It's in Murray Hill (hills! the world is full of amazing connections!), whose state flower is the blue button-up shirt and official drink is the Totally Fucked Up, Man slinger. As Heidi is exactly as sexy as an unclothed Barbie doll, expect lots of hot girls and cool-as-Spencer dudes to frequent the joint. [W]

• Paris Hilton either added implants to "her A-cup" breasts or wants to spread gossip that she did so she can sell her stupid "push-up" bra. (Yes, you can click the thumb if you need a closer look. Yes, you will feel dirty. But don't you kinda feel that way already?) [P6]
• Graydon Carter's wife Anna gave birth to a baby girl, Isabella Rose Carter, who can already get better reservations and invitations than you. [P6]
• Oppressive Hollywood people will not let Danny Glover make a movie funded by beacon of tolerance Hugo Chavez. [P6]
• Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda will receive money otherwise destined to the actors who completed Heath Ledger's turn in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell are all donating their proceeds from the movie. [Fox]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt plan to marry on live TV and also wrest the Hills from Lauren Conrad.

• Charlie Sheen is sorry to black people for calling his ex-wife Denise Richards a "f—king n—--r." He's especially sorry to "Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Ha! Richards, with whom Sheen has been bitterly feuding, doesn't get an apology, and can presumably just "f—king" deal. [Us]
• Yesterday, everyone was worried fashiongay Andre Leon Talley would ruin Michelle Obama by putting her in a bolero jacket or some other atrocious thing. He hasn't done that yet. Instead, the Vogue editor-at-large introduced the would-be first lady at a fashion-industry fundraiser while he was wearing "a kind of turban that recalled the much-discussed costume [Barack Obama] once wore in Somalia." No one should have a problem with Obama hanging out with what looks like a gay muslim, even an elitist gay fashion muslim in New York, so obviously no one, anywhere, will. [R&M]
• Not only did Anne Hathaway break up with her scuzzy Italian boyfriend, she also moved out. Yay! But what's this business about dinner at Cipriani? [P6]
• Relentlessly cranky novelist Tom Wolfe demanded to know why a developer insinuated he was anti-Semitic. OK, this time he might have a legitimate reason to be cranky. [P6]
• Broadway and former TV star Mario Lopez is being named People's "Hottest Bachelor," but he's still totally getting evicted from his Broadway theater to make way for Katie Holmes. The guy's biceps can't catch a break.
• Supposedly Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt just bought a $10,000 stash of guns, including "two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle." Suddenly, I'm kind of interested in seeing them in front of some reality television cameras again. Near other reality television stars. While drunk and angry. [The Superficial]
• So sad: Freeloading music critics get free drinks, but no free food, at a listening party. They stormed out in a huff, logically. [P6]
• The mother of 50 Cent's 11-year-old son claims the rapper burned down her Long Island mansion. He claims she totally monitors his cell-phone conversations with the son. Call it a draw? [R&M]

You tell them that no hot club in L.A. is going to let two dudes in—let alone four or five—so you need to rotate trips to L.A. unless you don't mind partying at the non-exclusive clubs. Or tell them that they need to come with cash to offer the promoter or door person. If I was bouncing the door at a hot spot, five dudes would cost at least $500 dollars.

Uh, hey Spencer: if you were bouncing the door, people would just walk in for free with a hard glare.

They won over Min when she saw Speidi-related web traffic rise and rise. "That's when I thought, 'You know what? Let's just take a risk on these people,'" she says. And it's done wonders for Us. Janice must love them! And they love her too:

"Janice Min at Us Weekly is like a family member to us," Spencer said. "We love her. If my mom and her are e-mailing me at the same time, I'm like, 'Uh, Janice or my mom?' "

And the couple just keeps dreaming bigger and bigger. Heidi would like to keep pursuing her music, hoping to be "as big as Britney Spears and Madonna" one day. Spencer just wants to make money and be famous and maybe have his own reality show. And they both feel they deserve it. After all, what they do is hard work. Sort of:

"No celebrity does anything, really," Spencer said. "Unless you're a famous athlete who actually physically does something, like, how much work is reading lines from a script? We're improv TV personalities. That's way harder."

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: "We're entertainers" [LAT]

At the 4/30 after party for film "Harold" that premiered at Tribeca.. spoke with Rachel Dratch. So friendly. Cuter in person but still gargoyle like. She misses SNL and when I suggested she go back and host she said "Please tell Lorne that"

met Nikki Blonski, super nice. Very chubby and very short. She sat in a corner booth with her friends from home. When she introduced herself to Heidi Montag...Heidi had no idea who she was. Embarrassing.

