This isn't the first time we've heard rumblings about swine flu, but the CDC wants us on the alert about a new strain that spreads from pigs to people.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the world as we know it is almost certainly going to end. Scientists have found evidence of flu in bats and are reporting the existence of a "never-before-seen virus whose risk to humans is unclear," which is almost exactly how the devastating virus in the movie Contagion is…

New painkiller! Holiday eating! Gum health! Infant drugs! Fat ladies! Swine flu! Coma boy! Allergy cats! And a foolproof stop smoking plan that just might work! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—fatalistically!

Even though Swine Flu is definitely sort of over, it's still in the news! This time, researchers say that H1N1 can trigger fits of narcolepsy. It was previously believed that swine flu vaccinations caused this. Either way... be afraid!

The major drug companies have apparently milked the Swine Flu™ pandemic for all that they could, because the World Health Organization today declared that the "H1N1 virus has largely run its course." In a statement, the Director-General said the WHO's Emergency Committee decided on this during a conference call. Oh,…

Remember Swine Flu? It was this special food poisoning or something? It's back! Eight people have died of H1N1 since September in England. Experts don't expect another pandemic, but brush up on your H1N1-proof sexual positions just in case.

The deadly Mexican Pig Influenza Pandemic— remember that?—yes, that. Well, it's over. FYI. It's "run its course," according to the World Health Organization. Did you survive? Cool. Ditto. I think we called this one accurately way back when. [LAT]

Thankfully, most of us emerged unscathed from the scariest pandemic of all time, swine flu. The real heroes were the pharmaceutical companies that told governments to stockpile their products. But now, $260 million worth of expired vaccines will be destroyed.

Remember when H1N1 was going to infect and kill everyone on Earth unless, of course, we all purchased Tamiflu©? Shocker: The scientists who drafted the WHO's governmental advisories to stockpile drugs were paid consultants to the drug's producers.

Remember H1N1? It was like this new cancer or something. Apparently people were worried about it? Well, the thing is still out there, and cases are spiking in southern states. Oh well, not much we can do about it. [CNN]

Animal Fair magazine hosted its annual "Toys for Dogs" holiday party last night, an event that featured a bunch of poor canines dressed up in embarrassing Christmas costumes. Today health officials in Westchester announced they've confirmed the first case of a dog catching swine flu from his human owner. Coincidence? […

Hotmess Courtney Love reports that hotmess Britney Spears was molested as a kid. Usher is a girlyman. Captain Scuzzybutt Esq. will make Page Six one day. Natalie Portman's "tits." Barbara Cocoran's PR team. Presenting your late-edition Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Just in time for flu season: Cosmo's guide to making your man's cheeks flush with pleasure, not fever. It should be noted that sex partners you don't kiss may be "high risk" for other contagions. [scan via]

Can an overpriced cocktail dispensed by a mixologist prevent you from getting the flu, or make you feel better if you already have it? (Presumably a drink like the Flu Shot, which is on the menu at the East Village's Drop Off Service, isn't designed to appeal to the taste buds: It's a mixture of "garlic-infused honey,…

Everyone's talking about swine flu, which means medical journalists are in high demand. But how do you come up with new angles on something so overplayed and relatively straightforward?

Former drug-and-sex addict and current writing-about-drug-and- (just!) sex-addiction addict Benoit Denizet-Lewis had the swine flu for eight days. Then he ate bad sushi and got sick. There's a fine how-do-you-do, eh? [BDL]

Sure, you may be really worried about contracting swine flu and then spending the next couple of weeks confined to bed (or worse). But do you know who is totally psyched that Americans are in a state of panic about H1N1? Executives at Johnson & Johnson! It's J&J that makes Purell hand sanitizer. And it's making a…

Did you hear that a handful of large Wall Street banks have been getting the swine flu vaccine to give to their "high-risk" employees, even though area hospitals have yet to receive it or are now running low on their supplies? A little public pressure seems to be paying off. Morgan Stanley says it will return its…