• I like it, Rush & Molloy, I like it. Thanks for the nice, scandalicious, SEO-happy headline. The Boris and Natasha-esque Daily News gossip columnists have been stepping up their game lately. Today they slice-and-dice their Moose and Squirrel sights on a few items, chief among them: laughing at Courtney Love's batshit claim that Britney Spears was molested as a young girl, and the British tabloid who's paying an unnamed female Spears family member to argue that she did. That said, Courtney Love: still batshit insane, not worth listening to at all. Some conspiracy theorists, you gotta be like, hey, they might be on to something. What the hell is Courtney Love so worried about Britney Spears for? It's like she's reading us too much lately, or something. She's got to have something better to do. Also, She's kind of like The Werid Sisters, except nothing she says makes any sense whatsoever, and nobody would go to her for advice. Bubble bubble toilet and trouble, whiskey burn and tweaker mumble. [R & M]
  
  
• Usher is a crier. Every time he watches Extreme Home Makeover, he cries. 'Few things here: (1) This is the lead Page Six story today, probably because the other two major gossip stories (Alexa Ray Joel and Tiger-Style) get their own reports, but still: depressing; (2) Everyone cries at Extreme Home Makeover. People without tear ducts cry at Extreme Home Makeover. That doesn't make any less shitty or exploitative of a show. They're prying on your middle-class-and-above selfishness and need to compensate for it with guilt (or, if you're Usher, your boatloads of scratch), so your natural reaction is, of course, to cry. Well, guess what: when you're done crying, those people and their twelve adopted children have still been fucked eight ways to Pluto by the universe and they also still have a smile on their face at the end of the day. In swoops ABC with their cameras and JC Penny's with their advertising and the screamy tweakergay who scares the shit out of me. They get the house, everyone cries, and like that, we've all been subverted by the fucked up corporate entity that—by four or so degrees—probably resulted in their poor living conditions in the first place. So go ahead, keep crying. Assholes. But this doesn't change the fact that (3) Ush-urr got the beat make the booty go (CLAP). [Page Six]
  
  
• Johnson & Johnson heir Casey Johnson was dumped by "lover and friend" Courtenay Semel, but neither of them were in Twilight so I don't give a shit. Come back when you sparkle or can turn into an eagle or some shit. [Page Six]
  
  
• JEETAH! He eats chicken. [Page Six]
  
  
• Great. Tyra Banks was spotted eating at Market Table the other night with her boyfriend. The Page Six item is about how they were there eating all the fatty foots but honestly, it's like, just stay out of New York's good restaurants, Tyra. You don't need to eat. Your life encourages other people not to eat, or to throw up, or in my case, to involuntarily projectile vom. Go to Nello's. Shit, go to Buddakahn. Read all the fake books painted on the walls, come out "smarter." But Market Table? Seriously. If you take it to Joseph Leonard I'm gonna burn the West Village to the ground. [Page Six]
  
  
• Love it. Today show producers wanted to get her to talk about this so they were all like, So, Kathy Lee, Frank fucked around on you. This makes you an expert on Tiger Woods, right? [R & M, Second Item]
  
  
• Gianni Versace (pronounced VER-SAZE-EE) "must be turning in his grave" according to Page Six. What, did someone realize that his Peacock-print shirts were ugly as a fucking moon rock? I didn't read the rest of this item. I think it's about his Miami house. Former house. Former, because he's dead. [Page Six]
  
  
• What the fuck?

  F. Warrington Gillet Jr. can finally rest in peace. "Big Warry," as he was known in Palm Beach, died seven years ago and had a big funeral befitting his bloodlines — one ancestor was US Ambassador to the Soviet Union Joseph Davies, the husband of Marjorie Merriweather Post. But his widow, steel heiress Elesabeth Ingalls Boykin Gillet, never put a tombstone on his unmarked grave in Maryland.