Spencer Breslin- so short and so cute

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, ew ew ew. Heidi had awful skin covered up by pounds of foundation. The blond and overly tan couple looked ridiculously out of place. Spencer literally shooed away reporters and at one point had a PR rep ask some girls to stop starring at Heidi and they were told to go to another part of the club. The audacity! Since Spencer and Heidi hate people looking at them?! Note: They did not even see the film Harold! Pathetic.

Ally Sheedy- She has not aged well. Her body is tiny and very muscular but her face has some serious wrinkles.

Later that night at the Waverly.... Valentino, Maroon 5, Leonardo DiCaprio, John Leguizamo- Much shorter than I had thought! All in all a good night.

Send your sightings to stalker@gawker.com.

• Testifying against her alleged stalker, Uma Thurman's dad said the man emailed him a few times about the study-abroad program at Columbia, where the dad is a professor. He had no clue the guy was a stalker, or even knew who his daughter was. Then one day the alleged stalker wrote: "Today the center of my forehead is ticking now and then. I feel in love with your daughter Uma." And later: "Apparently hoping it would be forwarded to the actress.... 'Work on that accent for our wedding night. Pretty please.'"
• Charlie Sheen resumed seeing hookers at least until last year, including while he was in rehab, using fake doctor's appointments, according to a former Los Angeles madam. Sheen's rep said "this is an old, old, old story," as though that's not the point. [P6]
• Rosie O'Donnell on Miley Cyrus' Vanity Fair shoot: "Leave Miley Cyrus alone... Listen, Annie Leibovitz – I had two photo shoots with her... You kind of do what she says. It's intimidating. I also didn't think it was a pornographic photo in any capacity. I thought it was sort of a beautiful portrait." [People]
• Spencer Pratt on Miley Cyrus' Vanity Fair shoot: "I didn’t think it was that bad. Supposedly, she’s wearing a top underneath. It’s artistic." [Us]
• Jennifer Lopez's reality show will involve her stupid new perfume, and not the fortified wing of her house she and her Scientologist friends designed for her twins. Great, I just signed up for TLC, and now I have to cancel. [People]
• Rehabbed actress Kirsten Dunst is supposedly taking co-star Ryan Gosling to 12-step meetings. [P6]
• Singer Mariah Carey is engaged to rapper Nick Cannon. The ring is 17 carats and cost $2.5 million. Tasteful. [P6]

...they managed to snag a last-minute seat at Fortune magazine's table.

And, of course, the fame-hungry duo from MTV's The Hills spent the night snaking their way through the DC after-parties. They hit the Bloomberg LP soirée at the embassy of Costa Rica, which was such a disaster, half the invitees couldn't get in.

Fortune? Bloomberg LP? Wait, neither of you is talking to Rupert Murdoch's Fox Business or Wall Street Journal, right? Please tell me I'm right.

[Page Six]

I just saw Speidi outside the Sony building on Madison and 55th. They had clearly tipped off the dozen + paparazzi to their own arrival as the photogs usually are not hanging around in midtown. Spencer was wearing a suit in a desperate attempt to blend in with the other productive members of society but Heidi was wearing a purple minidress, aqua heels, and leather jacket channeling Julia Robert in Pretty Woman, pre-makeover.

Send your Manhattan sightings to stalker@gawker.com and include the a/s/l time/date/loc so we can map it.

• Game over, Scientology wins, they have Pete Doherty and Sumner Redstone. Viacom chairman Redstone hasn't actually converted but did have lunch with Scientology bigshot Tom Cruise, probably canceling in his area a personal and business rift with the actor and paving the way for more sweet Mission Impossible money. Doherty has been reading up on the religion and shacking up with a Scientologist DJ who probably hasn't yet mentioned the religion's stance on psychoactive drugs.
• Accidental gay porno fan (and singer) John Mayer posted a long rambly blog "about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog... who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man." Then, mercifully, "I'm going quiet now." [JohnMayer.com]
• Star overlord Bonnie Fuller said singer Britney Spears' parents are "pimps" who treat their daughters like "cash registers" and "bank machines." To back this up, the American Media editorial director has both an anonymous quote and a book-plugging psychiatrist. Air. Tight. [HuffPo]
• There's talk of a Hills movie. Well, of course there is. The question is, have they stockpiled enough stares. [MTV]
• Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt "work on their relationship" by going to Vegas and staying in different rooms, in different hotels and barely talking. Actually, that is seriously a dream vacation for some couples. [People]
• Atress Lindsay Lohan will play a member of the Manson family. [E! Online]
• She's supposedly jetting off to rehab soon, but singer Amy Winehouse still can't manage to get to the jail on time to visit her husband. [Sun]

