Most journalists like to at least pretend that they're professionals, but Beck obviously rejects such posturing, for he's already impersonated Gandolf and now, while discussing declining newspaper subscriptions, channeled Kermit the Frog. Miss Piggy will not approve. And, honestly, neither do we.

Who are you, Beck? Can you please act like a human being? Or, at the very least, an adult? Shit, if it were this easy to be a journalist, we'd have a Pulitzer by now.

Instead of, I don't know, calling Barack Obama's wife his "crony"? Or calling newspaper editors drooling idiots (most are, but still)? Or writing any number of things that caused a Norfolk, Va., newspaper to drop her column because the editor got sick of her "mean-spirited rantings"?

Anyway, guess how long it took after Malkin agreed that we should all try to be "classy" when we attack our political opponents until she called a political opponent a "two-bit...hustler"? Two minutes!

Because otherwise you'd have to flirt uncomfortably with Doocy, Brian. And that would just be...awkward.

That is basically what happens in this Fox & Friends clip, though, as always, a simple textual description of the words spoken does not do justice to the fever dream quality of it all. If health care protesters were here to defend themselves they would agree that both sides are being un-American, Gretchen says.

And Brian Kilmeade wants to know if anyone "rented John Adams from HBO." In that film, all the founding fathers do is show up and yell at each other, at town halls! Who can forget the scene where a bunch of old, unemployed commoners crash the Constitutional Convention to shout at Paul Giamatti about how they read in a pamphlet somewhere that the bill of rights will allow their slaves to abort white babies with government money, or something, and besides, JEFFERSON WAS SECRETLY BORN IN FRANCE.

You know, it was just Brian "Reggie" Kilmeade, Gretchen "Big Ethel" Carlson, and Steve "Miss Beazley" Doocy saying that Bill Maher thinks Americans are dumb for liking Sarah Palin. See, Sarah Palin is just like "regular folks" and blah blah blah forever and ever with this awful, annoying party line.

I hate to tell you guys, but you are not regular Americans. Not a single tax-payin' one of you. And these animate honeydew melons want their audience to know that. Though it's all trickery and silliness, because they're not regular Americans either. These rich, New York-dwelling TV toucans are just putting on their lame little show to make money, inadvertently ruining America one gurgling syllable at a time.

Sigh. That said, it's really funny! How Gretchen gets her concerned Issues face. How Steve Doocy chuckles at his own idiocy. How Bri-Bri Kilmickles just plays Short Round's scenes from Temple of Doom over and over in his head on an endless loop. Here's the dumb fatty brain of America, you Saab-driving irregulars! Fear it and love it. Cherish it and destroy it.

For my part, I'll be that dot you see, running into the hills. Receding on the horizon, on and on and on, until I cannot hear their voices anymore.

It wasn't like he said that ethnics and stuff shouldn't interbreed lest they be made impure or anything. Mercy no, nothing like that. It's just that if you're gonna be drinking Red Stripe beer, which Gates supposedly likes, it had better be in Jamaica. Because in America we drinks American beers, like Budweiser and Guinness.

To their credit, both Bri-Bri and Steve "Reason Not to Go Into Room 237" Doocy like Blue Moon, which is a delicious beer. Gretchen remains silent in this clip (though we did learn earlier that her summer vacay was to northern Minnesota. Conferring with her Nordic peoples, no doubt), but you can bet that had she been asked to weigh in on the beer discussion (she never wouldn have, by the way, because only men and ugly women drink beer in Real America), Gretchen would have just nodded her head and done a quiet clog dance.

One more day, my loves. Just one more sweet day. Please make it a good one tomorrow.

"I hadn't heard that," she says about some Madoff thing. Chuckling hyena Steve Doocy points out that, oops, Replacey has just revealed that none of this news is ever reviewed beforehand. They're just making it up as they go along! Everyone in the studio laughed at this because everyone's drunk or stoned or dumb or something and what else can you do when confronted by a steaming pile of idiocy but laugh at it and quietly hope that the world swallows you up forever?

Gretchen, my love. I know you're off in Bermuda being served drinks by scary Uighurs or maybe sunning yourself in sun-splashed, conservative-outpost Orange County, but you need to come back. I miss your thinkin' face and your "Well that's weird" summations of everything you don't understand and therefore don't agree with. Replacement Lady has just dismantled the entire show by proving its stupidity! She's ruining it for everyone! Gretchen, I flashed that ragdoll-shaped signal up into the night sky for a reason. Return to us.

See, they have something against The View because it's full of liberals and run by women with no authoritative man types to loudly talk over them until they sit stupidly in a corner like good old Gretchen does (come back from vacation already, Wetchy! Your little badger swats at logic are sorely missed). Plus they don't respect Republican spokesidiot Elisabeth Hasselbeck, so they're doubly jerks over at that show.

Doocy and Kilmeade also don't like Barack Obama because he's a socialist illegal immigrant who wants to take all your money away. So someone like the Hoff pissing off the View ladies and insulting Obama? Man oh man is that mother's milk to them. Watch them try and fail to stifle childish giggles!

I'm gonna miss you fuckers. I really am.

