The New York Times has the whole...sad? Incredible? Tale of Francisco Hernandez, who—after being warned by his mom that she needed to have a serious talk with him about his performance at school—hopped on a subway train with ten dollars in his pocket and just rode the rails. For eleven f'ing days, before a transit cop recognized his face from a poster. Man.

No one spoke to him. Asked if he saw any larger meaning in that, he said, "Nobody really cares about the world and about people."

Good lord, it's too much. Say hello to a stranger on the subway today. (But not a crazy one.)
[Pic via]

Ad Age breaks down the impending crisis: McDonald's has 32,158 "restaurants," as they call them. Subway has nearly 32,000, and it's gaining fast.

The average U.S. McDonald's had about $2.3 million in sales last year; the average Subway made about $445,000, according to Technomic.

Yea Subway, call us when you have like 165,000 stores. Then we'll talk. And 'Starbucks?' McD's pisses on you too. You cannot defeat the American Middlebrow.
[Pic via]

It's truly a new world. Remember that weird anti-terrorism raid in Queens on Monday that no one was talking about? Well, the Daily News says it was an attempt to break up an Al Qaeda cell that might be planning an attack on New York City's subways, and that the FBI has dispatched it's "elite hostage rescue squad" here to stage more raids. And the Colorado man whose visit to Queens sparked the whole thing is now back at home near Denver, chatting with reporters in his apartment and talking with his lawyer about holding a press conference to declare his innocence.

Fearful of a Madrid-style subway train bombing, authorities are poised to make more raids to seize bomb-making materials at locations in Queens, sources said Wednesday.

The FBI's elite Hostage Rescue Squad arrived in New York in anticipation of the offensive to thwart a Denver-based terror cell with ties to Al Qaeda, police sources told the Daily News.

The paper says yesterday's actions were precipitated by a visit to Queens from Najibullah Zazi, a Colorado airport shuttle driver of Afghan descent who had been under e-mail and wiretap surveillance and is allegedly suspected of plotting to attack the subway system. Anonymous law enforcement sources told the paper that they found documents on bomb-making in the rental car Zazi used to drive to New York last weekend; the FBI has warned local police departments to be on the lookout for signs of peroxide-based bombs.

So where is Zazi? At home in Denver, giving quotes to reporters at his door:

"No. Of course, I'm not a terrorist," the 25-year-old Afghan national said Tuesday.

[snip]

A bearded and barefoot Zazi, standing in the doorway of his apartment, said he's a hard-working airport shuttle driver who is married and lives with his elderly parents in the Denver suburb.

"I didn't know anything about who was following me," Zazi said of reports he is under surveillance by the FBI.

Asked why he left New York City, where he was raised since moving to Flushing, Queens, as a child, Zazi said, "I left New York because it's hard to live there; the rent is too expensive." We hear you, brother.

We don't know what to make of it. It's just so damn strange when our law enforcement institutions act deliberately, lawfully, and without sowing panic as a political strategy. It's so gratifying to know that the man at the center of a terrorism investigation wasn't immediately hooded, drugged via suppository, and strapped to the floor of a C-130 for a flight to Romania. "Given some of the course that has happened in this country in recent years, he was more worried that he would be swooped into the back of a van and that he wouldn't be able to speak to a lawyer or family," Zazi's attorney told the AP. "I told him our government doesn't have that policy any more."

We have to confess that when we hear "Madrid-style attack" and "New York City subway," we instinctively go to our inner Cheney. But this is what we've been talking about for the past eight years—a reasoned response to terror threats that doesn't throw our laws and Constitution out the window. If the FBI had the goods on Zazi, we presume they would have acted on it. In the meantime, we will get on the F train to go home tonight and hope we know what we've been talking about for all these years.

Oh, and if you want to know how he looked: He looked awesome. That is all. Awesome. Got off at Union Square.

Someone decided to document said phenomenon on Craigslist for us! The poster in question is clearly a well-to-do Brooklyn philanthropy oriented type. She offers to help the man get his penis back in his pants, with her friends! And maybe a photograph of him on the internet might help it stay there, no? Here's the post:

After only one stop I looked up from a rousing game on my phone to see that you appeared to be in great pain because your face was contorted. Upon second glance I noticed the problem..Your penis was trying to escape from your pants!

Clearly it had found its' way through your zipper (I can only imagine the pain that caused) and wiggled away from your grasp. In fact, it was already making a break for it! I saw it hiding behind your man-purse where no one could see but me. You struggled to grip it in your hand very tightly in what must have been a valiant effort to contain the beast, every time you pulled it back a little it would escape further and with more force. I admire you, it's not easy - I'm a woman and I know those things can be hard to handle. Still, I was shocked. The penises I've come in contact with were always much more domesticated and happy with their owners - is yours unhappy with you?

