A French monkey went on a week-long chocolat bender in Marseilles last week, terrorizing school children and eluding inspectors in the best animal crime to hit France since the Pink Panther.

There are lots of scary things about Halloween: Ghosts (human), ghosts (animal), zombies (real), and throngs of college students (drunk). But, as John Oliver points out, perhaps the most terrifying is the $2 billion worth of candy (plus some Necco wafers) that Americans will consume in celebration of the holiday.

If you are the hopeful, "never say die" sort of person who consumes artificial sweeteners in your diet in order to lower your sugar intake, allow me to inform you that you may have been accomplishing the opposite of what you wanted, all this time. Burn.

One of America's favorite foods (after partially hydrogenated soybean oil) is sugar, which is a poison to the human body. You will all be pained to hear that the World Health Organization has just halved the acceptable amount of sugar in your diet.

Good news for America's growing ranks of poor people already plagued by heart disease and diabetes: Twinkies, the industrial spooge-tube cakes that will never become stale, will now be sold by discount retailer Big Lots at up to 40% less than grocery store prices.

You, the consumer, demand that every artificially hydrogenated preservative-laced concoction that you consume be sweet as a honeybee's tits. You, the consumer, also demand that your sweet nectar be free of "calories," nature's survival mechanism. You, the consumer, have found a new fake sugar to love!

Drug enforcement officials stopped a North Korean vessel on its way through the Panama Canal Monday, only to find sophisticated missile material "hidden in a consignment of sugar."

If you're as American as I assure you I am, don't even look it up, then you can't be limited to just regular old sugar. Regular sugar is white, but "this land is your land" (multicultural). When you get a mighty hunger after driving your pickup truck to the American football games, nothing will hit that "sweet spot"…

Sugar cereal! Plan B! Nocturnal diabetes! Elderly presidents! Breast cancer! Parkinson's dancing! Bedbug breeding! Marathon hearts! And America's most and least healthy states, revealed! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—grrrrreatly!

Fat running! Bad vitamins! Low tuberculosis! Peanut allergies! Woman chocolate! Restless legs! Baby talk! Cereal sugar! And your child's selfishness is all too astounding! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—fruitlessly!

For too long, Hispanic Americans have been forced to tolerate a world in which artificial food products were not advertised to them with satisfactory ferocity. No longer. You Spanish-speakin' people want some dang Kool Aid? We gotcher Kool Aid!

As you know, everything you eat is bad for you, unless you are eating leafy green vegetables. But, we learn this weekend from The New York Times Magazine's Gary Taubes, sugar is extra-bad for you. Like, cigarettes-level bad for you.

Cindy Mauro, half of the sexxxy lesbian teacher duo fired from a Brooklyn high school for a-lezz-edly sexing in a classroom, has filed a wrongful termination lawsuit, just as fellow-teacher Alini Brito did last week. Must they do everything together?

Vitamin sleep! Radiation babies! Sugar cereal! Fat Scots! Hotel workouts! Soda tax! Alzheimer's explanations! And the war on drugs pays off! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—if you can call it that!

Are you one of those Coca-Cola snobs, who will only drink Mexican Coke because it's made with cane sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup? (I am.) You may be the victim of the biggest food cover-up in years!

Scientists on vacation! Sickos on the internet! Studies on sex! Studies on babies! Smelling on Gladiators! Beets on drugs! Science on artichokes! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—five senses at a time!