1. Andrea Peyser confronts the mom of a 16 year-old shooting suspect about why she is such a bad mom that her kid would shoot somebody. Answer: Because she is selfish and she lets her son hang out with his relatives thugs. Black people! Why can't they raise kids the right way? "There do exist real fathers. Take Federico Grullon. He won't allow his three kids to leave the house."
Black kids should be shackled at all times.

2. Did you know there is a soup kitchen now for orothodox Jews? And other Jews are facing foreclosure? But Jews are the ones with all the money!

So — shhh! — The United Jewish Appeal has started Connect to Care, which already has given more than 8,000 needy Jews financial services, job help and mental-health counseling to get through unfamiliar territory.
Just don't expect anyone to admit it.

3. "If Johnny Depp is the Sexiest Man Alive, I'm swearing off men." That one wasn't totally unexpected.

You probably know Christina Ambers' feet from such ads as "Rescue Me," "Maybelline," and "Sally Hansen Hard as Nails Xtreme Wear." She is only considered the hottest foot model around these days, that's all. And her hands aren't too shabby either!

Anyhow she married the doorman at her building on E. 74 St., and now she's alleging in a $10 million lawsuit that the co-op board is trying to evict her because they simply can't stand the sight of the doorman, a poor, rubbing all up on the precious rich sexxxy feet of Ambers, a non-poor. Other residents in her building say the couple had a tumultuous relationship, made noise, and had the cops called to their apartment. The Post, predictably, ignores that angle in favor of class war without mercy, leading its story with "Stick to taking out the recyclables, Angel."

The most interesting part of this story, of course, is not actual facts. It's the question of whether the New York Post can stir up a decent amount of class-based outrage amongst its readers on behalf of a couple that is one-half Latino man from the Bronx. If Ambers had married, say, a poor but proud firefighter from Bay Ridge, this would be an easy layup. But can the Post's faux-populism overcome its real racism? We shall see.

There's always the sexxxy feet pics to fall back on!
[Pic: Christina Ambers' Flickr]

Andrea today issues her sentencing recommendations in the case of liberal lawyer Lynne Stewart: Let the fat bitch rot. That is an accurate summary!

Let her rot.

Charismatic terror monger Lynne Stewart is no beauty. But she is a great actress.

The lady ex-lawyer who loves terrorists too much lumbered into the Manhattan federal courtroom in 2006, all 200-plus pounds of fire-breathing radical.

What a terrible, fat lady. She should have gotten more time, just to do those prison workouts! Eh?

Her lawyers said — are you ready? — Stewart was too fat for the lockup.

Lawyer Elizabeth Fink said her obese client's breast cancer was sure to return in a place where women are denied the dignity of wearing bras.

"If you send her to prison, she is going to die," Fink intoned.

We should be so lucky.

You can write to Andrea at andrea.peyser@nypost.com.

One might say the hotel's guests are really getting into the spirit of the place! The Standard did everything it could to encourage its reputation as a $400 a night orgy den. Let's look back at this nice NY Post story from September 2:

Even hotel staffers and managers get in on the act, workers said, stripping down and posing provocatively in front of the massive floor-to-ceiling windows to draw attention to the hotel, which straddles the city's new High Line Park.

"We don't discourage it. In actual fact, we encourage it," a friendly bellhop told a pair of reporters as they checked in yesterday at The Standard, where randy guests cavort with abandon to the dismay — or delight — of parkgoers below.

Fucking in front of the assembled crowds below was actually the basis of the hotel's marketing policy, in a very thinly veiled way. Well, now we can officially dub that a "miscalculation;" last weekend, a hotel guest decided to help himself to the cleaning lady. She came in his room; he started chatting her up, asked if she had a boyfriend, asked if she thought he was handsome, then went ahead and jumped on her. (He was unsuccessful).

Could have happened anywhere, of course. But it's probably a much smaller mental leap for a horny hotel guest to decide that the cleaning lady must be interested in a quick fuck if he's staying in a place that's already been all over the tabloids for running ads saying "We'll put up with your banging if you'll put up with ours." Orgies are included with the room rate, right?

Hard to believe that not one marketing person, at any point, said, "These ads are edgy and all, but it sure would suck for us if any sex crimes happened in this place. Ya know?" Anyhow, expect the Standard Hotel to come up with some new taglines soon. It is very convenient to transportation!
[Pic: Ed Yourdon]

According to a story in the New York Times today (in which the NYT tries very hard to suppress its glee), the Post's circulation has fallen by 30% in less than three years, to just a hair over half a million; and its financial losses were around $70 million last year, making the paper an expensive habit even by Rupert Murdoch's standards. And the fact that Rupert's adding local reporting to the WSJ makes Post reporters (reasonably) nervous they're falling out of favor.

