Okay, time to say goodbye. I'm moving eight blocks up the street. This has been absurd. I'm starting at the Village Voice tomorrow. This is embarassing. TLDR warning. Whatever. Here we go:

Sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson's big orgy debut angers his non-sparkly girlfriend! Lindsay Lohan is out on the town, partying again. A-Rod dumped his new girlfriend. The Bachelor people got married! Oprah has secrets. Presenting my final Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Paris Hilton's mans and ex-mans got into a fight and hopefully punched each other in the face. Adam Lambert and Ke$ha sucked face. Susan Sarandon got puked on by a tranny. Hillary Duff: engaged. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

So, the supposedly crazy-controversial commercial for Christian pro-life organization Focus on the Family—featuring crybaby bible-thumping quarterback Tim Tebow—has arrived. And how is it?

Every year, all the people making the noises you'll hear again and again, and will continue to hear, for the rest of your life, everywhere, get together to jam. And we're rocking with 'em. This is your 2010 Grammy Liveblog.

For 500 Points: The New York Post reports on "Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner," an "oddball" who's been taking celebrities on dates for 19 years, and ponying up serious scrilla for it. So what does $150K with Lindsay Lohan get you?

Richard thinks I hate all of you. He's a LIAR. So I made my own meaningless superlative you can win: The C.O.C.K. Award! Anyway, we came up with tags for Brangelina's maybe breakup. Some were good. But one was superamazing.

Richard thinks I hate all of you. That's not true! Just...most of you. So I made my own meaningless superlative you can win: The C.O.C.K. Award! Anyway, somebody had something good to say. It was about The Jews. Naturally.

So! John Mayer's on a roll these days. The Celebrity-Industrial Complex investigative blogger and expert on date-rapey sounding quotes is now suggesting to his minions that they embark on a one-week digital cleanse. And we're here to help.

December: when people who aren't Christopher Hitchens consider God, and the Miracles of the Universe He/She/It/RuPaul bestow upon us. But there's one question every year that humanity has yet to find a sufficient answer for.

Dead or alive, you cannot escape the reach of the gift guide, telling you in magazines, newspapers, and especially websites to spend, spend, spend your money on shiny, pretty things you can't afford. Why must they do this to you?

Hotmess Courtney Love reports that hotmess Britney Spears was molested as a kid. Usher is a girlyman. Captain Scuzzybutt Esq. will make Page Six one day. Natalie Portman's "tits." Barbara Cocoran's PR team. Presenting your late-edition Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

The moment's almost here: one lucky bidder is going to be the proud owner of our charity-friendly National Book Award-winner and James Franco-endorsed copy of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue, which is going to benefit Save The Children. Not Dave Eggers.

What do Lady Gaga, Dan Abrams, Lady Gaga's Penis, and Rachel Sklar have in common with JFK? They're all out to shut down my Macarthur Grant-level work on the Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy. Sklar claims to have done it.

Riddle me this! What do Greenville, South Carolina, allegations of John McCain's illegitimate African American kid, Christian Coalition leader Ralph Reed, and former Dubya press secretary Ari Fleischer getting a blowjob have in common? No, really: guess. Ready? So awesome:

At 2009's National Book Awards we honored Sarah Palin's Going Rogue as 2010's frontrunner for the NBA Fiction Prize by getting it signed by the gathered literary luminaries. And now, it can be the best charitable, tax-deductible present ever.

I must've inadvertently done a rain dance to the gossip gods yesterday, because here at Gawker Weekend HQ, Christmas is here. Not often do I get too many O RLY?! moments like this. Everyone, meet my boss Nick's new neighbor:

The Harvard-Yale game's a storied tradition for Ivy League grads who enjoy comparing degree sizes/names. For everyone else, it's an opportunity to watch America's Prestigious Ivy Grads try to act like normal football fans, which they can't. So: what happened?!

Roland Emmerich's "Apocalypse BUKKAKE" masterpiece, 2012, opened at the box office on Friday! For a movie where everyone already knows the ending—the world, it ends—it did really, really well. So did the sad movie about the sad girl.

Damn, New York Post. You rocked it with today's headline, which gets placed in the epic "STAB BABY" headline file. But why so serious? Who're they talking about? Pinch Sulzberger? Col Allen? Jon Gosselin? Make guesses, place your bets! Ready?