the assist, Mattchew03.]

And in case the above gets taken down, the original:

And these guys put together a bunch. Who wants to take a bet that at least half-at least-will be taken down by noon?

Finally, here's Seth Meyers hugging Slate at the end of the show.

I had an amazing time on SNL, and these rumors are completely untrue," Wilson, 28, tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. "And to clarify, the issue isn't that I'm too fat, it's that I'm too phat. Can I get a WHAT-WHAT!"

Ah. Maybe that's why she was fired: for being patently unfunny. I deign to use the "Shut Up, Nilla" tag two posts in a row, but the occasion calls for it. As a reminder, this is when Saturday Night Live was fat:

Will Ferrell couldn't host SNL without getting around to Celebrity Jeopardy, though they pulled out two serious stops for this one: Tom Hanks as Tom Hanks, Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds, and Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery, which is why we're here. Certainly not as great as of the CJ's of the past. Then again, I'm not sure who thought of it, but whoever did, genius: there was nothing more fun on TV this week (sorry, Lost) than watching Tom Hanks try to maneuver through plastic dry cleaning wrap.

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Ferrell's opening monologue was essentially one giant "fuck you" to the Tony voting committee and Broadway, who - if they have any brains about them at all - will give themselves national exposure by handing Ferrell a Tony for his solo show on Broadway (and subsequent HBO special). He's competing against Liza Minnelli. Somewhere, Brian Friel is not laughing. The joke about theater people's pompous self-seriousness is (especially in New York) ridiculously funny. And sadly: resonant. Unfortunately, outside of New York, it might not take.

Speaking of the Bush show, the cold open was Ferrell doing Dubya, of course - when's that going to get old for him? Will it? - and Hammond as Cheney. Again, Ferrell trying to push home the Tony win. Some of the late night ladies at Jezebel didn't like it; personally, I enjoyed. Anything with the words "face shooting" in it gets a chortle, here, but I'm a cheap date. You?

Clearly the favorite amongst the cast who came close to breaking character a bunch of times. Watch Jason Sudeikis try to handle this without laughing, especially around the five-minute mark. Jokes about speed, Bill Hader getting some strangeness in - something about a green Swatch - Maya Rudolph coming in and making complete, absolute, arbitrary nonsense. It was wonderful.

Finally: the cameo-laden finale. Spoiler: it's Ferrell doing "Goodnight Saigon." Kinda fitting. That band has Anne Hathaway, Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss, Amy Poehler, musical guests Green Day, and Paul Rudd in it. Again, this one sits squarely on the shoulders of its stars, not the writing.

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Oh yeah: Green Day was the musical guest and played some stuff off their new album, but when's a band gonna come on SNL and not do that? Remember when SNL musical performances used to be mildly interesting? Green Day should've come out dressed as 14 year-olds, played "Basketcase," broke some shit, and left. Memo to Lorne Michael: think dynamic. Also, question for Lorne Michaels: Did you burn through your entire Rolodex to pull this one off? Probably. Did it help that you had one of your best and brightest alumni hosted? Naturally. But you can't pull a glued audience simply based on the potential promise of cameos and only half-decent writing that your ace(s)-in-the-hole can walk circles around. You're gonna run out of ringers, eventually.

First, the inevitable viral Digital Short that happens when Justin Timberlake hosts: Timeberlake and Andy Samberg reunite for the "Dick In A Box" sequel, "Motherlover." Cameos from perennial MILF's Patricia Clarkson and Susan Sarandon, masterful comedy.

The show cold-opened with Will Forte as Tim Geithner in a relatively highbrow sketch about a banking stress test. Forte's Geithner impersonation wasn't perfect - or close, for that matter - but the jokes were both fairly topical and spot-on.

JT opened the show with the old standby I'm-Always-On-SNL shtick repeat hosts get to pull at some point. Typically, this is the kind of staid, old, boring shit SNL's writers lean on to devote energy towards other material that isn't funny, either. But: pair it with a musical bend and an effortlessly, ridiculously charismatic Timberlake, and it floats.

More cameos and Star Trek topicality on Weekend Update: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, and Leonard Nimoy. Finally, the stars get to slag on the fundamentalist fanboy Trekkies who're trashing the franchise's epic revitalization. Fun: watch Keenan Thompson break character at Nimoy's surprisingly decent comedic chops.

Finally, Jimmy Fallon pops in for another Barry Gibb Talk Show with Timberlake. Slightly meandering at times, but the overall effect of seeing (A) Fallon playing characters again and (B) anything that involves Justin Timberlake singing on the show plays well is a nice reminder of the glory days. It's too bad SNL has to keep dipping into the (fairly recent) past to unearth a quality hour of TV, but we'll take what we can get.

This bizarro sketch about circumcision and gay stuff (glory holes, mostly) was short and weird and sweet. Will Forte seems to be responsible for these ones.

The Fourth Jonas Brother sketch was good for two reasons. First because Alec Baldwin is just a funny fellow and looks good in a wig. Second because the Jonas Brothers didn't get any applause when they first showed up, which was hilarious, and they didn't seem to get that they were being made fun of the whole time. Ha.

In this one, it looks like they're masturbating!

The Vincent Price Valentine's Day special skit was probably the best of the evening. Those ones are always good though, if only because Kristen Wiig generally does a whacked-out Judy Garland or, in this case, Carol Channing impression. Raspberries! Too bad it's not available for embedding.

Before Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, Andy Samberg's short films were pretty much the only thing Saturday Night Live had going for it when it came to buzz. "Lazy Sunday" basically made Youtube into a company Google thought was worth $1.5 billion. NBC executives can't stop crowing over how "Dick in a Box" represents their online future. And people seem to like "Jizz in My Pants", even though it just proves that the principle of a sequel always being worst than the original applies to dick humor, too.

The joke at the heart of the "Laser Cats" series was always "it's so bad it's funny," but the effort last night — in which Will Forte sings over two guys doing boring things like high-fiving and drinking sodas, before he shows his ass (you've been warned) — has to be some inside joke. Right? Even on a particularly horrible episode of SNL, this plumbed new depths of wtf?-ness.

There was also this strange little character sketch, that I adored:

Those were pretty much the best two, though Kristen Wiig as Kathie Lee Gifford was also very good, as was the wistful Doogie Howser theme music digital short. And then Liza Minelli showed up at the end of the Penelope sketch, which was kind of amazing. A very gay episode! Fancy that!