Yall. Sersly just kind of wish all the popular memes were started by me. Like the hipster grifter, and this is why you're fat, and lolwhatever, like what if you I unveiled that I did all those things. And I was Dooce. And I'm blak. You would totally friend me on f-book, I know it.

N e ways, just feel peeps are always treating blak like a brand, or sub-brand. Like blak peeps are a french horn and white people are acoustic guitars. They're both instruments, yall. Depends on how you play it.

Don't want to make this post all entry-level black and uncomfortable. Like when u make jokes about not getting a cab even though they pick up every1 now. Just think there's a lot of blogs and pundits and smart people out there and we could figure it out if we focused.

Maybe I should live my life in Red HD, like Nyle. That camera makes every1 look good!

OK. THAT VOICE IS OVER.

This was sort of a trying weekend. I had Sasha Grey lined up. Then I had these hipster dewds, which is why I was talking hipster kewl; wanted them 2 feel comfy yall. But didn't come together as planned, and alas the weekend, for WTAN, has come to an end.

We should have Sasha next week though. Unless she fucks me. Sorry, had to do it. No, I'm pretty sure she won't. (again!) She's at Exxxotica, I'm told. But here's some of my questions as a teaser. I have more, but feel free to add yours in the comments and maybe we'll get them in for next weekend.

Have a good one, yall!

Sasha:

1. Do you think you can be seduced via email interview?

2. I haven't seen any of your movies (Really! Well, except for The Girlfriend Experience which I saw last night.) What am I — and others out there — missing from the purely visceral porn side of your oeuvre? Do you consider yourself as having an "oeuvre"?

3. Everyone talks about how smart you are. It sort of feels like when Obama/Black people are celebrated for being "clean and articulate". Are porn stars by and large idiots or something? Do you think your intelligence would stand out in other fields/careers as much?

4. Are you familiar with the 10,000 hours theory, via Malcolm Gladwell and others? It suggests that masters/geniuses of their craft become so by somehow, someway diligently working at their craft for 10,000 hours. Do you think you've hit the 10,000 hours mark for fucking? Are you a "fucking genius"? Are there masters of porn/geniuses of the craft of sex? Sexual outliers. If one fucks for 10,000 hours will one be a genius? How do we identify the geniuses?

TK TK TK

Back to you, Fek. Holla if you need me.

image via

The Hipster-Sensibility "Sweet Spot" is in the ironic-alt quadrant, on the lower left. And you make a Z-trail that ends up in mainstream-sincerity. That's where a "hipster" is doing a lot of looking in the mirror, y'know, if they care or pay attention to items in that quadrant.

Yup, that feels about right. Corrections?

graphic by: Jeff Meininger

But sersly yall, been wondering what I should blog about here on the big gawkr stage. What do u think? What would u blog if u were blk on gawkr? Feel like Megan Fox, and don't want to have to prove I'm smarty-ScarJo but maybe I have to? Just want to be real.

Kinda just want to 'lie' about 'a bunch of shit' and call it 'hipster-griftering' and rock out on sum pa$eviews dewd.

Thing is lately, i kinda feel like doo-doo. not like a dark-race-black thing, like I'm 3/5 of a doo-doo or anything. (chill Sharpton!) just like, unsanitarily lethargic, y'know? Feels like i'm whirling in a toylet bowl and n0thing n e 1 can do. Feel like some peeps think i'm too black-core on my blog, yall. i don't know. is obama too black-core? Feel like i blog like he would.

Wondering if i should blog in more mature fashion. Like Ta-Neezy Coats."Ta-Nehisi" sounds real african. Is he from 'frica? Wonder if its better to be from Africa or be African studies major. Wonder if coats name was Jim Gray or Bob Costas if peeps would respect him as much? not many blak peeps who can keep it real but also throw in the social commentary like he does.

Kinda wish I could blog 50x/day like the pros[e!].

(btw, OMG!!: love loves loved colbert taking down that stupid racist. love when the white superstar celebrities get behind the race issue. feel like everyone's kinda united then.)

Just want black people and wyte peeps to understand each other. not even playing yall. have you seen the wire? u should totally netflix it. best show/movie by wyte peeps about black peeps evar. better than crash yall. even tho i do sometimes feel i'm just crashing into peeps.

Oh. Been thinking it's kinda ridoffulous that 'bams is not on twitter yet. ZOMG! if he's prez and not on Twitter, makes me feel i could b prez 2. like when my friend had a white grlfriend and i knew she would b with me 2 if we met b4 they did.

