The biggest disasters always build up slowly. Here is what history indicates is looming around the corner for us.

The worst thing you can do is to PANIC. So if you are the sort of person prone to PANIC, do NOT read the following facts.

In the history of the modern American stock market, the chance of an extreme one-day crash is about 1% in any give six month period. So why is everyone constantly terrified that it will happen?

For months now, the world has been zapped periodically by mini financial panics, a sign that money people everywhere are extremely skittish. This morning, we have all the makings of a very bad day.

Far be it from Gawker.com to claim to be the finest financial blog “in the markets,” but we can tell you this: your special “high flying” “IPO” stocks are getting clobbered!!!

The Chinese stock market, which crashed spectacularly this summer and sent the entire world into a medium-grade financial panic, is now back in bull market territory again. Booming! Invest now, before it collapses again next year.

In 2008, the global economy collapsed. But ever since bottoming out in 2009, we’ve been on a gangbusters recovery. Is it all going to come to an end soon? See for yourself.

As bond prices “flash caution signals about the broader economy,” Goldman Sachs warns of a “major move” in stock prices, and investor pessimism reaches a 15-year high, we are here to remind you: EVERYTHING IS FINE.

After the biggest drop since the Great Recession on Monday, U.S. stocks today posted their biggest gain in four years, because the stock market is driven mainly by bullshit. http://gawker.com/is-the-stock-m…

Mid-day FINANCIAL PANIC report: after dropping 1,000 points this morning, the Dow shot up 600 points, then down another 400 points, and then up again, and now it’s down less than 300 points on the day. Also diamonds are cheaper now, which is nice.

On Friday, the Dow Jones Industrial average fell more than 500 points, capping off the worst stock market week in years. Panic selling has taken hold of nearly every market in the world. As we digest today’s even worse massacre (?), consider: how much should you panic?

The Chinese stock market’s sickening recent plunge potentially endangers the entire global economy, but do not worry: China’s richest investors have already cashed out. Ignorant middle class investor-gamblers, don’t miss this unique chance to jump onto a sinking ship. Buy now! http://gawker.com/reminder-dont-…

When the people who invest billions of dollars for a living get nervous, they tend to start stockpiling cash, anticipating a market collapse. And they are feeling very nervous now!

The New York Stock Exchange suspended all trading at about 11:32 this morning, reportedly because of technical issues.

China’s stock market, the most high-flying in the world lately, is now mired in its inevitable crash. What rises too high shall fall again. In the long run, it will be okay. Unless you did something stupid.

Though Gawker.com is not technically in the business of sophisticated financial analysis of the global economy, we must report to you this morning that it may be time to panic.

China’s stock market, almost universally acknowledged to be one of the world’s foremost bubbles, dropped more than 7% today, which is enough to cause widespread speculation that the bubble is popping, but not enough to make Chinese stocks a good investment.

Biotech stocks, which have risen 550% since the depths of the recession, are now prime targets of short sellers betting they will collapse in grand fashion. “Of any part of the market, this is the one with the most bubble-like characteristics, without question.”

One Nobel Prize-winning economist’s calculations say the stock market is dangerously overvalued, and various Wall Street pundits disagree, but all that really matters is how soon gutter alarmist media like us can convince America’s least informed moron investors to panic. Then the fun starts.

People who buy stocks in alcohol, tobacco, gambling, or (new!) marijuana companies are said to be investing in “vice”—traditionally a good way to earn premium returns in exchange for being a morally bad human. Who are these successful bastard investors?