Gawker: Super Squats

Times Gym Teacher: Sweat Is Your Friend

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:40:43 EDT

I've long wondered why the New York Times, perhaps the world's most sophisticated news-gathering operation, writes articles about fitness that would be an embarrassment to a fifth-grade PE class. Really now. Times readers were certainly grateful that the paper of record brought its unparalleled resources to bear to answer imponderables like "Does Weight Lifting Make A Better Athlete?", or "Should we stretch?" But perhaps such questions would better be left to, you know, the sense god gave a rock. I know the media wants us all fat and broke so we consume more media, but come on. Well, fuck it. I give up. Today they reveal that sweat cools you off:

I'll save you the trouble of reading this:

1. Sweat makes you cool.

2. When it is hot you get hot.

3. After a while you get used to it.

I challenge you to find another salient point in that article. In the meantime, get with the program, people:

Your Health

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 20 May 2008 12:46:54 EDT

Nintendo's hotly anticipated Wii Fit hits US stores today. The $90 plastic board, which Americans will stand upon while bobbing up and down and staring at various exercise-themed electronic games, is expected to sell 3 million units this year. Meanwhile, Americans consume 20% more calories than a generation ago, and Super Squats is only #96,797 in Amazon's book rankings. God.

The Media Wants You Fat And Broke!

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:51:49 EDT

First, the media implants an unattainable idea in our heads about what a human body should look like. Then, on top of that, popular publications give confusing advice about how to achieve that impossibly cut look! In the last couple of days, the lying liberal media has published several articles on various fitness techniques. You don't need to read any of them, because we're about to round them all up and drop some serious knowledge on you about the phony, media-driven fitness fantasy. After the jump, how to save money and kick ass in this shallow, workout-obsessed world.

Let's examine three fitness programs profiled in the last two days:

1. Crossfit, via the NYT—CrossFit is an internet-based cult of fitness for psychos, itinerant preachers, ex-killers, and crazy people of all stripes. I have met some people who do CrossFit, and they are scarily in shape and also not at all fun to be around. All you have to do is complete the psycho workout routine posted online every day. Sample, from Friday:

For time:
15 Handstand push-ups
1 L Pull-up
13 Handstand push-ups
3 L Pull-ups
11 Handstand push-ups
5 L Pull-ups
9 Handstand push-ups
7 L Pull-ups
7 Handstand push-ups
9 L Pull-ups
5 Handstand push-ups
11 L Pull-ups
3 Handstand push-ups
13 L Pull-ups
1 Handstand push-up
15 L Pull-ups

Post time to comments.

Seriously, just forget CrossFit. It will make you insane.

2. Gyrotonics, via the NY Sun—Gyrotonics is based on a huge, complicated machine that is specially designed to extract money from the wallets of idly rich women. It looks like this:

The hustle is that you have to go to some particular specialist on this particular machine to help you unlock its magical potential, while you pay them handsomely for their secret knowledge. Here's another idea: grab a towel, pull it till your shoulders feel stretched out, then go run stairs until you're in shape. Fuck gyrotonics.

3. "Hollywood's Dirty Diet Secrets," via the NYDN—finally, something real. Also, sick. Did you know Hollywood starlets go on crazy crash diets which consist mostly of smoking, drinking coffee, and doing coke, supplemented only by lettuce or boiled eggs or lemonade or something equally ridiculous? Yes, you probably did know that. Combining laxative tea with fasting and five-hour daily workouts reportedly produces some real results. The downside is that you will be totally dead pretty quick. But yes, you will leave a pretty corpse.

What does it really take to get fit? Nothing more than an iron will, the Eye of the Tiger, buckets of sweat, hours of pain, days of hope, years of conquest, and THIS:

Fat Food Critic Has Death Wish

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 09:51:29 EDT

Did you know that people who write about food for a living tend to be fatties? It's true! Except for the Times' dreamy James Bond of gastronomy, Frank Bruni. The point is that some food critics have realized that scarfing down daily heapings of pork bellies and passing it off as a professional expense is no guarantee they won't keel over from a heart attack, and is a guarantee they will have a hard time seeing their own genitals. Even pork-loving wild man Mario Batali is threatening to start exercising! By chasing a greased sow in his Crocs, perhaps. But even while some of the wiser gluttons are easing back, says the Times, their stupider brethren—embodied by one man—just can't stop with the sausage:

"I think enjoyment of food has never proven to be harmful to anyone's health," said Mr. [Steven] Shaw, who turned from practicing law to writing about food in the late 1990s with an article for salon.com defending fat guys. He still cultivates a persona in print and online as The Fat Guy, and at 5-foot-10 weighs about 270 pounds.
Mr. Shaw said he believes the genetic component of weight and health matter more than moderation and exercise. Although his father died from heart disease, he thinks that the state of medical knowledge on the relationship of diet to health changes so frequently that it can't be trusted.

Some of his views about diet and health border on the extreme. "I think the whole diabetes thing is a major hoax," he said. "They are overdiagnosing it."

In other words: "I am an idiot." Steven Shaw is plodding towards a meat-induced coma, the timing of which will surely be directly correlated to how much he continues to spout delusional health advice. The self-imposed decline of a man's health is a sad thing to watch, I say as I light a cigarette. In any case, if Shaw does decide to turn his life around, there is only one clear strategy for success:

Times Gym Teacher: Must We Stretch?

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 09:56:30 EDT

The newest entrant in the New York Times' strangely pedestrian fitness beat is today's piece asking, "To Stretch or Not to Stretch?" Short answer: If you're a gymnast or swimmer, yes; if you're a distance runner, no; for other activities, it's still an open question. So if you eliminate backflips and butterfly strokes from your workout routine, you can probably get away with no stretching at all, until a scientist tells you better. We just saved you so much time. How about the Times doing us all a favor by dispensing with this nonsense and replacing its entire Fitness & Nutrition section with nothing but empty white space and one single Amazon link to THIS:

'You Kids Go Play Outside,' Say Scientists

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 17:37:32 EST

A breakthrough study from the Society of Medical Researchers Who Didn't Think Up a Study Topic Until the Very Last Minute has found that limiting the amount of time your fattie kids sit on their ass watching TV or playing on the internet could help them lose weight! Kids tended to eat less junk food when they were forced to get off their ass and do something else, the study determined [WSJ]. One doctor is recommending parents get some kind of electronic device that limits brain-numbing time per week for children. We wholeheartedly support this effort to whip these no-account kids today into shape. Junk food and TV are not the way to go. There is only one safe and effective way to gain weight:

It's great!