So, who's Kristin Maguire? She's South Carolina's former Board of Education Chairwoman and a big wig in the state's Republican party. She resigned from the board earlier today to deal with "family matters," a term that's long been a disgraced politico's go-to excuse. It used to work, but now people are hip to it and realize that something scintillating, perhaps even sinister, remains unseen. And, according to the admittedly biased FITSNews, that's precisely the case with Maguire. They claim that the mother of four home-schooled children vacated her seat because of her super-secret hobby: writing erotic fiction.

Yes, apparently there are some similarities between Maguire and a virtual alter ego, Bridget Keeney. Like what? Well, like age, number of children and their background in engineering. That's not much to go on, of course, but FITS claims to have seen documents proving Maguire discussed the matter with Sanford ahead of her resignation and that his administration helped her cover her trail. This wouldn't be a big deal, of course, except for the fact that — surprise! — Maguire was thick as thieves with the "family values" set. She even donated $1,300 to failed presidential candidate and rabid bigot Mike Huckabee last year.

Maguire wouldn't talk to the site, but made no effort to deny the claims. Nor did she address allegations that she and Sanford's chief of staff tried, together, like a family, to scrub the skin stories from the Internet. She did, however, tell FITS that she had been to some of the sites where Ms. Keeney's work was archived.

Of course, none of this comes as a surprise: it's part and parcel for the Republican party, a clan that once included Larry Craig, Mark Foley and, by way of ideological network, Ted Haggard. The Republicans have an unparalleled ability to bounce back from sex scandals. People forget. We, like, have the collective memory of a gold fish, but we wonder if, should the Maguire story gain traction and end up being absolutely, positively confirmed, the GOP can dust itself off from this sort of story.

First and foremost, Maguire's a woman. The most prominent Republican sex scandals involve men, who, we all know, are dogs and are at least forgiven for their sexual appetites, like that prostitute-hiring Senator, David Vitter. As for the gays, like Foley, they're quietly and quickly dropped in the political dust bin, like some long-lost uncle no one can quite remember.

But Maguire's femininity, coupled with her post as head of the state's education board, could force the GOP and its followers to confront two things at once: one, women's sexuality, a topic we're sure the right-wing does not want to discuss and, two, children. She long touted teaching abstinence and intelligent design in schools, a stance that made her popular with the right-wing set. Those same family values groups, one of the GOP's most loyal constituents, also have a long history of using children to induce panic when it comes to the gays, because homos can't control their rampant sexuality and then seduce and transform the nation's children.

It would be hard for those groups to ignore Maguire's alleged prose, like a tale entitled "Continental Cuisine," which features a woman blowing a man while his pal wanks one off. (Sample line: "The rhythmic sway of the train car added to the bobbing of my head as I sucked deeply.")

Another tale goes by the name, "Lauren's Masturbatory Musings." You can only imagine what that one concerns. Both are available at FITSNews' site and are quite tawdry, trashy and downright raunchy, which means they're great.

As much as we may love them, it will be interesting to see how the GOP and, more immediately, Sanford himself react to claims that he knew about this rubbish months ago. It's a bit sad, really: the Republicans have been trying with all their might to remake their image. This doesn't do them any favors, even if it's just an unfounded reminder of the party's previous carnal sins.

Image via stewf's flickr.

The "rumors" have been an open secret in South Carolina for a while, and obviously no one outside of South Carolina would ever care, at all, if it weren't for the fact that the Governor of South Carolina is still Latin Lover-lover Mark Sanford.

So now he definitely can't resign. Closeted gay Republicans have no place in South Carolina politics!

According to the AP, Sanford used state planes to fly his wife and children around for holidays and family vacations, attend his children's sporting events, make it to dentist and hair-styling appointments, attend GOP fundraisers and a birthday party for a political donor, among other things, at a cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars to South Carolina taxpayers. Interestingly, the state's ethics laws make using state resources for personal gain a criminal offense, punishable with a $5000 fine and up to 5 years in prison.

Of course, none of this matters, even if all of these allegations prove to be true, because South Carolina's Republican lieutenant governor is rumored to be gay and there's no way the state's network of good ole boys are going to risk that embarrassment, so they'll probably figure out some way for Sanford to run the state from a federal prison if they have to.