We must not let this perpetually money-losing right-wing tabloid fall from grace! New York would be such a boring newspaper city without a loud, drunk voice of opposition. A few helpful suggestions:

• Andrea Peyser's sexxxy, but is she sexxxy enough? Millions of people in New York have sex every day without being mentioned in Andrea Peyser's column. Work on that.
• Col Allan is drunk, but is he drunk enough? Secretly rig the water fountains to emit gin, if you haven't done so already.
• Sean Delonas is racist, but is he racist enough? Racist cartoons are all well and good, but try upping Sean's visibility by getting him out there on the street, among the people, beating up minorities, then quick-sketching it on a blog. After he's all done promoting his children's book.

Andrea Peyser scoffs at ESPN's Steve Phillips claiming a sex addiction just because he sexed up his young assistant. Andrea Peyser thinks sex addict treatment "Sounds like a great way to meet horny chicks." And how!

Addictions are routinely compared to deadly diseases, such as cancer, by people who'd rather drink than put down the glass, the crack pipe, or — hopefully — the condom. This is an outrage that sickens those who are truly diseased.

In the rest of her column she advises Jennifer Anniston, "Next time, try showering with a friend."; she calls the Yankess "oversexed"; she jealously mocks Maureen Dowd for wanting to bone the president; and she curses New Yorkers for being so fat, and unsexy.

There is no shame in seeking help, Andrea.

This is a New York Post exclusive from a prison snitch source—and that combo last wowed the world with the story about how Madoff has cancer, which turned out to be false. So regulate your credulousness accordingly!

Anyhow, the story goes that Madoff and another prisoner were arguing about the stock market, of all things, and the other dude shoved Bernie, and Bernie—to the surprise of all the hard rocks—shoved the dude back so hard that he fell down. Then the other dude took off like a punk! Madoff earned himself some "cred," according to the Post. It's practically a scene-by-scene reenactment of American Me up in there! And what horrific gang violence is coming now that Bernie set it off?

The next day, Madoff and his attacker, described by inmates as a white male over 60 years old, made up and were spotted hanging out together.

Outstanding. Until another paper gets its act together and starts bribing those prison snitches as well as the Post does, we'll have to take their word for it.

Please God let the Black Guerilla Family recruit Bernie Madoff.
[Pic: Getty]

• That Dude Mostly Blackmailed Letterman Just to Make Him Feel Pain, Allegedly: The New York Post's daily Letterman angle is that Joe Halderman, the guy who tried to extort Dave for $2 mil, didn't even care about the money that much—he wanted to see suffering! "He wants to hurt Letterman as much as he can — and he wanted to hurt the girl, too," said a snitch. Probably because Dave was still boning Stephanie Birkitt, Halderman's girlfriend.
• Grandma Speaks: Stephanie Birkitt's 90 year-old grandmother told the Post, "She said she never had sex with him." Christ. Leave that old lady alone, sex-talking reporters.
• Sexy Letters Exist Maybe: Hello, the Daily News still has some fight in it! New York's slightly less skeevy tabloid gets back in the Letterman Scandal Game with today's story: Stephanie Birkitt wrote (but never mailed) "'trashy' love letters [to Letterman] that will embarrass them both when they become public, sources said Tuesday." One might argue that we cum-hungry tabloid news outlets should be more embarrassed about reading and publicizing the contents of a lady's unsent private love letters. It's a debatable matter!
• Who's Leaking All This?: Yesterday we mused over who might be the source for all this inside info about the case. Letterman's camp? Halderman's lawyer? Birkitt's friends? Judging by what's come out today, we can safely assume: It's the fucking cops.

This morning's big scoop, courtesy of the New York Post:

Pretty former "Late Show" staffer Stephanie Birkitt revealed in her diary that she continued having sex with boss David Letterman even after moving in with her CBS-producer boyfriend, who later allegedly tried to extort him over the affair, sources told The Post yesterday.

So much to parse! Birkitt is officially "pretty," for purposes of this scandal at least. More interesting: Who is this source, who viewed Stephanie Birkitt's diary, and then blabbed about it to the most salacious paper in America? It's highly unlikely that it's Stephanie herself. It's not her boyfriend Joe Halderman, the cuckolded blackmailer. Maybe his lawyer?

OR MAYBE: David Letterman is so pissed about all of this that somebody on his side leaked this to the Post, just to make the point that, hey Halderman, Dave was totally boning your lady, how you like that? "Halderman exploded when he read Birkitt's diary in December and learned that she was still carrying on a steamy affair with Letterman, the sources said." We bet they did say that, the sources!

Would Halderman even gain any benefit by having his lawyer leak this? Not only is he an incompetent villainous criminal, he was also cheated on by his lady. Maybe he's trying to play the "I too was victimized by David Letterman" card? Trade away the very last shreds of his reputation in exchange for some public sympathy?

