Susan Boyle, who underwent a mental health hospitalization after narrowly losing Britain's Got Talent, is back in action and on the verge of another nervous collapse, if the Daily Mail and some peculiar photos are to be believed.

The 48-year-old had been enjoying lunch with fans at the Rock Centre cafe in New York's Rockefeller Centre.

But she appeared increasingly withdrawn and started to tremble and suck her thumb. Then, visibly overcome with emotion, she bowed her head and began to sob.

Perhaps realising she was crying in front of hundred of fans—and the cameras—Susan quickly snapped out of it and performed a lively dance.

A spokesman for Miss Boyle said: 'She was just overjoyed and extremely touched with the reception she had had from everyone in America.'

So "overjoyed" that she regressed into a childlike state, then performed what may well have been the most tragic cry-for-help survival dance ever to grace New York? (We'd have to do a side-by-side comparison with Ashlee Simpson's post-lip sync SNL hoe down to be sure.)

Susan's debut album is already the biggest advance seller in history, and is on track to leave the year's current U.S. debut-week bestseller—Eminem's appropriately named Relapse—in the dust. The Mirror reports that Boyle is going to take a break: The album is already selling like crazy, and she really doesn't need to promote it any further. She's made enough money to provide a comfortable life for herself and Pebbles, to lavish her loved ones, and to finance as many trips to the local karaoke bar as her heart desires. Break free while you still can, Susan! Before Lohanian death spiral sucks you in for good.

[The Daily Mail]
[The Mirror]

According to UNICO National, the new reality show "relies on crude stereotypes and highlights cursing, bad behavior and violence in depicting renters at a New Jersey beach house." Sort of proves the old adage about stereotypes: They put little kernels of truth into an air popper to make delicious, bigoted popcorn. [THR]

•TLC's "Jon & Kate Plus 8" got a big farewell for its last episode ever. 4.3 million people watched the reality television equivalent of a tow truck finally dragging a mangled car out from the quarry into which it had started plummeting nearly three years ago. [NYT]

•GLAAD is SAAD that Adam Lambert wasn't allowed to perform on ABC's "Good Morning America because of his face-humping antics. "Some music performances, regardless of the sexual orientation of the performer, are tailored for a prime time audience but not for a morning show audience," read a statement. (Lambert was booked instead on CBS' "Early Show".) [NYT]

•The revolutionary new, interactive "Avatar" trailer is to regular trailers as a video game is to a movie, except imagine that video game consisted only of being able to click "hot spots" on a picture with your mouse, which plays little movie clips. [The Wrap]

•The TV Guide Channel is showing a documentary on ugly-woman-with-a-pretty-voice Susan Boyle on Dec. 13. Which makes that YouTube video of Susan Boyle singing the first viral video adapted into a made-for-TV documentary. [The Wrap]

•"You can prick your finger but you can't finger your prick...": George Carlin's classic comedy album "Class Clown" is one of 25 recordings being introduced into the Grammy Hall of Fame. Also: The Beach Boys' "California Girls". [LA Times]

• The way we live now: Everyone has a sex tape, but nobody thinks his sex tape counts. Creed frontman Scott Stapp says a tape of him and Kid Rock getting blow jobs from groupies on a 1999 tour bus shouldn't count. What's more, things got totally awkward between the Christian rocker and not-Christian rocker after their simultaneous orgasms: "He adds that he and Rock used to be friends, but 'haven't sat down face to face since the incident.'" [P6]
• 
  
• Jon and Kate's divorce is nearly complete, having finished a binding arbitration this weekend wherein Jon relinquished primary custody of the kids, meaning Plus Eight only have one parent left to evade before they begin their second, much happier lives as the new boxcar children. Apparently Jon brought a bouquet of long-stemmed roses to the divorce arbitration, probably because he heard the paparazzi would be there. Kate rejected the roses, despite Jon's lawyer saying "This has been called the real-life 'War of the Roses.'" As far as I'm concerned, only two good things have come of this relationship: (1) the word "mantrum" (2) Christian Siriano being forced to reevaluate his hairdo [TMZ] [NYDN]
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• Katie Holmes took Suri to see The Lion King last night, and if X17's photos are any indication, then Suri was either (a) scared of the scary animals (b) tired from staying up late (c) terrorized by the flashing strobes of skeezy paparazzi who yell her name and take her picture everywhere she goes. [X17]
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• An explosion of female overtook Robert Pattinson at the Bowery Hotel bar this weekend! The poor, beleaguered actor whose movie just earned hundreds of millions "wouldn't even look up as [his fans] walked by," either because they scare him or because he is ashamed that his only claim to fame is playing an old, undead guy who never got laid. [NYDN]
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• Zac Efron's career goal is to star in a remake of The Graduate, but if he can't get cougar tail, he'll settle for Daniel Craig. "I'd love to be a Bond baddie," Zefron squeaked. He also says he's really glad that Robert Pattinson is distracting "female attention" away from him. Between this and Pattinson's admission that Zefron leaves him speechless, females should really be beside the point here. Make out already, you two! [ShowBizSpy]
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• Ms. Universe 2008, Dayana Sabrina Mendoza Moncada, just hired a New Jersey lawyer to get her American citizenship. American reality television welcomes you with open arms, Dayana. [P6]
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• A dapper Susan Boyle touched down at JFK yesterday and will perform live on today's Today show, where she will inevitably sing that one same song, which is her melodic version of Miss Havisham's old wedding dress. [ShowBizSpy]
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Osbourne, who judges the American version of Britain's Got Talent, the talent show that catapulted the homely Boyle to super stardom, said on the Opie & Anthony Show that she likes little Susan despite the fact that God "hit her with a fucking ugly stick":

I like everybody to do well. Even somebody that looks like a slapped ass. God bless her. It's like, 'You go girl'. She does look like a hairy asshole. She is a lovely lady. You just want to say 'god bless' and here's a Gillette razor.

• Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab for a third time, but her doctor says it's simply "routine." At this point, yes. [Mirror]
  
  
• Robin Williams has been asked to play Britain's Got Talent singer Susan Boyle in a biopic about her life. Sounds like a perfect fit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Singer-turned-loon Amy Winehouse has filed a £50,000 lawsuit against her former mother-in-law, who Winehouse accused of copyright infringement for selling one of her rambling love letters to her ex-husband. [The Sun]
  
  
• Ed Swiderski, the man who shocked — shocked! — the world by cheating on his Bachelorette "girlfriend" insisted he never took the show seriously. [Us]
  
  
• Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise inspired a Scientology fashion line. That says it all. [The Guardian]
  
  
• Lesbian tennis star Martina Navratilova former beauty queen girlfriend Julia Lemigova once dated Swiss banker Edouard Stern, who was murdered by his lover in a sadomasochistic sex romp. That may be the most titillating gossip we've heard in a long time. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• American Idol winner David Cook's so secretive about his love life that he refuses to buy anything for his girlfriend. Wait, isn't that just cheap? [Page Six]
  
  
• Sex tape and reality star Kim Kardashian will direct an "unscripted show" about her publicist friend Jonathan Cheban. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now that Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are out in the open about their adulterous relationship, Cibrian's wife is free to rip him to shreds. She describes him as a "a compulsive liar, cheater and a home wrecker." Well, we know at least two of those things are true. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ian McKellen went to see his friend Rachel Weisz in A Streetcar Named Desire. That's just sweet. [Just Jared]

• Is Lindsay Lohan having the worst week of her life? Probably. Papa Lohan — ever the purveyor of sage wisdom — claims that baby's house was burglarized! LAPD officers are on the scene right now, according to TMZ. Hopefully, she won't try to pin it on a bodega worker named Mohamed. Stay tuned, everyone. [TMZ]
  
  
• Lady Gags got booed in England for showing up to a set late and then having to circumcise her show after running out of time. Speaking of circumcision, PENIS OR GTFO, Gags. [The Sun]
  
  
• Page Six decides to pile on Michael Wolff's supposedly awful site traffic. I'm sorry, but with headlines like I LOVE TO KILL THE NEWS, yeah. He'll take what he can get. [Page Six]
  
  
• Postcards To Yo' Momma: Charles Dickens used to get ladies by writing letters to deh muddahs. In other news, (A) my favorite Page Six items are now the "historical gossip" ones and (B) I just stick with chocolate-covered strawberries. And thus, moms love me. If I were to write a girlfriend's mom a letter she'd be like seriously WTF and then tell her daughter to find a hedge funder or something, because This one, he writes letters? Meshuggah. He could've been a lawyer, too. A shonda. And look what he writes about Jews! [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Katie Holmes served as the inspiration or something for Scientology's creepy new uniforms. Also, Katie Holmes probably hates Scientology, because it's just another beard for craziness in her life she has to suffer in order to get her contract paid out. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven hasn't eaten fish in a bunch of months, and is now a new man or something now that he's living an un-mercury-poisoned life. Notably, Broadway is looking much healthier too now that it hasn't had much Jeremy Piven in however many months. [NYP]
  
  
• Random for an R & M item, but: girls in Maxim's Hometown Hotties contest - which is exactly what it sounds like - say that it's fixed! There's some kind of resolution to this story, but Maxim's PR person realizes what a ridiculous gossip item this is, and takes the time to crack a joke to R & M: "We did use the same electronic voting machines as Ohio did in the 2004 election. So we fully expect George W. Bush will be our next Hometown Hottie winner." [R & M]
  
  
• George Hamilton keeps lookin' good by using stem cell injections of his own fat on his face. Meanwhile, George Hamilton! Love him. Does anybody remember "George and Alana," Hamilton's talk show he once had with his ex-wife Alana Stewart? It was really good! [R & M]
  
  
• Gah! Fuckin' bedbugs! They're now terrorizing Bubba Clinton and staff in his Harlem offices. It got so bad that they had to leave work for a few days. [R & M]
  
  
• Oh, those wacky Coen Bros. They made Amy Landecker wear a pubic "wig" for the upcoming A Serious Man because it's set in 1967. [NYP]
  
  
• Not exactly 90th percentile SAT stuff, but: Was Jill Zarin chatting up a dean at Brown to get her daughter past admissions there? Probably. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sad: Jason Preston still isn't over his breakup with Marc Jacobs. He reached out to Courtney Love over Twitter because he's sad that Jacobs is marrying his boyfriend, Lorenzo Martone, this weekend in Massachusetts. But: why are you reaching out to Courtney Love for help? There are bad terrible awful ways you can act about ex-lovers, and then there's reaching out to Courtney Love. Don't do that. Just: don't. Go listen to some Paul Simon or something instead. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anna Paquin isn't afraid to get nekkid on vampire fetishist show True Blood. So it goes! Meanwhile, talk about burying the lede, Page Six: Nylon's still having magazine parties? [Page Six]
  