We'd hate to be Maria Belen Chapur about now. Her heart once swelled with pure angel-kissed amor for the *ahem* handsome American hombre. Theirs was a transcendent love detailed in Mark Sanford's by now widely read lovemails. Now, it's "wrong," a "funeral," a "misfortune," a "failure." Them's the dangers of dating Republican, Maria. They're just not that into you...once they're discovered.

So, Mark Sanford has ditched MBC to lead the righteous life of quoting scripture, fake-smiling next to his wife, and groveling in the mud for public forgiveness.

A few soundbites:

I have struggled with how best to convey my regret in letting so many down, and in that regard I realize this op-ed does not do justice to the process of saying "I am sorry."

...

It is true that I did wrong and failed at the largest of levels, but equally true is the fact that God can make good of our respective wrongs in life. In this vein, while none of us has the chance to attend our own funeral, in many ways I feel like I was at my own in the past weeks, and surprisingly I am thankful for the perspective it has afforded.

...

In this regard I think all that has transpired will be particularly relevant in the way I deal with the legislative body and other state leaders going forward. Micah 6:8 asks us to do justice, love mercy, and to walk humbly, and as I begin these steps into the last 18 months of this administration, it will indeed be with a more contrite and humble spirit.

...

Finally it is at your funeral that you in many ways not only can see most clearly the things that really matter in life, but where one gets the best glimpse of who your real friends are – and how much they matter. For that reason, I want to thank so many for their kindnesses and support over the years and for their kindness in this latest chapter in our book together as South Carolinians.

[via WCBD]

Reports The State:

The GOP's executive committee options were:

• Ask the governor to resign

• Reprimand the governor in a formal, nonbinding resolution

• Do nothing

• Or support the governor

Twenty-two committee members voted for a reprimand, 10 called for his resignation, while nine voted to support the governor.

What a bunch of losers. Are they that afraid that the Lt. Governor might be a gay? Well, yeah!

But the bigger loser, despite the fact that he's barely holding on to his job, is Mark Sanford. This guy had the death of a once in a generation American icon, the deaths of numerous other high-profile celebrities, not to mention a freaking serial killer on the loose in his state, perfectly timed to make his pathetic Harlequin romance story disappear from the media radar, and yet he still couldn't shut his pie-hole and make the whole thing just go away quietly.

Congrats South Carolina! You all may not be his "soul mate," but you're the ones shacked up with him, so you guys, ugh, won. By the grace of Jesus, no doubt. Yeehaw!

State Republicans Censure Sanford [The State]

Assuming that Mark Sanford considers the "ultimate line" to mean boning, though it's certainly possible that Mark Sanford's "ultimate line" is less than conventional, he claims that, outside of his wife, he's only stuck his red, white and blue pee-pee into Maria Belen Chapur's Latin ladybox during the time he's been married. So based on what we know about Mark Sanford's personal history, let's make a few educated guesses—errr—baseless conclusions about how Sanford may have "crossed the lines."

Paying for professional handjobs—Mark and Jenny Sanford met while both were living in New York and working on Wall Street. This is where the early part of their marriage took place. Now, it's an open secret that Wall Street dudes love "rub-n-tugs," i.e. Asian massages that feature "happy endings." Could we see Mark Sanford frequenting such places? Absolutely! Though we've personally never been to one of these fine establishments, we have many friends working on Wall Street who do frequent them, and we have absolutely no trouble seeing Mark Sanford slinking in to one of these joints during his lunch break or at 2AM after a night of cocktails and cigars for a handjob. And if you're in the market for a "massage" yourself, our Wall Street friends sing the praises of "Bonnie" at the West Garden Spa. They tell us she's "a real workhorse."

Sexy online chat sessions— By now everyone has read Mark Sanford's seductive emails to Maria Belen Chapur. What woman can read Sanford's vivid descriptions of humming diesel engines and tan lines and not become moist in the nether regions? Mark Sanford is the Erica Jong of American politics! So it stands to reason that Sanford has spent time verbally sexing strangers on the internets, in freaky chat rooms and such, which is likely where he honed his considerable erotic literary skills. Mark Sanford is probably one of those people posting ads in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist seeking someone to "sexy chat" with. We always wondered who those people were!

