When necessary, our dormant fitness column, "I of the Tiger," will return in order to address urgent fitness issues which demand a timely reckoning. This is one of those times.

This New York Times article yesterday about a Manhattan gym that caters to billionaires and business titans contains this bit of braggadocio from one of the gym's members:

In this world, there are many ways to exercise. Some are actual sports; others are specific types of exercise; all will make you sweat, somehow. We have ranked them in scientific order, based on the following criteria: Physical Difficulty; Amount That You Would Be Humiliated If You Tried to Just Waltz In and Do Them…

Like a lazy kid scribbling his homework on the school bus, all the so-called "fitness experts" are stepping off their "Bosu balls" and putting down the "health food" to draw up some "year in fitness" articles. As if. Celebrity veganism? Old people walking more? Okay, grandma, sure thing. That article will go well with…

For years, nay, decades, public health scolds have tried and tried to politely inform the American people that drinking gallon upon gallon of Fanta cola in lieu of water could have negative health effects, including but not limited to the fact that we as a nation are now enormous. But! Now, public health advocates…

Heart exercise! Male infertility! Blood transfusion! Belly fat! Boomer exercise! Smashing drumsticks! Fidget fitness! UFC games! And the Ultimate Fitness System, revealed! It's your Tuesday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—begrudgingly!

Oxy challenges! Dog watching! Jillian Michaels! School health-lunch! Sunscreen changes! Syphilis babies! Stroke prevention! Chantix problems! And people everywhere trying super workout programs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—childishly!

Never, ever, take fitness advice from the New York Times. We've made this point before. They're always spouting off about getting "thin" with some sort of limp-wristed jogging workout. In neon shorts. In Central Park. When you're not skiing, in Aspen, and then reading the New York Times by a roaring fire, in a resort,…

Saving smiles! Tainted IVs! Hep C! Water balls! Baby babble! No births! College hookups! And super secret squats! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but just as a friend!

Sports brain! Sweat for the boss! Inclusive fitness! Kardashian role model! Exercise motivation! Mismatches! One-legged wrestlers! And the abject failure of squats! It's time for your Wednesday Fitness Watch.

"Abs in a Box." Abs in a tube. Ab makeup. Ab surgery. America! Abdicate your ab addiction!

Huh, says here that fitness superstar Perez Hilton is starting a new site about fitness, "FitPerez" dotcom. (Perez has "four trainers," after all). We've scored this exclusive pic of the new site's content, below.

Drunk in the gym! Greedy-ass yoga! Ab assistance! Chocolate for your health! Pro athletes without athletics! And the Twitter diet, phase two! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—but not in that skeevy David Barton way!

When people get fit it causes "permanent structural changes in the muscle," which makes them "remember" this strength. So, get strong now, slack off for 50 years, then work out right before you die. Your corpse will be jacked.

Who says that Americans are a bunch of lazy suckers who believe that they can get in shape only by purchasing video games and fancy gizmos? Now, Americans know they must instead purchase magic swimsuits and pseudoscientific shoes. Fitness ahoy!

Australian fitness class participants: are they listening to pop music authentic enough to get them pumped? Alas, the answer may be "no." Because in Australia—whether it's cardio-kickboxing, spinning, or some other bullshit—it's set to Britney cover tunes.

Laughter yoga. Nazi yoga. Donation yoga with Dave Matthews playing in the background. Thank you, yoga. That's enough.

The lead story in the New York Times Magazine's wellness issue this past weekend: "Does working out really help you lose weight?" A better question: Why doesn't the New York Times want to tell you the fitness truth?

Injuries are nothing! Soda is nothing! Ab rollers are nothing! Our quote of the day will strengthen you! It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch fitness—while deadlifting properly!

When you go to work out should you be all focused and intense and hardcore, or should you just be flipping through some magazine on the elliptical, while sexting? Well, look at it this way: Do you want to die?