• Singer Britney Spears, said to be worth around $50 million, has become steadily more sane since her father was placed in control of her finances and other affairs several weeks ago. She parted ways with hanger-on ex-paparazzo Adnan Ghalib and earned the right to see her children more often. Apparently her father is compensated at $2,500 per week for his oversight, and the many tabloids that make money off Spears insanity are incredulous. So is comedian Rosie O'Donnell, who wrote in her Web Q&A forum that Spears' dad's high pay has become "the problem." Apparently these people have never priced rehab, or done some simple math on the scale of Spears' image problem.
• Singer John Mayer wrote the sweetest song while at the airport. It starts, "Dear Ex Lover, Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you." It just gets even more tender from there, if you can imagine that. [Mayer blog via Perez]
• Jerry Seinfeld's pitch for his new network show: "Just like Curb Your Enthusiasm, but with Jerry, instead of Larry [David]." Curb Your Enthusiasm, of course, was like a slightly more improvised version of Seinfeld, but with Larry David instead of Jerry Seinfeld. Just admit you want your old show back, Jerry. [P6]
• American Idol Season One star Nikki McKibbin had a Feb. 21 breakdown in the wake of weak album sales, her mother's August death and abuse of migraine medicine. [Star]
• Posh Spice at last gets her Vogue cover, but notice only after the Spice Girls finally promised to finally just stop existing.
• Irish actor Colin Farrell told off by boyfriend of model Meghan Lowther at the Rose Bar in Gramercy Park Hotel. "You tried. Now get out of here." [P6]
• Sad: Harvey Weinstein wants a meeting with novelist Linda Fairstein, so she makes swanky reservations at a Midtown restaurant and alets the maitre d' about exactly who is coming. Turns out, it is Harvey Weinstein all right — the "octogenarian tuxedo manufacturer" who just loves her books. [P6]
• Another girl got between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "the Hills." Shocker! [Us]
• Kelly Rowan of "The O.C." is being kept hidden away by a reclusive Canadian billionaire, who doesn't like media attention. If you read between the lines in this item, it's like she's sending coded messages just begging some brave paparazzo to come rescue her. [P6]
• Actor Will Smith is hosting world icon Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday party in London. [Sun]
• Actor Patrick Swayze maybe not really going back to work, because he dropped out of a gay role in this one comedy flick. [OK!]
• Actress Natalie Portman on Hillary Clinton: "A lot of the stuff people say about her, I hear it and my stomach falls because it's so sexist... You ask people why they don't like her and it's because her husband cheated on her! That was obviously not her choice." [Us]

Hortense's new line beats the original, Young Explorer Couple Returns From Arctic, Moon.

TedSez's new line beat out the original, Dopey Couple Attends Junior Prom, Becomes Wildly Famous.

"Welcome to the world of professional paper-writing, the dirty secret of the tutoring business," wrote aspiring L.A. singer-songwriter Nicole Kristal. "It's facilitated by avaricious agencies, perpetuated by accountability-free parents and made possible by self-loathing nerds like me. For three-hour workdays, the ability to sleep in and the opportunity to get paid to learn, I tackled subjects like Dostoevsky while spoiled jerks smoked pot, took naps, surfed the Internet and had sex." Was one of those spoiled jerks Prince of Malibu Spencer Pratt? Well ...

Six months into the job, my boss sent me on a problem-solving mission for $10 more per hour than I was already making. He had earned C's and D's on papers for Evan (not his real name), a USC freshman my boss described as a "typical surfer retard." Evan's parents had hired "tutors" to compose their son's papers since he was 12 because he "wasn't going to be a writer anyway." They were furious.

In Evan's penthouse, surfers carved across the screen of his 51-inch television, next to a poster of "Scarface." The former clothes model handed me his assignment: to describe utopia. "I couldn't ask for a better life. I mean, was my soccer coach," Evan said, naming a famous studio head.