It would be funny if he said "I love Boner—I mean Bono!", but that doesn't happen. No, instead his buttery day-old Red Lobster biscuit of a face just falls when discussing his beloved fellow Irishman's apparent hypocrisy and doublespeak when it comes to the president formerly known as George W. Bush. See, Bons is all about Bush's AIDS-in-Africa work (he did a lot, actually! but in a kind of creepy Evangelical way!) when in public, but in private... Well, when Dubya tries to hug Bono, Bono will not accept the charges.

This all makes Bri-Bri Kilmickles very sad. Meanwhile Steve Doocy just clucks in his corner like the Neverending Story II creepy bird (look on the right) that he is, and some Replacement Gretchen just mutters stuff.

And it's all done very, very heterosexually.

Of course the apology was vague and lazily set up, coming directly after some segment in which Steve, Brian, and Calamity Jane were discussing Bikinis. Bikinis: Do They Cross the Line? This is important. So following that bit, Kilmeade put his hands together in prayer and offered a sincere apology for suggesting that most of us are filthy mudbloods who are horrible and impure.

We, for one, believe him. After all, he himself is the product of the coupling between a rutabaga and a weathered garden gnome. Or at least sometimes he talks like he is!

Fox & Friends: Crossing the Line Always!

Like, even bigger disasters than Brian Kilmeade and Gretchen "Functional but Not Proficient" Carlson. I don't even know what the hell is going on in this clip. Mostly everyone is just babbling on top of each other and then the creepy replacement Kilmeade starts eating gumbo and the blonde thing's sprockets and wiring start fizzing and popping.

And look at Doocy! He's so miserable. He wishes he was there with his beloved Bri-Bri and Gretchywetchy, hiding behind some bushes and squealing like school girls when they see the first glimpses of Jeb's clumpy mass of a head.

Oh summer vacation. So wonderful, so melancholy.

Yeah, Uncle Glenn sat there, leaning back on the stiff styrofoam-filled couches in his stuffy business casual, talking about some French (French, Glenn? French??) book (book, Glenn? Book??) that he'd just read about how a New World Order or New World Government is being formed right now, and that the world is uniting terribly and that somehow national policy like Cap-and-Trade will hasten its hideous arrival and soon we'll all be whipped chain gang slaves saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos."

Of course the overgrown, brain-addled gerbils sitting across from him ate it up like so much corn-fed, overly-processed, Grade A American hamburger meat, their heads bobbing up and down in witless, echoing assent.

Terrific!

Except, no, it's not. A double entendre is when something kinda means two things at once. In this case, Gretchen, the idea that you're paying $18 million in tax money to start a site so taxpayers can see where their taxes are going might be called Irony, or it could be called Comedy. But not a double entendre.

Here. Let's help you out.

Gretchen Carlson has two giant boobs = Double entendre! Because she has boobs on her body but also there are Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade.

Gretchen Carlson is paid lots of money to do nothing but blather on like an idiot = Not a double entendre! Just a statement of sad fact.

He didn't trust the study because it was done in Finland and Sweden and the Finns and the Swedes stay "pure" by only marrying each other. Whereas in America, everyone marries everyone (so long as they're white and their partner is white. Oh, and straight!) So therefore the study doesn't mean anything.

Suddenly the clouds parted and a thin ray of sunshine shone down on the pesky corn nut that is Gretchen Carlson—descendant of some Nordic "species", for sure—and she ably, if simply, mocked crazy dumb Kilmeade for being crazy and dumb and possibly suffering from dementia.

It was a fine moment of morning television. Incidentally, after discussing this execrable show with my sister over seltzers at a picnic table in Rhode Island this weekend, she called me this morning and said "I tried watching Fox & Friends. I couldn't even get through five minutes. How can you possibly watch this every day?" And then I told her that I don't, that there are lovely video people who watch it for me and I cackled into the phone.

So, in short, thanks guys!

Gretchywetchy and Bri-Bri get kudos for not going for easy gay panic, and Doocy gets points off for doing just that. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what it was when he looked at the camera and said "Not a good influence...", in response to Bruno taking gay-ish pictures with a high school football team. Yes, because the faux gay will come off of Bruno and stick to the football players, thus ruining poor unsuspecting hetero jocks forever.

How Steve Doocy gets from "let's make jokes about your mic" to "Do you use Botox?" is a mystery that could only be solved by actually watching the whole show, so feh to that. Instead I'll just assume the best: the three hosts of Fox & Friends are just floating wisps of teeth and cat dander that just bounce into words and repeat them aloud, never knowing their meaning.

We could do this every day. Actually, we already practically do. So, I think I'm going to try to do a Fox & Friends clip every day until I leave. Because they're funny and ridiculous!

Last week, a clip surfaced of a Cleveland local news outfit that hilariously used a cardboard cutout bear in a story about a real bear. This morning, the Fox & Friends embarked on a discussion about journalism ethics.

Haha, not really. Everyone on set—Grethcy-wetchy, Bri-Bri, Doocy—just got befuddled and ruminative. What is the best way to do a fake bear shot? You probably use a sports mascot. You also don't make a bear "gallop," because bears don't gallop.

Eventually Gretchen just crept into her crawlspace again and Brian started quietly singing old Linda Ronstadt songs to himself and Doocy went to go meet a bear or wander around in the lobby aimlessly for hours on end, his brain clicking and whirring, clicking and whirring, forever. Like a broken record player needle just trying to find its groove.

I love these crazy kids!