Tupac Reveals Beverage Preference
“Sprite,” the sweet nectar that is sucked from the veins of rappers by advertising industry vampires, has claimed another victim.
Freakish Oddballs Who Like Diet Pepsi Pine for Chemicals of Yore
Sophisticated soda connoisseurs drink Diet Mtn Dew. Average people drink Diet Coke. Then there are the loners, misfits, and weirdos, who drink Diet Pepsi. They’re always hollering about some obscure grievance.
Hey--Are You Freaking Serious?--Dr. Pep Is Better Than Mtn Dew?--As If!
Americans are drinking less soda with each passing year—which makes the remaining soda that we do drink all the more important. Sadly, new evidence indicates that this country’s taste in soda is going to hell. Hey, someone call a “Doctor....”
Coca-Cola's Got a New Slogan--And We Warn You, It Is Emotional
People these days are drinking less soda, because that shit will kill you. Hey asshole: that’s all over now. Because Coca-Cola has a new slogan—and marketing strategy—that you need to know about—right now—amazing.
In China, “Pepsi has confirmed it’s working with a licensing partner on a line of mobile phones.” Okay.
McDonald's Wants a God Damn Medal for Serving Slightly Less Poison
Mustard-colored mustard merchant McDonald’s cares about kids, to the extent that kids can whine enough to convince their parents to take them to McDonald’s. McDonald’s: heroic, or most heroic?
Americans Replace Diet Coke With Even More Unhealthy Soda Preference
Americans, who fancy themselves sophisticated nutrition experts even as they consume a diet increasingly made up of petroleum byproducts, are no longer content to drink just any swill. They now prefer to drink swill that is worse than the previous swill of choice.
Just Drink Water
A new study of America's woefully inadequate parents finds that many of you have mistaken beliefs about nutrition that will—in all likelihood—one day kill your kids. Allow us to help you with a useful public health guideline.
Exactly How Many People Will Get Cancer From Soda?
You, the American soda consumer, should be aware that your precious swill contains a chemical called 4-MeI, which has the unfortunate side effect of giving humans cancer. How many of you will get a deadly disease as a direct result of this chemical? Consumer Reports kindly figured out the answer.
Hey, Soda, This Is the Beginning of the End For You
While the generally shitty fallout of yesterday's election day can be read about in thorough detail over here, there's at least one law that passed yesterday and should be celebrated: The forthcoming, first-ever soda tax imposed in America which passed yesterday in Berkeley, Calif. with over three-quarters of the…
Pepsi Blazing New Frontiers in Nasty Soda Combinations
With the exception of Diet Mtn Dew, most of the so-called beverages produced by the Pepsi Corporation are little more than bubbly carcinogens that aren't even fun, like smoking. Now, the Pepsi Corporation is offering you more nasty soda flavors than ever before.
Will your caramel-colored soda kill you with cancer? It might, if it's one of these brands.
Pepsi One Won't Give You Cancer as Long as You Don't Drink a Whole Can
For those niche purists who find the tasty Martian flavor of Diet Pepsi somehow off-putting, there is Pepsi One—a different, more poisonous diet soda flavor.
People Are Drinking Less Diet Soda. What ARE They Drinking?
What's not to like about diet soda? Same brown, sludge-like color of regular soda, plus a sickly sweet aftertaste of sugar mixed with burnt plastic—all without any calories. Alas, it seems that Americans are tiring of diet soda. Is everything different now, beverage-wise?
Soda is Turning Our Children Into Toy-Crushing Monsters
Soda is a nutritious beverage that will aid your physical health with all sorts of micro-probiotic-raw-superfood wellness, said no one. It's not good thing to put in your body and we all know that. Soda's effect on the mind and behavior has not been so frequently observed. Now, a study in the Journal of Pediatrics…
The Glamorous Life of a Woman Who Drinks Nothing But Soda
Today we bring you the story of the world's glammest lady: a 30-something Monégasque who drank nothing but soda every day for 16 years.
Pepsi Bottles Have a Sporty New Shape and Every Thing Is Different Now
Finally, a Pepsi bottle appropriate for your high-octane lifestyle.
Though Consumption May Decline, America Won't Give Up on You Yet, Brave Sodas
Your annual update on The Decline And Fall of the Soda Empire: American soda (meaning "Coke," for people who talk regular) consumption was down by 1.2% in 2012—AFTER BEING DOWN BY 1% THE YEAR BEFORE THAT ALSO. Sales of carbonated sugar water have been declining each year since 2005.
Does PepsiCo Need a New, Snackier Name?
It's a classic American hero story: PepsiCo was flagging, so it did a lot of research in its top secret BEVERAGE LAB, and started spending more money on ads, and now it's doing better. What could be more American than that? High fructose corn syrup water, ads, corporate earnings—it's everything that symbolizes this…
Introducing Mountain Dew's New Morning Drink for Bros: Kickstart
Since coffee is for pussies and tea is way gay, PepsiCo's Mountain Dew has a new morning soda to start your day off right. It's called Kickstart and it sounds delightful.