  
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to spend $45M on, let's see here, a...'FRENCH LOVE NEST' reports Showbiz Spy. And here I thought they were going to write PYREX BONG. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Aw. Where does Susan Boyle take her buckets of duckets and spend them on vacation? Home. She went to take a break in Scotland. Happy things, people. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Oh, this is wonderful: David Cross used a picture of the father of his girlfriend, Amber Tamblyn, as his author's bio photo on the jacket of his upcoming book. Furthermore! He wrote, on his bio: "He is currently fucking Amber Tamblyn." Forthcoming, but true. David Cross: loved by parents, I guess? [D-Listed]
  
  
• Was LeAnn Rimes involved in a hit-and-run? She was questioned by cops on Thursday night about one. [US]
  
  
• Will Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have raging ecstasy-induced sex in an upcoming possible film project? They could just pick up funding for this film by placing tzedakah boxes around the country at various male-oriented Jewish youth group meetings. Watch. They'd have a $20M budget in about three weeks. [WWTDD]

As we suspected they might,Bazaar has gone the first-lady route with Boyle, posing her, at a mansion just outside London, in what an editor calls "the most classic beautiful pieces of the season," which run the gamut from Tadashi Shoiji to J. Crew: an accessible (for the most part) wardrobe for a woman-of-a-certain age. So how does she look? Good. By which I mean, she looks like a more polished version of herself.

In the video the mag posted online, Boyle is a game subject, clearly enjoying the process and going along easily with the magazine's suggestions. But reading the accompanying interview, it seems pretty clear Boyle's not an easy nut to crack - and not just because of the author's careful admission that Boyle "isn't expansive when she talks." Basically, we know it all: she had a quiet life, cared for her elderly mother, chased her dream, and found the press a lot to take. And, again, the description of Boyle falls into the somewhat pitying incredulity that journalists so often can't help adopting:

Despite her newfound fame, there are a lot of things Susan Boyle doesn't do. She doesn't go on holiday or go out much. She isn't into fashion or gourmet food. She isn't married, doesn't have children, and hasn't seen the world. When I ask her if she's been shopping, for example, she shakes her head. Not even to Selfridges? "Where?" she asks, half joking. But feeling financially secure must surely be a bonus. "Hey, you don't just do it for the money. I don't do it for the money, babe! Who do you think I am?"

(First of all what does shopping (for example) have to do with marriage and children? She's supposed to have suddenly taken them all up in the past two months? And love how they all, in sum, are supposed to say "empty life" to a fashion mag reader!) If people are looking for sudden outpourings of emotion and a dramatic shift in personality - in short, drama equal to that which brought her to us - it looks like they'll be disappointed. But for those of us who genuinely wish to see the singer with a sustainable life and a career commensurate with her talents, well, this spread should prove reassuring. And one hopes her joke, "as long as I don't break the camera, I'll be fine," is in fun.


Love the peacock blue with Susan's fair complexion - even if this doesn't look like something she'd ever wear in real life. And how pretty is her makeup?


The What Not to Wear outfit! Knee-length skirt: check. Classic heel: check. Tailored coat: check. Hint of color: check, check. They'd probably suggest this was appropriate for picking up the kids or something; seems like a good getup for Susan to wear to the studio, no?


Okay, this is officially my least-favorite, because I can't help thinking "Grimace" and because, sassy as it looks here, you just know that shape could get Helen E. Hokinson-frumpy with very little work.


The perfect concert gown! Nice work, Bazaar.


Hm. The obligatory "woman of a certain age" sequins. I get that a touch of sparkle works on stage, but this feels a little Barbara Bush.


This gown, at $490, is among the shoot's most expensive. On the one hand, I like that they're keeping the prices somewhat realistic. But on the other, perversely, I'd love to see Susan in the priciest gown they've got! Or at least a nice Carolina Herrera. That said, love this one.


Susan Boyle, Unsung Hero [Harper's Bazaar]
Earlier: How Should Harper's Bazaar Style Susan Boyle?

After perky Meredith Vieira struggles to give the debatable superstar a compliment, stumbling over words to question if she's had a "slight little makeover?", Suze, perhaps insulted, forces a smile.

"Just a slight one," she responds with usual British irony. Because, really, in comparison to the old maid who formerly only warbled to her kitty cats, you know the New Improved Miss Boyle's a-feeling like Heidi Klum these days. When asked if she's having a good time, Suze grimaces, and forces out "I'm having a wonderful time" and "I don't want it to end" as if ramming a nail in her hand.

We know all this is "new" to the humble country virgin, and she's supposedly "overwhelmed," but we can't help thinking that puppet master Simon Legree Cowell is there in the background whipping this poor lass out into the spotlight, else he must eat crow. Next up, a spread in Harper's Bazaar! The strong arm of the press machine keeps on churning...

Full interview airs on NBC July 22.

Pretty good, from what we can tell. Some amateur video shot from the performance that ended a few hours ago has already made its way onto the YouTubes. Take a look and decide for yourself:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

She looks like she might be doing okay, but, come on: a step at a time. If you've watched anything involving Susan Boyle, it's hard not to feel a little invested in this woman's sanity as an active participant on the precipice it's been hanging from. This isn't a tabloid thing like Jon and Kate Gosselin; maybe that's because she has yet to sport an Ed Hardy shirt or style her hair in the fashion of a Paul Mitchell-saturated porcupine, or maybe that's because she has some kind of legitimate talent most people would never know about (or in some cases: be touched by) if it weren't for this silly, stupid television show. And she's not aping for the cameras or sapping every spare moment of fame she can get her hands on. She's a normal person with an extraordinary ability thrust into a very, very bright spotlight. I still fall into the "cheering for this woman to remain sane" contingent. How about you?

