Vladimir Putin is a man. He has budding friendships with famous actors Gérard Depardieu and Mickey Rourke—and a deep bond with action hero Steven Seagal. Seagal took to the stage at a pro-Russian concert in Crimea, not long ago. Rest assured, when sanctions fail, the West will hit Putin here, where it hurts most.

Steven Seagal, martial-arts movie star and savior of Grecian Formula's investor dividend, loves animals, the Dalai Lama and rounding up dirty eye-legals with Arizona's orneriest cop. Which means maybe Seagal was born to audition for this new role: Republican successor to Gov. Jan Brewer.

In a weird way, this makes perfect sense: legendary sex-slaving, tank-driving action star Steven Seagal and Russian president/famed shirtless athlete Vladimir Putin had lunch today before watching a judo competition together in Russia. What seems like a one-time meeting of similar minds is actually just the latest…

Arizona, which we are still not convinced isn't a hoax, is the home of not one but two of our nation's finest lawmen: Squat fascist Sheriff Joe Arpaio and sex slaver Steven Seagal, who is starring in a reality TV show where he... is a policeman, sort of. Well! Now they are both getting sued for killing a puppy.

A man in Maricopa County, Arizona, was suspected of cockfighting, and infamous self-promoter Sheriff Joe Arpaio wanted him arrested. Usually you would just get a search warrant and arrest this person, peacefully, if there was enough evidence.

Steven Seagal: Lawman is back! And it's still basically Cops with a celebrity guest. Fresh off handing a homeless man $20, Seagal philosophized about his job and warrior mentality. Then, he sliced some bamboo with a sword! Video inside.

It's so cute when action stars, who were popular a decade ago, make a multi-cultural-themed album that sounds like it should have come out when they were last relevant, but was in fact released mid-2005.

Yup, it's been decided. You're next, Europe. Elsewhere this weekend, some old has-beens fared pretty well, people just kept on taking stuff, and a romantic comedy turned out to be something else altogether.

Grindhouse director Robert Rodriguez apparently put together an early trailer for star-studded Mexploitation film Machete as a "Cinco de Mayo message for Arizona," featuring the likes of Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, and Danny Trejo fighting violently to protect illegal immigrants from racist politicians.

Kate Hudson was spotted at Coachella with weirdo British rocker Thom Yorke. Bret Michaels lives. Eating a burger is physically impossible for Heidi Montag. Kate's babies get cleared by the Department of Labor. Sunday's gossip roundup is a creep.

Charlie Sheen was just like, "Screw it, I'm moving in with my hooker." Lindsay Lohan is no longer marketable. Britney Spears' nipples cause consternation. Jon Gosselin would like to sell you a car. Saturday's Gossip roundup is learning the ropes.

He was only using her for her fame. Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt have a flirt-off. Ashton and Demi party with New York's Foursquare fanatics. Sandra Bullock pulls a Tiger Woods. Tuesday's gossip roundup checks in and out.

But he does, according to a former "executive assistant." Kayden Nguyen has sued Seagal for more than $1 million, claiming that he sexually assaulted her. Oh, and also that he hired two young Russian to be his sex slaves.

Today at Gawker.TV, Stephen Colbert gets a spot on the Olympic team, Simon Cowell seems to have gone soft, the premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras, Steven Seagal's still patrolling the roads for crime, and Bear Grylls hijacks an oncoming train.

You can say Steven Seagal is a bad cop. You can say he's fat. You can even say he's boring. But DO NOT say he isn't a totally badass martial artist. Because he SO is.