  Okay guys, if F. Warrington Gillet Jr. can make Page Six, if you dream it, you can, too. Just make sure you send Richard and Neel an unmarked envelope stacked with enough cash to get them to get an intern to write this shit up. In fact, I'm working on an item about how the two cats I don't own, Captain Scuzzybutt Esq. and Muffin McCloud III fell in love, as they recounted the story to a party in Miami at Art Basel while everyone drank Veuve Cliquot on dry ice and Andy Dick tried to put his pants on backwards. [Page Six]
  
  

• Guys, does Barbara Corcoran have a main line into Page Six, or what? This week, there's a story about the real estate queen bumping into Robert DeNiro in the "Today" show makeup room. De Niro—still kinda funny—asked her how the real estate business was [get it? Because it's fucked and etc, yeah, you get it.] and she responded by asking if he was still with that beautiful wife of his. Cute. But AH-HA! Two weeks ago, during that same visit to the Today Show, Babs' (far funnier) story about running into Len Berman at Today was ALSO reported. So! Either Today has an intern hiding in a houseplant to collect decent anecdotes, Barbara Corcoran has an awesome publicist, or Corcoran's been hanging out at Today was too much. There are any number of scenarios in this case, but the fact that I feel pride in being able to connect these two items only means that I need to get out more. Also, Babs, if you're looking for a hot PR drop, holla. I can't take cash like the real gossips, but it's always good to know a decent real estate agent in this town. Apartment hunting's a bitch. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosanne Barr sits around and talks shit with former First Lady Barbara Bush, who "hates" Obama. Well, that's okay, Barbara Bush, you're sitting around talking with Rosanne Barr. [R & M, Second Item]
  
  
• A Harvard dean who was supposed to be at an event with Mark Conseulos and Kelly Ripa came down with Swine Flu. Good to know where your professors hang out, Harvard: with Kelly Ripa and in places you can catch Swine Flu. Ivy league, my ass. [Page Six]
  
  
• Natalie Portman thanked director Jim Sheriden for the "special effects" on Brothers. I'm thankful to Natalie Portman for getting quoted using the word "tits" in the Daily News. [R & M, Fourth Item]
  
  
• Anthony Haden-Guest—who, and, really, I'm not going to explain—was roasting artist Damien Hirst (who is an Important Artist right now selling Expensive Art to Fancy People) at The Standard in Miami (where Art Basel is wrapping up) and he did it with this fairly crafty poem, entitled "A Brilliant But Inexplicably Underappreciated Artist Contemplates Some Figures in the Landscape." It went: "Why would I want to see him immersed / In formaldehyde next to his putrid shark / And sold as a set to an oligarch?" This was in reference to a Hirst piece sold to a billionaire. What I like about thinking about artists who only sell paintings for bazillions of dollars because they all blew Larry Gagosian is that they're a fine lesson in exactly what kind of art sells in this world: theirs, and their poster reprints at the MoMA. And that's really all you need to know! [Page Six]
  
  
• Glenn Beck is "cool" with gay marriage and thinks we should just leave the institution of marriage "alone." This is funny, because, regardless of your gender, Glenn Beck's job is to stick his dick in your ear. [R & M, Fifth Item]
  
  
• Awesomely funny asshole-comic Jim Norton almost got his spine snapped in half by Jesse "The Body" Ventura (R) on live radio recently. See, people: radio isn't dead. Especially whenever Jim Norton might be. [Page Six]
  
  
• R & M buried a few decent items on their last page, but I've spent way too long on this, so here: Zack Galifinakis likes working in Brooklyn on Bored to Death because he can ride his bike to work, subtext, every woman in Brooklyn wants him and he gets to watch on his way to work. Sub-subtext: I still don't understand the appeal of Zack Galifinakis. KiKi Dunst got drunk at dinner. Chelsea Handler's dating the guy who runs Comcast who will soon run NBC and we will soon all eat out of Chelsea Handler-emblazoned dogbowls. Julian Lennon who was the Lennon son John had that acts more like Paul (HA!) is doing something that doesn't involve Yoko Fucking Ono and that's all that matters. [R & M]

Running a wee bit late today. Whoops! Anyway, I'm well-rested, and we hope you are, too. I think another nine girls who slept with Tiger Woods are outing themselves today, so, you know, word: another few slides on the dossier, notches on the belt, balls in the holes, whatever. How's everyone doing this morning? Let's kick it off with a nice jam.