• CODE BLUE. REPEAT: CODE BLUE. The only character anyone in the entire Jon and Kate Gosselin saga anybody should care about - Aaden, The Bespectacled One - has been injured. Jon was seen taking him to a medical clinic by the paparazzi who've staked him out. Aaden had some kind of cut on his forehead, and while we're wont to speculate on the barfight which caused Aaden's head injury, we'll be sitting this one out on the sidelines during this sensitive period of healing. Anyway, whenever I cut myself, my Dad would always be like, WTF were you doing smashing a Jolt can on your head? And then he'd laugh and maybe hand me a band-aid and we'd get ice cream or something. So, anyway, Happy Father's Day. [Celebrity Gossip via E!]
  
  
• Aw. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are sticking it out. Duchovny, if you remember, went to rehab for sex addiction - And really, how much sex do you need to be having or need to want to be having to go to rehab for sex addiction? It sounds like a silly question, but consider the logistics, here. - and Leoni and him "separated." Now, they're having this real life Californication-esque relationship of rebuilding. Dysfunctional Celebrities: they're just like us! Kinda? [People]
  
  
• Madonna's new kid, Mercy James, the one she stole from Africa, is back. It's a cute kid and all, but didn't she steal it from Africa? [P*r*z H*lt*n]
  
  
• Kanyeezey is back with his ex-girlfriend Amber Rose. Dude needs someone to hold him down. Seriously. You know when you tell your friends, maybe you need a girlfriend/boyfriend, or someone tells you, maybe you need a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc, and they mean it? I would sincerely tell Kanye West to stay in a committed relationship. I'm not sure why. [The Sun]
  
  
• So: two Keystone Cops tried to extort SJP and Matthew Broderick over pictures of their kid. A cop in Ohio went to the home of SJP's surrogate mother in Martins Ferry, waltzed in, stole some pictures, tried to steal some voicemails, walked right on out. They tried to sell the photos to a tabloid and got busted. The tabloid was allegedly the National Enquirer, but now we learn, isn't. The best part, though: the tabloid, TMZ now hears, are the ones to turn them in. But what if it's TMZ?! Don't you love how there's no such thing as a conflict of interest in tabloid journalism? [TMZ]
  
  
• Billy Joel and Katie Lee Joel are getting divorced because "William" - 60 years-old - wanted to start a family now, and Kathy wanted to focus on her career, according to a friend of Billy's. Kathy Lee's friends see it the other way around - what? - and this weird he-said she-said is Rush & Malloy's lead item the week after breaking the whole Roger Friedman's Suing Scientology story, and they don't even make an "Only The Good Die Young" joke. Weak. [R & M]
  
  
• Not really gossip, per se, but Daniel Radcliffe has openly suggested that the Harry Potter films be scored by Radiohead, which is *magical*. I definitely see Goblet of Fire as a very Bends-esqu experience while Prisoner of Azkaban might be slightly more In Rainbows. Am I right, or am I right? I could play this game for hours. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Nip Tuck is over, and the finale's probably going to suck, because Ryan Murphy and friends all went to Fox to go do Glee. Also, because they simply couldn't do anything else with the story. [LA Times]
  
  
• Hayden Christensen's family likes Rachel Bilson. What isn't there to like? But Hayden Christensen? If I brought him home, my family would be like YOU RUINED STAR WARS and also Foster why are you dating Hayden Christensen? If I brought Rachel Bilson home, they'd probably be like, meh, but that's just how they are. [Page Six]
  
  
• George Stephanopoulos was named Father of the Year by the National Father's Day Committee, which is funny, because he did a radio broadcast recently and his daughter was all like "I HATE YOU" Stephanopoulos addressed the recent Daddy Misconduct Charges against him by his daughter by noting that he and his wife had donated some of their kids' clothing, and that it was "all about some duckies." [Page Six]
  
  
• British club-owner Clive Kelly talked some smack on Sting for, I don't know, making him go broke or something? I guess this is the other R & M item. It involves Sting going to the rainforest and, you know, whatever, being Sting. [R & M]
  
  
• An E! blog put together a list of petitions written by fans of Robert Pattinson. Some of his fans are absolutely insane. Like, these people are strange and scary and he's not even a real vampire. But seriously - Robert Pattinson? [E!]
  
  
• Susan Boyle canceled another show last night over fears of exhaustion. That's three in a row, for anyone who's counting. Related, Simon Cowell's confession of Susan Boyle culpability in a paper yesterday. Is it time we just give up on this? Serious question. [Daily Express]

Writing for the Daily Mail, Simon Cowell penned a pretty fascinating 2,000-plus word editorial on his feelings towards this entire season of Britain's Got Talent. The entire thing is, in all honesty, quite candid and amazing. Some could view this as a PR coup, but reading it, you can't resist the temptation to think that sometimes - no matter how well handled a public image is - sometimes, some people succumb to the urge to speak out publicly, and this was that moment for Cowell.

As we've all well heard by now, Boyle's been having meltdown after meltdown since losing the massively popular Britain's Got Talent compeition. Small woman from a small town gets overexposed to fame, loses in front of millions, and gets admitted to a mental hospital shortly thereafter. They thought Boyle was sane enough to go out on tour shortly after the competition ended - and after she was released from her mental health care - but she's had to cancel performance after performance for any number of undisclosed reasons. Cowell addresses it all.

