• Whatever you do, don't make any sushi jokes around Jeremy Piven — he's sort of sensitive to them. Chris Kattan found this out backstage at a taping of Alexa Chung's MTV series. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• British actor/sissy-boy Robert Pattinson is so afraid of New York women that he's spending his idle time hanging out in bars in Long Island City, just to avoid being recognized by girls in Manhattan. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson has finally been laid to rest at a cemetery in the Hollywood Hills, but the Jackson family is refusing to make the exact location public out of fear that someone might try to steal his body or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Bethenny Frankel hates Gwyneth Paltrow, so much so that she said Gwyneth makes her want to staple her eyelids shut. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Madonna's fetus fuck-toy, Jesus Luz, has decided that he's tired of modeling and is stretching his wings to try to become a prefessional DJ. This sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kyra Sedgwick says that being ripped off by Bernie Madoff has forced she and Kevin Bacon to embrace the "simpler things" in life. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Mariah Carey, feeling pressured by Whitney Houston's new release, is said to be feeling enormous anxiety about finishing up her new album. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well here's something different: Terri Irwin issued a denial that Steve Irwin's remains were fed to a crocodile in Australia after his death. [Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham looked ridiculously skeletal when she showed up for her debut as a judge on American Idol. She was also criticized by the show's staff for being wooden and too nice. [Daily Mail]

Susan Sarandon, Dolphin Attack!
You can't make this shit up: while vacationing with writer/LSD aficionado Timothy Leary in the 1970's, the Academy Award-winning actress was "nearly killed" by a jealous female dolphin. The dreaded sea mammal took a bite out of her wrist and then "tower[ed] over me on its rear fins. She seemed to be 12 feet tall, emitting this loud, high-pitched noise. The attendants were screaming, 'We've got to get you out!' I was afraid I was going to get my other arm broken."

Fabio Meets a Bird
The hunky romance novel cover model was riding a rollercoaster and was attacked in the nose by an angry goose or something. While it's unclear, really, whether the bird noticed his massive, ham-like idiocy and decided to kamikaze or if Fabio just blundered into it as he has every other aspect of his life, the fact remains that Fabio once met a bird at Colonial Williamsburg. And though it died, the bird won.

A Tiger Shows Roy That He's a Fucking Tiger
Siegfried and Roy were magical gay animal tamers who did a show in Vegas involving our gayest predator cat, the white tiger. Mostly the beasts went along with the act, jumping through hoops and playing the hurdy gurdy and whatnot. Until one day, nature fought back. Roy Horn was mauled by a tiger who was new to the show, much like Nomi throws Gina Gershon down the stairs in Showgirls. After many surgeries, they managed to reattach Roy's face and the tiger was not euthanized. Reportedly, on the way to the hospital, Horn pleaded "don't harm the cat." Good on him! Apparently, during his extensive surgeries, a quarter of his skull was removed and placed in a pouch in his abdomen for later use. Blergh.

Crikey.
Steve Irwin was an Australian fellow who liked to poke at dangerous animals and then run away. He operated under the banner of environmentalism, which I'm sure was true in part, but mostly he just brazenly cheated death until it caught up with him. Two years ago, Irwin was swimming in the water off of Australia when a stingray's barb went through his chest, killing him instantly. Tragedy for sure, but even bigger a tragedy is that his wife Terri has continued in the dangerous animal game, selling her wicked little leprechaun of a daughter off to the animal wranglers, who make her rap and sing songs and talk endlessly about her dead father.

Ryan Seacrest's Gay Shark Attack
Clearly mistaken for some sort of jewel-encrusted seahorse, Dick Clark impersonator Seacrest was nibbled on by a shark over the weekend. Though state and federal agencies, including the FBI, DEA, ATF, CIA, NSA and BET, are on the hunt for the creature, speculation that it was simply Dunkleman wearing a snorkeling hose has not yet been disproven.

The Littlest Terror: Puffins
Gordon Ramsay took time from his busy pants dropping bellowing schedule to try to cook and eat a puffin and the little critter fought back. He was filming a show in Iceland and climbing down a rock face trying to nab the tiny bird. The bird promptly bit him on the nose and Ramsay went tumbling into the icy waters. He was able to save himself, much to the chagrin of the sous chef he's got locked in his sex dungeon.

Also, I just know there's a celebrity who got bitten in the face by a dog, but I can't remember who. Not Tina Fey. Who issss it?

Questions Swirl Around Saddam's Hanging [CBS]
Despite Misgivings, White House Says Little Against Hanging [NYT]
Steve Irwin death film handed back to widow [Times]

We've already noted the video talents of Columbia undergrads, but it looks like the business school douchewaffles want to get in on the act, too. Again with the homoeroticism—this time, with a Steve Irwin-lookalike for her pleasure.

Crocodile Hunter [YouTube via DealBreaker]
Earlier: Columbia U. Soap Opera: Best Lesbian Amateur Porn on 116th Street

• The Crock Hunter [The Wow Report]