Thank you for your continued support of Gawker Weekends.

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

This is the same existential dilemma diet writers face. After all, there are only so many permutations of "eat less, exercise more" available in the English language. Likewise, we all know the basics for swine flu (wash hands, cover mouth) and are reaching critical saturation with the advanced stuff (tamiflu shortages, virus hot spots) which means medical journalists have to get creative if they want to send us into H1N1-induced panics these days. But don't give up hope! Here's a lesson from The Wall Street Journal's Rebecca Smith on how you, too, can send the reading masses scrambling for the Purell:

1. Open with a banal fact that everyone takes for granted.

Neckties are rarely, if ever, cleaned.

2. Describe how said banal fact is actually menacing.

When a patient is seated on the examining table, doctors' ties often dangle perilously close to sneeze level.

3. Bolster the argument with expert consensus.

In recent years, a debate has emerged in the medical community over whether they harbor dangerous germs.

The British Medical Association already decided the issue. It recommended in 2006 that physicians jettison "functionless" articles of clothing, including neckties, "as superbugs can be carried on them."

4. Quell doubt with confusing quantitative evidence.

An 2004 analysis of neckties worn by 42 doctors and medical staffers at the New York Hospital Medical Center of Queens found that nearly half carried bacteria that could cause illnesses such as pneumonia and blood infections. That compared with 10% for ties worn by security guards at the hospital.

5. Add a dash of controversy for flair...

But many doctors favor ties for the air of formality they lend the profession.

6. ...And a pinch of creative solutions to really dazzle 'em.

That has turned into an opportunity for April Strider, founder of SafeSmart Inc. The St. Augustine, Fla., company sells ties treated with a stain-resistant coating that the company says thwarts microbes.

Congratulations, you just wrote a scary and/or enlightening article about the swine flu epidemic. If you're lucky, you'll get top billing at the front of your publication and a stipple illustration to boot. [WSJ]

The Associated Press reports that a 13-year-old cat was lethargic, had trouble breathing and had a loss of appetite. When it was taken to the vet, bang! Swine flu. The unnamed cat is now recovered. "This may be the first instance where we have documentation that transmission occurred involving cats or dogs, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention spokesman Tom Skinner told the AP.

The report also casually mentions that two ferrets - one in Oregon and one in Nebraska - had the swine flu, "but they died." Because apparently no-one cares about ferrets and they're allowed to die without making news. Let's all take a moment to remember them please.

I'm waiting for the Glenn Beck animal swine flu vaccination backlash. And also for a wild panic about millions of cats dying that is not really justified.

Next headline: Selfish Obama Wants Your Kids to Die! Why, God, Why?!

[Story: White House Blog
Pic: Dance With Shadows]

Because, as we all know, the h1n1 vaccine is a big-government brain control plot. Or it is a money-making scam by Big Pharma. Or it is the mist from the Stephen King book. Or the thing the Others inject you with in Lost. Whatever it is, it will definitely give you autism. That is basically proven, now, because otherwise why wouldn't Sasha and Malia have gotten vaccinated yet? Just because there is a shortage of vaccines and children with impaired immune systems are receiving vaccines first?

(Or maybe they haven't been vaccinated yet because Michelle reads the section of The Huffington Post that is about lady issues and health and also there is a lot, seriously a lot, about how vaccines will kill you.)

Maher cites the CDC website that shows ingredients of the vaccine including aluminum, insect repellent, and formaldehyde, which, incidentally can all be found in the Playboy mansion grotto that Maher's known to frequent.