He first notes that he didn't pick up on anything unusual at first, but knew something was wrong the moment Boyle lost the competition...

We didn't handle the situation with Susan as well as we could have...I don't know that I could have done it any differently..I didn't pick up on any unduly troubling signs...when the dance group Diversity won, I looked over at her face and thought: 'Christ, she doesn't know how to deal with not winning.'..It was a bad moment.

...And then gets introspective, admitting the troubling self-doubt he had that evening when he got home.

I remember having a drink that night and trying to relax, but still feeling a bit strange. Something just didn't feel right. And sure enough, it wasn't. No need to repeat the details here - that wouldn't be fair to Susan...

Finally, he gets to the part where he asks Boyle's family if he should've done things differently, if he shouldn't have allowed her to attempt to go on tour. They didn't see any way for him to have done so. He reveals that he actually sat down with them to discuss this. Boyle's family's been mostly - questionably - quiet on the matter. On one hand, you could easily get conspiratorial about this. On the other, silence often implies consent. And Cowell dishes:

Last week, I met them in my London office and I asked them: 'Tell me honestly; did we do right or did we do wrong?' What I meant was, was it right to allow Susan to carry on performing in the show once it became clear that she was finding it stressful? And they said, unanimously, that we did the right thing. They said that Susan has always wanted to sing and had sat at home for years, wishing that she had a chance.

He also gets into his feelings on having children on show, and his treatment of them. In regards to the kids crying, he notes that it "made [him] feel worse than anything else...It was a huge, huge mistake."

Unfortunately, Cowell doesn't get into his harsh, almost sadistic treatment of American Idol contestants, nor does he lay out a plan for making sure lives like Boyle's aren't affected in the future the way hers was. But for a guy who essentially pioneered the art and culture of taking regular people with often ludicrous ambitions of fame and essentially giving it to them regardless of consequence, this is kind of a big deal.

Maybe not pragmatically, maybe not logistically, but certainly philosophically. The same thing happened with Chuck Barris later in his life, when he started writing books admitting to the incredible emptiness years of doing average-joe-exploitation TV show The Gong Show had filled him with (forgetting Barris's insane/hysterical claim that he was a CIA spy). This could aspire Cowell to have a "cleaner burn" on the entertainment and culture he produces, one that has a staggeringly large reach. Probably not, but somehow, these words

I also accept, as the shows grow, that I have new responsibilities to my contestants.

kind of matter. Hopefully, Cowell's money-minting TV production machine will be proceeding for the betterment of the people it uses for show and for profits moving forward. It's kind of a pipe dream, but at least we can blame him for giving it to us, now.

After the Britain's Got Talent backlash, Simon Cowell finally admits: 'Sorry, I did make mistakes' [Daily Mail]

• TMZ is reporting that someone is shopping a tape of Leighton Meester and her ex-boyfriend having sex. The tape is supposedly a few years old but features Leighton showing off her "very talented feet." Let your imagination run with that one! [TMZ]
  
  
• Poor Robert Pattinson was just trying to shop for some books at The Strand when he was being harassed by those pesky teenage girls who were trying to sex him right there in the store, so he ran away into the street and got clipped by a cab. What a punk. [NY Post]
  
  
• Jennifer Garner obviously thinks that Kevin Smith is a fat, vulgar slob, according to Kevin Smith, and she is doing everything she can to destroy the man-love that exists between Smith and her husband, Ben Affleck. [Daily News]
  
  
• When Brian WIlliams leaves the news desk to broadcast from the newsroom, producers run all the fatties out and bring in the good-looking interns to pretty up the place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle has been dumped from the Britain's Got Talent tour after she launched into a bizarre rant about her beloved cat, Pebbles. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Beyonce has pissed off some Chelsea club owner because she had agreed to make an appearance at the club's opening for $100,000 but backed out at the last minute. What's a $100,000 these days anyway? [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears is still terrorizing England. The other night she was playing a show in Manchester when she became confused about where she was and yelled out, "what's up London?!" This didn't go over well with the Brits, who are sensitive to these kinds of things. [Sun]
  
  
• Kristen Bell is looking all hot in these pictures of her running around on the beach in Hawaii, but then there's a picture of her playing around in the water with her boyfriend, Dax Shepard, and that just kills all fantasies completely. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Christiano Ronaldo brought three girls back to hotel, not for a foursome or anything like that mind you, but for Pepsi and checkers and an episode of Fawlty Towers or something, because that's what European soccer stars do. [Sun]

• Megan Fox wants everyone to know that she has definitely dumped David Silver and is so very single and is looking for a dude to bake cookies for and give her butt massages and whatnot. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller claims that she's never been on a "real date," nor has she ever had a one-night stand, which is a shame. Really, she should have a few of those. Everyone should. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle's return to action on the Britain's Got Talent tour was short-lived as her doctor ordered her to get some rest due the extreme "exhaustion" she's been suffering from. She's a delicate little flower. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary over the weekend by...spending it apart! Apparently Kate spent the entire weekend with the kids while Jon's "whereabouts this weekend were unknown." [EOnline]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston thinks that she's a parallel between her actual life and the roles she plays in all of the romantic comedies she stars in. [Mirror]
  
  
• Rihanna seems to be casting some sort of voodoo spell on Chris Brown, who just can't seem to help himself from falling back in love with her when he sees her at basketball games where she's rumored to be watching her new lover on the court. [Daily News]
  
