Tupac Reveals Beverage Preference
“Sprite,” the sweet nectar that is sucked from the veins of rappers by advertising industry vampires, has claimed another victim.
Freakish Oddballs Who Like Diet Pepsi Pine for Chemicals of Yore
Sophisticated soda connoisseurs drink Diet Mtn Dew. Average people drink Diet Coke. Then there are the loners, misfits, and weirdos, who drink Diet Pepsi. They’re always hollering about some obscure grievance.
Hey--Are You Freaking Serious?--Dr. Pep Is Better Than Mtn Dew?--As If!
Americans are drinking less soda with each passing year—which makes the remaining soda that we do drink all the more important. Sadly, new evidence indicates that this country’s taste in soda is going to hell. Hey, someone call a “Doctor....”
Coca-Cola's Got a New Slogan--And We Warn You, It Is Emotional
People these days are drinking less soda, because that shit will kill you. Hey asshole: that’s all over now. Because Coca-Cola has a new slogan—and marketing strategy—that you need to know about—right now—amazing.
Is 60-Year-Old Canned Water Still Drinkable? We Find Out
If you opened a sealed can of water from the 1950s and drank it, what would happen? Would you die? Only one way to find out.
Pepsi cola that you make at home in a SodaStream will be one of the most unnecessary consumer products of our generation.
Soda Executives Are Just as Evil as Tobacco Executives
A report out of the New York Times makes one thing very clear: Big Soda is quietly killing people while funding bad smokescreen science that says the opposite. How long until the people who run Coke are held accountable?
McDonald's Wants a God Damn Medal for Serving Slightly Less Poison
Mustard-colored mustard merchant McDonald’s cares about kids, to the extent that kids can whine enough to convince their parents to take them to McDonald’s. McDonald’s: heroic, or most heroic?
Americans Replace Diet Coke With Even More Unhealthy Soda Preference
Americans, who fancy themselves sophisticated nutrition experts even as they consume a diet increasingly made up of petroleum byproducts, are no longer content to drink just any swill. They now prefer to drink swill that is worse than the previous swill of choice.
Just Drink Water
A new study of America's woefully inadequate parents finds that many of you have mistaken beliefs about nutrition that will—in all likelihood—one day kill your kids. Allow us to help you with a useful public health guideline.
Exactly How Many People Will Get Cancer From Soda?
You, the American soda consumer, should be aware that your precious swill contains a chemical called 4-MeI, which has the unfortunate side effect of giving humans cancer. How many of you will get a deadly disease as a direct result of this chemical? Consumer Reports kindly figured out the answer.
America Too Fancy For Budweiser All of a Sudden
America, "The World's Fanciest Nation," loves beer, it's true. But now it seems that you all want "good" beer. What ever happened to good old-fashioned bad American beer?
Artificial Sweeteners May Actually Raise Your Blood Sugar, Ha
If you are the hopeful, "never say die" sort of person who consumes artificial sweeteners in your diet in order to lower your sugar intake, allow me to inform you that you may have been accomplishing the opposite of what you wanted, all this time. Burn.
Pepsi Blazing New Frontiers in Nasty Soda Combinations
With the exception of Diet Mtn Dew, most of the so-called beverages produced by the Pepsi Corporation are little more than bubbly carcinogens that aren't even fun, like smoking. Now, the Pepsi Corporation is offering you more nasty soda flavors than ever before.
Japan Loving That Garbage Coffee
Here in America, the home of taste and sophistication, we drink "tea," to demonstrate that we are not crude savages. In Japan, however, no "thousands of years of cultural legacy" can hide the fact that they drink garbage coffee.
"We're giving teens a reason to choose us," said an integrated marketing content director for Coca-Cola. "It gives teens a reason to reach for a Coke." Imagine living a life that required you to say those words.
Foreign Idiots Can't Get Enough of Our Wine
No disrespect to people in foreign countries, but they are approximately the world's biggest suckers, when it comes to believing things about America. No, all Americans are not cowboys; we don't all own guns, and work at Disney Land; and we certainly don't make any good wine.
Pepsi One Won't Give You Cancer as Long as You Don't Drink a Whole Can
For those niche purists who find the tasty Martian flavor of Diet Pepsi somehow off-putting, there is Pepsi One—a different, more poisonous diet soda flavor.
People Are Drinking Less Diet Soda. What ARE They Drinking?
What's not to like about diet soda? Same brown, sludge-like color of regular soda, plus a sickly sweet aftertaste of sugar mixed with burnt plastic—all without any calories. Alas, it seems that Americans are tiring of diet soda. Is everything different now, beverage-wise?
Americans Will Be Drugged to Believe Their Soda Is Sweeter
In the future, soda will not be some grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and sugar. In the future, soda will be a grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and mysterious taste bud-modifying chemical agents. Progress!