Maher went on to connect the dots to other procedures we now know are dangerous, like filling teeth with mercury. Without skipping a beat, in response to Maher's question as to if he ever had his teeth filled with mercury, Alec Baldwin deadpanned, "Yeah, that's why I became an actor."

Chris Matthews asked Maher why he's talking about this, Maher countered that he's just trying to have the debate. But Maher already had the debate last week with Bill Frist and was trying to use the panel to air out his grievances. Baldwin wasn't having it "Bill, you having us on the show and rehashing all the problems you got into on your last show is like going on a date and talking about your ex-wife." leaving Maher with a perfect softball to toss back to Baldwin who left himself wide open saying "Maybe we can talk about your past problems."

A 60 Minutes report by correspondent Scott Pelley revealed a demographic most susceptible to the H1N1 virus. "This is one of the really tragic parts of this epidemic. That people who are in the prime of their life - totally healthy can suddenly become so sick,"

If it wasn't bad enough that boomers left them with one of the worst economies in 50 years, The Youngs now have an epidemic with a target placed squarely on their messenger bag-carrying backs. Why does the virus have such age discrimination? Dr. Peter Palese of Mt. Sinai Medical Center in New York told 60 Minutes that older folks have built up a immunity from viruses lingering from the 1940s they came in contact with.

Will the vaccine kill you? Only one way to find out.

• It's hard keeping track of Jennifer Aniston's alleged love life. One day she's screwing Gerard Butler, the next it's secret meetings with Brad. Now she's apparently staying in close contact with her "ex" John Mayer, on whom she's "hooked" and "can't let go." Yes, it can all get confusing, but at least she only has three in the rotation. For now. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin's former babysitter claims Jon hacked into Kate's emails and now Kate's saying she may talk to her lawyers because she's "disturbed" by it all. Yeah, so are we. [Us]
  
  
• Oh, haha! Professional actor Jesse Metcalfe joked that he got erections while making out with Eva Longoria. No wonder this guy doesn't get more acting jobs. [TMZ]
  
  
• Donald Trump continues his war of words on Tilda Swinton, who opposes his plans to construct a golf course on a Scottish coast. She compared it to poor people's forceful evictions during the Highland Clearance's gentrification, which led Trump to say of the world-famous actress: "It's a shame that she would disgrace the thousands of Scots who suffered for her own personal gain and in order to get some easy publicity for herself." [Page Six]
  
  
• Tao will pay Kim Kardashian $50,000 to "celebrate" her birthday at their Las Vegas location. Life's truly unfair. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney's son, James, was trying to quietly start a music career. Now the papers are on to him, so that bubble's burst. [The Sun]
  
  
• California claims Patti LuPone owes nearly $10,000 in back taxes, but her people say it just isn't so, because the actress is "meticulous" about paying the tax man. So there! [Page Six]
  
  
• Ahhh! We've seen scary skinny models, and Miranda Kerr definitely deserves honorary mention. Well done! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Melissa Rycroft, who's a "celebrity" for being on The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars, has swine flu... [NYDN]
  
  
• ...And MSNBC's think Rycroft's announcing her swine flu for publicity. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Poor Fred Durst! Married three months and it's already over. [People]
  
  
• Just when you thought the Kanye/Taylor Swift scandal had gone to tabloid heaven, Taylor Swift hints that she may make fun of it when she hosts Saturday Night Live. Sounds like too easy a set-up. [Star]
  
  
• Sources say GQ photo-shopped January Jones' boobs to make them bigger, but photo editor Dora Samo insists Jones just uses what her mama gave her: "Yes, they're real. And they're spectacular." [Page Six]
  
  
• A second autopsy reveals that cocaine did not contribute to Billy Mays' death. Now, let's let the poor man's family rest. [NYDN]

It's an underrated virtue. When these two get together, it's usually pretty fun. You can enjoy the quiet seething of Bill O'Reilly, who'd probably rather have thought of Beck's shtick first, if it weren't so beneath him.