  
• Gwen Stefani says that being a full-time mom and wife doesn't leave much time for the glamor of being a rock star. [Daily News]
  
  
• Justin Long, aka the "Mac Guy," doesn't have an iPhone. Instead he uses some piece of crap Motorola phone according to one of Page Six's tipsters. How horrible! [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna's latest adopted child has been flown to the U.S. and already been outfitted with a nanny and a private nurse. [Mirror]

• Yesterday, we reported: "Susan Boyle's BACKINYOFACE, mothafuckas!" And now we're sad to report: Susan Boyle's "exhausted" again. She pulled out of a Manchester tour date because she wasn't feelin' it. This can't be good. I mean, let's just say what needs to be said here: the woman always kind of felt a little, well, off. It was her quirk and naivety of fame that did the whole "capture our hearts" thing, so, you know, you'd think: these things would be something to watch out for, indicators of some lack of preparedness for the fame she achieved two seconds after she stepped off that stage the first time. And now, here we are: a tired woman, being driven crazy by too much at once. Sigh. [TMZ]
  
  
• Still can't get over the Dustin Lance Black photos, if only because I'm trying to remember which other non-acting Oscar winners have had photos of them leaked. Really, this entire thing is just a solid Jeopardy answer in the making. Anyway: Black released a statement in response to the photos leaking, in which he apologizes for not practicing safe sex. "More important than the embarrassment of this incident is the misleading message these images send. I apologize and cannot emphasize enough the importance of responsible sexual practices." [E!]
  
  
• WTF. Cindy Adams wrote two pages for the Post this morning on how to stash cash away. Sample line: "You can glue single bills flat inside luggage lining — providing your suitcase is classy enough for a lining and you don't mind the inconvenience of then ripping that bag to shreds to get the paste off the money." Uh, thank you, Crazy Aunt Cindy? Next week, Neel Shah teaches you how to beat a dude with a lead pipe. [Page Six]
  
  
• Har! Salman Rushdie tore the shit up 'out the dance floor at a party the other night. Noteth Page Six, poetry in motion: "'She had heels on, so he only came up to her breasts,' laughs our source. 'With her low-cut dress and his bald head, when he's dancing with her he looks like her third boob.'" Oh, come on. That's funny. [Page Six]
  
  
• Prince Harry's new ladyfriend is a total starfucker. She dated Russell Brand at one point, and one time she had a "romp" in a hot tub with Jack Osbourne and another girl. A "romp," from what I understand, is a funny British word for "sex that isn't really sex" (as opposed to a "snog" which is definitely sex, or a "muggle" which is a non-magical person). [News Of The World]
  
  
• Colin Ferrell needs more bodyguards to protect him from all the paparazzi headed his way. I mean, really? Colin Ferrell? [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Michael Phelps is still rocking some kind of porn stache. It's fantastic. [TMZ]
  
  
• Craig Ferguson almost killed himself before running into the friend who would help him have the career he has now. ""I felt worse than I ever had. ... I was a drunk, a loser and a disaster as a human being. ... The shame was immense. It pushed down on me like a terrible weight." Wow. [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Ron Burkle denied everything Mark Ebner wrote about him on his blog that didn't make it into Ebner's book on Burkle, which mostly amounts to an "omitted chapter," a salacious little bit where Burkle calls in prostitutes for a girl-on-girl show. Ebner once wrote an article on the Church of Scientology, where, for the purposes of full-disclosure, he wrote: "I am an ex-drug addict who has solicited prostitutes in my day. I've also masturbated and inhaled at the same time, and I have been arrested more than once in my life. I dropped out of high school and I've been under psychiatric care." Here's the thing, Mark: you're not a celebrity! Not even the Scientologists care! Too much full disclosure. TMI. Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell emerged from a strip club Friday night covered in lipstick. Cute. [P*r*z H*lt*n]

• Susan Boyle's BACKINYOFACE, mothafuckas! She absolutely killed it on the first stop of the Britain's Got Talent tour, performing her standards from Les Miz and Cats [Ed: Blegh! I hate 'Cats.'] for a bunch of old church volunteers. Sounds like she's doing well, which makes everyone happy. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Britney Spears brought her kids and boyfriend with her to England, and the babysitter looks so pissed and unhappy in these photos. Seriously. [PopSugar]
  
  
• Yesterday was Kate and Jon Gosselin's 10th anniversary. She spent the day inflating a bounce-house, screaming at everyone, and eating a popsicle while her maternity amulet swung from her neck. Meanwhile, as you'll read further down, that bounce house is actually a BOUNCE HOUSE OF DEATH. [DListed]
  
  
• Some British tabloid is putting bad slang for "an erection" in their headlines about Paris Hilton giving soccer star Christiano Ronaldo a boner, noting that she gave him an "Eiffel." Right. Anyway, Paris and Ronaldo are hooking up and she spent the day after walking around in her pajamas with Nicky and he spent the day after showing his homies her dirty texts that're probably puns just as bad as Said British Tabloid's. Maybe something about balls, perhaps? [Obligatory "that's hot" here.] And yes, I said "soccer," goddamnit! You can only call it "football" if you're European. Also, if you're European and watch soccer instead of Quidditch, you're an idiot. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Pete Doherty showed up to court with a gigantic wad of cash after leading cops on some kind of wild car chace. This is the ninth time or something Doherty's been arrested this week, and at this point, the British legal system's just thrown up their hands and been like, "Fuck it!" Best part of the item: "Doherty "whooped" when he was granted bail on the grounds his manager Andrew Boyd would provide a £50,000 bond. He was ordered to obey a 12-hour curfew while not performing." Awesome. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Reese Witherspoon debuted her own perfume line, and P*r*z Hi*t*n made a joke about how much Jake Gyllenhaal would enjoy wearing it. Cute. [P*r*z Hi*t*n]
  