If so, that's bound to fail. The important thing is that the tabloids' "Every Time David Letterman Had Sex" chart is now slightly more complete.
[Pics: AP]

Julia Ioffe alerts us to this report out of Russia, where the owner of a tabloid chain is opening a Yellow Journalism School. It's just like regular journalism school except it might get you a job one day, zing! This delightfully Google-translated paragraph really says it all:

Secret skills tabloid journalist with the trainees will be divided itself Gabrelyanov. . It is planned to organize special courses on sports and secular journalism. By teaching will involve also other members of "News Media". In addition, Gabrelyanov hopes entertain the idea of teaching and her boyfriend.

Do you really want to get involved with these Russians and be forced to "entertain" someone's boyfriend, if you know what we mean? Why not be an intern for us instead? It doesn't cost you anything, and you will come out as ignorant as you went in, but meaner. Perfectly prepared for a job at the New York Post.

CNN:

Highlights, too? Awesome! CBS, Fox News, the Daily News, the New York Post all ran some variation of the AP report, some of them with their own contributions.

The Daily Beast fucking loved this story. They used it to take the opportunity to trot out crime statistics in the form of lists they compiled for the Top 25 Safest and Most Dangerous (!!!) Colleges in America. Did you go to one? Do you want to go to one? So, naturally, this:

There's almost an air of disappointment to it, like their news cycle might end? Goddamn. American media loves themselves a good murder. Just look to Rebecca Rosenberg's grisly (and incorrect) detailing of it in the New York Post.

And yeah, I know, I know: (1) obviously, (2) first stone, etc, and (3) you're making it worse by writing about it, you self-righteous prick. All of which are true accusations you can aim my way. So, media issues: they're complex.

I'm just over this story. And sensationalized murder stories, period. They're just depressing, and they seem outdated, and we only hear about the ones that instill some kind of fear in us. Which is nothing like these two guys getting killed today in Chicago. Or this kid, who was beaten to death. Or these two, killed in the Valley last night. Yes: Le's murder was especially sad because of the proximity to the wedding date. It was shocking because she went to Yale, where America's future rich and successful go. But we're not gonna read about anyone else's funerals.

And really: we've come far. There's gotta be something better to make worse than it already is.

Walking through Midtown streets awash with foul-smelling dignitaries, I hoofed it yesterday to the Libyan Mission on the East Side.
It was my civic, moral and aesthetic duty to confront the butcher on the very turf where, I believed, he had parked his camel.

Ha, "foul-smelling dignitaries." I don't even get it! Then Andrea went up and harassed a Libyan security guard, who, after much prodding, turned Khadafy over to her. She and Col Allan are currently taking turns beating the soles of his feet with a nail-studded clothesline deep inside the News Corp. building.

Her next column will be about sex.

Faux Paper Flip Flop Caper! After acting exceptionally wack about the whole thing yesterday, the New York Post now says "We're Flattered!" by the Fake NYP stunt. Oh? Then why did the NYP kill the spoofers, break their bones, and shove them in a tiny hole? A source told us that.


You fools. Enrollment at US journalism schools is up this year. At Columbia, J-school applications are up more than 40%. Maybe that whole spiel about "You are the future of journalism, you will think up the next great journalism idea blah blah blah" will come true? Let's hope so.


Magazines: a meager handful of them are gaining in ad page sales! 22 of the 154 titles min tracks gained in October ad pages. Big winner: Interview, up 98%. Which may be more of an indicator that they had a terrible October last year? Also Style Watch, Texas Monthly, All You, and Southern Living are strong. Congrats to stylish southern ad buyers, the sales category of the future!


Harbinger Capital, the hedge fund that owns about a fifth of New York Times Co.'s stock, sold off about 20% of its stake. Probably because owning NYT Co. stock is not a great way to make money.

NYP reporter Rebecca Rosenberg's story yesterday was, without a doubt, the grossest, most vivid depiction yet of the crime scene:

Accused murderer Ray Clark was so desperate to hide his heinous handiwork that he allegedly broke the bones and mangled the body of a strangled Yale grad student to fit it through a wall opening the size of a computer screen, The Post has learned.
"He just crushed her in there. She was like mush — she was so smashed up you couldn't recognize her," said a source

The story makes pretty specific statements on the condition of the body, presumably thanks to a police source. But now the New Haven police say it's false:

State's Attorney Michael Dearington asked the New Haven Police Department to clarify the inaccuracy, which he said was picked up by other media outlets.
"This information is false and this myth must be dispelled at the request of the state's attorney," said New Haven Police Chief James Lewis.

Rosenberg's bylines show she's a hard worker who's been on the Le story since before we even knew she was murdered. Somebody's obviously feeding her lurid info. But it's hard to see why the police would go to the trouble of denying it unless it was actually false. It's possible that her story does have a grain of truth, but that it got hyped up by the Post's editing process so much that it was rendered false.

