Hello, there is a new survey out telling us EVERYTHING about the proud freshman class of Harvard. What are they like, these young, sexually frustrated leaders?

Another day, another huge survey of American couples reinforcing the fact that you are weird, unlovable, and never getting laid, just like everyone else. We want to flag one SHOCKING sex factoid (sextoid), amid all the other shocking sextoids in this humdrum survey.

When there's nothing else to feel proud of, at least you can tell yourself, "Hey, I am an above-average American book reader, god damn it." Are you? Here are the latest stats, from the Pew Research Center:

I don't know why you would, but don't go thinking that a government job will make you happy. It will not. I mean, maybe it will. I don't know your life. But I do know that tons of government workers hate their jobs, just like you.

There's a new survey about yoga in America. (Pause for applause). It's put out by Yoga Journal—the very embodiment of Big Yoga—so I wouldn't put too much credence in it myself, but hey, you never know what you internet readers will believe.

The up-and-coming young "Millennial" generation, comprised of a bunch of soup-slurping microbloggers who mistakenly believe that they are creating rather than following trends, is ready to accept it distinction as the biggest bunch of sellouts coolest generation that history has yet produced. They have an inherent…

Interesting news: a new survey of affluent Americans making over $250K per year found that "49% of respondents said they don't expect their saving or investment plans to change in 2013 no matter who wins the presidential election." They're not worried a bit, one way or another. Isn't that weird?

Organized religion in America is on the decline. The Church—any church, all churches, the omniscient "Church" representing all organized religious institutions—holds less allure for a new generation of American adults. This is a fact, not a supposition. The Church, though far from gone, is an institution of the past.

To briefly recap: America is currently in a student loan bubble, holding an unimaginably huge amount of student debt, as delinquency of loan payments swells, and even the well-off question whether they can afford college. It would seem, then, rather obvious that student loan debt is too big. Surprise: the people who…

Though we tend to knock the younger generation, at least they possess enough sense to understand the sobering reality of their situation: they will never achieve what they want, and their lives, such as they are, will be an endless series of battles against disappointment. Cheers to the young for their realism. More…

Well well well, despite a lot of cheap jokes from certain precincts of the internet where unhappy people dwell, it turns out that people who graduate from college with degrees in easy, fake fields may, in fact, be the smart ones after all.

Oh heck, a new survey says that going to the movies is a "frequent source of entertainment" for only 3% of your fellow Americans. Three dang percent. What the hey are you doing with your time now, Americans? Masturbating? Where, and in what ways? Do you have pictures? That's not the point. The point is that the movies…

What the hell do the shiftless/ worthless kids these days want, when they're not beating up babies and playing on train tracks? The vapid young sellouts are, quite predictably, all about makin' that MOOLAH$$$$CA$$$HMONEY$$$$. Are "The Millennials" way more materialistic than your generation? U bet!

Doctors are way less into being doctors than they were a year ago, according to an annual survey conducted by Medscape. When asked if they would choose a career in medicine again, only 54 percent said yes — down from 69 percent last year.

According to a new study from the ASPCA, most people select which puppy to adopt based on physical appearance; for cats, the top criteria is "behavior with people." That's because cats are assholes.

Uhhhhhh. Ugggghhhh. Ummmmmmfffff. Dude we were like... what time is it? Fuck. Morning in America already?

Young people: will they ever stop evincing their painful ignorance of life's fundamentally tragic nature? Everybody old enough to pay taxes and be killed in a foreign war should understand that what we call "life" is nothing but an endless treadmill of mind-numbing and unfulfilling work followed shortly thereafter by…