I don't know. just feel i should b further in life since so many blk peeps are still rioting for chicken or calling 9-1-1 over mcnuggets. is that wrong and racist to feel i m better than them? alwayz feel i have 2 rap to peeps to get them 2 understand me. just want david simons to wryte something shakespearean about my life u know? think i have 'the goods'.

Anyrace. not gonna bore yall with that n e more. This weekend is gonna be real hipster on WTAN, tho. Hipsters don't care about race. think i can relax. Coming up: we've got a Hipster Sensibility Matrix with Tao Lin on blurbage, an Assimilator on this possibly-fake hipster reality show casting call, hoping for Blog Media Bingo with Carls from Hipster Runoff, and maybe some other trix.

Feel this Blak-peeps blgging on Gawker could be big though. Like civil rights meaningful-core, Animal Collective-on-Letterman epic-beowulfian huge. So glad they were on the show cause i want to end my intro posts by tossing it to 'the band', even tho there isn't really a band in the blog, but still want it 2 b meaningful when i say 'here's this weekend's band'. so now i can post that vid and have it mean something.

Just want it to mean something when i blog yall.

image: via

Here's what you DO need:

• An unquenchable desire for fame: Obviously. It is what drives all fameballs.
• Shamelessness: Your desire for fame must be greater than that voice in your head screaming, "Stop; you look like an idiot."
• A lack of redeeming talents: This isn't the Nobel Prize, okay? If you're a shameless fame whore but you also, say, cured cancer, one could argue that your talent is being properly appreciated. This will not do.
• An abundance of non-redeeming talents: These may include, but are not limited to: oversharing, self-regard, delusions of grandeur, superficial physical attractiveness, a ridiculous distinctive personal fashion trademark, the ability to talk about oneself without end, conspicuously false modesty, and sluttiness and/or man-whorishness.

• Growing a conscience: It can happen to the worst of them. Instant death.
• A desire for meta-fameballdom rather than actual fameballdom: This is the key mistake that people make when they come directly to us, begging for coverage. We're talking to you, lady who keeps sending us emails billing herself as "The next Julia Allison." You see, while we do grow and cultivate fameballs, it's absolutely essential that those fameballs are not seeking our approval; they must dream of stardom (even micro-stardom) in the outside world, not simply with a knowing wink on Gawker. A fameball's famelust must be their undoing, not their doing. If you're deserving, we'll find you.
• Being a one-trick pony: Lots of people do embarrassing fameball-like things from time to time. But do they have the staying power to keep plumbing ever-greater depths of self-abasement? Only the greatest do.

I am the Tao Lin intern/investor.

I like Gawker. I like Jezebel. I even like the blogs about porn and Silicon Valley.

Sometime in April, Jezebel posted a wanted ad for interns. I replied within hours. I sent several follow up emails and got a pleasant thank you note from the team for applying, but nothing serious transpired.

I had been reading Tao´s blog actively since February. Shortly after I started reading his blog the infamous Tao Lin Intern Uprising occurred. I decided a militant poet might be a good person to intern for.

Tao seemed less discriminating than the gal gab blog, he was drafting interns in bulk for his army. I did not write a cover letter or send a resume.

I left a comment on his blog, can I be your intern, he replied, yes. In may when my spring semester at school ended I shipped out. I had been recruited.

Instead of interning for Jezebel I am now linked on Gawker. Instead of being the Gawker intern who had to scrape Britney Spears stickers off the Gawker door, I was the intern telling Tao to put his stickers around your office. I only suggested lurking around the outside of the building and peppering the street with stickers, the door was his idea.

I still want to intern for Jezebel.

Tired? Poor? Starting to wonder if you'll be a creative underclassman forever? Sick of feeling like the answer to the question "What do you?" is "Self-loathingly ask 'What do you do' at increasingly low-budget social events I used to think were the 'fun' part of doing this job?" Break the cycle! India, law school, teaching yoga… don't think it couldn't happen to you!

In this inaugural installment of "How To Sell Out," we learn a lesson in highbrow high finance from unsuccessful American Apparel shoplifter and weird novelist Tao Lin, who just successfully took a page from the financial engineering books of his favorite clothing store and launched an initial public offering for shares in a book he hasn't written. A lesson in the lifestyle of the poor but microfamous after the jump!

