Gawker: stupid ideas

Breaking: Stupid Television Shows Not Well-Liked

Richard — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 10:12:00 EDT

Everyone's upset about midseason replacement shows. On Fox, Amy Sherman-Palladino's high-profile The Return of Jezebel James (almost as wretched and unwatchable as her previous effort, Gilmore Girls) has been summarily canceled, while the fates of other middling shows like Canterbury's Law (about... a... lawyer) and Unhitched (about people who aren't married) remain unknown. Other crap like CBS' Welcome to the Captain (already gone) and ABC's Miss Guided (I love Judy Greer but the show is not good) also disappointed. The networks are blaming the strike, of course, saying they had no popular shows on which they could advertise upcoming flaming disasters like New Amsterdam and Lipstick Jungle. I blame whoever gives television shows names like Lipstick Jungle, Canterbury's Law, and Welcome to the Captain. [Reuters via EW] After the jump, clips of terrible TV.

The Return of Jezebel James

Unhitched

Canterbury's Law

Historic Meeting of the Minds in Los Angeles

Richard — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 09:42:23 EDT

Ohh gosh. Britney Spears, calamine-stained wig collector and sideways recording artist, has of late been spending some time with David Hasselhoff, well respected star of the television series Baywatch and the film Floor Hamburger for Algernon. The two were introduced to each other by Britney's father Jamie, which makes mother Lynne "incandescent with rage at Jamie's stupidity." After all, Hasselhoff (also a famous baloney salesman in Germany) has had some substance problems of his own and may not be the best pal for old Britney walnuts. Lynne thinks it's all a cheap publicity stunt so Jamie can get some buzz for a new business. But it's possible that Britney is getting something out of these meetings (which involve watching many episodes of Knightrider and practicing "primal scream therapy" in the back yard). A neighbor says of the rendezvous: "Britney turns up looking like she's carrying a big bag of bad on her back and the noise can get a bit much, but she always leaves with a smile on her face." Though, the "big bag of bad" is just the Hoff in a papoose, which they use for their secret morning constitutionals. [Showbiz Spy] After the jump, exclusive video of one of their get-togethers.

Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher To Inadvertently Save Book Industry

Richard — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 13:35:12 EST

Your mournful, desperate prayers have been answered. Big fat loudmouth Rosie O'Donnell is working on a sitcom with big Botoxed loudmouth (and Nanny) Fran Drescher. All that's been spilled about the show is that it's about three best friends. People on Rosie's blog seem quite excited about watching a half hour of shrieking every week, saying things like "omg... you and fran are going to be the new lucy and ethel! i am about to bust at the thought of it," [Disclosure: That was me.] In response to the news, Red Cross volunteers have begun handing out pistols and Barbara Kingsolver novels on street corners. [LAT]

Do Not Pass Go

Richard — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 17:17:47 EST

Ridley Scott, respected director of films such as Blade Runner, Gladiator, and American Gangster has reportedly signed on to direct a movie based on the board game Monopoly. Erm, yup. No word yet on who will play Rich Uncle Pennybags. We're gunning for obvious choice Wilford Brimley. Or, thrillingly, Cate Blanchett. [FishbowlNY]

You're Fired!

Richard — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 17:02:51 EST

Busty blonde belter Christina Aguilera will let you know when she's irrationally angry at you. By firing you. That's what she did to her PR people, manager, and assistant when the issue of People magazine that featured her and her new baby on the cover did not sell well. What exactly do these people have to do with magazine sales (especially the assistant)? Wasn't it their job to get her on the cover, not sell the magazine? They even managed to get a her a mind-boggling $1.5 million for the shoot, which is way above industry standard. Oh Christina! You so crazy. But, what can we do? A girl wants what a girl wants. [Crazy Days and Nights]

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Tori Spelling

Richard — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 11:34:13 EST

Remember Tori Spelling? No, not the dead one! That's her bazillionaire TV mogul papa Aaron. Tori is his deformed daughter. Tori is (was?) an actress who played the virginal Donna Martin (who did, in fact, graduate) on daddy's hot show about cool teens in the hot, cool city Beverly Hills 90210 ("Nine-oh" for in-the-know fags and losers). She also had a glorious career in television movies, most famously in the best-titled movie ever made, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? Well, that's all over now and she was cut her out of her dad's will, so she needs some cash! And what does that almost always mean for nonentity celebrities like Tori and Lance Bass? MEMOIR!!!! Yerp, Tori has written a tome of doubtless grandiloquence that will be hitting the shelves anon. Some selected passages after the jump. The most pleasing? When she says that "Nine-oh" (see?) costar Luke Perry called her "Camel" because of her long eyelashes. Right. That is why he called her camel. It had nothing to do with her looking exactly, in every way possible, like a camel. Oh, Tori.

I spent so many years in the media having people tell stories about my life, so I figured I might as well tell the true stories about my life this time. Nobody's read it! Not even [my husband] Dean!

Shannen [Doherty] had everything, but she could be arrogant and carefree. Jennie [Garth] was outspoken when she thought Shannen was out of line. Sometimes they got along, but there were explosions. Once they got into a fistfight.

As for Luke Perry, he called me 'Camel' because I had long eyelashes. Trust me, Luke Perry can call you 'Camel' and make it sexy.

[Excerpts from People, via Gay Socialites]

Reality Duo To Somehow Make Video Games Even Bigger Waste of Time

Richard — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 16:31:02 EST

Oh for Christ's sake. Eternally grasping and desperate reality TV stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are now saying that, in addition to Ms. Montag's super exciting music career, they will be working on a video game. "You can definitely play as us or you can play against us," says Pratt of the game. He was at some kind of video game function at the time, so maybe he was just drunkenly exaggerating. But, he does keep prattling (get it?) on about it, so mayyybe it's a real idea? Who the fuck knows anymore. [US] After the jump, a preview of the new Hills season! Plus, a preview of Montag & Pratt's new video game.

Amy Winehouse to Sober Up with Ozzy Osbourne

Richard — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 14:27:14 EST

Oh for the love of... Rumors are circulating that troubled, drug addicted singer Amy Winehouse is going to move into the Osbournes' manor in England when she gets out of rehab. Formerly troubled and drug addicted rock 'n roller Ozzy Osbourne and his freakish, foul-mouthed family thought Amy would have a better chance at recovery at their house than in her own North London apartment. Picturing Amy and Ozzy stumbling around a big old British mansion muttering things to the walls and dust motes, then lying face down on the front lawn, quietly humming, is almost too much to bear. Oh to be a fly on those walls. This can't actually be happening, can it? [LA Rag Mag]