Maybe you were pleading with me for help, because you were staring at me quite intently. I met your eyes and while I wanted to speak - to cry out and tell everyone of the trouble you were having - I had no words. However, a picture is worth a thousand words and so I thought I would snap one on my phone so I could warn the world of your unruly penis.

Your penis must be camera shy because once it realized a picture had been taken it receded to the safety of your slacks once again and you quickly ran off the train at Atlantic Street/Pacific Ave- no doubt to go discipline it - or maybe to go to a hospital and have it drugged. I don't really know.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

While the Craigslist poster nor the man in the picture have been identified, we'd like both to come forward if they wish, certainly one more than the other. Craigslist poster: you're a wonderful, fun writer! And it was so kind of you to charitably offer to help that nice man on the subway.

Other person: you're a fucking dirtbag, and I can assure you that if I or my friends see you on the subway, your penis will be kicked very hard to ensure that it stays where it belongs, or at the very least, someone's gonna call an MTA cop. Also, girls don't give a fuck about your peen; it's old and disgusting and you're certainly not going to help its cause by doing this. But you'll give us great material! So: carry on, I guess!

You dropped your penis, I snapped a picture [Craigslist]

There she is, see, pictured sitting on the subway, conveniently underneath a big poster that says "99 cents does more," which gave the Post all the angle it needed. "Something something rich lady under the 99 cent sign not looking so good now with your grey hair, EH?"

"Are you having fun embarrassing me — and ruining my life?" she angrily snapped at a Post photographer.

This is the most dramatic Ruth Madoff clash with the media since she ventured out to buy some cheese in March.

[NYP. Pic: Caitlin Thome for the NY Post]

The special sponsorship with Subway is enabling NBC to bring back the series, executives said, in a deal they described as made possible by a decision to go to advertisers earlier than usual in what NBC called the "infront," to ask for ideas about interweaving brands into shows.

You read that correctly: the fucking Subway product placement is enabling this show to be on TV, period. All the other stuff in there is just extra low fat mayo. How hardcore is NBC willing to get here? Hardcore to the bone:

"Chuck" appealed to Subway for reasons that included its audience, which is mostly the type of younger consumer that buys a lot of subs at malls. The show takes place in a mall, and Chuck's girlfriend, Sarah, is a C.I.A. agent who works under cover at various stands in the food court.

It is no great leap to believe she could be selling Subway sandwiches next season. An NBC executive said discussions have been under way about the specifics of the tie-in.

We hope you're very happy about the success of your "Buy a Subway Sandwich to Save NBC's 'Chuck!'" campaign now. Sandwich whores.
[NYT]

On Monday, in Penn Station, some dude fell on the tracks and totally knocked himself out. Chad Lindsey, proofreader and aspiring smoldering actor, jumped onto the tracks and hauled the man up, then jumped up himself before the train came. Instead of waiting around for a book deal, he just went ahead and got on the next train and left. Modest, selfless, and a sense of humor as well!

He looked back up at the people on the platform. "I yelled, ‘Contact the station agent and call the police!' which I think is hilarious because I don't think I ever said ‘station agent' before in my life. What am I, on ‘24'?"

You may be sooner than you think, my friend! Chad is 33, and sports a strong jaw and tousled hair. He's currently appearing in Kaspar Hauser off Broadway, but he's no neophyte—according to the internet, he's previously had roles on "How I Met Your Mother," MTV's "Undressed," and "Totally Sexy Loser." Among others!

Chad is also a minor sex symbol to his IMDB fans ("Plot Keywords: Gay Interest | Gay Kiss | Fear Of Commitment | Gay Sex"), and, as one asserts, "Chad Lindsey Rocks. Rocks Hard."

He certainly does! Here's his highlight reel. Give him some work, why don't you?

[Email us, Chad!]

Subway, which initially said it would drop Phelps, is now sticking by him. Kellogg is not planning to renew Phelps's contract, but as stoners attempt to organize a Kellogg boycott (that should be entertaining to watch), Kellogg is now claiming it never said anything bad about Phelps. Oh? On Friday, spokeswoman Susanne Norwitz said:

Michael's most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract.

That's what Kellogg said to the press. But to pot smokers avid consumers outraged over Kellogg's decision? The apologetic emails tell another story:

Thank you for contacting us regarding Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps and our decision not to extend his contract.

We regret that the intent of our message was not clear. The contract was set to expire the end of February and with Michael's obligations to us met, our decision not to extend the contract was for business reasons and in no way diminishes Michael's status as an athlete. We believe Michael has set a tremendous example through his work ethic and his accomplishments and are proud to have been associated with him.

The timing of this unfortunate incident and the end of the contract is purely coincidental. Again, thank you for the opportunity to share the facts of this situation.

