Despite the fact that his clothing line is perhaps not for me—and perhaps something that would cause me to make jokes were I to spy it on the street, offending as it is to my traditional small-mindedness—there's no denying that Andre is a guy with an actual claim to being an artist, whereas just about every other celebrity designer just has a claim to being a narcissist. So good for him!

Later, to create a persona for his fashion line, Mr. Benjamin combined his surname with that of Bill Bixby. The character is a world traveler whose wardrobe includes things like a $995 cotton corduroy blazer, a $350 felted waistcoat and a $95 newsboy cap. At Barneys, those clothes now hang next to lines like Double RL and Engineered Garments, which have a similar bent of Depression Chic.

God it just sounds so ridiculous.

You think it looks good on the models, ladies? Wait till your boyfriend puts it on. It will be awful.

So, boo hoo, he made some crazy clothes. It's hardly Southernplayalistic. But it's an improvement over Sean John. This clothing line is just like Andre's music: he was great at standard, normal hip hop. Then he got bored with it and started making crazy shit. I liked the early stuff better, but the new stuff is still miles above whatever Puffy might turn out. Creativity is painful. The only thing worse is no creativity.

We still don't encourage anyone to actually wear this. [NYT]

A release states that it is "aimed at sophisticated shoppers in the Washington, D.C.-metro area. FW will capture the hottest trends in fashion as well as the local designers, boutique owners and famous faces making up the increasingly stylish DC-scene."

FW, I imagine, stands for "Please forward me to New York, where enough style exists to fill an entire magazine." FishbowlDC notes its "small size, few articles and the fact that it is sized like a newspaper insert," and doubts whether it can beat the other DC society mags.

That's because DC style consists of either power suits and tuxedos on the high end, or thermals, high socks, and cutoff Da Link Went t-shirts on the low end. I've seen it in action, and it's not pretty.

[FishbowlDC]

The bubble-butt version:

Fun-loving yellow:

Put it in your pocket!:

[via Mother Jones]

[Made in Brazil via Queerty]

In papers filed in Manhattan Federal Court, Victoria's Secret said it wants the court to consider a study it conducted.

The survey found only five of 308 people who bought hair care products associated the word "sexy" with a single company and made any reference to Sexy Hair Concepts and its offerings.

Victoria's Secret, which also introduced the Very Sexy bra, said its study proves "that the word 'sexy' has not acquired distinctiveness among purchasers of hair care products."

To be fair, if Sexy Hair Concepts loses their Sexy monopoly, they will have some serious branding problems. Their product line:

[PRINT via Kottke]

"I'm European. I come from London, I lived in Paris, and I just find it extraordinary that this has been blown up like this," he told WWD...

"The whole kiddie porn prurient angle seems to be worryingly sour grapes from other magazines that didn't get a picture like this...teenagers can be seen on TV and in the cinema in the most prurient ways, and then a photograph which is for all intents and purposes innocent is blown out of portion and condemned as some ridiculous apotheosis. It's a joke to me. But it's not a joke because I don't find it funny. I find it offensive. I'm deemed as being party to some kind of subversive picture of this girl, that she was cajoled. That we literally manhandled her into stripping is completely not true."

We bestow a cookie upon Mr. Roberts for his valiant effort not to "literally manhandle" Miley Cyrus into stripping. Make that the apotheosis of a cookie.

"This is a girl caught up in a gigantic enterprise where many people's fortunes are riding on her future. If it was fine then, I don't see why suddenly it's not fine."

Roberts suggested one rationale for the change of heart: "Maybe Vanity Fair is a far too sophisticated media outlet for her. Maybe she's better off in those teen magazines. We don't do cheesy teen pictures. We do chic pictures and pictures that are beautiful portraits by probably the leading portrait photographer of our age."

Well then. America stands corrected.

[Bonus great Roberts quote from last year: 'The thing about Vanity Fair is that they always want the stars naked,' he says. 'But I'm trying to persuade them to put the clothes on.' Ha. For more on Roberts' general bitchiness, see here]

The Friday the 13th:

The Skeleton Man:

The Big Bad Wolf:

[pics via Format/ Karmaloop]

Band: Vampire Weekend
Look: "Paul Simon circa 'The Graduate.'"

Band: Beirut [pic via NY Mag]
Look: "French intellectual meets Bulgarian farmer." [THEN GETS BEAT UP, HA!]

Band: Deerhunter
Look: "If Kurt C. met Karen O."

Band: Grizzly Bear
Look: "Williamsburg prep: boat shoes for everyone!"

Allen Salkin, the New York Times reporter who always manages to snag the great stories about the city's most annoying people, takes a look at the plans by Sevigny and friends—who currently run the Beatrice Inn—to whip up buzz for an instantly cool replica of an exclusive hotel and nightspot in Atlantic City, a town whose economy now rests on the arthritic shoulders of grandmothers feeding quarters into slot machines. And petty drug dealers.

The "Chelsea Hotel," described by the developer as "Soho House-y" is a bid to transport downtown chic wholesale into AC, simply by hiring the "right" people like celebrity family member Sevigny. No longer is it necessary to actually create something worthy of being deemed cool; such a designation is now for sale by HIP young tastemakers.

Will the doormen turn away people deemed unhip based on their clothes, haircuts or demeanor, just as Angelo, the doorman at the Beatrice in Greenwich Village, does nightly?

"We hope so," Mr. Bashaw [the developer] said

A spokeswoman goes on to describe Paul Sevigny's role in this whole thing:

"They are going to be in charge of celebrity wrangling, including bringing Paul's sister's friends down," Ms. Odegard said. "At the Beatrice, it was Heath Ledger before he died, Adrian Grenier, Mary-Kate and Ashley and everyone who walks in from the Waverly Inn."

Well, we look forward to many entertaining calls to the EMT's in the near future! Salkin's disdain for this shitty idea comes through pretty clearly in the article, and at the end, it's revealed why:

Some authentic Manhattan experiences might best be shipped free of charge to Atlantic City. Like the experience of being rejected by a dead-eyed doorman muttering, "Sorry, private party tonight," which is what happened to this reporter as he approached the Beatrice Inn on Wednesday evening wearing a bulky orange parka appropriate to the freezing weather.

Moments later, a shivering couple in sheer but stylish clothes was ushered inside without a question.

Don't worry, man. At least you didn't catch a chill.

Turns out that these richer and glossier older sisters of Youtube can hold a reader's eyes with the best of them: in just under four minutes you get a hot babe, fake sand, real chainsaws, a cherry-red hotrod, and a great-looking ice cream sandwich mid-melt. As if all that imagery were not enough, the Times tops off the sundae with a little musical number called "My Moon My Man" by the singer Feist. In effect, what the Times' tubers engineered as a mere sneaky peek at the models and photogs who make the glossy sections of the Sunday paper worth bringing to the bathroom, has turned into a banging music video. It is a pretty good one! —Mike

All the Fixings [NYT]

After the jump, Intern Alexis gathers Jackie Sibblies, Emily Gordon, and Sam Reich for some stylish cross-examination.