Or maybe they just print whatever?
[Pic: AP]

The Post's PR firm, Rubenstein, sent us this dynamic statement:

Witless Spoof in Flawless Format

It's no surprise that they tried to spoof the New York Post; they figured this time they'd choose a paper people actually love to read. But this is a limp effort. It has none of the wit and insight New Yorkers expect from their favorite paper. The Post will not be hiring any of their headline writers.

[Jeff Bercovici. Pic via]

Over the weekend, the Post's magical resurrection of the Spitzer hooker scandal hit its peak. Instead of taking our advice and either disappearing or becoming a self-sustaining business mogul via pornography (either one of which would make her the master of her own fate and Money$$), Ashley foolishly chose to "get into bed," HEH, so to speak, with the dirty tabloid, in exchange for some "publicity" for her "musical career." It is a trick, Ashley! Give up this "musical" "career" at once and get as far away from the Post as possible!

The paper extracted the following things from the empowered young woman over the weekend:
1. Sexxxy photos.
2. Exclusive debut and video for her craptastic new pop song.

In return they gave her a puff piece calling her a "poster child for redemption." LOL! Oh and an explanatory piece on her tattoos. That too. And the Post's most painful concession (if you're a music critic): A positive review of her new single, "I Feel So Alive Without You." It's in the paper, but not online. That may have been a concession to Dan Aquilante, the critic forced to write this:

Unlike her first single, "Inside Out," a molasses-tempo ballad, this new tune has youth appeal in its complex melody that segues from a rock opening to a poppy chorus and ultimately plays with an unplugged acoustic bridge. Dupre should consider weaving in a quick rap for good measure.

Yes, weaving in a quick rap usually gives these things a touch of class. Aquilante didn't let this mandatory positive review go through without exacting his revenge in the kicker:

Ask any rock star and they'll tell you it's all about hooks, looks and the smarts to know how to take advantage of an opportunity when it falls into your lap — Miss Dupre has an abundance of all three qualities.

References to hookers and lap dances. You see Ashley, this is just the nature of the game. It was actually impressive when you turned down multimillion-dollar porn offers in the wake of the Spitzer scandal and went quiet for a while. What you don't realize, Ashley: the New York tabloid industry is shadier than the porn industry. And the tabloids don't even pay you.

Kristin Davis was allegedly the second Spitzer prostitution connection after Ashley Dupre, but who really knows? The important thing is that she has an opinion on this "Spitzer comeback" business, and that she posted it on her blog last week:

There is far more to tell about Eliot Spitzer, the ladies and the way he treated them. There is also far more to tell about Spitzer's relationships with multiple New York Escort services including several of my competitors when I was in the business. I'm sure if he and I both ran these facts would come in during a spirited campaign...

Yes indeed, if Eliot spitzer throws his hat in the ring, I may just have to jump in the race myself. After all, how I could I do worse than the clowns we have in Albany now?

You should, scary lady! This prostitute-ring runner is in favor of legalized prostitution and legalized marijuana and says it's preposterous that she went to jail while Spitzer didn't. In other words, she's right about everything.

[Pic: AP]

[Add your own entries in the comments! I'm an ignorant agnostic.]


1. The Beastie Boys' Sabotage video


2/ John Goodman in The Big Lebowski


3. Exodus, Leon Uris


4. Uprising, the movie


5. Munich, the movie


6. Those Inglourious Basterds


7. Adam Sandler as Zohan


8. And then: "A terrorist could put a yarmulke on, say, 'Happy holidays,' and blow the place up." Not if these guys have anything to say about it. Anything involving somersaults, that is.

This is what happens when you don't listen to us, Ashley. We told you not to play footsies with the New York Post. We told you to take the money and run! Or do whatever you like, as long as it does not involve speaking publicly, or singing. You disregarded us and wrote your fancy "blog" about ladies in NY hooking up with rich guys for the luv of money and how is that very much different from being a hooker? That's all the angle the Post needed to go stand on a random NYC street corner speaking to ladies for maybe 20 minutes and turning their idle comments into a citywide hate feud:

"I don't agree with what she said — I would totally never do anything like that," sniffed Justyna Cichon, 29, of Long Island City.

And on top of that the Real Housewives of New Jersey were asked to comment on you, of course, and Andrea Peyser was brought in to provide the sexxxy outrage. Tell us, Andrea—how do Ashley Dupre and Eliot Spitzer go together?

Like Eliot's pasty, white legs and those kinky, black knee socks he couldn't quite lose before doing the nasty.

Thanks, Andrea. So you see, Ashley: You need us. We can be there for you.
U no we just want 2 luv U, gurl.