Golf's No. 1-ranked player and the world's top-earning athlete guarantees the biggest crowds and highest ratings. For TV executives, his absence will be hard to ignore - 40 percent of golf watchers actually turn off the television when Tiger's not playing, studies have shown.

Hmm, a mere 40% drop. Even the Golf Channel, with its hardcore fans, sees a 30% drop without Tiger. Over the last five years, tournaments without Tiger have seen 30% lower ratings that those with him—a difference of 2 million viewers per. Among the companies screwed the most: Buick and Deutsche Bank, both of whom had big ad campaigns tied into Tiger.

Tiger Woods himself: just chilling for a few months with his supermodel wife and mansions.

[NYP, NYT]

Chris Coleson of Richmond, VA ate mostly McDonalds' salads and wraps for six months to drop his gut.

Mr. Coleson has not spoken with the fast feeder but said that people on the street ask him if he was inspired by Subway pitchman Mr. Fogle. (He's become something of a local celebrity after a couple of newspaper articles, including a front-page profile in the Richmond-Times Dispatch.) He said the idea was born out of his wife's skepticism at his ability to lose weight.

"I told her I could lose weight eating anywhere," he said. "I told her I could do it eating at McDonald's."

But!

Far from signing him as its next spokesman, McDonald's avoided attaching importance to Mr. Coleson's accomplishment. "There have been numerous success stories like this one, where consumers elected to follow a responsible diet with adequate exercise and incorporated McDonald's food in a very positive way," said McDonald's USA spokeswoman Danya Proud. "We continue to work on helping people understand how to strike the right balance between diet and physical activity."

Dr. Christine Gerbstadt, a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association, called Mr. Coleson's plan of 1,200 to 1,400 calories per day a "starvation diet."

Ridiculous. So what if it is a starvation diet? That shouldn't dissuade the company from sending Coleson a fat check and sticking him in a couple of commercials. How many other huge weight losers who eat exclusively at your restaurant do you think are going to come along, McD's? Smarten up!

We really don't need another Jared, though. GOD.

[Ad Age, pic via InRich.com]

SchwartzBing's latest book is called Executricks: How to Retire While You're Still Working. His five key points:

* Delegation: the art of making other people do what you don't want to;

* Absence: the establishments of zones in which one is working and not working at the same time;

* Abuse of status: formerly the realm of senior officers, now available to everyone with creativity and even a modest amount of plastic;

* The appearance of decisiveness, even when confused - the decision-making process is the single greatest eater of retirement time and must be telescoped;

* Intense Engagement when required. Short, intense bursts of actual work are sometimes necessary and must be managed with aplomb.

SchwartzBing is having a contest now looking for slacking suggestions. Best one wins a free lunch with him. Please enter, win, and send a full report.

(Gil: Don't forget to also think up excuses for Katie Couric, though.)

[HuffPo, PRNewser, Bloomberg TV. Pic via WP]

—Any gain in body fat of more than 5% will result in this contract being void.

—Trips to fast food outlets in excess of one per week will result in this contract being void.

—Publicized drug use will result in this contract being void.

—Photos showing spokesperson driving with kids not restrained by child safety seats will result in this contract being void.

—The release of a new album that sucks will result in this contract being void.

—On stage performances featuring a zombified spokesperson who is clearly too drugged out of her mind to perform the necessary dance moves will result in this contract being void.

—The spokesperson's inevitable regression towards her natural body composition will result in this contract being void.

—Discovery that our spokesperson is in fact Britney Spears, a danger to herself and others, will result in this contract being void.

—How about we just give you two free personal trainers and reap the free publicity instead?

(Confidential to Britney: These people don't care about your health. Drop them immediately in favor of this:)

Cajun,

I know in the the past you've written about Apple and Microsoft and the way that they market themselves, so I thought that you might find this interesting.

A few nights ago, I participated in a focus group. Though the company conducting the focus group wasn't revealed to us, it was obvious that it was Microsoft because all of the marketing material that we were presented with dealt with, well, MICROSOFT. What became apparent to all 8 of us in the group was that Microsoft was in the midst of preparing an advertising campaign that would make it appear that its software and the PCs that run them are a younger, hipper product. They showed us a number of sample ads that seemed to emphasize global community, peace, love, happiness and environmentalism, etc., and how Microsoft products can bring the world together and make it better place. All of us in the group were struck by how Apple-like the ads were. Some even expressed thoughts that they appeared to be straight rip-offs.

But what struck me as the funniest thing out of all of this was that it appears as though Johnny Knoxville might be their answer to Justin Long. We were shown some marketing material featuring Knoxville, including one commercial in which he falls and drops his PC in Jackass type stunt, but then a "don't worry about losing your data if your computer becomes destroyed because you're a jackass because the new Windows automatically backs up to files for you" message was delivered.

I thought you might find it interesting. And please don't use my name if you mention anything about this on my blog because they made us sign confidentiality agreements.

Cheers,
[Redacted]

As explained in this email blast sent to Defamer HQ, the rationale for the campaign is as follows: "We've all done things that in hindsight, we should have known better about. Celebrities, more than anyone, wish they could make their bloopers and blunders disappear. Well, two high-profile names are now fessing up to their mistakes! Gary Coleman and Dustin Diamond now know better and are admitting their faux-pas to the world in online video confessionals." Um, okay? Other than the fact that this graf contains the phrase "now know better" (the new slogan for I.C.B.I.N.B), we still don't know what any of this has to do with butter-substitute. While we understood and applauded your casting of Fabio as your former pitchman (even to this day, he remains the gold standard and go-to-guy when you want to visually represent the abstract concept of escapist housewife fantasies), it's hard to think of a worse pitchman for a product that is primarily sold to weight-conscious women than a scat-obsessed misogynist. Next time, why not just hire O.J. Simpson and Scott Peterson and call it a day?

• Dustin Diamond confesses & admits that Now He Knows Better! [YouTube]