Monstrous "crazy ants" from Argentina and Brazil have invaded Texas and the American Southeast, driving out the already awful fire ant and making life even more miserable for those living in the South.

After ejaculating 5 million barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, BP doled out $750 million to state and local governments in a panicked attempt to seem less evil. The states, being dutiful stewards of the environment, directed the money to cleanup and mitigation. Kidding! No, they spent it on the Doobie Brothers…

Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul has released a pleasant ad in which an Obama impersonator signs "Bigger Government" bills and thanks Paul's opponent, Jack Conway, for his support. But the Obama impression? That's some Southern accent, for a Hawaiian nerd.