Lusting in his heart and loins—We know that Mark Sanford is an Episcopalian and according to author Bill Bonner, the Episcopal Church has the hottest babes filling the pews.

"Throughout all of Christendom, no group has more attractive churches – nor more fetching women – than Episcopalians."

So it stands to reason that Mark Sanford has spent many Sundays in church feeling lust in his heart for other women, just like that sinning liberal communist Jimmy Carter, in church no less, which means that Jesus will personally lash him about the genitals with wet bamboo when he finally gets to heaven, if God is even willing to let him through the pearly gates that is.

Masturbating in other people's homes—After Mark Sanford left Wall Street, he and Jenny moved to South Carolina where Sanford worked as a real estate broker. Now, real estate brokers, as you probably know, are notorious for pleasuring themselves in the properties they're showing when no one else is around. This is some sort of cheap thrill that they all seem to enjoy, and if there's one thing we've learned about Mark Sanford, it's that he loves cheap thrills.

Pony play—People in South Carolina love horses. So it stands to reason that...Oh Nevermind.

Feel free to add your own reckless speculation in the comments.

Previously: Things To Do In Buenos Aires Without Your Wife

UPDATE: Sanford has been cheating on his wife and was with his mistress in Buenos Aires, a blogger reports. Oh, well, it's just some blogger, right? Nope. It's Sanford's former spokesman, who runs a South Carolina political blog.

First, the hole-digging: According to this American Conservative profile, an 8-year-old girl wandered onto Sanford's property in Lady's Island, S.C., and died. How, exactly, isn't clear, but Sanford paid her family around $300,000 in a settlement. She may have fallen into one of the holes Sanford dug on his property to clear his mind:

During Sanford's first gubernatorial campaign in 2002, an 8-year-old African-American girl wandered onto a Sanford family property on Lady's Island and drowned. A source close to the governor said she fell into a "retaining pond." Her family's lawyer, Manning Smith, called it a "pit." Other sources claim that Sanford, who owned a hydraulic excavator at the time, digs holes on his property to unwind.

Sanford's spokesman, Joel Sawyer, told TAC at the time that it "was a tragic accident, and Governor Sanford did everything he could to do right by the family involved."

Second, how cheap is Mark Sanford? This cheap:

"During his six years on Capitol Hill, he slept on a futon in his office, even though he's a millionaire who easily could have afforded a small apartment," says the National Review. "Then there's the one about Sanford's going to the movies with a couple of his fellow congressmen. He offered to buy them drinks at the concession stand—and came back to their seats with a big cup of Coke and three straws."

When his father died, TAC reports, "the Sanford family buried him under a pair of oak trees overlooking a river, according to his wishes. Mark built the casket."

Sanford refuses to turn on the air conditioner in the governor's mansion in South Carolina, where it is always oppressively hot and muggy. His wife must love him.

And finally, from his former spokesman, Will Folks:

"He'd pick up change from the street during an event. If he found an index card in the garbage and saw that only one side of it had been used, he would explain to the staffer,‘This is how campaigns are lost'," Folks says. Employees were sent to return supplies Sanford deemed too expensive or reimburse the campaign for their mistake. Even today, Sanford gets his hair cut at Supercuts-and brings a coupon.

Does this sound like the type of guy who would buy a last-minute plane ticket to Buenos Aires just for "exotic" kicks?

Also, Sanford's wife Jenny, who kicked off this whole mess by acknowledging to reporters that she had no idea where her husband was or what he was doing, and yesterday added that she's just "being a mom" and still hadn't heard from him, is no ingenue: She's managed all of Sanford's political campaigns (hiring managers can be expensive!). It's highly unlikely that she'd be capable of managing three successful congressional campaigns and two successful gubernatorial campaigns and still be stupid enough not to realize that saying those sorts of things to reporters might arouse suspicion. She knew what she was doing.

Oh, and he wind surfs, so he's as gay as John Kerry. And he lies about his name: It's really Marshall.

What does this mean? We don't know, other than that the guy is weird. And despite the lengths he goes to portray himself as a frugal, just-folks boy from the country, he met Jenny in the Hamptons while he worked at Goldman Sachs and lived in New York City. She worked on Wall Street.

But does he really have time to cut out for a week just to clear his head? Here's what he said in 2005 about his job: "I'm so busy as governor, I can barely breathe."