Jackie Sibblies, unpublished playwright

Since he won't describe his style, go ahead, describe his style.

"Buena Vista Social Club" meets "aging bachelor uncle you keep your eye on when he plays with the kids, especially the girls."

What's under that hat?

An extra can of mustache wax (for emergencies) and plastic gloves (for evidence tampering). Oh, and I suppose, a golden brain.

Who do you want to be wearing when you are buried?

Oddly enough, not only do I wish to be buried in a fedora and deeply discounted Italian leather shoes, the fear that no one will be there to "do" my mustache keeps me up at night. Perhaps Mr. Aidala and I could make a suicide pact that includes a mustache-"do"ing clause.

Lewis was apparently J-Lo's lawyer. Did she ever "do" his mustache?

Weekly during the "On the 6" era, and on special occasions to get in touch with her roots during the "Jenny from the Block" days. Wait, did that knife have anything to do with her dumping Diddy?

Emily Gordon, Emdashes

Since he won't describe his style, go ahead, describe his style.

Colonel Sanders/Mustard on a midday stroll to Belle Watling's parlor via the unreconstructed stretch of 14th St., with a little Victor Navasky for brio.

What's under that hat?

As you know, Bologna is a hotbed of Communism. Right on the Gorby spot, it's a port-wine stain of pure pinko mischief.

Who do you want to be wearing when you are buried?

I beg you, look behind the toilet bowl! It was a KNIFE goddamn it! I'll clank my ghostly chains forevermore unless you solve the mystery of my untimely demise. Where's that lawyer with the golden brain? Oh fuck, he's off shoe shopping.

Lewis was apparently J-Lo's lawyer. Did she ever "do" his mustache?

Hell yes, J.Lo taught him that dance move he's doing. You've heard she's pregnant? Twins, very waxy and wiry. The L.Aid/J.Lo affair had to end, though, because every time he said "You gonna beat that?" she took him literally. He was black and blue, and a. testoni were completely out of both colors, even on special order. As for any children Ms. Lopez may produce with her actual husband, they, too, will remember when Daddy had a beard.

Sam Reich, web producer

Since he won't describe his style, go ahead, describe his style.

Pirate Dick Tracy. His other outfit is a yellow blazer with a sown-on parrot.

What's under that hat?

Another mustache. There are four on his body. See if you can find them!

Who do you want to be wearing when you are buried?

Louis Aidala. Head to toe, though. No gay stuff.

Lewis was apparently J-Lo's lawyer. Did she ever "do" his mustache?

J-Lo doesn't "do" hair. Don't be fooled by the locks that she's got.

After the jump, Intern Alexis gathers Molly Worthen, Isaac Kardon and Rus Jude to try and make sense of this crap.

Molly Worthen, public intellectual

What do you think the one in the back that's poking his head to try and be seen is thinking about the other ones?

"I can't believe I used to think I was the only one into airbrushed baseball caps and Kabbalah. EHarmony.com really works!"

Why do you think Eric Jonies is called "Socks"?

"Socks" is short for Socrates. He's the group's aesthetic philosopher.

What would Will Smith think of the Fresh Princes?

Will Smith has the same opinion of the Fresh Princes that Jesus has of the Da Vinci Code. Meaning that he thinks, "Wicked! This will boost my sales!"

If the Fresh Princes claim to embody "geek style" what do members of their rival crew, The Carltons, look like?

They prefer v-necked, cable-knit leotards, hoops of flaming pocket protectors, and zany make-up - it's more of a Cirque Du Soleil approach.

Isaac Kardon, media mogul

What do you think the one in the back that's poking his head to try and be seen is thinking about the other ones?

"Why is Young Money being so dismissive towards me? And Fli Guy? Ever since I refused to omit the "G" at the end of maxin' and relaxin' he acts like he doesn't even KNOW me. I can't believe Socks is wearing my vest."

Why do you think Eric Jonies is called "Socks"?

I think we can reasonably assume that hip-hop/fashion impresario Erick Jonies plays "Socks" as the lovable, goofy, wild-card member of this posse. Cribbing a technique pioneered by visionaries like Michelangelo and Ringo, Socks provides the chuckles while brother Tyquan "Young Money" Jonies tirelessly crunches numbers, Jonathan "Fli Guy" Saunders macks on honeys, and Derron "Ronney Fresh" Bond delivers his rude—but insightful*—assessments of contemporary media. The name itself came from an incident involving slippery floor and some hilarious physical comedy from a shoeless (but stockinged) "Socks".

*Post-VH1-hitting-rock-bottom-with-drugs-and-gambling phase. Before that episode, the guy was much more charming, though less self-aware.

What would Will Smith think of the Fresh Princes?

"These jokers are mixing their metaphors," said Smith, betraying more than a little disgust. "Whereas my bold color combinations and irreverent good nature were a profoundly hopeful symbol of cool for a culturally backward generation, they've gone and flipped my effortless chic into a "geek" parallel universe. Honestly, glasses? And is that David Alan Grier on the right?"

If the Fresh Princes claim to embody "geek style" what do members of their rival crew The Carltons look like?

There's only one left now, and he looks more like a mid-level bureaucrat than anything else. Almost by default, The Carltons have been pushed farther down the geek spectrum than they would like to admit. After gang-related violence claimed three of their charter members, the crew brought a number of bitterly contested intellectual property lawsuits against The Fresh Princes, entirely financed by an incensed Alfonso Ribeiro. The court upheld The Fresh Princes' "Geek Style" trademark, adding legal insult to the fashion injury by further ruling that The Carltons can no longer have any black members.

Rus Jude, purveyor of funny

What do you think the one in the back that's poking his head to try and be seen is thinking about the other ones?

The guy in the back, a.k.a. The Jazzy Jeff Posse of One, is trying to see the new hand signal which designates which clothing style will be appropriated next in order to garner just a little more attention, while maintaining their strong stance on "no substance whatsoever". This particular signal denotes that on Wednesday, after hearing the song "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley for the 3rd time they will put their Cross Colors pants on backwards. "The Fresh Princes" are full of such subtlety.

Why do you think Eric Jonie's is called "Socks"?

Eric Jonies is called "Socks" because on Tuesday, May 8th, 1992 he came into school walked over to the friends he had grown up with and began affecting a Boston accent.

What would Will Smith think of the Fresh Princes?

The Will Smith of 1987 really appreciated these guys. "These guys are fly. It's so obvious. Duh!" The Will of 1997 mourned them. "They are the embodiment of all that is dead and gone". He referred to them as "the hip-hop equivalent of Latin. Their character is as empty as their glasses. Go see Men In Black." The Will Smith of 2006 would say they're "very creative" and "hip-hop". Because by saying this it implies that he himself is still creative and hip-hop.

If the Fresh Princes claim to embody "geek style" what do members of their rival crew The Carltons look like?