TAO LIN, 25

Who he is: I'm not really sure, because he lies about a lot of things, but I know he wrote a book that Emily really hated (but Miranda July liked) and that he once commented on Keith Gessen's blog that he identified with the Jeff Daniels character in The Squid And The Whale. Also, last summer I read a story in a "literary deathmatch" with Tao Lin during which he read this poem for the allotted eight minutes. Do not click on that last thing if you are easily annoyed.

What he did: He posted a blog entry offering 10% shares in a hypothetical "linear" novel "about a relationship" he has not yet written for $2,000 apiece, promising prospective investors "more meaning in life" if they bought shares and boasting his track record of trustworthiness as established by the 100% feedback rating he had earned selling 31 items in the past 12 months on eBay. He also stated a desire to eat healthier foods so as to avoid "feeling like I have eating problems" which may lead him to hang out beside toilets.

Did it work? Yes! Within a matter of days Tao Lin was sold out of shares in his would-be enterprise. A nineteen-year-old intern and neurotic blogger named Soffi bought ponied up two grand, as did a popular University of Houston philosophy professor Tao did not even know. His parents also purchased a share. And Matt Schwartz, the writer of that Times Magazine piece on internet trolls also bought 10%, although Matt is my ex-boyfriend so he may have done that to personally antagonize me. (Kidding XO!)

What can we learn from this? A controlling stake in a hypothetical major work by a minor possessor of literary microfame is worth $12,000. That might not sound like much, but it's $12,000 more than it was two weeks ago! And I am pretty sure no one is going to be paying taxes on any of it.

i hate my blog, i hate my interviews

i need to start not making sense in interviews

instead of sounding like an ass all the time

the blogosphere is scary, i feel hated, it feels bad

the internet is not the calm place of fun and relaxation it used to be

when i played text-based multi-player role-playing games

and sold diablo ii items on ebay [Reader of Depressing Books]

The highest level fiction writer, on the other hand, "Never considers publishing in nonprofit, university-run, or independent magazines or journals. Would rather commit suicide than create a MySpace page. Is Jewish and therefore vaguely but satisfactorily connected to non-Americans, terrible events from the past, and current events that cause CNN and Fox News to suspend regular programming. Has sex only with people he meets in real life."

This was written by Tao Lin, who we used to get mad at for spamming us constantly about his activities, but the "is Jewish ... terrible events from the past" bit alone is so LOL that he is now pardoned.

You're good in our book for now, Tao Lin! Don't fuck it up.

It begins:

Hello,

I'm a hot young (b. 1983) writer who went to NYU. My forthcoming books have ironic covers. Miranda July is inside the novel. I'm ambitious, sexy, and intelligent. My IQ is 173. I recognize both existential truths and the necessity of politics for a meaningful existence.

Though all meaning is arbitrary it can still be used as a tool just like arbitrary rules can be created to make life "better." I hope you understand.

I hope you recognize that I'm hot, young, that I went to NYU, and have ironic book-covers. I think you know what all this means.

Sincerely,
Tao Lin

This is Tao Lin right now. I shouldn't speak for the other people. I wrote the posting. It cost $25. It is "for real." I have assigned tasks to many interns already. If you want to help me get more interns that would be good. I want army of interns. I met my publisher today and he kept saying, "Army of interns."

Dear Alice,

Thank you for applying to be an intern. I accept you. I am one of the five writers. My name is Tao Lin. My books, EEEEE EEE EEEE and BED, are forthcoming from Melville House Publishing. I have flyers for those books with Miranda July blurb on them. I would like for you to superglue flyers for my books onto Starbucks windows and also inside Starbucks, on their sofas and walls. It would be good if you could cover an entire glass window with my 4x6 glossy, two-sided flyers. You can do this at 3 a.m. If you get caught and get in trouble that is okay. That is part of this internship. Let me know if you are interested and I'll mail you about 200 flyers. You can start with the Astor place Starbucks. I'll have more tasks for you after this.

Sincerely,

Tao Lin

It's like being poked on Facebook every hour by someone you don't know or like but the Facebook is your email.

Tao Lin, I know you're reading this. I just want you to know that because of your ill-conceived self-marketing strategy, you have 100% guaranteed that I will never read your damned book with its oh-so-wacky title. Dennis Cooper might love you, but that doesn't mean a thing to us. (Hey, maybe he'll chop you up!) Your publicity games aren't a play on fame-seeking or celebrity culture. Actually, you're maybe perhaps the single most irritating person we've ever had to deal with—and you wouldn't believe our in-box. Stop it. Stop it now. And now we will go back to never mentioning you again.