  
• Do you have any idea who Aubrey O'Day is? Neither did I, until I did my obligatory "research" (a single, wistful Googling): she was on Making The Band in that Danity Kane act, and it appears as though Diddy did not make her go get cheesecake. Anyway, she's just some D-List whatever, and she was really, really rude on the set of a shoot for some non-profit cause called the No H8 Campaign. Anyway, this could be real or it could jsut be a reach for PR by No H8, but, you know, non-profits reaching for PR isn't the worst thing, especially if they're trying to give me a decent item to run with. There are far worse things, you know? [P*r*z H*lt*n]
  
  
• Lauren Conrad, wearing a strange wig for a photoshoot. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Kristen Stewart, looking all punk and crazy and awesome with black stringy hair. Related: what happens when Twilight finally makes Goth cool for the popular kids? What happens to the Goths? Do they go shopping at Hollister? DO NOT GET. [Pink Is The New Blog]
  
  
• Birds with arms. Weird! [URLesque]
  
  
• Evan Rachel Wood went from hooking up with Nazi pube shaver Marilyn Manson to the guy from ER who was in A Walk To Remember with Mandy Moore. Nicely done. A Walk To Remember started with this great New Radicals song, and that's the only reason this item is here. Seriously. So I could post that. [Daily Star]
  
  
• Not at all a Gossip Item, but: Six Flags is going bankrupt! Meanwhile, while I was researching something fun to write about this item involving roller coasters, I came across the aptly named tragedy-fetishist website, RideAccidents.com. Yes, every roller coaster and/or amusement park accident chronicled in one place, in what looks to be a fairly well-kept database, yet again proving that if there was something out there you weren't afraid of, the internet will make every attempt to put The Unimpeachable Fear in you about it. Including inflatables. Seriously: inflatables, Kate. Be scared. Be very scared. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• President Barack Obama in a gossip roundup? Yes! Because this isn't deserving of any kind of actual news cycle: he spoke up in favor of nicotine legislation to regulate tobacco sales even as his press man Robert Gibbs dodged questions from the White House Press Corps about the president's smoking habits. It goes like this: cigs are bad, and any president who didn't say that or do something about them being bad is bad. But! He smokes, because he's addicted. And that's bad, too. But he's also in better shape than so many of the other presidents we have. God, life is complicated. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Not invincible from the recession: Baldwins. Stephen (who still has yet to match the brilliance of this in his career) is having his house foreclosed upon while filming I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. [Dlisted]

• After dropping hints that she might be marrying him this summer, Paris Hilton dumped Douglas Reinhardt after they got into a huge fight at a club in Hollywood on Tuesday night after he was making the rap with another girl or something. Her friends are said to be quite pleased about this, saying that Doug was "a douche just like everyone tried to tell her and that he was only dating her for publicity." Poor Paris. When will she ever find true love? [Sun]
  
  
• Shia Labeouf thinks that it's "so freaking outrageous" that some dirty-minded people out there actually think that he has sex with his mother. He wants everybody to know that they only give each other handjobs. [The Hot Hits]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham pranced around London wearing a see-through blouse, seemingly unaware that her boobies were in plain view. So if you've ever wanted to see her breasticles, follow the link. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jessica Alba is being investigated by police in Oklahoma City on vandalism charges for splattering posters of dead sharks all over town or something. [Yahoo]
  
  
• Susan Boyle is set to sing today for the first time since losing her mind during the run of Britain's Got Talent. No word on whether or not she'll be holding her cat Pebbles while she performs to keep her sane. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven is back in town douching it up all over the place, but he's still making time to warn everyone about the horrors of mercury poisoning. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West and his ex, Amber Rose, have been spending a lot of time together. She even showed up at his birthday party at the Spotted Pig the other night. [Page Six]
  
  
• It looks as though Katie Holmes will be appearing on the next season of the Fox reality show So You Think You Can Dance. Tom is going to be so jealous! [Just Jared]
  
  
• Heather Graham's nipples are quite the sight to behold popping out of that lovely blue dress darling. Not exactly Victoria Beckham territory, but still—Wow. [Dlisted]

• Lindsay Lohan's obsessive stalking of Samantha Ronson throughout Europe seems to have worked. Ronson appears to have caved to Li-Lo's insanity out of fear for her life or something, as they were spotted spending the day together in Los Angeles after a Lohan tweet hinted that they may be back togther. [Sun]
  
  
• Things are getting ugly between Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott on the set of their Robin Hood flick. Allegedly producers are having to fly in to make peace between the two, who have refused to speak to each other at times. Russell Crowe also so showed up fat to play Robin Hood at the start of filming, something that didn't please Scott and the producers, who forced Crowe to go on a crash diet to lose 35 lbs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway thinks she's ready for the bright lights of Broadway and is set to play Judy Garland in the the upcoming musical, Get Happy, The Life of Judy Garland. [Daily News]
  
  
• Here's a shocker—NBC is vigorously denying the Speidi torture allegations, basically saying that everything Heidi and Spencer have claimed is a load of crap. Again, shocking. [Daily News]
  
  
• Susan Boyle has reclaimed her sanity with the help of her cat "Pebbles" and is ready to start rehearsing for the Britain's Got Talent tour. [Mirror]
  
