I hope you're happy, you disgusting animals.

What's that? You detected a sweeter, gentler, more luxurious flavor in your Folgers this morning? Why yes, its quality has improved. You liar.

You like coffee? Yeah, I used to like coffee. I'm kind of over that now. I've evolved past that. I've advanced into tea. Tea is kind of the new "thing," for me and my 300 million closest friends, the citizens of the United States of America.

You hear all these so-called "health experts" and "emergency room doctors gazing at our insulin levels in amazement" today who tell us, "Hey, don't drink so much soda," or "Hey, how can you put Mountain Dew in your baby's bottle, you monster?" They're always telling us to drink more water. But water is gross. What to…

It must be said right up front: coffee is a utilitarian beverage that exists mainly to wake you up. Therefore, treating coffee as some delicate wine-like treat that can only be appreciated by a select group of gourmands is absurd. Or is it?

Your annual update on The Decline And Fall of the Soda Empire: American soda (meaning "Coke," for people who talk regular) consumption was down by 1.2% in 2012—AFTER BEING DOWN BY 1% THE YEAR BEFORE THAT ALSO. Sales of carbonated sugar water have been declining each year since 2005.

If you're a hip and trendsetting young urban affluencer like me, you can hardly count how many times you've purchased a new brand of bottled water, only to be disappointed with its lack of that... certain something. "I dunno, this just takes like water," you grumble, tossing the disposable plastic bottle onto the…

It's a classic American hero story: PepsiCo was flagging, so it did a lot of research in its top secret BEVERAGE LAB, and started spending more money on ads, and now it's doing better. What could be more American than that? High fructose corn syrup water, ads, corporate earnings—it's everything that symbolizes this…

New York mayor Mike Bloomberg's crusade to ban large-sized sugary drinks has some surprising new foes: the NAACP and the Hispanic Federation, two large nonprofits ostensibly dedicated to advancing the rights of minorities. In this case, they are advancing the interests of their own corporate backers at the expense of…

Were you one of those people who was always up in the grocery store with your husband or whatever saying "No dear trust me this POM juice is definitely worth $69.99 for this eight-ounce serving because, honey, listen, it is so amazing for your health, I read about it, trust me." WERE YOU? Well, you were wrong,…

Sure, you like drinking canned Diet Pepsi that was prepared who knows when from who knows what and shipped who knows how far who knows how long ago. But sometimes your Diet Pepsi gets that... not so fresh flavor. It's almost as if there's something—what's the word I'm looking for?—natural in there.

There are few things more delightful than waking up on an average Monday morning here in Post-Racial America to the following real headline from a column in Ad Age: "Hats Off to the Soft-Drink Industry for Giving Attention to Hispanics and Blacks." Hats off to you, marketers of nutrition-free sugar water! You are…

Smooth move by thinspirational pro-ana billionaire Mike Bloomberg: he'll ban big huge sodas that poor people drink, sure, but don't worry, people who actually vote and/ or donate money to political campaigns—your precious huge syrupy Starbucks quote sweetened coffee beverages unquote will be safe, because they contain…

What do you think when you hear the word "Pepsi?" Chances are you think, "I guess if you're outta Coke, yeah that's fine. Do you have Diet Coke? No? Mr. Pibb? No? Forget it. Pepsi's fine." But what The Pepsi Corporation would prefer you to think is, "A kind of brown swill with amazing marketing!"

Soda sales here in the U.S. of A were down again last year. We're back down to—get this—1996 levels of soda consumption.