The setup: Beck and O'Reilly are arguing about the Swine Flu shot. Beck will not disclose whether or not he'll get the shot. O'Reilly will get the shot; he thinks it's better for the general public that he doesn't infect everyone around him. Any symbolism here is purely coincidental. Beck jokes that his viewers are zombies. There's never truth in any joke, ever. Bill O'Reilly suggests that Glenn Beck might be the highest rated pundit in sincere need of mental health care.

Thank you, Media Matters:

Bill O'Reilly might have mixed feelings about Glenn Beck.

The WSJ says that terrified religious types across the nation have given in to fear of the Satanic disease and are dispensing with the use of common communion cups. That's just what the pig flu wants you to do, people!

At a United Church of Christ congregation in the suburbs of Chicago, Communion servers now slice up bread into bite-sized bits before distributing Communion; they no longer offer congregants a loaf from which to tear a hunk of bread. In the interest of keeping fingers away from communion wine, communicants at All Saints' Chapel in Sewanee, Tenn., are now instructed not to dip their Eucharistic bread into the cup but rather to sip the cup directly, since hands are often more infectious than mouths.

Christ himself further suggests that "Maybe you guys can just gaze upon me from afar" until flu season is over.
[Pic via]

• Tila Tequila's life's been a bit hectic as of late, but we had no idea how hard she was taking it all: she's been tweeting about taking her own life because "God spoke to me and told me I am needed up there." Oh boy... Tequila also wrote that a friend stopped her from doing the deed, but she plans on doing it in two weeks. Someone help this woman. [Ace]
  
  
• A man in a thong manhandled Kate Moss at Simon Cowell's birthday and all she got for the trouble was an angry boyfriend. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tyler Perry admitted on his website that he was sexually abused as a child. No punchline there. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katie "Jordan" Price's sexy fighter boyfriend Alex Reid enjoys dressing up in women's clothing. Yes, seriously. [Mirror]
  
  
• After 22-years of strutting her stuff, Claudia Schiffer says she'll retire from the catwalk. But don't worry, she insists she'll still model for print ads, the poor dear. [The Sun]
  
  
• Guns N' Roses are being sued by some musicians who claim the band stole tracks for Chinese Democracy. If Axl and company really did steal the tracks, that's sad: it took the band about a million years to make. [NYDN]
  
  
• Police found what they're calling a suicide note penned by Ryan Jenkins, the reality star who killed himself after being accused of killing his wife, Jasmine Fiore. The note makes not mention of Fiore. [People]
  
  
• Brian Littrell, who's in a bygone band called the Backstreet Boys, has swine flu. [Us]
  
  
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes temporarily moved to Boston and no one cares. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Nicole Richie was hospitalized after a minor car accident. She'll be fine. [People]
  
  
• The security surrounding Michael Jackson's tomb has been "scaled back." Grave robbers, start your pillaging! [TMZ]
  
  
• President Obama never picks Democratic Sen. Bob Casey for his basketball team. See? He doesn't play partisan games. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mad Men actor Bryan Batt's marrying his boyfriend. How fabulous! [Perez]
  
  
• Lars von Trier's new movie, Antichrist, will give you a seizure and send you straight to hell. [Page Six]

That means it should be possible to vaccinate - well before the flu's expected midwinter peak - all the 159 million people that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimate are in the high-risk groups: pregnant women, people under 24 years old or caring for infants, people with high-risk medical conditions and health-care workers.

Whoa whoa whoa—I could have sworn that there are 300 million people in the USA. The socialist government is once again telling the Middle-Aged White Man to suck it! Fend for yourselves! Give the life-saving medicine to welfare people! NObama's not a pregnant woman but how much do you want to bet he gets some vaccine, hmm?

Even hogs are treated better than the Grown White Man these days. Outrageous.
[Pic: AP]

Mr. Mayor, what do kids do to each other?