The Fresh Princes embody "geek style" in the old sense of the word "geek". When it meant something bad. The Carltons embody the new connotation of "geek", only with a bit of that unmistakable charm of that genius foil. They don't "walk" anywhere, this gang of six travel to their powerful technology positions via the classic Carlton dance. They have graduated from the Cosby sweaters and Ivy League colleges and gained steam toward retribution for the girls they didn't get. They live a life of power, and righteous unhappiness while hating and needing everything they have. They imbibe large quantities of cocaine and sadness. And collectively now own Gawker.

After the jump, Intern Alexis gathers Scott Kidder, Matthew Schneier and Rachel Goodman for some timely analysis of Kevin's happily layered style.

Scott Kidder, Gawker power-intern

What does Michael Showalter think of Kevin?

Michael has actually never met Kevin. He has no idea who he is. But this will help when Michael's asked to pick Kevin out of a police line up for following him home after "screenwriting" class.

Kevin dresses on the outside like how he feels on the inside. How does he feel on the inside?

Like a near-sighted bumble bee, apparently. He has a busy career, full of "layers": buzzing around to roles as a miniature Eddie Izzard, plays, bands, improv, and Michael Showalter's apartment window.

How about what does Diane Keaton think of Kevin's outfit? Please feel free to answer as a) Diane Keaton in Annie Hall; b) Diane Keaton in Marvin's Room; c) Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give.

From the looks of it, she probably wants her purse back.

What are Kevin's Fashion Week plans?

Remember that whole police line-up? Turns out Showalter makes a pretty good educated guess. The local women's prison doesn't get the Style Channel, and Diane Keaton doesn't carry enough cash for bail.
Sorry Kevin...

Matthew Schneier, gadabout

What does Michael Showalter think of Kevin?

Michael Showalter is much too busy to think about Kevin, whose sidelong and heaven-tending glances indicate his deference to Showalter's six and half feet of greatness. Which is all to say, I'm pegging Kevin at around 5'1" in stocking feet. The stripes say, "who's going to trip over me now?" To which I can only reply, well, probably still Michael Showalter, on his way out the door. But at least it's a prime chance to shove a sweaty screenplay into his hand. In a witty and ironic reversal, I see Eddie Izzard to star!

Kevin dresses on the outside like how he feels on the inside. How does he feel on the inside?

Uncoordinated? Thickly striped? There's a hint of manpurse on the shoulder (don't think we didn't notice, Jake Chessum, you sly fox), so I'm guessing there are also a lot of feelings of adolescent confusion, longing, and some residual picked-last-at-dodgeball shame. All things considered, Kevin is the fanciest dragon I know.

How about what does Diane Keaton think of Kevin's outfit? Please feel free to answer as a) Diane Keaton in Annie Hall; b) Diane Keaton in Marvin's Room; c) Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give.

I contacted Diane Keaton on the set of Something's Gotta Give for comment. (I contacted her several years ago when the film was still in production: unsurprisingly, Diane Keaton is clairvoyant in addition to
telekinetic, so she had no problem answering. Few know that Diane Keaton was one of the original X-Men.) Diane: "Blah blah blah women and aging, glass ceiling/double standard, a couple of cheap jokes at the expense of my sagging flesh, who is this kid wearing unmatched items and blaming it on me?, and how did I end up in a movie with Amanda Peet?, anyway, point is I don't give a shit about Kevin Townley. And, yes, Diane Keaton can say 'shit.' Next question."

Touch , Diane, touch .

What are Kevin's Fashion Week plans?

Seventy-five more auditions and an herbal tea before bedtime. The real question is, why has there not been a Look Book runway show in Bryant Park? Take to the boards, kids, and strut your questionable stuff. Can you get a SAG credit for that?

Rachel Goodman, red-headed world-saver

What does Michael Showalter think of Kevin?
Michael Showalter thinks of Kevin about what he thinks of every other shmo who shells out 400 bucks for that screenwriting class: Thanks for the drinking money, dude. Michael Showalter also hopes that Kevin
will not offer to buy him a Stella. Because he's heard that one just a couple of times before.

Kevin dresses on the outside like how he feels on the inside. How does he feel on the inside?

Kevin is at peace with his identity as one of the Townleys of Westport, but he wishes people could understand that a Fairfield County upbringing does not mean that he wants to drink anything but PBR. Unless, of course, it's Stella. He also wishes they would believe that going anywhere above 14th Street makes him really uncomfortable.

What does Diane Keaton think of Kevin's outfit? Please feel free to answer as a) Diane Keaton in Annie Hall; b) Diane Keaton in Marvin's Room; c) Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give.

Alvy, see that kid over there? I think he's wearing my grandmother's glasses.

What are Kevin's Fashion Week plans?

Kevin plans to wander from show to show collecting as many outfit-inspirations as possible, which he will then wear simultaneously without regard to coordination. By forcing himself to justify layering on this magnificent scale, Kevin will learn to understand both the rich interconnectedness of humanity and the merits of breathable polypropylene.

Children's
Grammy winner Ashanti's ASHANTI STYLE, co-written with editor-at-large at Vibe Orlando Lima, an autobiographical account of her life and style that includes fashion and beauty tips, to Kelli Martin for Jump At The Sun, for publication in fall 2007, by projects manager Stephan Dweck and attorney Jerome Leventhal.

Oh lovely. Jon Benet would be so proud.

After the jump, intern Alexis rounds up Maureen Miller, Trisha Weir, and Alia Akkam for a discussion of how best to repair Ku's tragic dye job.

Maureen Miller, Huffington Poster, schoolmarm

Joshua Ku looks sad. Why is he sad?

Relationships. School. Old job at the 'Bucks. The usual.

Joshua Ku says that modeling sometimes "requires you to do things that you would only do in your bathroom by yourself." Speaking of which, what do you want to do to Joshua Ku in a bathroom?

Cut his hair. He's a model, after all: Advertising looks, chops a must. Slap a shrunken blazer over that Gap Inc.-may-care tee and you have all the elements of an Asiatic Malkmus — elliptic, angular, abstract. Wait, scratch that. I think I might have meant Stephane Mallarme.

He says his bleached blonde hair makes him look "intimidating and unapproachable." Do you agree?

If by "intimidating and unapproachable," you mean "Andy Warhol on a crystal meth bender," then by all means yes. I mean that lovingly. Aside from a silkscreen and a smart pair of specs, what's the diff,
anyway?

Where did his left arm go?

I notice a sliver of sweet Ku sinew meandering down the left ribcage. Where might that hand be headed? I thought he saved those kinds of things for the bathroom! And, uh, modeling.

Trisha Weir, writer and collector of frequent flier miles

Joshua Ku looks sad. Why is he sad?

He'll tell you that he's still upset about the "payment" he got on the L'Uomo Vogue shoot. But truth be told, Joshua's terrified that if he looks happy and well-fed, the only modeling work he'll get is for the
International Male catalog (poet shirt edition), or worse yet, Land's End. The face he's making here says "I'm contemplative yet apathetic, and I'm way too good to model anti-wrinkle chinos."

