Bad news, unborn British children: you might be staying unborn forever. Sperm banks in the United Kingdom are reporting that there have been markedly fewer donations to sperm banks since donors' right to anonymity was taken away in in 2005.

Important new research proves that drinking lots and lots of wine every week makes men have "stronger sperm." This means the sperm is more likely to reach its "goal," which is some part of a lady, if the sperm was ejaculated in the general direction of a lady.

Dye worm! Old DNA! Shark stomach! Quantum holes! Alien water! Cat chat! Lib psyche! And d-d-d-d-designer stuff, man! It's your weekly Science Watch, where we watch science— with a certain je nais se kwa!

If you've been trying and failing to get pregnant by a French man (looking at you, Halle), don't worry – it's not you, it's him. According to a study in the appropriately named journal, Human Reproduction, the average sperm count of French men has dropped 32.3% since 1989, or 1.9% a year.

We weren't the only ones simultaneously grossed out by and fascinated with human DNA factory Trent Arsenault—the prolific DIY sperm donor who happens to be a prolific amateur porn star. He's going to be on Anderson Cooper's daytime talk show tomorrow, where he'll admit to being a 36-year-old virgin with more than a…

If being a weirdo is a heritable trait, Trent Arsenault is making the world a much stranger place. He's a self-fashioned "free sperm donor," bestowing his super-powerful seed on needy couples. But the FDA wants to shut him down.

The Sperm Bike is a 120-pound, 10-foot bicycle rigged with a sperm-shaped tank of liquid nitrogen and—on business days—vials of human sperm ("pre-babies"). Based on a model used in Copenhagen, Seattle's sperm bike transports its cargo from the Seattle Sperm Bank to fertility clinics. Even though it's motorized, it's…

Here's Magen, a pastor's wife, up on the Family Feud, answering a question about "things you put in your mouth but don't swallow" with the word, "sperm." A pastor's wife! Saying that word! On the television, which kids sometimes watch. The end of our depraved species is nigh.

Cryos International, the world's largest sperm bank, is working to reinforce the old, "no one likes a ginger-hair" joke. According to Ole Schou, the director of the bank, the demand for redheaded babies is "low in relation to demand" and as a result, the bank is now turning away donors. Keep your sperm, ginger devils!

Fish lead! Sperm coats! Bald hair! Tall cancer! Dissolving tobacco! Tortoise leg! Calorie counts! Lung damage! And the fatalistic approach to our own mortality! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your heath—soberly!

Police in southern Sweden have a new tool for fighting sex crimes — a dog named Rapports Opus that is trained to sniff out sperm at crime scenes. According to English-language newspaper The Local, police in the town of Karlskrona have arrested a 23-year-old man and charged him with rape after Rapports Opus was brought…

When it comes to fertility, the only part of a man's nether region that matters is the part nobody ever bothered to measure: the taint. Scientists at the University of Rochester Medical Center have found that the "anogenital distance"—the distance between a man's scrotum and anus—correlates with male fertility. The…

Scientists have been trying to grow sperm in a test tube for over 100 years, and now they've done it. Researchers in Japan "have made fertile mammalian sperm in a culture dish," reports Nature. The scientists took fragments of mouse testes and coaxed sperm to grow from them in a petri dish; then they injected the…

A lady in New Mexico received a yogurt sample from her local grocer. She recognized the flavor: semen. She spat the yogurt out and called the cops. Forensic evidence later revealed sperm cells in the lady's yogurt.

A Manhattan woman wants a Connecticut court to let a New Jersey doctor harvest the sperm from her husband's body after he committed suicide so a family friend can have his baby. This is real life, not a soap opera.

Two British men today face sentencing for running an illegal DIY online sperm bank out of a home basement, after a woman filed a complaint over receiving a supposedly anonymous donors full name along with a syringe of his sperm.

Healthy bullets! Healthy gay blood! Healthy weed! Healthy ticks! Healthy yoga! Healthy ketamine! Healthy magazines! And completely unhealthy sperm of the deceased! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but not that closely, that's gross!

Want to get knocked up by a blond Frankenstein who thinks everything in life is attributable to genetics? All you have to do is pay off his college debt! This Craigslist user will provide you with his "A+" manseed if you relieve him of his responsibility to pay for the education he's received. Just what is "A+" sperm?…

Next time you need a little quick cash to incentivize the lightly-scrupled internist who provides your medically unnecessary Adderall prescription, think twice before heading down to your local sperm bank. You may be reduced to chewing coffee beans to get through your day when the kid you didn't know you fathered…