Despite living in utopia, during the session Evan purchased an ounce of weed and a bag of Xanax. His WASPy girlfriend washed down a pill with some Smart Water and offered me one. I declined. Evan sent me home with his $3,000 PowerBook to write his paper because he was "too busy" to work. Before I left, his girlfriend hired me to write her paper on "Do the Right Thing." I drove home at midnight, once again missing my chance to hit the music scene and battle my stage fright.

No matter. After I scored an A on Evan's paper, he promised to pass my demo on to a legendary music producer—a family friend. He also promised a few leftover pairs of designer jeans. He never mentioned either again, and I knew I'd been played. The only help Evan offered came in the form of new clients, such as his roommate, who had one-night stands with strippers and said things like "Why should I care about some little black girl?" in regard to Toni Morrison novels.

When my streak of A's ended after I scored a B-minus on Evan's paper about clanship in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," I never heard from him again. His teenage sibling, for whom I composed countless high-school English papers, revealed that Evan had replaced me with a classmate.

She SHOULDN'T date him, he's a major butt, right?!? Also, they finally let the fat girl talk and they gave her a name, but I forgot it, because, come on, fat girl, right? Also, also, Lauren got flashed by Lo's vag and was all Brody, I saw Lo's Britney! Which is so funny, because, like, Britney Spears also has a vagina that she is always flashing? I Anyway, back in L.A.? It's Spencer and Heidi's anniversary? And Heidi tells the old dude at Bolthouse that she can't cover some event because her anniversary is that much more important, even though it's with Spencer who is a major dick and still won't tell his parents that they're engaged? And old dude is all, Fine, whatever, just make sure someone covers it? And Heidi's like, No problem? So she goes to Elodie—who she TOTALLY SCREWED OVER BEFORE—and is all, Hey, I really need you to cover this for me? And Elodie smiles and is like, Oh, sure, anything for you. Except what we know but Heidi doesn't even though this show is TOTALLY SCRIPTED, is that Elodie already made plans to quit her job? So Heidi's at dinner with Spencer and the phone rings and someone's all, You need to get down here now? And Heidi's like, but Elodie's covering it, and whoever's on the other end is all, Nuh uh, Elodie quit? And we're like, Hahahah, that's what you get, you job-stealing bitch!?!?!?! So Heidi is fully, I have to go to work? And Spencer acts like the big gay baby he is? How does Heidi not see what a stupid mean jerk Spencer can be?!?!?!?!?!?! It, was, like, so, satisfying, oh, my, God, you, guys!?!? Also? This is the last "The Hills" I will ever have to watch?!???!? And it sort of makes me sad, because when I watch "The Hills" I forget about war and poverty and basic math? And I, like, don't want to go back to caring about stuff or knowing the name of the President or reading books? But I guess I have to? Because you can't go through life being an Audrina (Audrina=retard) if you're not on a scripted reality show for MTV? I guess??!?!?!?!?!? Anyway, I'll miss you, "Hills." We'll always have that time where that one girl said that really stupid thing and everyone was all, What? I'll never forget it.

Spencer: Lauren is the show's Goody Two-shoes. Heidi is portrayed as the wild, goofy friend who is going through all these experiences that they can't have Lauren go through because she is the sweet, innocent character. But sometimes she's the craziest one of us all.

It's like I was the good girl on the show until I fell in love with Spencer, and then I became the bad girl. But they don't show the footage of how Lauren was sort of obsessed with Spencer, or how she called my mom in Colorado and told her I was involved in an abusive relationship, or how she would scream at me in the middle of the club if I wanted to leave at 2 a.m. to go see Spencer. I spent a lot of time with her during her breakup with Jason. I was there for her every day and night when she cried, and I have been there for her through some horrible things you never saw on-camera. No matter how much time I spent with her, it was never enough. Lauren always wants to have a friend around... The minute I started not hanging out with her as much because I wanted to spend more time with Spencer, she got really upset. It hurt me that she could turn off our friendship so quickly just because she wasn't happy with my boyfriend. I made so many attempts to make Lauren happy, but you don't see that on the show.

All I know is that once Lauren was out of our relationship, it became flawless. It was like I had this girlfriend who had this friend whose goal it was to break us up. Lauren's not dumb, and she knows how to get what she wants. She's got a really strong team of people around her; she knows how to work it.

Heidi Uncensored [CosmoGirl, not online]