The look also comes in handy to cover the hurt, when his friends tell him that the hairstyle that makes him look like an asshole is actually an improvement.

Joshua Ku says that modeling sometimes "requires you to do things that you would only do in your bathroom by yourself." Speaking of which, what do you want to do to Joshua Ku in a bathroom?

If I had Joshua Ku alone in a bathroom, I would want to touch...up his bleach job, because that shit's totally starting to grow out. Better yet, I'd like to hand him some clippers and tell him to buzz the goldilocks right off. But either way, the current look has to go; sure, Sarah Jessica Parker got that Gap modeling gig with her roots showing, but her agent had a bit more clout than Joshua's RePresentation at ReQuest.

He says his bleached blonde hair makes him look "intimidating and unapproachable." Do you agree?

Given the recent allegations that NY Mag runs all quotes through a jackassification filter, I'll assume he was horribly misquoted. Even someone whose only job skill is to be really, really good looking would have to know that the real reason he's unpopular is because he wants to work in advertising.

Where did his left arm go?

Joshua has more important things in his (undeclared) life to worry about than clothing, but he says simple's OK. Fortunately, this avant-garde one-sleeved shirt from everyone's favorite Swedish chain-store appealed to his "I so don't care; I don't even care if it's a functional garment," aesthetic. That, and it was cheap. They can't ring you up at H&M with L'Uomo Vogue's currency, if you know what I mean.

Alia Akkam, freelance lifestyle writer

Joshua Ku looks sad. Why is he sad?
One afternoon, he decided to pay a visit to the "good luck charm" of a friend responsible for launching his modeling career. The friend still makes Starbucks Grande cappuccinos for a living (irony), so after shooting the shit for a while at the joint , Joshua realized how six nights of chowing down on mesclun salads sprinkled with cottage cheese left him ravenous. When the Good Luck friend offered him his Starbucks discount, Joshua couldn't resist. He threw his model diet to the wind and ended up scarfing down a brick-like blueberry scone and a gluey cheese Danish in less than two minutes. As luck would have it, his agent happened to be in the midst of a meeting there, sipping on his Frappucino (with skim of course) as he watched his new prized pet binge. Joshua hasn't had one carb in three months and since
the incident, hasn't been able to look anyone in the eye.

Joshua Ku says that modeling sometimes "requires you to do things that you would only do in your bathroom by yourself." Speaking of which, what do you want to do in a bathroom with Joshua Ku?

I want to guide Joshua over to the sink, dunk his head underneath the faucet, rifle my fingers through his crispy locks of hair with Paul Mitchell Super Charged Moisturizer and say "yes, there is help out there" as I slip him the business card to my stylist at Parlor.

He says his bleached blonde hair makes him look "intimidating and unapproachable." Do you agree?

Not at all. Don't you always go up to that throng of hipster kids hanging outside the noodle shops of E. 9th Street because they look so friendly? Now, maybe if he'd said "poseur" and "trite" I could agree
with the man.

Where did his left arm go?

Oh it's there, silly, it's just getting a workout right now. In the latest attempt at saving a dime, Joshua thought he'd be creative and experiment with vanity on the homefront by shaving his nether regions
with a lone Bic in the shower one day. In this heat though, well, the poor buy just can't stop scratching. If only he'd forgone the summer tee spree at H&M and saved up for a day at the spa to get it done
properly.

After the jump, Intern Alexis rounds up Mariko Ayanami, Matthew Schneier, and Darren Belitsky to discuss whether or not Vonn actually knows her 111 MySpace friends.

Mariko Ayanami, master glass blower

What do you think of Vonn's singing talents?

They're cool, but I really think Vonn should go back to her roots, you know, to that crazy hard-core neighborhood where Target is called 'Tarjay' (Gasp! Subversion). I'm thinking this awesome epic ballad that involves Vonn smacking down the hordes of baby-carriaging bourgeoisie getting up in her grill at 'Tarjay,' which is in, um, Park Slope.

Vonn is a phone operator for Kaplan Test Prep. If you were a 15-year-old boy preparing for your writing S.A.T. II, and you found yourself on the phone with Vonn, what would happen?

Actually, did you know that Vonn's personal motto "I try to go left if everyone else goes right" was the prompt for an S.A.T. II essay? I'm not joking, it was like 'do you disagree or agree with this statement?,' and then 'please provide examples to support your case.' And people wrote these rocking essays about radical innovators and non-conformists like Tom Cruise, who despite his tendency to confuse left with right, has become really famous, and who is going to star in My Left Foot II.

Vonn is also a swimsuit model. If you were a 15-year-old boy preparing for your writing S.A.T. II, and you found yourself on Vonn's MySpace page looking at her photo, what would happen?

I don't even need to make something up to answer that question. If you go to Vonn's MySpace page you'll notice that there IS a 15-year-old boy (MySpace name 'EMoney') who has written comments like "ma you so beautiful maybe we can make music together someday it be cool, even though you are probably to buys for a guy like me well talk to you later ma' and 'my penis just got hard off of this picture sorry i had to type that well holla ma.' Those answers are NOT going to get you a good score on the writing portion of the S.A.T. II, young an. Although EMoney is, in some respects, pretty skillful with the metaphors. Now excuse me while I go make music together with that cute intern from finance.

Matthew Schneier, highly employable dandy about town

What do you think of Vonn's singing talents?

Vonn places herself in the august company of Brandy and Aaliyah, and I'm inclined to agree, give or take a little early TLC. I think she's got the makings of a great, short-lived hook singer.

Vonn is a phone operator for Kaplan Test Prep. If you were a 15-year-old boy preparing for your writing S.A.T. II, and you found yourself on the phone with Vonn, what would happen?

I bet Vonn gives great phone. When I was a 15-year-old boy conversing with SAT administrators and Kaplan professionals, I mainly got automated operators, who were not only unpliable but also uninspiring—I would say their invitingness rated somewhere not far below Julie, the Amtrak robot's, or Mr. Moviefone's. Had I been confronted with Vonn's R&B croon, I probably would have gotten my analogies all in a twist. SEPTUAGENERIAN : LAMBAST :: DO ME : VONN?

Vonn is also a swimsuit model. If you were a 15-year-old boy preparing for your writing S.A.T. II, and you found yourself on Vonn's MySpace page looking at her photo, what would happen?

As someone who slept—or, sometimes, hyperventilated—through Kaplan practice tests, knowing Vonn would be waiting at the test-prep center would likely have ended the former tendency and exacerbated the latter. I think Vonn's background as a music video extra amply prepares her to be not only a phone operator, but a test proctor, potentially singing the eight pages of restrictions. ("No. 2 pencils only"—an Xtina-style melisima?) As Vonn writes of her swimsuit cover, on which she is flanked by two equally fetching beauties, "the chocolate's in the middle." Can't the same be said of the SAT II? CHOCOLATE : MIDDLE :: VONN : SAT II? Apparently I still haven't recovered.