  
• This whole Jon and Kate thing is already beyond ridiculous, but it only grows more so by the day—Authorities with the Pennsylvania Humane Society were called on to investigate whether or not the Gosselin's dogs had been abused by the family. [Dlisted]
  
  
• Chris Brown has taken to surrounding himself with burly bodyguards whenever he makes public appearances out of fear that someone will seek retaliation for his beating of Rihanna. [Page Six]
  
  
• Simon Cowell is on the verge of nailing down a deal to produce a remake of Saturday Night Fever, with Zac Efron set to star as the character played by John Travolta in the original. [Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of New York was cleared of assault charges after the dude she allegedly beat up failed to show up in court. [EOnline]

• Ashlee Simpson apparently harbors some deep insecurities in regards to her husband Pete Wentz's ex, Michelle Trachtenberg. The problem started when Simpson and Wentz ran into Trachtenberg and her boyfriend at a party in LA. Ashlee then proceeded to get drunk and started giving Pete lap dances to mark her territory, then screamed at Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!" [Page Six]
  
  
• Brad Pitt shares his secret for keeping himself fresh and clean when he's chasing around a dozen kids and being pretty in movies and just doesn't have time to take a shower. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Hudson has been spotted popping into bars in West Village to watch the Yankees play, but mostly just to see the dude she's boning, Alex Rodriguez, swing his might bat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kim Kardashian may or may not be getting married to Reggie Bush, depending on who you talk to. Star says they're engaged, Kim says they're not. Whatever, as long as Reggie gets 2000 total yards for the Saints this year, we're fine with it. [Star]
  
  
• Susan Boyle will get special visits from her cat Pebbles to aid in her recovery from the lunacy that international stardom has stricken upon her. [Mirror]
  
  
• Michael Jackson, battling skin cancer, is refusing to eat any food and has dropped down to a dangerously low weight. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Star Trek Captain Kirk dude Chris Pine has used up Audrina Patridge for a week or two of fun and is now kicking her to the curb, as was widely predicted. [Sun]
  
  
• A new book says that Britney Spears spiraled out of control last year because she was afraid of her LSU football and booze loving father, Jamie. [Mirror]
  
  
• Neil Patrick Harris wants to get into Hugh Jackman's pants. [Daily News]

• The Daily Mail visited Amy Winehouse on the tropical island where she's supposed to be cleaning her life up. When they met her at 9am, she was already on her second shot of tequila. The whole thing has gone horribly wrong and some doubt she'll live to record another album. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• After having Sacha Baron Cohen's ass all up in his face to create a fake controversy, Eminem had his LA hotel room broken into. His laptop and a 650K necklace were stolen. [Daily News]
  
  
• London is on high alert as Hurricane Lohan is rolling through town to spend time with Samantha Ronson, who's in town for a DJ gig. [Sun]
  
  
• Simon Cowell called Susan Boyle to offer her his "unconditional support" in aiding her recovery from the breakdown she recently suffered. [Mirror]
  
  
• Melissa Joan Hart, who graced this past week's cover of People for having lost a bunch of weight, was overheard telling friends that she hoped that Farrah Fawcett didn't die during the week of her cover, thus bumping her off of it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lily Allen just can't keep her nipples inside her of her damn dress, and the world is a much better place because of this. NSFW! [Drunkenstepfather]
  
  
• Daily Show alum and current The Office cast member Ed Helms just can't resist belting out Broadway showtunes at completely inappropriate times. [Starpulse]
  
  
• A new biography details what exactly happened when Britney Spears broke down and shaved her head and seemed as though she was going way off the deep end. [Mirror]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is hinting that she and her boyfriend Douglas or whatever his name is might be getting married this summer. [EOnline]
  
  
• Pixie Geldof got trashed at Bungalow 8 in London and photographers got a bunch of pics of her stumbling around in the street. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have definitely quit I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. No, none of this was staged at all. [Daily News]

• Britney Spears is taking her bondage-themed tour to Europe soon and is rumored to be planning afterparties in clubs featuring "naked acrobats, topless burlesque babes and dancing dwarves." [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga doesn't care about the Jonas Brothers' dumb fake chastity vows, she wants to round those boys up, get them all in a room, and have a foursome with them! [Daily News]
  
  
• Human trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is trying desperately to land a gig as a "creative consultant" at a European fashion line, which has caused an uproar among the line's current employees, some of whom are threatening to quit if they hire her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle passed out in her bedroom after crying all day and yelling at Britain's Got Talent producers before she was admitted to a mental hospital. She was also heard screaming for her cat Pebbles as she was being admitted. This story gets sadder every day. [Sun]
  
  
• Winona Ryder said in an interview that she and Christian Slater have signed on to do a sequel of the Hollywood cult classic "Heathers." [Perez]
  
  
• Paris Hilton was kept away from the stars of The Hills on the red carpet of the MTV Movie Awards out of fear that there'd be some sort of catfight break out over Paris recently trashing the show. [3AM]
  
  
• Shia LaBeouf is set to star in the latest film adaptation of a John Grisham legal thriller. [Daily News]
  
  
• Did you see Cameron Diaz at the MTV Movie Awards? Everyone wants to know what the heck happened to her face! [WWTDD]
  
  
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, following the lead of Brangelina, are set to adopt a Vietnamese child very soon. [Sun]
  
  
• Stephen Dorff has apparently had enough of banging silicone-enhanced Hollywood bimbos and is settling down with his publicist. [Page Six]