South Carolina's The State caught Sanford arriving at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport this morning:

Sanford, in an exclusive interview with The State, said he decided at the last minute to go to the South American country to recharge after a difficult legislative session in which he battled with lawmakers over how to spend federal stimulus money.

Asked why his staff said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, Sanford gave two different answers: 1) I have no idea, and 2) Because I told them I was going to hike the Appalachian Trail.

When asked why his staff said he was on the Appalachian Trail, Sanford replied, "I don't know."

Sanford later said "in fairness to his staff," he had told them he might go hiking on the Appalachian Trial.

One thing we know for sure about Sanford is that he hires idiots. His spokesman Joel Sawyer told The State yesterday that Sanford had spoken with his office, and continued to maintain that he was hiking. These are obvious lies—if Sanford checked in, then they would have known he was in Argentina, and if they knew he was in Argentina, then they knew he wasn't hiking—and it was entirely predictable that they would be revealed as such when Sanford returned. You can smell the panic. Did they not think that reporters would be staking out the Atlanta airport?

The State says Sanford returned a day earlier than planned, which would suggest that he had been in contact with his office at some point and been called home. The newspaper also said that he was originally supposed to fly into Columbia, S.C., but arrived in Atlanta after bumping up his return by a day. This is of interest because CNN reported finding his car in the Columbia airport parking lot last night, and a local television station reported finding another of the governor's security-detail SUV's in the Atlanta airport parking lot yesterday.

Why would there be cars at both airports? Given the circumstances, it wouldn't be out of order to speculate wildly: Did the governor's staff plant a car at Columbia's airport to make the Appalachian Trail story appear more likely? After all, it makes little sense that he would drive to Atlanta, about 80 miles from the trail, and then fly to another point on the trail. It does make sense that he would fly from Columbia to Atlanta and then go hiking. So did a panicked staffer, after seeing the report of the governor's car in Atlanta, plant another one in Columbia and leak it to CNN? Who knows.

Sanford also said he was alone on the trip, which no one believes.

His wife doesn't know where he is! She said so to the Associated Press! No, seriously, this is insane and wonderful:

Neither the governor's office nor the State Law Enforcement Division, which provides security for governors, has been able to reach Sanford after he left the mansion in a black SLED Suburban SUV, said Sen. Jake Knotts and three others familiar with the situation but who declined to be identified.

Sanford's last known whereabouts were near Atlanta, where a mobile telephone tower picked up a signal from his phone, authorities said.

Then he turned his phone off, and he has not turned it back on. Atlanta is not actually in the state he governs, btw.

Wife Jenny Sanford told the AP that she is not concerned, and that "he needed time away from their children to write something." To write something! What is going on?

BREAKING UPDATE: Someone knows where he is, someone claims someone else told yet another person. According to a statement from South Carolina, to reporters.

The whereabouts of Gov. Mark Sanford was unknown for nearly four days, and some state leaders question who was in charge of the executive office.

But Sanford's office told the lieutenant governor's office Monday afternoon that Sanford has been reached and he is fine, said Frank Adams, head of Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer's office on aging.

So the governor's office told the lieutenant governor's office that Sanford totally called them, some other guy from the lieutenant governor's office says. So stop all this fussin'!

So, Mark Sanford finally caved and will accept and spend all the stimulus money Barack Obama forced him to give to his state's millions of destitute jobless lazy ne'erdowells. But he won't give a penny to the schools, no sir! What a guy, Sanford. We see great things for him on the national stage, because Americans love asshole southerners who hate kids.

Meanwhile, in France, Barack Obama's intellectual home (his spiritual home is Mecca and his actual home is KENYA WHERE HE WAS SECRETLY BORN), the president of the US convinced French President PePe LePew to accept one (1) prisoner out of the 250 still remaining at Guantanamo. (First he gives the queen an iPod and now this is his idea of a good gift? Get on it, Tapper!) How can any conservatives possibly still bitch about his "closing Guantanamo" plan when he is sending the terrorists to France? We don't have any takers for the rest of the prisoners, sadly. We'd sarcastically suggest sending them to South Carolina, but, like our President, we are against torture.

Now if you'll excuse us for a moment we have to go walk to the corner in this miserable weather to buy a pack of $100 cigarettes. THANKS A LOT BARRY.