Darren Belitsky, TV producer/writer

What do you think of Vonn's singing talents?

These songs made me truly appreciate the artistic genius behind Paris Hilton's "The Stars are Blind". I think Vonn should give Paris' producer a call. Vonn's heavy breathing and whispering on the tracks really stood out to me. If her career as a singer doesn't take off, she definitely has a good career ahead of her as Prince's back-up whisperer.

Vonn is a phone operator for Kaplan Test Prep. If you were a 15-year-old boy preparing for your writing S.A.T. II, and you found yourself on the phone with Vonn, what would happen?

Having seen pictures of her, I'd definitely try a Mary Kaye Letourneau angle. I'd tell her that teachers having sex with students is very hot right now and she could be the female R. Kelly. If I had actually found myself on the phone with someone with her considerable heavy breathing skills when I was 15, however, my voice would have just cracked like Peter Brady's as I asked "how many points do you lose for bad spelling?"

Vonn is also a swimsuit model. If you were a 15-year-old boy preparing for your writing S.A.T. II, and you found yourself on Vonn's MySpace page looking at her photo, what would happen?

I would sigh deeply, realizing that I'll never be half the swimsuit model Vonn is no matter how many squat thrusts I do and that it's time to put my childish dream of swimsuit modeling to bed. I'd realize that the key to my future really is in academic success and I'd study all night for the SATs. And years later whilst sitting in the great room of my Park Avenue penthouse apartment, lighting a cigar with a hundred dollar bill, I'd think of Vonn and her fine booty and how she crushed my boyhood dreams of becoming the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model and made me the man I am today.

After the jump, Caroline Waxler, Annie Karni, and Andrew Goldstein contemplate the free will of Ben's 5 o'clock shadow.

Caroline Waxler, television writer and author of Stocking Up On Sin

Ben is one hairy sonofabitch. He started growing facial hair at 10, and if he shaves in the morning, by lunchtime, he's hairy again. What facial hair look do you think would suit him best?

He would look particularly fetching with G. Gordon Liddy's mustache. (It's much more kempt than that rat's nest Ben's lip is sporting.) It's kept Liddy knee deep in guns and ladies since at least the 1970s.

Ben's looking pretty Autumnal. How can we gear him up for summer?

Yes, the hat is a little too Oktoberfest, 1939. Have Rachel Zoe pull one of her many strings over at Tommy Bahama. I hear the wait list for their khaki cargo shorts is ridiculous.

Ben mentions that he's going to be teaching gifted 12-year-olds about free will at UVA this summer. What will this mean for his mustache?

I have no idea. I got a D in philosophy class. Clearly, if I could answer a question like that about a mustache's free will I wouldn't be doing a Gawker Q&A.

Annie Karni, freelancer and reporter, Long Island Jewish World

Ben is one hairy sonofabitch. He started growing facial hair at 10, and if he shaves in the morning, by lunchtime, he's hairy again. What facial hair look do you think would suit him best?

Our friend Ben here has a bit of a baby face and grows facial hair like it's a 9-to-5er, which to me means we've got to rule out anything well-trimmed, a la John Waters or Hitler. Ben says he didn't like sporting the beard, so that leaves us with the handlebar mustache (pictured), or something in the goatee/sideburns family, which is, frankly, just yucky. How about easing up on the unsettling contrast between those clean-shaven cheeks and that heavy-duty mustache? Trade in the mustache for some evenly distributed stubble, I say!

Ben's looking pretty Autumnal. How can we gear him up for summer?

"I'm just sort of into male fashions of the '70s," says Ben, which leaves him with the obvious choice of Adidas booty shorts. But Ben is spending the summer teaching gifted kids in Virginia. And just like he says about the classes on free will he'll be teaching, "that might be dangerous for 12-year-olds."

Ben mentions that he's going to be teaching gifted 12-year-olds about free will at UVA this summer. What will this mean for his mustache?

It could easily become the focus of his entire course, actually. Like, "Is it fate or free will that gave me the power to grow such thick and manly facial hair at such a tender age?" I happen to have a friend who saves every beard he's ever grown in a plastic Ziploc bag. Perhaps Ben here might follow suit, shaving off the 'stache in a dramatic demonstration of man's powerful agency, and distributing little sandwich bags filled with mustache amongst the little geniuses so that they remember "seventies-inspired Nardolilli and his crazy old notions about "free will" forever!

Andrew Goldstein, writer, Web Junk 20

Ben is one hairy sonofabitch. He started growing facial hair at 10, and if he shaves in the morning, by lunchtime, he's hairy again! What facial hair look do you think would suit him best?

Are you sure his name is Ben and not Earl? Anyway, Mr. Unabomber sketch needs to come to grips with a rather inconvenient truth and embrace global warning. Thin is in and way cooler in the summer sun. Let's whittle a few pounds off that 'stache, grow in some pencil thin bearded connections, and take a stroll down Backstreet AJ Mclean style.

Ben's looking pretty Autumnal. How can we gear him up for summer?

Four words: Old Navy Capri pants! And lets pair that with a witty ironic T. Not the "I'm Kind of a Big Deal" kind but more along the lines of "Are You Deaf 'Cause I Swear You Sound Like Lou Ferrigno" kind. As far as his feet go, three more words: Ugg Flip Flops.

Ben mentions that he's going to be teaching gifted 12-year-olds about free will at UVA this summer. What will this mean for his mustache?

There's no better analogy for free will than the facial hair palate. Just to prove man's pubescent right of free expression, he'll go from Hitler 'stache in June to ZZ Top Hasid in August - growin' every style in between. Be sure to check Ben out on July 4th, or is that Captain Lou Albano? Free will never looked so good.

After the jump, Intern Alexis rallies Jeff Miller, Rebeccas Sills, and Lauren Ro to analyze what Joanne's hiding in her hair.

Jeff Miller, Trophy Dad

If we cut off all of Joanie's hair and presented it to you, what would you do with it?

Given the salubrious foods on which Joanie dines, her hair is indeed healthy and contains many of the vital nutrients and compounds that our less fortunate neighbors have difficulty finding in their diets of
white-bread-and-vegetable-oil sandwiches. Mrs. Prager's heart will surely warm to toasty when she hears from her maid that I have taken her philanthropic cue and have begun distributing her former hair on the subway to anyone who is hungry and needs something healthy to eat, especially those with a pro-vitamin deficiency. The better the Pragers eat, the better the poor eat! Hang on a sec, Ronald Reagan is calling.

Why does Joanie's husband insist on buying all her clothing for her?

At the fund's Christmas party, many of Mr. Prager's associates became confused by Joanie's baroquely decorated aqua and purple unitard, rococo crystal headdress, and impossibly realistic whiskers. Under the misguided assumption that she was one of the performers, Jenkins and Belmondo rapturously tossed her onstage, where the insulted cast of Cirque du Soleil capably improvised a humiliating but silent image-play dramatizing Joanie's preference for banking over maternity, and they also juggled conflagrant faeces with their eyelids. This having been the third such incident in as many days, Herr Prager decided to take matters into his own hands. Though Joanie may claim she finds it cute now, when her son asks her in thirty years why she let Dad force her to wear the exact same outfit every day, she will sigh, wonder, and regret.