Sincerely,

Kathi Eckler

Director, Consumer Affairs

Even the Associated Press isn't sure what to make of Phelps. Despite the photographic evidence of Phelps with a bong tightly pressed against its lips, the AP killed a story which mentioned Phelps as using marijuana. These notices are meant only to go to newsrooms, but Google News's AP-article posting algorithm has not been programmed to take that into account:

AP kills Phelps Kellogg story
1 day ago
EDITORS:
The Portland, Ore., story Phelps-Kellogg has been killed. Phelps has not acknowledged smoking marijuana or inhaling from a marijuana pipe.
A kill is mandatory.
Make certain the story is not published.
A substitute story will be filed shortly.

(Actual Phelps merman photo via Dudeflesh)

The sandwich chain is yanking Phelps off its website. He's no longer "buzzworthy," ironically. Current and cached screen grabs:

The company hasn't made any announcements yet, but according to Buzznewsroom:

However, in de-linking all references to Michael Phelps, this is Subway corporate as they prepare for dropping their sponsorship. Our insider told us Subway execs are pissed off, talking to legal, want their endorsement money returned - and to "get rid of this embarrassment."

Also ironic: Phelps signed on with Subway last November, partly to shake off the bad PR he got for signing up with McDonald's and Kellogg, which people said weren't healthy. (All those people were probably smoking weed). The deal was supposed to extend through 2012. But now it looks like that Jared-Phelps coalition will never come together.

Fools. Taco Bell is open later, anyhow.

Let us demonstrate just what Subway's missing out on (courtesy Gawker video artiste Richard Blakeley):

Update: Perhaps Subway has taken our advice. While Phelps still isn't listed as one of their "Buzzworthy" celebs (leaving whoever Ryan Howard is as their top spokesthlete) they issued this statement: "Like most Americans, and like Michael Phelps himself, we were disappointed in his behavior. Also like most Americans, we accept his apology. Moving forward, he remains in our plans." Feel free to use our redesigned page when you reinstate Phelps, Subway.

"The difference is that Michael Jordan only played in one brand of shoes, while Michael [Phelps] has consistently been forthcoming about his love for a variety of different foods and a variety of different quick-service restaurants," [Phelps' agent] said. "There was tremendous interest in that category well beyond McDonald's and Subway."

You hear that, McD's? Michael Phelps will endorse as many fucking fast food companies as he wants! The strong upside for Phelps is that he can now firmly claim to be endorsing a healthy product. The downside: this will make his nerd problem even worse:

Mr. Pace said he could forsee a commercial with pitchman Jared Fogle and Mr. Phelps together, one with a healthful foot-long and the other with several foot-long sandwiches. "And Michael might say, 'I need to eat more than you do, Jared,' and Jared could say, 'But at least I've got you eating right.'"

God, such a nerd. Michael, your next call should be to the Trojan corporation. [Ad Age; pic via MSNBC]

[via Flickr]

[via Neatorama]

The official, identified as Edward Brownbear, also reported seeing the bugs on wooden benches at the Union Square and Fordham Road stations in Manhattan and The Bronx, respectively.

Sharis Lugo, 20, of Brooklyn leaped off a bench at the Union Square station when she heard the news, saying, "Ewww! That's nasty . . . They've got to take these benches out of here!"

Yes! And burn them, maybe along with McKibbin Lofts and all the subway cars! And all clothes within city limits!

Or, you know, just sleep with a flashlight next to your bed. FOREVER.

[Post]

(Image via Wikipedia)

"'It's a very good idea. It's like a deterrent. It's going to make me feel safer, much safer, yes it will. It's a good idea,' said commuter Patricia Knight Williams." CBS doesn't mention whether she's a high-functioning autistic but we can infer from her statement that she is, at the very least, an idiot.

New York is inching its way toward becoming London, with closed-circuit surveillance cameras (some of them talk to you!) on every street corner and in any subway station, the threat of national ID cards, and shit like this. Not to mention the high prices and early pub closing!

The increasing paramilitarism of domestic police officers is a cause often taken up by cranks and nuts, but the more serious ones have good research and arguments that should make even the most government-happy liberal nervous. Here's a nice little map of botched SWAT raids by police departments across the nation, often carried out against nonviolent offenders, always using high-powered weaponry and violent tactics.

"Torch Teams" "toting MP5 submachine guns and M4 Carbine rifles that are used by Navy seals" investigating every station and car every day seems a bit more Baghdad than "serving and protecting."

And we just don't trust cops. They arrested Sheila! (The dogs are cute, though.)

[via Guest of a Guest]

"You: petite very cute looking african american female on at 116th or 110th sts i believe and some guy was harrassing you, watched the entire incident cause i was on the train as well and informed two police officers who then entered the car and removed him so that you were safe and then u got off at times square."

[Subway Crush]