"Kids touch each other, and that's the real world," the mayor said on Tuesday, when asked about the matter. "And I'm not so sure you want a kid that doesn't want to high-five or hug or something. But I won't get involved in that..."

Yes, ok. We can't wait for the confessional Times Magazine piece on how abstaining from air kisses due to the Swine Flu threat caused one New York journalist's deep depression, divorce, and drug abuse. It will cost $500,000 to report.

Here is what the President's Council of Advisors on Science and Technology officially consider a "possibility," this fall:

• 20%-40% of the US population develops swine flu.
• Two million Americans hospitalized.
• 300,000 in intensive care.
• 90,000 dead, from swine flu.

Haha, douchebag Donny Deutsch is now an MSNBC anchor. Related(???): Howard Dean is guest-hosting Keith Olbermann's MSNBC show tonight and tomorrow. What is brewing over at MSNBC? Ayahuasca is our guess.


Yo check out how awesome this Pulitzer prize-winning former Copley News Service dude named Jerry Kammer is: "When Gannett bought the paper, they turned Arizona into a colony. As history shows, the purpose of a colony is not to provide for the well-being of the natives; it is to generate profits for the home country, which in this case was Gannett corporate headquarters." Preach! "The Gannettoids aren't uniquely guilty. They're just part of the steady ascendancy of buccaneer capitalism in our country. Look at Wall Street, where the bastards went wild with the smiling benediction of Alan Greenspan, whose every non-move was directed by the Gospel of Ayn Rand...I used to think my politics were moderate or slightly left-of-center. But the perversions of capitalism that I've seen during my career as a reporter (including several years covering Charlie Keating and the plundering of the S&Ls) have persuaded me that Karl Marx was right when he said capitalism would be destroyed by its own excesses." This cat is off the hook. Nuff respect, Jerry Kammer.


Now, contrast Mr. Kammer—a former journalist—with John Fund, who wrote this on the august editorial page of the WSJ just yesterday: "Ms. Palin appeared liberated by leaving office and used blunt words to take her media critics down a peg. 'You represent what could and should be a respected, honest profession that could and should be a cornerstone of our democracy,' she said. 'Democracy depends on you, and that is why — that's why our troops are willing to die for you. So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit makin' things up.'...
Ms. Palin will no doubt have a future as a stump speaker and political commentator in the lower 48, and her media critique certainly will find receptive audiences."
The lesson: former journalists are far wiser than current ones. Or maybe it's just: John Fund is stupid.


New York Times reporter Sheryl Gay Stolberg's teenage daughter was quarantined in China with suspected swine flu. Who will be next? And will they be able to parlay their swine flu experience into a New York Times story? The answers are "Thomas Friedman's second cousin" and "you betcha."


The LA Times is all fucked up: somebody clicked on the "Print edition" version online and got this screenshot this morning. Here's hoping this is not the actual print edition!

A tipster tells us this comes from an internal NGS memo, and refers to the Washington, DC office:

Possible H1N1 case at NG
Article posted by Karen Gilmour

Statement from [NGS Human Resources SVP] Tony Sabló
An NG staffer has come down with what may well be the Society's first
diagnosed case of the H1N1 virus, which has also been known as swine
flu. While the lab test results are still pending, the general wisdom
in medical circles these days is to treat any such set of symptoms as
if it is, in fact, H1N1.

The employee is now resting at home under a doctor's care and is
expected to make a full recovery. While members of the person's work
group have been contacted by our medical unit about precautions they
may take, we thought this would be a good time to remind everyone
about "best practices" to reduce the risk of contracting any and all
communicable diseases, including the flu.

Clearly, swine flu has become self-aware and is moving further and further up the intellectual food chain: it went from private schools to Conde Nast to the Washington Post to the National Geographic Society. Soon it will start systematically attacking institutions that really matter, such as the Sanitation Department.

This is only the beginning.