What are her kids' names?

Driver, Cook, Maid, and Allergist. After their just-like-grandparents.

What's in Joanie's bag?

Her children's competitors' severed hands, and bits of Kashi.

Rebecca Sills, a Jew in Daytime

If we cut off all of Joanie's hair and presented it to you, what would you do with it?

Hope you were a very prompt and genuine Indian Giver. That weave is straight up nasty.

Why does Joanie's husband insist on buying all her clothing for her?

It's a lie. Bitch just went to Barney's! That's what we childless public-transport ridin' hood rats who eat take-out each and every night and got over our Rapunzel complexes at an appropriate age call SHOP-PING. And another thing, if Joanie, keeps leaving the kids in the car while she gets her consumer on, her four year old will think Nemo is his mommy and the driver is his daddy.

What are her kids' names?

Cause for Resentment, Career Killer, I'd Rather Be Banking and The Cute Lil' Black One (he is her daddy! Oh to go slumming with the help! So very cozy and outer borough of her.)

What's in Joanie's bag?

A copy of every Ann Coulter book ever published, including the much less publicized The Adam's Apple and Me.

Lauren Ro, English major

If we cut off all of Joanie's hair and presented it to you, what would you do with it?

I'd tat her a cape like Bjork's headdress on the cover of "Medulla" so she can fly around the city with her kids clinging onto different braids. I'll bet that flying is quite the salutary mode of transportation. Joanie seems into the organic health thing — you can tell by her hair and her espadrilles.

Why does Joanie's husband insist on buying all her clothing for her?

It's his money, duh. The money she made in banking has been put away for future cosmetic surgery procedures, when nature gets too heavy, too unbecoming on her.

What are her kids' names?

Spencer (girl), 10; Maizie, 9; Siobhan, 6; 4-year-old Joe, the accident.

What's in Joanie's bag?

Nail clippers, a leotard, foldable galoshes, BlackBerry.

This adorable retiree is Tim Horan, who wears scarves because of his neck surgery and plays bridge like any dapper old fellow should. He grew up in Cambridge and he's been in New York since December 1945, when he got out of the army. Tim also made a lot of money on the old quiz shows, which were rigged so he could win — and now he can afford to spend his summers in Lucca, Italy.

Anywho, while we get all weepy for the older, wiser, adorable-r generation, Intern Alexis rounds up Joanna Spilker, Rick J. Pecoraro, and Paul Paftinos, all of whom are ready and able snark on Tim's grandpappy chic.

Joanna Spilker political operative and sassmaster

What kind of dog does Tim have and why wasn't it included in the photo?

Hate to burst that prissy bubble, but when Tim says he's walking the dog in the park, it means he is either errrrr, dropping some kids off at the pool or cruising for trannies in Tompkins Square. The leash in the photo is just part of the ruse.

We discovered a testimony to a Congressional subcommittee given by former quiz show contestent Kirsten Falke who claimed that by accident, she messed up and ultimately beat Tim Horan on "Tic-Tac Dough" even though they were supposed to have tied. What did Horan do the night he was booted off?"

Well, it's hardly a secret that Tim is a self-mutilator. But on that fateful night, blood wasn't enough. Seeing himself wearing the 10 extra pounds that the camera adds was too much for poor Tim. Kids, that was the night Tim became a bulimic.

What does Tim wear when he goes to MisShapes?

Coin toss: a white hooded caftan, or a T-shirt that says "Not only am I perfect, but I'm also Puerto Rican".

You've been invited to stay with the Horans in their 30-room villa in Lucca. What do you pack?

Valium, night-vision goggles, and the big book.

Rick J. Pecoraro, MagneticMediaFed

What kind of dog does Tim have and why wasn't it included in the photo?

Tim is coy. He's a throwback to an earlier time; though unmistakably cutting edge. If Tim were the vintage logo of a Major League Baseball franchise he'd be the Milwaukee Brewers. This is precisely why his dog, Tommy, was cropped out of the photo. See, Tim's dog is actually a robot dog. But this isn't some artificially intelligent Korean import. Tommy is a classic made from copper wire, the rusted hubcaps of a 1962 Chrysler Valiant and powered by steam. It's image cannot be viewed by the masses for fear of riots unparalleled since the likes of the Stonewall Rebellion of 1969.

We discovered a testimony to a Congressional subcommittee given by former quiz show contestant Kirsten Falke who claimed that by accident, she messed up and ultimately beat Tim Horan on "Tic-Tac Dough" even though they were supposed to have tied. What did Horan do the night he was booted off?

Tim Horan isn't one to dwell. Another day, another dollar, right? His immediate location post-taping is mostly unknown, though numerous persons have gone on-record to report a seersucker-clad dandy spotted that night at a Television City piano bar nursing a mint julep with Wink Martindale. However, this isn't one-hundred-percent certain, as Tom Wolfe had just finished a short stint on The Joker's Wild.

What does Tim wear when he goes to MisShapes?

Think Fred from Scooby-Doo, but you know, with a robot dog.

You've been invited to stay with the Horans in their 30-room villa in Lucca. What do you pack?

The Horans are funny like that. They say, "Oh, relax, pack light," but then on some nondescript Lucian afternoon, while chatting with everyone in the Blue Room, you're suddenly asked to go grab your complete set of Coronet magazines, a Crimson letterman sweater and a garlic press made of oxidized bronze. "C'mon people, why on earth would I pack a sweater?" I say, "It's the middle of the goddamn summer." Man, those Horans can be real dicks sometimes.

Paul Paftinos, resident sexy wall streeter

What kind of dog does Tim have and why wasn't it included in the photo?

I'm assuming he's got a Beagle wearing a jacket and hat which matches his own. Thing is the Beagle has in fact been dead since 1989 and his wife doesn't have the heart to tell him. Instead it's been stuffed and she had wheels put under the paws and the senile old fool has been wheeling him through the park for over a decade. Wasn't in photo because New York doesn't want any PETA heat.

We discovered a testimony to a Congressional subcommittee given by former quiz show contestent Kirsten Falke who claimed that by accident, she messed up and ultimately beat Tim Horan on "Tic-Tac Dough" even though they were supposed to have tied. What did Horan do the night he was booted off?

He and Eva Gardner had a wild orgy at the Ch teau Marmont with booze and blow. Nobody would have ever known had he not ended the night by telegraphing a tirade to news editors about how Francis Farmer is a "firecrotch".

What does Tim wear when he goes to MisShapes?

Liver spots... or perhaps Liver Spotted-Face Jesus costume? Not completely sure.

You've been invited to stay with the Horans in their 30-room villa in Lucca. What do you pack?

Well, I'd likely recruit 'the earl grey' on this one... but I'll give it a shot in his absence:

-Custom tailored silk pajamas from Ferragamo
-My entire "Pompous-ass" scarf collection
-Kasmir smoking jacket
-Anything Seersucker
-My polo team
-A couple of ounces of smack to keep me sane

Oh, and the big winner of the evening was Calvin Klein's shifty-looking designer Francisco Costa, who took home the Womenswear Designer of the Year award, leaving Anna Wintour to go home and cry with her pet Proenza Schouler.

After the jump, an anonymous celebrity stalker gives his red carpet report.

The guests began to slowly trickle in about 6:30PM...

First to arrive was Chloe Sevigny, who seemed to be faring better than when I saw her several weeks ago at the Costume Ball. She started up the stairs to the chorus of "Chloe, Chloe." Right behind her was Amanda Bynes, whose popularity has just soared since she was cast today in Hairspray. Although Chloe Sevigny was still on the Red Carpet all eyes turned towards Amanda Bynes and literally for the next 5 minutes the photographers focused solely on her until her handler guided her up the stairs into the library.

Bee Shaffer and her mother Ms Devil herself showed up.

Then Jeremy Priven arrived, I was surprised he was there because I heard there was an Entourage party on the NYU campus. Maybe he was planning to pick up something from Chloe Sevigny.

Jaime King came in next and the Party was just getting started, then Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Tommy Hilfiger in a Gun's & Roses T-Shirt (later I got a great picture of him in it), then Dita Von Teese showed up solo as I guess her husband Marilyn Manson is busy preparing for today 06/06/06, she looked fabulous in her pasty white make-up and red lipstick. Scarlett Johansson, then Sandra Oh, then the police cleared the sidewalk of any lingering people, stopped traffic on 5th Avenue where a large black van stopped at the curb. We all thought that the rumors were true and Jessica Simpson would pop out at any moment. Ta Da — it was even more of a surprise: Lindsey Lohan and Karl Lagerfeld. They really looked coifed, but the shock was that the two of them were together because I remember a print fight in which LL declared herself the new face of Lagerfeld, and "Chanel designer KARL LAGERFIELD has laughed off singer/actress LINDSAY LOHAN's claims she will front the fashion house's next advertising campaign, insisting she is too immature."

I guess he needed some publicity, Later, they were the first ones to leave in the same over the top manner.

Then the entertainment industry arrives: Harry Connick Jr, who gently brushed aside his driver to open the door for his wife Jill Goodacre. Then Alicia Keyes waving to the fans on both sides of the Red Carpet, Amarie, Rhianna, then out of a big black SUV pops a huge surprise Janet Jackson. I caught a great shot of her fixing her hair in the car window before she started up the Red Carpet to the screams of the many fans who gathered on the sidewalk and at this point began running across the 5th ave towards Ms Jackson. (Ms Jackson signed and posed for photos.)

Another SUV arrived and out popped everyone's favorite gay, Ken Paves, who's been escorting Jessica Simpson around NYC. Jessica then came out in the most awesome white dress. I was overwhelmed by the virginal Ms. Simpson and let out a primal yell to Jessica. Surprisingly she bee lined towards me, completely flustering me as she reached out to shake my hand. I then snapped an excellent photo.

Oh and Puff Daddy Diddy showed up, but isn't he everywhere?

After the party ended Bee Shaefer left with Chloe Sevigny, tripping down the stairs towards their car.

After the jump, Intern Alexis rounds up Sarah Gray, Shanon Kelley, and Chris Lehault for some hard-hitting analysis of Elizabeth's father's credit card.

Sarah Gray, frontwoman, 6-lady rockabillly outfit

What do you think Elizabeth's summer plans are?

From the sound of her responses, Betsy doesn't need to worry about such plebian concerns as paying rent, surviving on Subway sandwiches, or scrounging for Metrocards — I mean, she wants to make "booklets" for a living. She did mention a "nautical" inspiration in her look, as well as some interest in "travel," so mayhaps she'll be taking her yacht on a world tour. don't make a left turn at the red sea, Betsy — I hear Sudan's got some of those icky "war zones" you're not too interested in.

What does Elizabeth do when she wants to look a) 13 years old (getting into Disney World for free) and b) 62 years old, when she wants elder statesman discounts at the cineplex?

When she's going for the young look, she trades out the Marc Jacobs shades for those heart-shaped Lolita glasses, rolls her jean shorts up a couple more inches, trades out the yellow Bergdorf jacket for a
kindergarten-style yellow slicker, and sucks on a lollipop. When she's trying to pass for 62, she takes off that headband that's holding back all of her wrinkles, buttons up her coat, sprinkles her spare cocaine
in her hair to make it look white, and hunches over. It's surprisingly successful.

What name is on Elizabeth's fake ID?

Sienna Rothschild Moss

What do sweatpants-wearing BU students think of Elizabeth?

They likely know the truth: that she's at BU because her grandparents donated a building and she couldn't get into any of the Manhattan-area schools, despite a fine Spence education. Also, they like her because she way overpays for coke.

Shanon Kelley, NY Doll

What do you think Elizabeth's summer plans are?

I'm sure it's something involving orphans in Africa. I mean, those orphans just don't know how to shop properly. They're always buying things they don't need or would never wear - it's heartbreaking! They need an aspiring young trophy wife to teach them the ways of Bergdorf.

What does Elizabeth do when she wants to look a)13 years old (getting into DisneyWorld for free) and b) 62 years old, when she wants elder statesman discounts at the cineplex?

a) Nautical outfit
b) Nautical outfit.

What name is on Elizabeth's fake ID?

Ivana Tinkle. I'm kidding! That's the name on my fake... I'm guessing she's Louisa May Humpsalot.

What do sweatpants-wearing BU students think of Elizabeth?

Hermaphrodite. Either that, or self-involved, takes-pictures-of-her-feet photography student.

Chris Lehault, FreeNYC

What do you think Elizabeth's summer plans are?

My guess is to grab some blow and head to the Hamptons looking to starfuck and talk about how lame Boston people are. "I mean, come on... sweat pants to class? Ha! Try that in the Meat Packing District on a Friday!"

What does Elizabeth do when she wants to look a)13 years old (getting into Disney World for free) and b) 62 years old, when she wants elder statesman discounts at the cineplex?

I think she probably does the same thing and just goes, "Come on! I'm TOTALLY 13... didn't you SEE Hard Candy?" As for 62... that's a lost cause...

What name is on Elizabeth's fake ID?

Liz Beare... she paid too much for it not to have her real name on it.... maybe Lady Miss Elizabeth Beare if she's got skills.

What do sweatpants-wearing BU students think of Elizabeth?

That she's just another Upper East Side girl making NYC the east coast LA... come to one of our parties baby, we'll show you how downtown gets down... but make sure you bring that fake with you...

For no reason other than the fact that Intern Alexis has an unhealthy obsession with him, we wrangled in Project Runway contestant Andrae Gonzalo to look at this week's Look Book. You may remember Andrae from his shiny bald head, his adorable friendship with Daniel V., his free-flowing tears or his delectable galloping through revolving doors (cue montage). In honor of our quasi-famous-folk coup, we're letting Andrae's answers stand alone.

Andrae Gonzalo, Project Runway 2 contestant

Describe what sort of dance Sunhwa did for Amy Larocca and Jake Chessum.

Well, it started out slow, she was pretty depressed at first, you know, lots of sweeping gestures like a Korean cuddle fish; hunched, with knuckles scraping the floor, legs akimbo, then some convulsive shimmying. This was the point when Jake suggested something a little more elegant, and that's when the spinning started and she got severely overwhelmed with dance passion. This photo was taken right before that, and it is the only one they could salvage. I know this from personal experience because my boyfriend is a dancer/choreographer, and when the dance passion heats up, you put the camera
down.

Nicole Richie called. She wants her sunglasses back. Who would win in a catfight?

Sunhwa wins the fight, naturally. Despite the fact that you'd think Nicole might be genetically predisposed to be "dancing on the ceiling," I think Sunhwa really can. Even in this outfit, you can tell she's got some serious core strength, and a high kick that you don't want to mess with. Yep, my money's on Sunhwa. The bruises on her right ankle are a dead giveaway. I'd say she walks with Ritchie's sunglasses AND her Jimmy Choos.

Where's Andrae?

I'm on Myspace, sending this to her. I think she's one of my 'friends' there. I'm actually a huge fan of contemporary dance. I added her the same day I got friend requests from a Basque sheepherder, a Cambodian contortionist, and "live bait in Memphis." Truth be told, I actually like her style. Chalk it up to madness, or gumption, or maybe just the fact that I know what it's like to wear something colorful because it's practical, and then have images of it discussed ad nauseum on the Internet.

Lucky EIC and influential New Yorker Kim France explains, "It's a wonderful opportunity for us to share all of the riches and good taste that we put into Lucky Magazine with a lot of the celebrities who we think are most representative with Lucky's spirit." For the rest of you who, unlike celebs, actually read the magazine, you can share "all of the riches" through a $12 subscription.

Stars Shop With Lucky [Lucky]

Jaded [The Daily]

After the jump, Intern Alexis rounds up Sarah Sockit, James Gillespie, and Lauren Epstein for some crisis intervention.

Sarah Sockit, editor of TEASE

What does that adorable, camera loving pug think of Suzanne?

Not much. Standing away from the pack, clearly feeling ostracized and unloved, looking straight into the camera like a hostage on videotape, this pug is in need of, well... a hug. It's one thing to "vibe" with dogs but it becomes a problem if you're unwilling to pet them for fear of complicating a delicate balance of hand lotions, moistures, and goth face-creams. Pet the pug, for chrissake! PET THE PUG!

What's Suzanne's last name?

My junior high music teacher, Ms. Peach, claimed to be a classical violinist but we knew she really only played the folk mandolin. If she lived in New York instead of California, made jewelry instead of ceramics, and wore goth black extensions instead of macrame belts, she would have been a dog-walking punk-drummer named Suzanne. Suzanne Peach.

Suggest a name for Suzanne's all-female hardcore-slash punk band.

Pooper Skooper.

How can we brighten Suzanne up for spring?

Paisley prints and a buzz cut.

James Gillespie, translator

What does that adorable, camera loving pug think of Suzanne?

At first sight, Puggles was shocked. He knew that she was on the bitter side after being defeated by Aslan, but such a drastic change of color scheme by the Queen of Narnia was so out of character. But let's face it... After being passed from villain to villain, it's hard to shock Puggles. When I caught up with Puggles, he set down his glass of Port to gave me this statement:

"Sure, she's not as refined as Cruella... but a Queen?! Honey, snap a picture of us and hello guest lists!"

What's Suzanne's last name?

The Bush daughters are in the spotlight quite often for their "Girls of the Christian Coalition Gone Wild" video series, but let's not forget that Democrats are no less affected by the combination of mushrooms, Miller Light and cocaine than any of their Republican friends in the White House. Remember Monica Lewinski? While the public was busy wondering how Mrs. Clinton could possibly stay so strong during a marriage crisis that left a countless number of women across the world emotionally destroyed and lost, Hillary was at a Parliament concert canoodling with mind-altering substances and another Clinton... George. Nine months later, Suzanne was born. The obvious
sister of Chelsea and daughter of George, Suzanne's last name is Clinton.

Suggest a name for Suzanne's all-female hardcore-slash punk band.

"Lamb of God." Didn't she mention to the journalist that it was a Christian act? Yes, banished from the United States at the age of three and raised in the Amazon, Suzanne was later found and saved by Catholic missionaries just outside of Colombia. Front woman Twila Paris later drifted to form a solo career.

How can we brighten Suzanne up for spring?

That all depends on the pets of her latest clients. Gossip from the office of Youth Therapists for Neglected Children at the Church of Satan has it that Suze's spring look is "canine." Her new label, Poochie, is still in a legal battle with Matthew Williamson in one of the first debates over homonym law. (Sorry, Puggles.)

Lauren Epstein, writer

What does that adorable, camera-loving pug think of Suzanne?

I never thought I'd miss Paris and Nicole — and yet again, I'm proved wrong.

What's Suzanne's last name?

Wildenstein.

Suggest a name for Suzanne's all-female hardcore-slash-punk band.

Camille Paglia Overdrive.

Suzanne's get-up is a little dreary. How can we brighten Suzanne up for spring?

Grey lipstick.

After the jump, Intern Alexis asks Lydia Turner, Mark Sable, and Naomi Nevitt to dig beneath Wilder's well-polished exterior.

Lydia Turner, intern, Renaissance Man Magazine

What does Desmond really smell like?

Desmond and his co-editor De'Angelo James will be expanding the Renaissance Man brand to include a fragrance. R Man . It doesn't drop until fall '06, but here's what they've got so far for the back of the box: "R Man is an intoxicatingly masculine symphony of mandarin, sable and deep musk, subtly blended with lighter, fresher notes of self-delusion and gaudy desperation. Please discontinue use if rash occurs."

Desmond says that his comfort is his scarf and pocket square. What other physical objects does he find comfort in?

A Renaissance Man must possess not only innate talent, but fierce dedication to his craft and acute organizational skills. Desmond relies on the dry erase board by his desk to help manage his time, and to bolster him during his often stressful workday. Upon arriving at the office this morning he popped the cap off a fresh marker and wrote this list with anassertive flourish:

to do today:
make deals
eliminate all non-shiny items from wardrobe*
look up term "Renaissance Man"

*priority

Pitch a story to "Renaissance Man."

My story is an in-depth examination of high-end contemporary menswear, titled "Renaissance Man Style, or Essential Status Symbols Available for Purchase in North Bergen, New Jersey." I will explore such important questions as: "What most becomes the adventurous and discerning minority trendsetter?" and "Commanding respect in the boardroom: the power of the exposed chest"

Mark Sable, writer

What does Desmond real